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Wife having trouble adjusting. Advice?

Wife having trouble adjusting. Advice?

Old Mar 27th 2015, 11:01 am
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Default Wife having trouble adjusting. Advice?

I'll try and keep this brief. Basically I'm a UK citizen and my wife is US. She moved over here permanently in October of last year and despite my best efforts, she doesn't seem happy and it's beginning to affect me because I'm not sure what else I can do to help.

She's come from a sunny (warm summers, snowy winters) climate to Wales, which most winters is pretty rainly and dull. I could tell this was having an effect on her as I expected so initially put it down to that. She thankfully hasn't seemed to exhibit many signs of homesickness but in January she was stressing because she was having trouble finding a job as she worked in childcare back home but it's difficult to crack into here. Eventually she got what she thought would be a job she enjoyed at a health food store but in short, she is hating it and it's making her more depressed and as a result home life is getting tense.

Some of the trouble is, she's never worked a full time job before and in this job she works 24hrs a week, usually 3 days in the week and one day on the weekend, but this is subject to change sometimes. Even so, she just always seems tired, to the point where the first tof her 2 week days off she just spends almost doing nothing, just vegging on the sofa on the laptop all day or reading a book. Her mum has been waiting for a parcel from her for 3 months, and every day off she has and intends to post it she just says "I was too tired". When setting up bank accounts for her I had to do all the work to the point of dragging her to the branch because she procrastinated to the point where she was 2 days away from getting her first pay, with no bank account to pay it into! I try to be sympathetic because I know she is in a strange country but everything I've tried to help doesn't seem to work. I've booked her on spa days, I've taken her out sighseeing, I've bought her flowers, sometimes new clothes, any day she's working late I drive into town to pick her up so she doesnt have to get the train etc yet she seems to be getting worse. What brought it to a head is yesterday she was not scheduled to work Saturday, then got a text saying she's needed from 9-6. I got home last night and she was so down she barely said 2 words to me.

EVERYTHING seems to stres her out: Going on the train to work, booking time off from work, filing her US tax returns from 2014 (Bear in mind I've actually spent time finding the forms and guides to filling them in for her so the point where she only needs to fill in her earnings on the form I've prepped but still won't get on and do it) and it's really putting a strain on things, especially because while she stresses, she won't accept any help with anything she doesn't understand.

I sat down and talked to her last night and asked what's up, because like I say everything seems to stress her no matter what I do to help. She says it's the job. The manager apparently is a bit of a douche (but then most are), she feels stupid that after 2 months she's having to ask how to do things still, and she generally feels that she 'doesn't fit in there'. Also, she values her days off and understandably when she's told with less than 48hrs notice she has to work a full day she gets upset. The thing is, she'll go on about it, but never actually do anything about it. I've suggested talking with the manager and also stating when a schedule of working hours is set up 2 weeks in advance, that sometimes you make plans and therefore can't work last minute, but she just won't. She just shrugs her shoulders at ANYTHING I suggest. I booked us a romantic weekend away next month, and she waited too long to inform work and now it looks like she may not get the time off, leaving me with non-refundable flights to pay for.

Like I have said, I am trying to be sympathetic, but it's getting to the point where I feel the more I do, the worse it gets. I, like many, left home at 18 and have had to fend for myself. I work a full time job, sometimes 15 hours days, but I still even when tired, HAVE to find time to go food shopping, pay bills, etc etc. It's life, you just get on and do it. I just feel if she is this bad now, what would it be like if we had a baby to look after too for example? You get probably half the sleep you normally get! Some nights I don't like going home from work, because I know I'm going to have an emotional rollercoaster when I get there.

Sorry to rant on. I just want to know if I'm doing the right thing or being too harsh. I did make it clear before we got engaged that if we did this, she'd be living in the UK for a good few years at least, and if she wasn't happy with that to say so then. She said she was happy to go wherever I was. Last night I said if the job is making her THAT unhappy then to leave, or at least look for another job. This morning I sent her resume out to a few places and printed out some application forms for her but they way I feel at the moment I expect she'll just shrug them off and not do anything. If so, then I'm at the point of giving her a week and if things don't improve just to say "Either quit the job, change job or stop bringing it home to affect us", because it's affecting me (and us) now, which I'm not prepared to tolerate.

