Wife having trouble adjusting. Advice?
Mar 27th 2015, 11:01 am
#1
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Wife having trouble adjusting. Advice?
I'll try and keep this brief. Basically I'm a UK citizen and my wife is US. She moved over here permanently in October of last year and despite my best efforts, she doesn't seem happy and it's beginning to affect me because I'm not sure what else I can do to help.
She's come from a sunny (warm summers, snowy winters) climate to Wales, which most winters is pretty rainly and dull. I could tell this was having an effect on her as I expected so initially put it down to that. She thankfully hasn't seemed to exhibit many signs of homesickness but in January she was stressing because she was having trouble finding a job as she worked in childcare back home but it's difficult to crack into here. Eventually she got what she thought would be a job she enjoyed at a health food store but in short, she is hating it and it's making her more depressed and as a result home life is getting tense.
Some of the trouble is, she's never worked a full time job before and in this job she works 24hrs a week, usually 3 days in the week and one day on the weekend, but this is subject to change sometimes. Even so, she just always seems tired, to the point where the first tof her 2 week days off she just spends almost doing nothing, just vegging on the sofa on the laptop all day or reading a book. Her mum has been waiting for a parcel from her for 3 months, and every day off she has and intends to post it she just says "I was too tired". When setting up bank accounts for her I had to do all the work to the point of dragging her to the branch because she procrastinated to the point where she was 2 days away from getting her first pay, with no bank account to pay it into! I try to be sympathetic because I know she is in a strange country but everything I've tried to help doesn't seem to work. I've booked her on spa days, I've taken her out sighseeing, I've bought her flowers, sometimes new clothes, any day she's working late I drive into town to pick her up so she doesnt have to get the train etc yet she seems to be getting worse. What brought it to a head is yesterday she was not scheduled to work Saturday, then got a text saying she's needed from 9-6. I got home last night and she was so down she barely said 2 words to me.
EVERYTHING seems to stres her out: Going on the train to work, booking time off from work, filing her US tax returns from 2014 (Bear in mind I've actually spent time finding the forms and guides to filling them in for her so the point where she only needs to fill in her earnings on the form I've prepped but still won't get on and do it) and it's really putting a strain on things, especially because while she stresses, she won't accept any help with anything she doesn't understand.
I sat down and talked to her last night and asked what's up, because like I say everything seems to stress her no matter what I do to help. She says it's the job. The manager apparently is a bit of a douche (but then most are), she feels stupid that after 2 months she's having to ask how to do things still, and she generally feels that she 'doesn't fit in there'. Also, she values her days off and understandably when she's told with less than 48hrs notice she has to work a full day she gets upset. The thing is, she'll go on about it, but never actually do anything about it. I've suggested talking with the manager and also stating when a schedule of working hours is set up 2 weeks in advance, that sometimes you make plans and therefore can't work last minute, but she just won't. She just shrugs her shoulders at ANYTHING I suggest. I booked us a romantic weekend away next month, and she waited too long to inform work and now it looks like she may not get the time off, leaving me with non-refundable flights to pay for.
Like I have said, I am trying to be sympathetic, but it's getting to the point where I feel the more I do, the worse it gets. I, like many, left home at 18 and have had to fend for myself. I work a full time job, sometimes 15 hours days, but I still even when tired, HAVE to find time to go food shopping, pay bills, etc etc. It's life, you just get on and do it. I just feel if she is this bad now, what would it be like if we had a baby to look after too for example? You get probably half the sleep you normally get! Some nights I don't like going home from work, because I know I'm going to have an emotional rollercoaster when I get there.
Sorry to rant on. I just want to know if I'm doing the right thing or being too harsh. I did make it clear before we got engaged that if we did this, she'd be living in the UK for a good few years at least, and if she wasn't happy with that to say so then. She said she was happy to go wherever I was. Last night I said if the job is making her THAT unhappy then to leave, or at least look for another job. This morning I sent her resume out to a few places and printed out some application forms for her but they way I feel at the moment I expect she'll just shrug them off and not do anything. If so, then I'm at the point of giving her a week and if things don't improve just to say "Either quit the job, change job or stop bringing it home to affect us", because it's affecting me (and us) now, which I'm not prepared to tolerate.
