What's horrible in the UK countryside?
Sep 28th 2013, 4:20 am
#151
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 862
Re: What's horrible in the UK countryside?
Where I worked in Milton Keynes, some travelers moved in to the field over the road. One day they burst into the office and one of them had a shit on someone's desk. That was obviously pretty gross, but in the main I liked having them there. Work decided it wasn't safe for people to be in the office after dark, so we all got to go home at 4.30pm for the few weeks they were there.
This though is quite rivetting! I have a grudging admiration for anyone who can 'burst in' and manage 'a shit on someone's desk'.
Perhaps that is why they burst in? Caught short and all that.
But then I thought if they had a fit of the Mrs Dales, then did they have time to pull their pants down?
Then of course the obvious occurred to me: they were travellers!!!!
No need to pull the pants down! just take a dump straight on through.
Then of course there were the simple logistics:
Were they tall?
Did they just bend over and let fly across the top of the desk standing beside it?
Of course there was always the option that they were able to climb up on the desk and squat I suppose?
But it occurred to me that if they had the time to do all that , then perhaps they had time to pull the pants down?
Then of course there is the vexed question of toilet paper.
Did they bring their own?
If they burst in, with the dilemma of squat or point and shoot, it is unlikely to be so.
Which opens up another question:
Did they wipe their bum at all?
If they wiped their bum, did they use a departmental memo?
If they did not wipe their bum (they are travellers after all),
Did they just use the 'scoop up the excess' method, by dragging the pants in a slow motion across the bum and upward?
Or? did they remove the pants totally and wipe their bum with them?
I then realised that they might not have been wearing any pants at all!
It seems logical to me that if I were to burst into an office ready to shit on a desk, I would remove all lower garments in preparation for the rapid fire deposit on the desk.
Thankfully I have managed to contain myself to date, but it is a definite maybe for a polishituns desk. I doubt they would notice any difference.
I am really pleased you liked having them there, but unimpressed that you closed at 4.30pm.
What if they wanted a desk shit at 5?
It is only fair. Any office that would stand by and observe a deskdump is an extremely accommodating office.
I am hopeful that you left a desk outside for their ...er, convenience?
Sep 28th 2013, 4:25 am
#152
Not actually a squirrel
Thread Starter
Joined: Apr 2010
Location: England
Posts: 3,446
Re: What's horrible in the UK countryside?
What about flies? Mosquitoes? Quicksand? Badgers that chase?
Any of those in the British outback?
Any of those in the British outback?
Sep 28th 2013, 6:10 am
#153
Banned
Joined: Jan 2011
Location: The REAL Utopia.
Posts: 9,910
Re: What's horrible in the UK countryside?
10.30 am!!! Oh ffs. I suppose you have to bend down to pick it up off the floor after it's fallen through the letter box in the door too.
That's it.
You can stick yer countryside.
PS: Anyone know if the hunts still get about annoying foxes? I guess that's a rural thing which might annoy. People who are cruel to animals vs animals which are cruel to animals. Same thing maybe...
That's it.
You can stick yer countryside.
PS: Anyone know if the hunts still get about annoying foxes? I guess that's a rural thing which might annoy. People who are cruel to animals vs animals which are cruel to animals. Same thing maybe...
Sep 28th 2013, 6:15 am
#154
Banned
Joined: Jan 2011
Location: The REAL Utopia.
Posts: 9,910
Re: What's horrible in the UK countryside?
I must say I am still trying to get my head around the belief that the use of 'expat' is racist. Expat is obviously short for expatriate 'An expatriate is a person temporarily or permanently residing in a country and culture other than that of the person's upbringing.' In what reality can it ever be considered racist in any way whatsoever? Its absurd.
Sep 28th 2013, 6:26 am
#155
Not actually a squirrel
Thread Starter
Joined: Apr 2010
Location: England
Posts: 3,446
Re: What's horrible in the UK countryside?
I must say I am still trying to get my head around the belief that the use of 'expat' is racist. Expat is obviously short for expatriate 'An expatriate is a person temporarily or permanently residing in a country and culture other than that of the person's upbringing.' In what reality can it ever be considered racist in any way whatsoever? Its absurd.
