RChappo

Well...we leave for the UK in about 2 weeks. Can't wait.

But...last night we had the (not unexpected it must be said), major guilt trip laid on us by my MIL (American). In fact my wife's parents came to visit us specifically to tell us of their displeasure that we will not be spending Xmas in the US with them as usual. It seems a little strange to say this to us now...as we booked the flights about 4 months ago and they knew of our plans back then.

So we had my MIL doing her "my kids won't be here so there will be no Xmas here" speech (her "kids" are 25 and 33! btw). And my wife ending up in tears for the rest of the night and feeling guilty that she has ruined her parents Xmas this year.

During none of this were my feelings ever taken into account or my opinion asked - no matter that I have not spent a Xmas with my parents for the last 10 years and I might like to see them now and again.....or the fact that I've not seem my Dad since he was diagnosed with cancer 2 years ago and that the prospect of seeing us at Xmas has really helped his mood this past few months...no...none of that matters!!!

I was (and am) sooooo angry!!!! And it's definitely cast a bit of a shadow over our trip preparations - I was just beginning to wind down slowly...but I'm wound right back up now.

Does anyone else get this kind of guilt trip when you dare to take someone's beloved son or daugher out of the country. Are American parents more "needy" that UK ones....my parents would never treat us in the way.

Claire784

How does your wife feel now? Does she still feel guilty about 'ruining' her parent's Christmas this year or can she see your point of view? I can't imagine feeling upset about having one Christmas away from my mom and dad to spend it with my husband's family who we haven't spent a Christmas with in ten years! Thankfully, my husband isn't close with his family so this is never a problem, but if it was I would feel very angry especially if we saw his family regularly.

I wish I could spend this Christmas back in England. It never has that christmas feeling here.

Mummy in the foothills

That would make me so mad, selfish selfish selfish!
I'd write them a note, let them know you are so sorry for ruining their Christmas, but the joy in your own parents voices when you told them you and your Dw were coming has overridden any guilt you now feel, seeing your father for maybe one last time (due to his cancer diagnosis) may be a memory you cannot chance to miss. and that you will be happy to go out for a nice meal with them when you both return.
Holy cow if they do this over one Christmas, what the heck would they do if you and your Dw decided to move to UK?

Celticspirit

Sallysimmons....I am almost there too....except I have a divorce to go through. We don't dislike each other so that should not cause much stress.....just sadness. Xmas here with my daughter and her boyfriend coming from NYC. As I have puppies due Xmas week...it will be a Whole Foods order with personal touches like home made stuffing and plum pudding, Xmas cake Birds Custard etc from the "British Emporium" ( local Brit store). Grand babies will come to get their presents and my husband will most likely go to the Big Greek Family event.

dunroving

Some comments are so inanely selfish and unthoughtful they don't deserve a response. My gut feeling is that in this situation any response will just provide more ammunition for them. That's based on the description of the situation - maybe they do have some common sense and would see the point, but I wouldn't be putting a lot of emotional energy into it.

Also, I think any response needs to come from the daughter, not the son-in-law (who shouldn't really have to respond - they're not his parents).

RChappo

Thanks for everyone's comments. Two days later and I've just about calmed down

I really had to bite my tongue and I feel kind of bad that I didn't stand up for my wife when she was being confronted (they spoke to her directly and didn't address me at all) - but I know from experience that when my MIL is in one of those moods there is no stopping her.

What really upset me (apart from my wife breaking out into tears obviously) is the obvious lack of respect that my wife's parents have for me and my family. They just don't consider our feelings for a second. This isn't the first time this kind of thing has happened - but it was the most blatant example so far that they really don't give a damn about anyone but themselves.
I told my parents what happened (i had to get it off my chest) and they were furious...so much so that my Mum had to stop my Dad reaching for the phone to call up my in laws and giving them a piece of his mind!!!

Anyway, my MIL has been placated because my FIL has suggested that they should have their Xmas meal catered this year. So she's happy now! She called up the next day to tell my wife of their plans - she didn't apologise of course. I love how we're all supposed to be happy again because she has the dinner arrangements worked out to her satisfaction now. Like the dinner was the real issue!!! So while things have blown over deep down I am still really angry with them - the words were said and they hurt!

Anyway after a rought couple of days I'm starting to look forward to our trip once again!