Thanks in advance!

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Old Mar 27th 2015, 11:05 am
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Default Re: Wife having trouble adjusting. Advice?

Originally Posted by Sunalready View Post
I'll try and keep this brief. Basically I'm a UK citizen and my wife is US. She moved over here permanently in October of last year and despite my best efforts, she doesn't seem happy and it's beginning to affect me because I'm not sure what else I can do to help.

She's come from a sunny (warm summers, snowy winters) climate to Wales, which most winters is pretty rainly and dull. I could tell this was having an effect on her as I expected so initially put it down to that. She thankfully hasn't seemed to exhibit many signs of homesickness but in January she was stressing because she was having trouble finding a job as she worked in childcare back home but it's difficult to crack into here. Eventually she got what she thought would be a job she enjoyed at a health food store but in short, she is hating it and it's making her more depressed and as a result home life is getting tense.

Some of the trouble is, she's never worked a full time job before and in this job she works 24hrs a week, usually 3 days in the week and one day on the weekend, but this is subject to change sometimes. Even so, she just always seems tired, to the point where the first tof her 2 week days off she just spends almost doing nothing, just vegging on the sofa on the laptop all day or reading a book. Her mum has been waiting for a parcel from her for 3 months, and every day off she has and intends to post it she just says "I was too tired". When setting up bank accounts for her I had to do all the work to the point of dragging her to the branch because she procrastinated to the point where she was 2 days away from getting her first pay, with no bank account to pay it into! I try to be sympathetic because I know she is in a strange country but everything I've tried to help doesn't seem to work. I've booked her on spa days, I've taken her out sighseeing, I've bought her flowers, sometimes new clothes, any day she's working late I drive into town to pick her up so she doesnt have to get the train etc yet she seems to be getting worse. What brought it to a head is yesterday she was not scheduled to work Saturday, then got a text saying she's needed from 9-6. I got home last night and she was so down she barely said 2 words to me.

EVERYTHING seems to stres her out: Going on the train to work, booking time off from work, filing her US tax returns from 2014 (Bear in mind I've actually spent time finding the forms and guides to filling them in for her so the point where she only needs to fill in her earnings on the form I've prepped but still won't get on and do it) and it's really putting a strain on things, especially because while she stresses, she won't accept any help with anything she doesn't understand.

I sat down and talked to her last night and asked what's up, because like I say everything seems to stress her no matter what I do to help. She says it's the job. The manager apparently is a bit of a douche (but then most are), she feels stupid that after 2 months she's having to ask how to do things still, and she generally feels that she 'doesn't fit in there'. Also, she values her days off and understandably when she's told with less than 48hrs notice she has to work a full day she gets upset. The thing is, she'll go on about it, but never actually do anything about it. I've suggested talking with the manager and also stating when a schedule of working hours is set up 2 weeks in advance, that sometimes you make plans and therefore can't work last minute, but she just won't. She just shrugs her shoulders at ANYTHING I suggest. I booked us a romantic weekend away next month, and she waited too long to inform work and now it looks like she may not get the time off, leaving me with non-refundable flights to pay for.

Like I have said, I am trying to be sympathetic, but it's getting to the point where I feel the more I do, the worse it gets. I, like many, left home at 18 and have had to fend for myself. I work a full time job, sometimes 15 hours days, but I still even when tired, HAVE to find time to go food shopping, pay bills, etc etc. It's life, you just get on and do it. I just feel if she is this bad now, what would it be like if we had a baby to look after too for example? You get probably half the sleep you normally get! Some nights I don't like going home from work, because I know I'm going to have an emotional rollercoaster when I get there.

Sorry to rant on. I just want to know if I'm doing the right thing or being too harsh. I did make it clear before we got engaged that if we did this, she'd be living in the UK for a good few years at least, and if she wasn't happy with that to say so then. She said she was happy to go wherever I was. Last night I said if the job is making her THAT unhappy then to leave, or at least look for another job. This morning I sent her resume out to a few places and printed out some application forms for her but they way I feel at the moment I expect she'll just shrug them off and not do anything. If so, then I'm at the point of giving her a week and if things don't improve just to say "Either quit the job, change job or stop bringing it home to affect us", because it's affecting me (and us) now, which I'm not prepared to tolerate.

