B.Geezer

And what about inside those crackers ? Always a good laugh eg

Q. 'What time does a Chinese dentist open?'
A. 'Tooth Hurty'

or

Q. 'How do you know Santa likes gardening?'
A, 'Because he likes to HO, HO, HO'


Did you know I was only 7?

Let's have 'em !

Vimto

Why does Santa have no kids?






He only comes once a year and thats down a chimney

Rog_Rams

Dear Santa,

Last year you sent me a sweater.

Thanks very much, but this year, can I have a moaner or a screamer?

Rog

Paidtoplease

mythic

>> Merhaba mon amigos
>> this is a bit long but I thought it was verrrry funeeee xxxxxxx
>>
>> THE DIARY OF AN ENGLISHMAN (White Settler) LIVING IN THE HIGHLANDS
>>
>> 'OUR FIRST WINTER '
>>
>> DEC 20TH It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first
>> we've seen for years. The wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on
>> the porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to
>> the trees and covering the ground. It's so beautiful and peaceful.
>>
>> DEC 24th We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow
>> covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree
>> and bush covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the
>> first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement.
>> Later that day a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our
>> driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and
>> waved.
>> I waved back and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a
>> snowman with coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball
>> fight, a couple just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back
>> and joined in their fun.
>>
>> DEC 26th It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature
>> dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and
>> bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway
>> again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again.
>> Much of the snow is now a brownish - grey.
>>
>> JAN 1st Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon
>> became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both
>> our cars £500. Fell on my arse in the driveway. £100 to a physio but
>> nothing was broken.
>>
>> JAN 5th Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought her a 4x4 to get her
>> to
>> work. She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right
>> wing -
>> £200. Had another 8 inches of white shite last night. Both vehicles are
>> covered in salt and iced up slush that bastard snowplough came by twice
>> today. Where's that bloody shovel.
>>
>> JAN 9th More f*****g snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't
>> been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from
>> freezing
>> to death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly
>> torched the house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd
>> Degree
>> burns on my hands. Lost all my eye brows and eyelashes. Car hit a f*****g
>> deer on the way to casualty and was written off.
>>
>> JAN 13th F*****g b*****d white shite just keeps on coming down. Have to
>> put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little
>> c***s next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back - I'll shove
>> that carrot so far up the little pricks arse it'll take good surgeon 6
>> hours to find it. If I ever catch the arsehole that drives the snowplough
>> I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the
>> b*****d hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and
>> then he accelerates down the street like Michael 'f*****g' Schumacher and
>> buries he f*****g driveway again.
>>
>> JAN 17th 16 more sodding inches of f*****g snow and f*****g ice and
>> f*****g sleet and god knows what other white shite fell last night. I am
>> in court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an
>> ice
>> - pick.
>> Can't move my f*****g toes. Haven't seen the sun for 5 weeks. Minus 20
>> and
>> more f*****g snow forecast
>>
>> F**K THIS, I'M MOVING BACK TO LONDON
>>

Paidtoplease

Barbie's Christmas List! )

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Barbie
c/o Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA 90245

Santa Claus
North Pole, North Pole
December 23, 1996

Dear Santa:

Listen you ugly little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas
Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many
tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had
better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and
trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list for 1998:


Santa:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker.
How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels
like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to
cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, get it done.

6. A jogbra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet,
a public relations senior account exec!

8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun,
outfitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.

Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line.
If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas.

It's that simple.

Yours truly,
Barbie

Paidtoplease

Ken's Christmas List! )

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ken
c/o Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA 90245

Santa Claus
North Pole, North Pole
December 23, 1998

Dear Santa:

I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically
asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks
were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take
this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs
and desires.

First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential
treatment - the bitch has everything. Along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, I DO NOT have
a dream house, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the ability to change our hair style. I
personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length.

My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I too would like a change in my career. Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon
Ken", or "Out Of Work Actor Ken"? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be
considered such as "S&M Ken" , "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken".
These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets. And as for Barbie
needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to
the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this
issue before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result
in action be taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine, at least
that's what he said last night.

Sincerely,

Ken