Thanks in advance!
She's come from a sunny (warm summers, snowy winters) climate to Wales, which most winters is pretty rainly and dull. I could tell this was having an effect on her as I expected so initially put it down to that. She thankfully hasn't seemed to exhibit many signs of homesickness but in January she was stressing because she was having trouble finding a job as she worked in childcare back home but it's difficult to crack into here. Eventually she got what she thought would be a job she enjoyed at a health food store but in short, she is hating it and it's making her more depressed and as a result home life is getting tense.
Some of the trouble is, she's never worked a full time job before and in this job she works 24hrs a week, usually 3 days in the week and one day on the weekend, but this is subject to change sometimes. Even so, she just always seems tired, to the point where the first tof her 2 week days off she just spends almost doing nothing, just vegging on the sofa on the laptop all day or reading a book. Her mum has been waiting for a parcel from her for 3 months, and every day off she has and intends to post it she just says "I was too tired". When setting up bank accounts for her I had to do all the work to the point of dragging her to the branch because she procrastinated to the point where she was 2 days away from getting her first pay, with no bank account to pay it into! I try to be sympathetic because I know she is in a strange country but everything I've tried to help doesn't seem to work. I've booked her on spa days, I've taken her out sighseeing, I've bought her flowers, sometimes new clothes, any day she's working late I drive into town to pick her up so she doesnt have to get the train etc yet she seems to be getting worse. What brought it to a head is yesterday she was not scheduled to work Saturday, then got a text saying she's needed from 9-6. I got home last night and she was so down she barely said 2 words to me.
EVERYTHING seems to stres her out: Going on the train to work, booking time off from work, filing her US tax returns from 2014 (Bear in mind I've actually spent time finding the forms and guides to filling them in for her so the point where she only needs to fill in her earnings on the form I've prepped but still won't get on and do it) and it's really putting a strain on things, especially because while she stresses, she won't accept any help with anything she doesn't understand.
I sat down and talked to her last night and asked what's up, because like I say everything seems to stress her no matter what I do to help. She says it's the job. The manager apparently is a bit of a douche (but then most are), she feels stupid that after 2 months she's having to ask how to do things still, and she generally feels that she 'doesn't fit in there'. Also, she values her days off and understandably when she's told with less than 48hrs notice she has to work a full day she gets upset. The thing is, she'll go on about it, but never actually do anything about it. I've suggested talking with the manager and also stating when a schedule of working hours is set up 2 weeks in advance, that sometimes you make plans and therefore can't work last minute, but she just won't. She just shrugs her shoulders at ANYTHING I suggest. I booked us a romantic weekend away next month, and she waited too long to inform work and now it looks like she may not get the time off, leaving me with non-refundable flights to pay for.
Like I have said, I am trying to be sympathetic, but it's getting to the point where I feel the more I do, the worse it gets. I, like many, left home at 18 and have had to fend for myself. I work a full time job, sometimes 15 hours days, but I still even when tired, HAVE to find time to go food shopping, pay bills, etc etc. It's life, you just get on and do it. I just feel if she is this bad now, what would it be like if we had a baby to look after too for example? You get probably half the sleep you normally get! Some nights I don't like going home from work, because I know I'm going to have an emotional rollercoaster when I get there.
Sorry to rant on. I just want to know if I'm doing the right thing or being too harsh. I did make it clear before we got engaged that if we did this, she'd be living in the UK for a good few years at least, and if she wasn't happy with that to say so then. She said she was happy to go wherever I was. Last night I said if the job is making her THAT unhappy then to leave, or at least look for another job. This morning I sent her resume out to a few places and printed out some application forms for her but they way I feel at the moment I expect she'll just shrug them off and not do anything. If so, then I'm at the point of giving her a week and if things don't improve just to say "Either quit the job, change job or stop bringing it home to affect us", because it's affecting me (and us) now, which I'm not prepared to tolerate.
