HiddenPaw

My main concern about moving back to Australia is taking the children away from their grandparents. My daughter is doted on by all 4 grandparents, but equally, she adores their company. I worry that by taking her overseas, I am denying her something that she shouldn't be denied.

I remember posting this concern on the Oz forum a long time ago, and got some great advice, but I guess the perspective of those about to leave is vastly different from those who are already living some distance away from the grandparents. I'm not naive enough to believe that webcams and email are any kind of substitute for real contact!

Can anyone give me insights as to how they feel or how their children are coping with this situation? Has it been easier or more difficult than you expected?

Ta for any advice

JoD

Hi. It's a very difficult decision to make. When we put in our application to emigrate to Canada I wasn't even pregnant. When our daughter came along it made the decision even harder, like you she is doted on by all the grandparents and aunts and uncles. We decided to go ahead with the plans as we hoped Canada would be a better place to bring her up in and we didn't want to be thinking in years to come "what if".

However, we have found the move difficult. Canada is a beautiful country and we have a lovely house and almost everything we hoped for. But for us there is nothing like having family and friends around us and we have made the decision to go back home. We have a web cam and are on regularly to family, but it's not the same, you can't always get a 2 year old to stay and talk to a computer screen and the interaction is not the same.

Having said that, our daughter has coped well with the move. I think she's a little to young to realise exactly what's going on and to miss people too much, but we do notice a difference in her when people visit and how much she enjoys being with them.

I hope this has given you some insight, but please remember that everyone is different and have their own wants and needs so what works for some doesn't work for others.

Good luck.

Sue

My son was 4 when we moved to the US. He's almost 13 now and misses his grandparents very much. One set visit for a couple of weeks every 8-9 months and he hates it when they leave. He hears his friends at school talking about how they saw their grandparents and cousins etc at the weekend and he does feel left out. In fact he has expressed his sadness at not seeing his grandparents, aunts and uncles so much that we are thinking of letting him stay in the UK for the whole of his summer vacation, (10 weeks). Not sure if that's a good thing or bad thing but at least he will be able to spend long periods of time with them instead of the usual rushed visits. I do feel like we've deprived him of family contact, but on the other hand there can be plus's to that

At the end of the day, I think it really depends how close a family group you are. Some children don't see their grandparents very often even when they live in the same country!

blaze

My son has never really known his British grandparents as we left the Uk (for the second time!)when he was just a few monthes old. It's not him missing them that is my concern, it's them missing him. They hardly ever get to see him and that breaks my heart. When I speak to my family they always tell me to give him a kiss and cuddle from them (which I do) but he doesn't know them so he doesn't know where the kisses and cuddles are originating from. His american grandparents live 2 hours away, but selfishly I get upset when they get to spend time with him and it'd not my parents! (I know that sounds horrible but I am really close to my family!). Although I have a great life in the states I would move back to Britain tommorow just for family and friends. I have great memories of grwing up and spending time with my grandparents and I want my son to have those same kind of memories.
Sorry, I'm not trying to influence you one way or the other, just letting you know how it's been for me. You will make the right decision for you and your family and it will be the right one whichever you choose.

janeyray

Hi,

When we went to Perth our daughter was 5 turning 6 that year. She cried all the way to Australia and kept asking why her grandparents weren't coming to live there too if it was such a great place to live?

For us it was an awful first few months. Our daughter repeatedly told us she missed my parents, this made my feelings towards coming back here greater. She often cried for them and I felt guilty as she was their only grandchild. My husbands parents also missed her, and vise versa.

My remaining grandparent died when I was about 12 years old, I often wished that my grandparents had been around whilst I was growing up. With this in mind I wanted our daughter to be close to her grandparents but I didn't really consider things like this before we left for OZ?

It's a hard decision and one not easily made. I think it depends on how close you are, we are a close family and have been even closer since we got back. You have to think about whats best for you as a family but also consider perhaps how others may feel about you going back? Perhaps the pull to go back is stronger than the pull to keep you here?
Maybe moving out there again will make the decision for you?

Good luck, its a hard one...no chance of them going with you!!???