Thanks in advance!
To be honest, your wife sounds like she is depressed. Has she been to see a GP or a counsellor? If she is depressed, she needs professional help as well as your support.
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Old Mar 27th 2015, 11:12 am
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Default Re: Wife having trouble adjusting. Advice?

I did ask her that dunroving, and have asked if she wants to go to the doctor. She said no she's fine, but I will ask her again today. Thanks.
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Old Mar 27th 2015, 11:23 am
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Default Re: Wife having trouble adjusting. Advice?

Originally Posted by dunroving View Post
To be honest, your wife sounds like she is depressed. Has she been to see a GP or a counsellor? If she is depressed, she needs professional help as well as your support.
Snap, definitely made me think 'depression'.
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Old Mar 27th 2015, 1:44 pm
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Default Re: Wife having trouble adjusting. Advice?

Originally Posted by Sunalready View Post
I did ask her that dunroving, and have asked if she wants to go to the doctor. She said no she's fine, but I will ask her again today. Thanks.
If she is seriously depressed, as she sounds, she won't want to make the effort to see a GP. She won't book holidays cos its easier just to go with the flow, and if they ring her for work she'll just go in for it cos its easier than refusing.
If she is seriously depressed she needs more than a few suggestions for the weekend, she needs something deeper and you may have a tough time ahead getting her to face her need for help.
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Old Mar 27th 2015, 2:07 pm
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Default Re: Wife having trouble adjusting. Advice?

Originally Posted by Sunalready View Post
I did ask her that dunroving, and have asked if she wants to go to the doctor. She said no she's fine, but I will ask her again today. Thanks.
Don't ask. Tell her you're concerned and are taking her to see the GP. I know what it's like to suffer with serious depression and in all honesty when someone is that far down there's not much that can help them see anything but darkness.

Yes, it's difficult for you, but your wife sounds like she is suffering and she needs your help and support right now. What she doesn't need is you telling her to "stop bringing it home". She probably doesn't even know what it is that's wrong.
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Old Mar 27th 2015, 2:29 pm
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Default Re: Wife having trouble adjusting. Advice?

Originally Posted by Sally Redux View Post
Snap, definitely made me think 'depression'.
And, at the risk of sounding new-agey and all pop psychology, vitamin D deficiency too. Probably many of us British people would love a mild-ish Welsh winter, with grey skies, sleet, drizzle and short days! But I understand how it can be seriously depressing for folks who've grown up with cold, low humidity American winters with constant blue skies!!

I wonder, Sunalready, if your wife looks at the UK-Yankee site and the forums there. A lot of Americans seem to go into a depression/procrastination spiral in the British winter, and spring, longer days, and sunshine may be part of the answer.

But I'm sure everyone can empathize with the frustrations that go with being unable to find the right job, one where we feel valued, fulfilled, able to do stuff we are good at. There's no easy answer to that one.

Best of luck to you both, days are getting longer, hopefully there'll be sunshine!
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Old Mar 27th 2015, 3:01 pm
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Default Re: Wife having trouble adjusting. Advice?

Originally Posted by robin1234 View Post
And, at the risk of sounding new-agey and all pop psychology, vitamin D deficiency too. Probably many of us British people would love a mild-ish Welsh winter, with grey skies, sleet, drizzle and short days! But I understand how it can be seriously depressing for folks who've grown up with cold, low humidity American winters with constant blue skies!!

I wonder, Sunalready, if your wife looks at the UK-Yankee site and the forums there. A lot of Americans seem to go into a depression/procrastination spiral in the British winter, and spring, longer days, and sunshine may be part of the answer.

But I'm sure everyone can empathize with the frustrations that go with being unable to find the right job, one where we feel valued, fulfilled, able to do stuff we are good at. There's no easy answer to that one.