Thanks in advance!
Last edited by Harveyspecter; Mar 27th 2015 at 11:03 am. Reason: Spelling
Mar 27th 2015, 11:05 am
#2
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Joined: Jul 2002
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Posts: 12,006
Re: Wife having trouble adjusting. Advice?
I'll try and keep this brief. Basically I'm a UK citizen and my wife is US. She moved over here permanently in October of last year and despite my best efforts, she doesn't seem happy and it's beginning to affect me because I'm not sure what else I can do to help.
She's come from a sunny (warm summers, snowy winters) climate to Wales, which most winters is pretty rainly and dull. I could tell this was having an effect on her as I expected so initially put it down to that. She thankfully hasn't seemed to exhibit many signs of homesickness but in January she was stressing because she was having trouble finding a job as she worked in childcare back home but it's difficult to crack into here. Eventually she got what she thought would be a job she enjoyed at a health food store but in short, she is hating it and it's making her more depressed and as a result home life is getting tense.
Some of the trouble is, she's never worked a full time job before and in this job she works 24hrs a week, usually 3 days in the week and one day on the weekend, but this is subject to change sometimes. Even so, she just always seems tired, to the point where the first tof her 2 week days off she just spends almost doing nothing, just vegging on the sofa on the laptop all day or reading a book. Her mum has been waiting for a parcel from her for 3 months, and every day off she has and intends to post it she just says "I was too tired". When setting up bank accounts for her I had to do all the work to the point of dragging her to the branch because she procrastinated to the point where she was 2 days away from getting her first pay, with no bank account to pay it into! I try to be sympathetic because I know she is in a strange country but everything I've tried to help doesn't seem to work. I've booked her on spa days, I've taken her out sighseeing, I've bought her flowers, sometimes new clothes, any day she's working late I drive into town to pick her up so she doesnt have to get the train etc yet she seems to be getting worse. What brought it to a head is yesterday she was not scheduled to work Saturday, then got a text saying she's needed from 9-6. I got home last night and she was so down she barely said 2 words to me.
EVERYTHING seems to stres her out: Going on the train to work, booking time off from work, filing her US tax returns from 2014 (Bear in mind I've actually spent time finding the forms and guides to filling them in for her so the point where she only needs to fill in her earnings on the form I've prepped but still won't get on and do it) and it's really putting a strain on things, especially because while she stresses, she won't accept any help with anything she doesn't understand.
I sat down and talked to her last night and asked what's up, because like I say everything seems to stress her no matter what I do to help. She says it's the job. The manager apparently is a bit of a douche (but then most are), she feels stupid that after 2 months she's having to ask how to do things still, and she generally feels that she 'doesn't fit in there'. Also, she values her days off and understandably when she's told with less than 48hrs notice she has to work a full day she gets upset. The thing is, she'll go on about it, but never actually do anything about it. I've suggested talking with the manager and also stating when a schedule of working hours is set up 2 weeks in advance, that sometimes you make plans and therefore can't work last minute, but she just won't. She just shrugs her shoulders at ANYTHING I suggest. I booked us a romantic weekend away next month, and she waited too long to inform work and now it looks like she may not get the time off, leaving me with non-refundable flights to pay for.
Like I have said, I am trying to be sympathetic, but it's getting to the point where I feel the more I do, the worse it gets. I, like many, left home at 18 and have had to fend for myself. I work a full time job, sometimes 15 hours days, but I still even when tired, HAVE to find time to go food shopping, pay bills, etc etc. It's life, you just get on and do it. I just feel if she is this bad now, what would it be like if we had a baby to look after too for example? You get probably half the sleep you normally get! Some nights I don't like going home from work, because I know I'm going to have an emotional rollercoaster when I get there.
