To all Golfers

Old Aug 21st 2007, 5:08 pm
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Religious Golf Battle

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.

"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"

"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."
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Old Aug 22nd 2007, 6:32 am
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PMSL!!
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Old Aug 24th 2007, 7:49 am
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do you play golf Oktoberon?? do you fancy playing this afternoon with Atilla??
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Old Aug 24th 2007, 7:57 am
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Originally Posted by Blue Cat View Post
do you play golf Oktoberon?? do you fancy playing this afternoon with Atilla??
Hi BC

I do play, was scheduled to play in the Black Stallions today, twisted knee has put me on the bench. Howabout arranging for next week
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Old Aug 24th 2007, 8:00 am
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Originally Posted by oktoberon View Post
Hi BC

I do play, was scheduled to play in the Black Stallions today, twisted knee has put me on the bench. Howabout arranging for next week
yeah cool!! didn't realise the black stallions were still going! is that Trevors group?
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Old Aug 24th 2007, 8:04 am
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Originally Posted by Blue Cat View Post
yeah cool!! didn't realise the black stallions were still going! is that Trevors group?
It is; a small world. I'm a member at the Ranches normally try and play Fri/Sat. Can get away with that whilst Madame is out for the Summer
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Old Aug 24th 2007, 8:06 am
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Originally Posted by oktoberon View Post
It is; a small world. I'm a member at the Ranches normally try and play Fri/Sat. Can get away with that whilst Madame is out for the Summer
Brilliant, Atilla plays at DCC - can't afford the Ranches. There is a competition this afternoon where you have to bring a guest along, free food etc. But he didn't realise til it was too late, just thought you might be interested, or anyone on here for that matter!! Shiva will come on now whingeing about sand golf blah blah blah. Not too worry it wont be there by the end of this year.
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Old Aug 24th 2007, 8:16 am
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Originally Posted by Blue Cat View Post
Brilliant, Atilla plays at DCC - can't afford the Ranches. There is a competition this afternoon where you have to bring a guest along, free food etc. But he didn't realise til it was too late, just thought you might be interested, or anyone on here for that matter!! Shiva will come on now whingeing about sand golf blah blah blah. Not too worry it wont be there by the end of this year.
As not to cause any family discord when will you let him play next week. I'll book a time and he will be my guest, you wanna come along
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Old Aug 24th 2007, 8:30 am
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Try thi:
The laws of golf
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

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Old Aug 24th 2007, 8:38 am
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Originally Posted by oktoberon View Post
As not to cause any family discord when will you let him play next week. I'll book a time and he will be my guest, you wanna come along
anytime that suits you, he is off all week
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Old Aug 24th 2007, 8:44 am
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Originally Posted by Blue Cat View Post
anytime that suits you, he is off all week
Excellent; I get a tee time and let you know. Closing down for a few hours Waxy's is calling, catch up later.

By the way if you can help Fairy Dust she's in a state with my posting 'Ponder This......
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Old Aug 24th 2007, 8:45 am
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Originally Posted by oktoberon View Post
Excellent; I get a tee time and let you know. Closing down for a few hours Waxy's is calling, catch up later.

By the way if you can help Fairy Dust she's in a state with my posting 'Ponder This......
I will try and console her!
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Old Aug 24th 2007, 8:54 am
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Originally Posted by Blue Cat View Post
I will try and console her!
don't worry, tis sorted...

MM, xx
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Old Aug 24th 2007, 1:50 pm
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More golfing terminology...........Oktoberon will know these I feel.......

An Adolf Hitler - took two shots in the bunker

A Kate Winslet - a bit heavy, but otherwise perfect

A Rodney King - over-clubbed

A Princess Diana - shouldn't have taken the driver

An O.J. Simpson - somehow got away with it

A Condom - safe, but didn't feel good

A Sally Gunnell – looked a bit ugly, but it ran well

A Tony Blair – seemed OK at first, but then went to the right

A Kate Moss - too thin and finished up in a mess

On the greens:

A Kelly Osbourne - a nasty 5 footer

A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read

A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't

A Brazilian - just shaved the hole

An Anna Kournikova – you’d love to get it in, but realistically you know you’ve got no chance
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