TraceyW

Hi Pants! Well, you know my feelings already eh?!!

I have to say though, the kids have coped remarkably well with the whole transition, it's me and the grandparents that haven't! They miss these kids so much, it's awful sometimes.

I feel very conscious that there is so little interaction between the kids/grandparents; as we all know, the phone and computer DO NOT make up for cuddles and kisses.

I think that guilt plays a cruel role. It's a huge emotion and one that doesn't go away.

I know you have a major decision to make. Haven't we all? It's a constant battle between the head and the heart. I do hope you make the right choice for you all.

Garland

We are 4 months into our new life in Perth and have Grand-parents over at present for a 3 week holiday. My kids are 6, 4 and 2. They have taken to their new life in Oz like ducks to water and are positively thriving. Even Grand-parents cannot put their finger on what it is that makes these kids seem even MORE confident since being in Oz? I put it down to lack of t.v..more quality family time and generally us being a happier family unit.
I think for me the Grand-parents issue comes down to really you can't have everything in life, but as we suspected before we left we are such a close family unit that anything outside of "us" is a bonus but not essential. We didn't rely on families for support, babysitting, etc when in the u.k (if anything our parents are quite young, work full-time and themselves have a life outside of family) and we are quite self-sufficient now. The kids will receive phone calls and visits from Grand-parents and we will as best possible keep that relationship alive. However from our experience thus far in Oz We are all having a "better" life here and I am glad our kids our having the wonderful experience of living in Oz. I am also extremely thankful too that despite missing them dreadfully my parents feel this too and feel we are in the best place having a wonderful life. It has given my parents immense pleasure seeing their kids and Grand-kids thriving here......the future is always open to change but for now this feels very right.

Mummy

Here's my two-penneth worth. We moved to Australia 18 months ago, when my son was 7 months old. At that time, it was relatively easy for us to take him away from the UK - we did not live int he same place as either of his grandparents, and he saw them maybe once every 3-4 months. But, we have just returned from a holiday back to the UK for Christmas, and my son is now 2 years old. He absolutely loved the time with his grandparents and other family members, and it was so heartbreaking to take him away again back to Australia. He still now asks where they are. So, we have just about made up our minds to return to the UK. It'll have to be about another year away because of husbands work commitments, but we will go back.

I think Australia is a great place to live, but at the moment is is just far too hot for all of us, and we miss the outdoors life that we used to have in the UK. SOmeone else said something about having less of an outdoors life here - that is exactly how we feel, and the complete reverse of what we thought it would be like before we came here. We used to do a lot of hiking, but bushwalking is a) not the same and b) too frightening with a young toddler after we saw a red-bellied black snake cross our path.

The sun is too hot and we all burn way too easily - being out in the sun is not fun - I HATE putting on suncream all the time! Makes you feel so icky.

Sorry, gone a bit off-track with my reply here. I would say that I am now of the opinoin that the benefits of being here from my son's point of view are far outweighed by the benefits of going back to the UK and growing up with his family, especially his grandparents. And therefore, I say that he will cope with it less as he gets older and is more aware of the distance.

End of two-penneth.

Catherine

CaliforniaBride

My son was 7 when we moved here. It was a terrible wrench. When we came over initially he couldn't comprehend a month or two months before he someone would visit. But once that happened he got better at it. In fact my mom is coming in April and when I told him he said "oh that's not long then".

But he does miss his family terribly. He was 10 yesterday and only a couple of weeks ago my dad came to visit. When he was gone my son cried because he said he doesn't get to see his family all the time like he used to.

On the upside he has settled into California life and wouldn't trade it. He would like what we we all would like. The life here with our family and friends around us.

I do the long holidays with him. The first summer here my mom came over and we went to Hawaii for 3 weeks, then she took him back to the UK with her. I followed later after a lovely holiday with hubby and brought him back with me. Then he flew out to my dad's (in Iowa) for a couple of weeks.

Last year he wanted to spend more time with my dad so we went back to the UK for 3 weeks and then he spent the rest of the summer with my dad.

This year we are going to my dad's for one week and then to the Uk for 6 weeks. (Hubby is coming over for two weeks in the middle and he and I are going off to Switzerland).