Sorry to rant on. I just want to know if I'm doing the right thing or being too harsh. I did make it clear before we got engaged that if we did this, she'd be living in the UK for a good few years at least, and if she wasn't happy with that to say so then. She said she was happy to go wherever I was. Last night I said if the job is making her THAT unhappy then to leave, or at least look for another job. This morning I sent her resume out to a few places and printed out some application forms for her but they way I feel at the moment I expect she'll just shrug them off and not do anything. If so, then I'm at the point of giving her a week and if things don't improve just to say "Either quit the job, change job or stop bringing it home to affect us", because it's affecting me (and us) now, which I'm not prepared to tolerate.
Thanks in advance!
She's come from a sunny (warm summers, snowy winters) climate to Wales, which most winters is pretty rainly and dull. I could tell this was having an effect on her as I expected so initially put it down to that. She thankfully hasn't seemed to exhibit many signs of homesickness but in January she was stressing because she was having trouble finding a job as she worked in childcare back home but it's difficult to crack into here. Eventually she got what she thought would be a job she enjoyed at a health food store but in short, she is hating it and it's making her more depressed and as a result home life is getting tense.
Some of the trouble is, she's never worked a full time job before and in this job she works 24hrs a week, usually 3 days in the week and one day on the weekend, but this is subject to change sometimes. Even so, she just always seems tired, to the point where the first tof her 2 week days off she just spends almost doing nothing, just vegging on the sofa on the laptop all day or reading a book. Her mum has been waiting for a parcel from her for 3 months, and every day off she has and intends to post it she just says "I was too tired". When setting up bank accounts for her I had to do all the work to the point of dragging her to the branch because she procrastinated to the point where she was 2 days away from getting her first pay, with no bank account to pay it into! I try to be sympathetic because I know she is in a strange country but everything I've tried to help doesn't seem to work. I've booked her on spa days, I've taken her out sighseeing, I've bought her flowers, sometimes new clothes, any day she's working late I drive into town to pick her up so she doesnt have to get the train etc yet she seems to be getting worse. What brought it to a head is yesterday she was not scheduled to work Saturday, then got a text saying she's needed from 9-6. I got home last night and she was so down she barely said 2 words to me.
EVERYTHING seems to stres her out: Going on the train to work, booking time off from work, filing her US tax returns from 2014 (Bear in mind I've actually spent time finding the forms and guides to filling them in for her so the point where she only needs to fill in her earnings on the form I've prepped but still won't get on and do it) and it's really putting a strain on things, especially because while she stresses, she won't accept any help with anything she doesn't understand.
I sat down and talked to her last night and asked what's up, because like I say everything seems to stress her no matter what I do to help. She says it's the job. The manager apparently is a bit of a douche (but then most are), she feels stupid that after 2 months she's having to ask how to do things still, and she generally feels that she 'doesn't fit in there'. Also, she values her days off and understandably when she's told with less than 48hrs notice she has to work a full day she gets upset. The thing is, she'll go on about it, but never actually do anything about it. I've suggested talking with the manager and also stating when a schedule of working hours is set up 2 weeks in advance, that sometimes you make plans and therefore can't work last minute, but she just won't. She just shrugs her shoulders at ANYTHING I suggest. I booked us a romantic weekend away next month, and she waited too long to inform work and now it looks like she may not get the time off, leaving me with non-refundable flights to pay for.
Like I have said, I am trying to be sympathetic, but it's getting to the point where I feel the more I do, the worse it gets. I, like many, left home at 18 and have had to fend for myself. I work a full time job, sometimes 15 hours days, but I still even when tired, HAVE to find time to go food shopping, pay bills, etc etc. It's life, you just get on and do it. I just feel if she is this bad now, what would it be like if we had a baby to look after too for example? You get probably half the sleep you normally get! Some nights I don't like going home from work, because I know I'm going to have an emotional rollercoaster when I get there.
Sorry to rant on. I just want to know if I'm doing the right thing or being too harsh. I did make it clear before we got engaged that if we did this, she'd be living in the UK for a good few years at least, and if she wasn't happy with that to say so then. She said she was happy to go wherever I was. Last night I said if the job is making her THAT unhappy then to leave, or at least look for another job. This morning I sent her resume out to a few places and printed out some application forms for her but they way I feel at the moment I expect she'll just shrug them off and not do anything. If so, then I'm at the point of giving her a week and if things don't improve just to say "Either quit the job, change job or stop bringing it home to affect us", because it's affecting me (and us) now, which I'm not prepared to tolerate.