Best of luck to you both, days are getting longer, hopefully there'll be sunshine!
There's always something wrong these days and people always moan. If it's not grey, it's too cold and when it's not cold it's too hot. I've seen worse winters in the US and depending where you are in the US it's work work, rush hour and if you're stuck in a New York apartment without a balcony or come home after six, you won't get much sun either. Luckily we have choices these days (too many), but sometimes it's just about adapting. For example this would be an idea for the back garden. Cover it and with a heater lamp you'll feel like you're on holiday. Of course depression is another story, but I've never seen moaners in the rain forest. They just get on with life and make the best of it.
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Old Mar 27th 2015, 4:54 pm
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Default Re: Wife having trouble adjusting. Advice?

Originally Posted by dunroving View Post
To be honest, your wife sounds like she is depressed. Has she been to see a GP or a counsellor? If she is depressed, she needs professional help as well as your support.

That is exactly what I took from the OP's post as well.
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Old Mar 27th 2015, 5:12 pm
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Default Re: Wife having trouble adjusting. Advice?

From reading your earlier posts you are not planning to stay in the UK permanently; you say you are returning to the US next year. There were 'reasons' for you moving to the UK at this time.

So maybe your wife has never intended to settle down in the UK and is just "putting up" with living in Wales until such time as she returns home.

You say your wife has never had a full time job - she does not have one now! 24 hours a week is not full time - maybe a full time job would take her mind off her worries about living in Wales and 'vegging' out on the couch.

While winter in Wales is not much fun (I'm from Wales) your wife is from Washington State. It's not sunny all year round there either!

Yes, she might be depressed, but if she changed her job that would be a big help.
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Old Mar 27th 2015, 6:12 pm
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Default Re: Wife having trouble adjusting. Advice?

Originally Posted by robin1234 View Post
And, at the risk of sounding new-agey and all pop psychology, vitamin D deficiency too. Probably many of us British people would love a mild-ish Welsh winter, with grey skies, sleet, drizzle and short days! But I understand how it can be seriously depressing for folks who've grown up with cold, low humidity American winters with constant blue skies!!

I wonder, Sunalready, if your wife looks at the UK-Yankee site and the forums there. A lot of Americans seem to go into a depression/procrastination spiral in the British winter, and spring, longer days, and sunshine may be part of the answer.

But I'm sure everyone can empathize with the frustrations that go with being unable to find the right job, one where we feel valued, fulfilled, able to do stuff we are good at. There's no easy answer to that one.

Best of luck to you both, days are getting longer, hopefully there'll be sunshine!
Vitamin D is a big issue for practically everyone in the UK.
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Old Mar 27th 2015, 6:12 pm
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Default Re: Wife having trouble adjusting. Advice?

Originally Posted by Sally Redux View Post
Snap, definitely made me think 'depression'.
Me too. Depressed and overwhelmed. Take her along to the doctors with the excuse, maybe that her tiredness could be due to anemia. Be patient and love her lots.
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Old Mar 27th 2015, 7:16 pm
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Default Re: Wife having trouble adjusting. Advice?

Originally Posted by Sally Redux View Post
Vitamin D is a big issue for practically everyone in the UK.
It's a big issue for anyone working indoors. A farmer anywhere in the UK will get more Vitamin D from the sun than an office worker in San Francisco. If you're in Australia and can't cope with the heat, you'll probably be in the shade all day. You can also get Vitamin D by eating fish, so it certainly isn't an excuse.
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Old Mar 27th 2015, 7:57 pm
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Default Re: Wife having trouble adjusting. Advice?

Originally Posted by Moses2013 View Post
It's a big issue for anyone working indoors. A farmer anywhere in the UK will get more Vitamin D from the sun than an office worker in San Francisco. If you're in Australia and can't cope with the heat, you'll probably be in the shade all day. You can also get Vitamin D by eating fish, so it certainly isn't an excuse.
Levels are still low. It's not an 'excuse'.
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Old Mar 28th 2015, 12:07 am
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Default Re: Wife having trouble adjusting. Advice?

I feel so sad for you both. It sounds like depression to me. I have had a little bout of depression and it's terrible, deep sadness, no ability to make a decision, fear of making the wrong decision so you don't do anything. You know things are not right but you can't make it right either. It was an effort just to function.

Mine went with time, counselling and some meds from the doctors. It was a relief to feel normal again. She needs some help to get there. I send you lots of positive karma.
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