Not much chance of being called that in the English countryside.
Sep 28th 2013, 6:29 am
#156
Banned
Joined: Jan 2011
Location: The REAL Utopia.
Posts: 9,910
Re: What's horrible in the UK countryside?
Yes I agree, I hate use of the word Pom, mostly because of the way it is often used. Expat cant possibly be racist, it defies logic to think it is.
Sep 28th 2013, 7:30 am
#157
Concierge
Joined: May 2006
Location: ex ex-pat, in Taunton
Posts: 27,213
Re: What's horrible in the UK countryside?
10.30 am!!! Oh ffs. I suppose you have to bend down to pick it up off the floor after it's fallen through the letter box in the door too.
That's it.
You can stick yer countryside.
PS: Anyone know if the hunts still get about annoying foxes? I guess that's a rural thing which might annoy. People who are cruel to animals vs animals which are cruel to animals. Same thing maybe...
That's it.
You can stick yer countryside.
PS: Anyone know if the hunts still get about annoying foxes? I guess that's a rural thing which might annoy. People who are cruel to animals vs animals which are cruel to animals. Same thing maybe...
Sep 28th 2013, 7:33 am
#158
Concierge
Joined: May 2006
Location: ex ex-pat, in Taunton
Posts: 27,213
Re: What's horrible in the UK countryside?
We had a dog that loved to get the mail, and newspaper, from the door, however the first thing she did with it was to give it a really good shaking, to ensure it was dead. Didn't matter too much with the mail, but with a newspaper it made a bit of a mess of it.
Sep 28th 2013, 7:49 am
#159
Iwannagohome.
Joined: Mar 2013
Location: Lovely BOP but bloody pricey!
Posts: 47
Re: What's horrible in the UK countryside?
Interesting. The whole turn of events I mean.
This though is quite rivetting! I have a grudging admiration for anyone who can 'burst in' and manage 'a shit on someone's desk'.
Perhaps that is why they burst in? Caught short and all that.
But then I thought if they had a fit of the Mrs Dales, then did they have time to pull their pants down?
Then of course the obvious occurred to me: they were travellers!!!!
No need to pull the pants down! just take a dump straight on through.
Then of course there were the simple logistics:
Were they tall?
Did they just bend over and let fly across the top of the desk standing beside it?
Of course there was always the option that they were able to climb up on the desk and squat I suppose?
But it occurred to me that if they had the time to do all that , then perhaps they had time to pull the pants down?
Then of course there is the vexed question of toilet paper.
Did they bring their own?
If they burst in, with the dilemma of squat or point and shoot, it is unlikely to be so.
Which opens up another question:
Did they wipe their bum at all?
If they wiped their bum, did they use a departmental memo?
If they did not wipe their bum (they are travellers after all),
Did they just use the 'scoop up the excess' method, by dragging the pants in a slow motion across the bum and upward?
Or? did they remove the pants totally and wipe their bum with them?
I then realised that they might not have been wearing any pants at all!
It seems logical to me that if I were to burst into an office ready to shit on a desk, I would remove all lower garments in preparation for the rapid fire deposit on the desk.
Thankfully I have managed to contain myself to date, but it is a definite maybe for a polishituns desk. I doubt they would notice any difference.
I am really pleased you liked having them there, but unimpressed that you closed at 4.30pm.
What if they wanted a desk shit at 5?
It is only fair. Any office that would stand by and observe a deskdump is an extremely accommodating office.
I am hopeful that you left a desk outside for their ...er, convenience?
This though is quite rivetting! I have a grudging admiration for anyone who can 'burst in' and manage 'a shit on someone's desk'.
Perhaps that is why they burst in? Caught short and all that.
But then I thought if they had a fit of the Mrs Dales, then did they have time to pull their pants down?
Then of course the obvious occurred to me: they were travellers!!!!
No need to pull the pants down! just take a dump straight on through.
Then of course there were the simple logistics:
Were they tall?
Did they just bend over and let fly across the top of the desk standing beside it?
Of course there was always the option that they were able to climb up on the desk and squat I suppose?
But it occurred to me that if they had the time to do all that , then perhaps they had time to pull the pants down?
Then of course there is the vexed question of toilet paper.