Thanks in advance!
Mar 27th 2015, 11:12 am
#3
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Posts: 473
Re: Wife having trouble adjusting. Advice?
I did ask her that dunroving, and have asked if she wants to go to the doctor. She said no she's fine, but I will ask her again today. Thanks.
Mar 27th 2015, 1:44 pm
#5
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Posts: 93,811
Re: Wife having trouble adjusting. Advice?
If she is seriously depressed she needs more than a few suggestions for the weekend, she needs something deeper and you may have a tough time ahead getting her to face her need for help.
Mar 27th 2015, 2:07 pm
#6
Still alive
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 28,994
Re: Wife having trouble adjusting. Advice?
Yes, it's difficult for you, but your wife sounds like she is suffering and she needs your help and support right now. What she doesn't need is you telling her to "stop bringing it home". She probably doesn't even know what it is that's wrong.
Mar 27th 2015, 2:29 pm
#7
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Joined: Jul 2007
Location: North Norfolk and northern New York State
Posts: 14,540
Re: Wife having trouble adjusting. Advice?
And, at the risk of sounding new-agey and all pop psychology, vitamin D deficiency too. Probably many of us British people would love a mild-ish Welsh winter, with grey skies, sleet, drizzle and short days! But I understand how it can be seriously depressing for folks who've grown up with cold, low humidity American winters with constant blue skies!!
I wonder, Sunalready, if your wife looks at the UK-Yankee site and the forums there. A lot of Americans seem to go into a depression/procrastination spiral in the British winter, and spring, longer days, and sunshine may be part of the answer.
But I'm sure everyone can empathize with the frustrations that go with being unable to find the right job, one where we feel valued, fulfilled, able to do stuff we are good at. There's no easy answer to that one.
Best of luck to you both, days are getting longer, hopefully there'll be sunshine!
I wonder, Sunalready, if your wife looks at the UK-Yankee site and the forums there. A lot of Americans seem to go into a depression/procrastination spiral in the British winter, and spring, longer days, and sunshine may be part of the answer.
But I'm sure everyone can empathize with the frustrations that go with being unable to find the right job, one where we feel valued, fulfilled, able to do stuff we are good at. There's no easy answer to that one.
Best of luck to you both, days are getting longer, hopefully there'll be sunshine!
Mar 27th 2015, 3:01 pm
#8
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 6,148
Re: Wife having trouble adjusting. Advice?
And, at the risk of sounding new-agey and all pop psychology, vitamin D deficiency too. Probably many of us British people would love a mild-ish Welsh winter, with grey skies, sleet, drizzle and short days! But I understand how it can be seriously depressing for folks who've grown up with cold, low humidity American winters with constant blue skies!!
I wonder, Sunalready, if your wife looks at the UK-Yankee site and the forums there. A lot of Americans seem to go into a depression/procrastination spiral in the British winter, and spring, longer days, and sunshine may be part of the answer.
But I'm sure everyone can empathize with the frustrations that go with being unable to find the right job, one where we feel valued, fulfilled, able to do stuff we are good at. There's no easy answer to that one.
Best of luck to you both, days are getting longer, hopefully there'll be sunshine!
I wonder, Sunalready, if your wife looks at the UK-Yankee site and the forums there. A lot of Americans seem to go into a depression/procrastination spiral in the British winter, and spring, longer days, and sunshine may be part of the answer.
But I'm sure everyone can empathize with the frustrations that go with being unable to find the right job, one where we feel valued, fulfilled, able to do stuff we are good at. There's no easy answer to that one.
Best of luck to you both, days are getting longer, hopefully there'll be sunshine!
Last edited by Moses2013; Mar 27th 2015 at 3:07 pm.