Even when he and I are in the Uk at the same time I never see him. I get to may aunt's and she'll say 'oh he was here for 4 days last week', I go on to an Uncle's and he'll say 'he went to you rmom's yesterday, he was here for a few days', and on I go visiting family and he always seems to be a few days ahead of me. The whole effort gets coordinated by my mother.

Yes, organising all this is a logistical nightmare and often involves domestic and international flights on the same day. A lot for a 10 year old. But he loves it.

And I can't recommend AA's unaccompanied minor program enough. You take your child and collect it right from the gate. You have to show ID and they give them extra dessert on the plane

It's the guilt that you have to live with I'm afraid.

Englishmum

Ha ha unfortunately American Airlines (AA) isn't really an option for unaccompanied minors travelling between the UK and Australia......but I can highly recommend Singapore Airlines.

When we left Singapore to go on another expat posting in New York, my husband still had loads of Krisflyer (frequent flier) miles with Singapore Airlines. Our son (then aged 12) wanted to go back to Singapore during the Summer holidays to visit his old schoolfriends. He got a free ticket on Singapore Airlines from Newark, NJ via Amsterdam.....a journey of approx 22 hours door-to-door.

As he was an unacommpanied minor, he was escorted from check-in to the plane and was about to turn right to go to the economy cabin......he was stopped by a steward who said that as they were having to look after him all the way to Singapore, they would put him in First Class for the entire journey! They really did.....he returned home with special SIA pyjamas and a lovely 'Bulgari' toiletry kit, specially issued to passengers in the First Class cabin.

First Class was full for his return journey so he was upgraded to Raffles (Business) Class instead - he still got a nice amenity kit but not as posh as the 1st Class one LOL!......this is the best airline in the world and he was spoiled rotten!

CaliforniaBride

LOL. They upgarded my little tike on his last trip to see his grandad. He loved it. But it was the extra ice cream that did it for him. I suspect your son is a little older than mine

Jessie James

Hi HiddenPaw,

I just wondered what your reasons for wanting to return to Australia are? I seem to remember that one of your reasons for going back to the UK was lack of family contact in Oz?

The reason I ask is that one of my main reasons for wanting to return to the UK is that I find the prospect of starting a family here very daunting and I'm not sure I can do it. Since I want to have children I want to get back and settled before too long......I will get citizenship before doing so to leave the door open here but think realistically I would be less likely to return here once we start a family.

But.....what is your experience of being parents in the UK? Are there things you feel Australia offers over the UK (I'm presuming so if you're thinking of heading back)?

HiddenPaw

I wouldn't say 'we' (MR HP & I) are particularly close to either sets of parents, and more often than not, the grandparents see the bub on her own (so that I can get on with a few bits, MR HP at work ,etc). I used to see my parents 2 or 3 times a year as we live 250 miles apart, but now the visits are every 6-8 weeks.....but that's purely because of the bub! She does thrive in their company.

I grew up in a very small family and often wished that family occasions were big affairs. My parents are both only children and my grandparents died. when I was quite young. On the one had I think, well, I coped without a big family and it's no big deal, but on the other hand I think how I often yearned for a big family. (Sounds similar to you Janeray)

Tracey...I know what you mean about the guilt. I feel so much guilt about taking the grandchildren away. My mother has already layed on the emotional blackmail pretty thick!

HiddenPaw

Hi Catherine, thanks for this...I think your comments sum up my fears. My daughter (almost 2) has a very active social life - not just the GPs but also her little baby friends. I feel like I would be taking her away from everyone who makes her laugh, or who she has to play with. I know she will make new friends, and that 2 year olds are very resilient, but she can't make new GPs! They seem to play such an influential role in her development, and she adores their company.

Good luck if you decide to return. I totally understand where you are coming from.

HiddenPaw

I was wondering if living without GPs was something they get over, or get accustomed to - but even at 10 the pull sounds very strong. I guess when they get into late teens it all becomes a chore to visit granny and grandad when they want to be out with friends, but those early years are definately the ones when the children idolise their GPs.