Snap Shot

I can relate to her state of anxiety. I'm unemployed and my self esteem has taken many knocks because of the turn downs I've had when I've applied for a job.

I fill my days with chores, exercise and I do voluntary work. Although, it's just to easy to keep saying, 'I'll do it tomorrow' when it comes to chores. That's the anxiety getting to me which destroys my motivation. I can relate to where she's at in her head. Although, thankfully, I'm not as deep into it as she seems.

I live in New Zealand. Christmas in the summer does my brain in. I can't believe it's Autumn now with Easter next week. Yeah, just like it's been for the four years we've lived here. I can handle winter in the middle of the year, just about. Let's face it the British summers are no great shakes. But then, it's spring in August here. What's that about ? Then the dread of Christmas in the summer starts all over again. Worst of all, kiwi's that are used to it look forward to it and with good reason too. This year I'll be thinking oh no, not this again, I can't do this anymore when it comes to Christmas in the heat of summer.

I understand it doesn't get any easier as the years go by either.

I hope the OP's partner gets the medical support she needs.

P.S. my husband is a kiwi. He knows how I feel and let me just say he supports me.

fulwood

Sunalready. I feel for your wife and you. I am suffering from depression and have for over 2 years now. My situation is different my brother died of cancer and I cannot handle the loss nor the fact won't EVER see him again. I can't be bothered to clean my house, make plans to go out but then cancel, don't care how I look and now heaviest I have ever weighed. STRESS - I cannot handle it at all. I drop a glass and can bawl my eyes. Sometimes i just want to fall to the ground and never get up. Other time I just wish there was somebody to pick me up but there isn't. I am not a doctor but would say she is depressed. I am on meds for depression and anxiety. Not a cure all but does help a wee bit. Without them I know for my situation I would be dead.. Please get her to see a doc. I didn't see doc for a long time as I felt to do so was weakness, (still do), pathetic, and I'm not worthy of living etc. I have a good doc and he saw me thru his illness, death and the after grief.. Things will get better for her but she has to meet you half way.

quoll

I feel for you both! Whilst depression is probably the number 1 hypothesis she should go to the doctor to rule out anything organic - anaemia has also been mentioned and that can be nastily insidious. It has to be a very gentle "I love you, I'm worried about you and we're going to the GP together to make sure you're OK" kinda deal I suspect. It may well be a combination of everything but I can tell you, working in a toxic cesspit can really drain the life out of you!

If she really won't go to the doc with you then may I suggest Marriage Guidance counselling - you can go to start then you and the counsellor work on ways to invite her to join the process - but if there is something organic causing her lethargy then you could be wasting your time.

Good luck, standing beside someone while they go through this takes a tower of strength

Tr1boy

If it's any help ( and probably isn't), Mrs TB and I went through a similar but quite as depressing episode for the first year or so here. She was working for a company where her manager took great pride in 'crushing' people ( three more have left since Mrs TB including her own line mgr).

She left there and continued to study, but she wasn't happy, despite having been to the UK many times. She wasn't so much missing Australia as more just not feeling right here. We were in Surrey and there weren't many Koreans around, that didn't really bother her in some ways, but not having access to Korean groceries did a little. ( we later discovered New Malden ).

A point of contention was also that the balance offset had shifted to me in our relationship. For years in Australia were equal, neither of us had family there. In the UK I had my family, but it was tough. If they called or visited too much my wife said they were interfering, if they stayed away she said they were ignoring is. I couldn't win, and I offered time and time again for us to back too Oz but I don't think not being in Oz was the issue.

Several things turned things around for us. Mrs TB got a contract role with McLaren ( the road car division) and she loved the environment there and the professionalism, even though it was through winter and a cold and dark commute on the train.

We took more holidays in Europe and spent 4 days in Vienna and Salburg over New Year. We've done loads of trips to Europe since but something 'clicked' on that trip, so don't underestimate the power of a short break.

I had several spine operations and had to learn to walk again over 9 mths. This doesn't sound positive but it helped us see what is important.

But by far the biggest thing that changed her, almost like a light bulb coming on, was the day she came back from her ILR face to face interview. She was happier and much more positive ( this happened between my 4 operations and was a few mths before the Olympics). She said she no longer felt like a temporary person and could see her life in the UK in a much more positive light.

Fast fwd a couple of years, we have a baby daughter born in the UK and if anything, I am the one more keen to go back to Oz and get her in the surf and not be 'locked in' to the UK because of my age ( I'm 50 mth).

Mrs TB is much more pragmatic now and just says how nice it is here and how our little one can have a great life in either country.

It's a turn around I would not have thought possible without seeing it for myself. So hang in there, support your wife, realise you are on a hiding to nothing with logical arguments and just be supportive. I hope it turns around for you both but I personally was always prepared to return, and I think that helped Mrs TB knowing that was an option.

Sally Redux

I think this is crucial. My husband ruled out a return (until several years in), leading to my feeling utterly desperate.

Tr1boy

Sorry, I was typing in a hurry to make the start line for a race. I meant to type 'not quite as depressing' as the OP's situation.

It certainly isn't easy and a degree of flexibility has to be applied from both sides I never disliked Oz enough to put my marriage at risk and Mrs TB feels the same about Eng.

Until it comes to tight parking spaces, then we both wish we were back in Sydney

Harveyspecter

Thanks for all the response guys, I can't quote everyone individually but thank you for taking time to post.

I agree, in fact we talked over the weekend and for her I'd been meaning to get some vit D supplements but never got around to it, I got some Friday so hopefully that helps

Haha, yes I didn't mean to sound like it was a full time job, more that sometimes it's full 9-6 days which even I find long sometimes.

Anyway we had a chat on the weekend and she was much much much more positive. She finally spoke with her boss (and for once stood up for herself more!) and some of the changes she seems happy with and I must say generally seems much more upbeat now. She did admit she'd just had a bad day, and everything piled up but we talked things over and I made a plan of action with her to do tasks she was worrying about. She know's she is moving home in the not to distant future which helps, though I think she genuinely does want to make the most of her time here.

Thanks again all for taking time to read my rant!

holly_1948

A really big advantage of living and working in UK over US is the amount of holiday (vacation) time each year.
Can you afford one of the cheaper package holidays to a sunny location?

Maybe if she researches the holiday?
Example:
Thomson - Late Deals Finder - Find a late deal holiday

Harveyspecter

I've discussed that with her as I already had that idea, and we are looking into it

Bnet36

This is a real issue and I didn't know. Doctor just diagnosed me with severe Vitamin D deficiency and I thought well it can't be that bad. I researched and was alarmed at the many things this deficiency can cause. Depression and lethargy being 2 of them and for women deficiency gets worse with age.

I do advise as many have already to go to a counselor or GP whichever she is least resistant to. Counselor may be good to help her realize that she is depressed.

Shard

You sound like a really decent guy. I agree with what the others have said on this thread. Where is it in the US did she come from, and has she travelled much before ending up in Wales? Are other parts of Britain a possibility?