vauxhallmonterey

It does. This is not an easy topic and each situation does need its own assessment. But in all cases the kids are the ones who get/don't get hurt.
Fathers bring their own important roles to the rearing of children, but, with many years of working with children, I have come to realise that the mother is vital to the childs stability/sense of self worth/nuture/etc, etc, especially in the first 7 or so years.
It's one thing for a couple to have tried and not been able to make a go of it, and come to an arrangement, and maintain their responsibilities, its incredibly sad to deal with a child who hero worships his mom, but sees her maybe once in 3 months, gets lied to ad nauseum, cannot wait for the next visit - I could go on. At the end of the day we all make choices, and to my mind there's too many very selfish people in this world, who could'nt give feathers for the collateral damage they cause.

Blue Cat

he won't know until he becomes a Father himself Anna, then he will tell you, honestly you wait and see.

Confucius

Can we get this thread back to topic please???

Charismatic

How so? It's just roles that are traditionally filled within a family. Not all roles are just ghosts of our ancient past haunting us, men have an obligation to do their best for their families just as women do. They may make less of a direct contribution towards caring for and nurturing a family but male brains have just not evolved to feel as rewarded for this work.

A man who neglects their welfare of his family is just as guilty as a woman in the same position IMO .

DangerousKitchen

No,

Not all birds were meant to be caged

TGFKASE

On the subject of the fall-out from divorce...

I have to say that, if I believe my OH, I have been affected by my parents very acrimonious split. But, since i have no other reference for how I SHOULD feel, other than how I DO feel, how am I to know?

When my parents first split, it was my mother leaving my father, with my brother and I in tow. On the second occasion, she left on her own, leaving my brother and I with my father. By the time the divotce was finalised, I was in digs at Uni.

Did I feel betrayed more when my mother left us with my father? I don't really know. Has it affected my outlook on relationships? I don't really know. Why? Because the vast majority of family break ups happen during the 'formative years' of any children affected. They have no baseline to determine how they would have felt had the split not happened...

I remain, what I consider, close to my mother and father. But what I call close, my OH finds almost chilly in comparison.

Blue Cat

valid point. But I think woman tend to say closer to their families than men do. I speak to my Dad everyday and e mail my Mother most days. My husband hardly ever contacts his family.

Charismatic

Speaking from my own experience my parents divorced when I was very young. My father never supported my mother much financially so it was a constant struggle for her bringing us up . I remember she'd be at work before us in the morning but not get home until 8pm at night, 7 days a week. We all felt a tremendous responsibility to pull togeather as a family. I've always felt resentful towards my father for that. He persued his own dreams rather than doing what a father should do foremost and looking after his family, it's a mistake I'll never make. Often men arn't good at being expressive, nurturing or emotional creatures (not to mention many other things) but those of us that are honest blokes do feel a obligation to be good providers regardless of the strain it takes.

I think I'm a better person for my experiences but I wouldn't wish them on anyone else. Everyone goes through hard times in their lives but those we care about and care about us make it easier to bare that burden. We are what we are in this life but our future is what we make of the oppertunity.

-Thomas

P.S. Now then, where is the beer?

commander

i split up with my ex when my youngest was a baby. It was a constant struggle to get any access to see her all the way. Until i moved here i was in and out of court and police stations.

For 4 years i supported my daughter and got nothing but hassle and upsets from her mother along the way. Some excuses you would not believe..very ill so i cant see her, i drive past the house and they are having a family BBQ and my baby is playing on her swing etc etc


I was arrested for 'abusive behavior' 3 days before a child welfare hearing, and duly released by the Police with a good bit of advice. They knew i was being stitched up by my ex.

All the time i had/have a beautiful daughter who is 7 next month and prob thinks i dont even care.

Today my mother has just emailed me to say that a letter that i posted to my daughter in November has been returned to sender and the parcel of gifts that we sent for christmas have never been collected.

Here is the point that people may or may not agree with:

I paid maintenance through the CSA, through my ex's insistence (even though she ended up 100GBP per month down on what i was paying anyway)

When i left the UK i stopped paying CSA and set up a standing order direct with my ex to the tune of the CSA amount and more on top, The agreement was that my parents would have one sunday a month access and i could speak to my daughter every week and arrange visits home on a regular basis (every couple of months for a long weekend, when i would get a hotel and have daytime access)

Within 1 month of me moving, the phonenumbers were changed etc and my parents contact was stopped. i gave her 3-4 months and countless letters and emails explaining and asking WTF was going on. Then i cancelled my SO and now i put the same amount into a fund for my daughter that is in my name and hers when she is 21.

I saw my daughter the last time i was home because my wife insisted and supported me that i should just go to her house and approach her.

So, am i a bad dad who does not support financially my family? because i guarantee that is what my youngest will be brought up believing..

Eva

Blue Cat

I have said this before, she will grow up into a woman and want to ask questions for herself, you wait and see, she will be banging on your door. Keep a log of every Birthday and Christmas you have missed, write messages into it for her and then give it to her when she comes to find you. Keep the returned parcel and the letter. Your time will come Commander, trust me.

You should have said eldest not youngest.

Charismatic

That is shit mate, harsh deal.

Keep copies of everything and when she meets you show her you where trying to be a good father, she will listen. Until then I'd have thought that an ex-military man could have figured out how to get packages/mail to the right sender without it being intercepted?

Better to stay away from blaming her mum etc. for now though as it's only likely to anger her and will seem a bit needy. How old is she?

Grace O Malley

Now that is very close to home for me and my son. More power to your mam though, sounds like a great lady.

Thankfully, I have a good job and me or my lad have not gone without anything but its the complete lack of emotional support that pisses me off.

Grace O Malley

Yes you are prob right, she will grow up thinking that as she is so young. Keep all the letters you have sent her and keep on sending them.

commander

she is 7 next month. I dont have any communication with the mother at all.

I wouldnt dream of blaming the mum to my ELDEST(bc) i have no bitterness at all towards her now, although that may seem a little hard to believe. All she has done is robbed her daughter the love of a good dad (as im sure my YOUNGEST and my wife will vouch for) and the love of my extended family. She has to live with that for the rest of her life, and it will come back to haunt her.

If i bumped into her tomorrow, what would i say?...'hello, how is ****, tell her daddy loves her and can i see her?, heres my number incase you lost it. bye..'