Mar 27th 2015, 5:12 pm
#10
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Location: San Diego, California
Posts: 9,655
Re: Wife having trouble adjusting. Advice?
From reading your earlier posts you are not planning to stay in the UK permanently; you say you are returning to the US next year. There were 'reasons' for you moving to the UK at this time.
So maybe your wife has never intended to settle down in the UK and is just "putting up" with living in Wales until such time as she returns home.
You say your wife has never had a full time job - she does not have one now! 24 hours a week is not full time - maybe a full time job would take her mind off her worries about living in Wales and 'vegging' out on the couch.
While winter in Wales is not much fun (I'm from Wales) your wife is from Washington State. It's not sunny all year round there either!
Yes, she might be depressed, but if she changed her job that would be a big help.
So maybe your wife has never intended to settle down in the UK and is just "putting up" with living in Wales until such time as she returns home.
You say your wife has never had a full time job - she does not have one now! 24 hours a week is not full time - maybe a full time job would take her mind off her worries about living in Wales and 'vegging' out on the couch.
While winter in Wales is not much fun (I'm from Wales) your wife is from Washington State. It's not sunny all year round there either!
Yes, she might be depressed, but if she changed her job that would be a big help.
Mar 27th 2015, 6:12 pm
#11
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Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 41,518
Re: Wife having trouble adjusting. Advice?
And, at the risk of sounding new-agey and all pop psychology, vitamin D deficiency too. Probably many of us British people would love a mild-ish Welsh winter, with grey skies, sleet, drizzle and short days! But I understand how it can be seriously depressing for folks who've grown up with cold, low humidity American winters with constant blue skies!!
I wonder, Sunalready, if your wife looks at the UK-Yankee site and the forums there. A lot of Americans seem to go into a depression/procrastination spiral in the British winter, and spring, longer days, and sunshine may be part of the answer.
But I'm sure everyone can empathize with the frustrations that go with being unable to find the right job, one where we feel valued, fulfilled, able to do stuff we are good at. There's no easy answer to that one.
Best of luck to you both, days are getting longer, hopefully there'll be sunshine!
I wonder, Sunalready, if your wife looks at the UK-Yankee site and the forums there. A lot of Americans seem to go into a depression/procrastination spiral in the British winter, and spring, longer days, and sunshine may be part of the answer.
But I'm sure everyone can empathize with the frustrations that go with being unable to find the right job, one where we feel valued, fulfilled, able to do stuff we are good at. There's no easy answer to that one.
Best of luck to you both, days are getting longer, hopefully there'll be sunshine!
Mar 27th 2015, 7:16 pm
#13
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Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 6,148
Re: Wife having trouble adjusting. Advice?
It's a big issue for anyone working indoors. A farmer anywhere in the UK will get more Vitamin D from the sun than an office worker in San Francisco. If you're in Australia and can't cope with the heat, you'll probably be in the shade all day. You can also get Vitamin D by eating fish, so it certainly isn't an excuse.
Mar 27th 2015, 7:57 pm
#14
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Posts: 41,518
Re: Wife having trouble adjusting. Advice?
It's a big issue for anyone working indoors. A farmer anywhere in the UK will get more Vitamin D from the sun than an office worker in San Francisco. If you're in Australia and can't cope with the heat, you'll probably be in the shade all day. You can also get Vitamin D by eating fish, so it certainly isn't an excuse.
Mar 28th 2015, 12:07 am
#15
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Location: Nova Scotia
Posts: 2,942
Re: Wife having trouble adjusting. Advice?
I feel so sad for you both. It sounds like depression to me. I have had a little bout of depression and it's terrible, deep sadness, no ability to make a decision, fear of making the wrong decision so you don't do anything. You know things are not right but you can't make it right either. It was an effort just to function.
Mine went with time, counselling and some meds from the doctors. It was a relief to feel normal again. She needs some help to get there. I send you lots of positive karma.
Mine went with time, counselling and some meds from the doctors. It was a relief to feel normal again. She needs some help to get there. I send you lots of positive karma.