Did they bring their own?
If they burst in, with the dilemma of squat or point and shoot, it is unlikely to be so.
Which opens up another question:
Did they wipe their bum at all?
If they wiped their bum, did they use a departmental memo?
If they did not wipe their bum (they are travellers after all),
Did they just use the 'scoop up the excess' method, by dragging the pants in a slow motion across the bum and upward?
Or? did they remove the pants totally and wipe their bum with them?
I then realised that they might not have been wearing any pants at all!
It seems logical to me that if I were to burst into an office ready to shit on a desk, I would remove all lower garments in preparation for the rapid fire deposit on the desk.
Thankfully I have managed to contain myself to date, but it is a definite maybe for a polishituns desk. I doubt they would notice any difference.
I am really pleased you liked having them there, but unimpressed that you closed at 4.30pm.
What if they wanted a desk shit at 5?
It is only fair. Any office that would stand by and observe a deskdump is an extremely accommodating office.
I am hopeful that you left a desk outside for their ...er, convenience?
I don't always agree with some of your posts but I found this hilarious
This thread is a good laugh if nothing else although there are some posters who may need to take a chill pill. Racism isn't funny, but to be able to describe the anti-social antics of a particular group that can ruin the quality of lives of others in a frank, open and often amusing way, is.
Sep 28th 2013, 8:36 am
#160
Straw Man.
Joined: Aug 2006
Location: That, there, that's not my post count... nothing to see here, move along.
Posts: 46,302
Re: What's horrible in the UK countryside?
Ahhh... My Big Fat Soft Porn Gypsy.... I can't watch that without feeling more than a little mucky, I mean, does the cameraman have some sort of obsession with scantily clad girls grinding awkwardly to incongruously placed music?
Sep 28th 2013, 12:33 pm
#161
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Jan 2011
Location: Tunbridge Wells KENT
Posts: 2,914
Re: What's horrible in the UK countryside?
There are some distinctions that need to be noted. For example, there are jobs in certain countries that are only there for migrant labour while there is a shortage of local indigenous workforce to perform those jobs, so a work permit is granted. In such instances a British expat could get that work permit but would not be regarded as an immigrant per se since it might only be relatively temporary. A permanent move / stay and offer of citizenship would be out of the question.
Last edited by Pistolpete2; Sep 28th 2013 at 12:52 pm. Reason: There are some distinctions.....A permanent move....
Sep 28th 2013, 3:40 pm
#162
I have a comma problem
Joined: Feb 2009
Location: Fox Lake, IL (from Carrickfergus NI)
Posts: 49,598
Re: What's horrible in the UK countryside?
Pom is racist now? Christ on a ****ing bike, you bleeding hearts kill me. Since when are the English a race, then?
Sep 28th 2013, 4:16 pm
#163
Straw Man.
Joined: Aug 2006
Location: That, there, that's not my post count... nothing to see here, move along.
Posts: 46,302
Sep 28th 2013, 5:32 pm
#164
I have a comma problem
Joined: Feb 2009
Location: Fox Lake, IL (from Carrickfergus NI)
Posts: 49,598
Sep 28th 2013, 5:45 pm
#165
Banned
Joined: Jan 2011
Location: The REAL Utopia.
Posts: 9,910
Re: What's horrible in the UK countryside?
Surely the subtlety is that the word expat is used to "clean up" the image of the Brit that is actually simply an immigrant while at the same time, for example, immigrants to the UK are being slagged off for being nothing worse than that British expat?
There are some distinctions that need to be noted. For example, there are jobs in certain countries that are only there for migrant labour while there is a shortage of local indigenous workforce to perform those jobs, so a work permit is granted. In such instances a British expat could get that work permit but would not be regarded as an immigrant per se since it might only be relatively temporary. A permanent move / stay and offer of citizenship would be out of the question.
There are some distinctions that need to be noted. For example, there are jobs in certain countries that are only there for migrant labour while there is a shortage of local indigenous workforce to perform those jobs, so a work permit is granted. In such instances a British expat could get that work permit but would not be regarded as an immigrant per se since it might only be relatively temporary. A permanent move / stay and offer of citizenship would be out of the question.