Celticspirit

I really feel for you. It is so hard to be so far from one's family when there is trouble brewing. I didn't realize how much my parents loved me until, after a very ugly divorce, I was served with annulment (Catholic) papers on my 49th birthday. We had two beautiful and highly successful children together and were married for 23 years and together for 28. My parents even tried to contact the pope to stop the annulment!!!!!!!! End of story.......annulment granted with a $50,000 donation to Dallas Catholic Charities. He was married again in the Catholic Church four months later.
I hope everything works out for you and have a guilt free wonderful trip home for the holidays :-) Best of everything to you.

Englishmum

What a pair of tossers your in-laws are! I bet you're expected to spend Thanksgiving with them every year as well?

Enjoy your Christmas in the UK....and I hope you really get to spend some quality time with your Dad

RChappo

Every Thanksgiving, every birthday (of any family member), every new year, every Chinese new year (there is asian heritage in the family), every anniversary, every easter, and any time my MIL decides she wants to summon us over....we have to come running or there is a comment made that is designed to make us feel guilty about not being there.

The other thing that will happen is that when we return from our trip my in-laws will barely show an interest in it. They won't be interested in seeing our photos or knowing anything about what we did while we were away. But my FIL will spand ages telling us all about what we "missed" while we were out of town (it's usually not much!).

It always happens...

Anyway I can console myself because in two weeks and a days time I will be here:

http://www.360cities.net/image/notti...2.60,0.00,70.0

and that makes me very very happy!

Hope you all have a great Christmas and New Year!

dunroving

It all sounds very dysfunctional - how did your wife end up being so normal? (I assume she is relatively normal )

RChappo

Yes she is very normal (thank goodness!). Her grandmother is also a very lovely person - the complete opposite of her parents. I've never understood it.

Beedubya

It skips a generation.

Englishmum

Next Saturday night I'm flying to LHR and my mum is going to meet me - she will be taking the Heathrow Express bus from Coventry but told me that she doesn't want to get up 'too early' so I guess I'll be hanging around a Terminal 3 coffee shop with a Sunday newspaper until she turns up!

We will stay in an hotel in Hounslow (next to the Piccadilly Line tube station) so I won't need to rent a car. My daughter lives on the Isleworth/Twickenham border but there is a bus service which goes from the town right to where she lives (in a tiny flat). I had a massive argument with her horrible (controlling) partner in the Summer as he demanded that I apologise to him for something I didn't do. I refused to bow to his demand, so he's 'banned' me from going to the flat if he's around...

Anyway, I can't wait to see my lovely little baby grandaughter (9 months old). There is a Christmas party at the nursery where she goes 2 days a week and my daughter wants my mum and myself to attend.

On the 16th I return to LHR and fly to Zurich to spend Christmas and NY with my spouse in Switzerland - our first Christmas there. The Swiss - like most mainland Europeans - celebrate on the evening of Christmas Eve, but there are other expats on the condo and I think there is a vague plan to go up to the massive hill behind when it gets dark, light up the fire pit (next to a small waterfall) and cook up some bratwurst and drink some mulled wine (if it isn't snowing!). I have no idea what we will eat on Christmas Day yet, the Swiss Germans apparently cook goose, which we don't fancy but I don't know if one can get a turkey breast or not (although we've just had turkey over here for Thanksgiving). Perhaps we can pick up a ham or some pork roast.

I will miss one local tradition there which takes place tomorrow (spouse got a circular); Father Christmas sails across Lake Zug to the village (we are about 11/2 miles from the town of Zug) on a boat lit with fairy lights. All the village children greet him at the lakeside with hand-made candle-lit lanterns and they parade around the village, where they receive a gift. Also many of the local residents have an 'open house' at their individual residences and it seems that one can go and see their decorated homes and offer Christmas greetings - not sure if gifts or food/drink is involved.

I plan to hit one of the 'pound shops' in Hounslow or Twickenham to get Christmas tree lights as they're extremely expensive in Switzerland. We hope to have a real tree this year, last year in tropical Singapore we had a scraggly fake tree which we threw out. I'm not sure how many of our tree baubles made it in the shipment.....

Our son is planning to come to Switerland too and will fly directly from New Jersey to Zurich, but sadly my daughter is unable to get time off from work.....and her horrible spiteful partner doesn't want the baby to have a passport...

Celticspirit

It all sounds so magical except for your daughter's situation. Enjoy your time with your grand baby and Merry Christmas to you all :-)

ehl250

Isn't that called emotional blackmail.