Want to go home, husband doesn't
Aug 15th 2009, 1:31 pm
#31
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Oct 2007
Location: Herne Bay, Kent, England.
Posts: 442
Re: Update - Re: Want to go home, husband doesn't
Well I've decided we're going back to the UK. Husband doesn't want to but has reluctantly agreed. Financially it's going to be a nightmare (cars on lease etc etc) but I just have to go.
Had decided to give it a couple more years til financially it would be better, and I would have citizenship, but after my husband pulled another stunt this week (impromptu night out, phone switched off, came back staggering drunk at 1.30am) I realised he will never change and I just need to get back home.
Your replies to my first post gave me a lot to think about so thank you all for your input. It's going to be tough, and I know he'll leave most of it to me to organise, but I just have to stay strong and focused and overcome the obstacles one by one.
Strange that in so many ways this is the wrong decision (financially), yet it feels so right and I'm relieved.
Will keep you posted.
Had decided to give it a couple more years til financially it would be better, and I would have citizenship, but after my husband pulled another stunt this week (impromptu night out, phone switched off, came back staggering drunk at 1.30am) I realised he will never change and I just need to get back home.
Your replies to my first post gave me a lot to think about so thank you all for your input. It's going to be tough, and I know he'll leave most of it to me to organise, but I just have to stay strong and focused and overcome the obstacles one by one.
Strange that in so many ways this is the wrong decision (financially), yet it feels so right and I'm relieved.
Will keep you posted.
Aug 15th 2009, 6:10 pm
#32
Niamh,Paul + 4 :)
Joined: Jul 2007
Location: sunshine coast, now back home in Ireland :)
Posts: 1,861
Re: Want to go home, husband doesn't
Really sympathise with your situation and hope it works out ok for you.
Wow, reading all these stories certainly keeps your eyes open about emigrating.
We ( wife, 2 kids, 1&6 ) are starting the process of emigrating to Canada. We can't get out quick enough but she's probably gonna miss her folks slightly more than me. Hopefully we will settle in quick and integrate as smoothly as possible. It helps that my cousin and his family are already there which is going to help us enormously. Everyones different and you hear some horror stories but they are loving it and have no intention of coming back.
Like others, i would suggest some sort of counselling to help you through this.
As a matter of interest, what would you be coming back to here? Have you got family,property, a job? We are absolutely being screwed to the deck here and we both work! I'm not saying its going to be any easier when we get there but at least we'll have something to show for it.
Good luck.
Wow, reading all these stories certainly keeps your eyes open about emigrating.
We ( wife, 2 kids, 1&6 ) are starting the process of emigrating to Canada. We can't get out quick enough but she's probably gonna miss her folks slightly more than me. Hopefully we will settle in quick and integrate as smoothly as possible. It helps that my cousin and his family are already there which is going to help us enormously. Everyones different and you hear some horror stories but they are loving it and have no intention of coming back.
Like others, i would suggest some sort of counselling to help you through this.
As a matter of interest, what would you be coming back to here? Have you got family,property, a job? We are absolutely being screwed to the deck here and we both work! I'm not saying its going to be any easier when we get there but at least we'll have something to show for it.
Good luck.
so my warning to you is if you are heading over to Canada stand on your own two feet, have your own place rely on no one espically friends or family so then it wont turn sour.
My very good friend moved over here to what they tought would be a family support her husband sister was here. how did that work out, yep you have guessed it they wouldnt see them that much at all. so very little support.
I know your going to say f off what would I know
and may be Im being extreme, but I wish some one had of said to me, wait dont go on till you are ready and just in case dont rely on family/ friend's over there for to much help. things would be so much diffierent IE my DH would still have his best friend but we still would have come home LOL my homesickness and the kids was one hurdel we couldnt get over. Im still glad we went and Ild never say to any one dont go, but go with an open mind and dont leave the UK or were ever cause your stuck in a rut working all the time etc as it will probably be no diffierent when you get to canada only this time you wont have family you wont feel guilty about leaving the kids with. sorry for such a long post
Aug 15th 2009, 9:55 pm
#33
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Oct 2006
Location: BC
Posts: 1,361
Re: Update - Re: Want to go home, husband doesn't
Well I've decided we're going back to the UK. Husband doesn't want to but has reluctantly agreed. Financially it's going to be a nightmare (cars on lease etc etc) but I just have to go.
Had decided to give it a couple more years til financially it would be better, and I would have citizenship, but after my husband pulled another stunt this week (impromptu night out, phone switched off, came back staggering drunk at 1.30am) I realised he will never change and I just need to get back home.
Your replies to my first post gave me a lot to think about so thank you all for your input. It's going to be tough, and I know he'll leave most of it to me to organise, but I just have to stay strong and focused and overcome the obstacles one by one.
Strange that in so many ways this is the wrong decision (financially), yet it feels so right and I'm relieved.
Will keep you posted.
Had decided to give it a couple more years til financially it would be better, and I would have citizenship, but after my husband pulled another stunt this week (impromptu night out, phone switched off, came back staggering drunk at 1.30am) I realised he will never change and I just need to get back home.
Your replies to my first post gave me a lot to think about so thank you all for your input. It's going to be tough, and I know he'll leave most of it to me to organise, but I just have to stay strong and focused and overcome the obstacles one by one.
Strange that in so many ways this is the wrong decision (financially), yet it feels so right and I'm relieved.
Will keep you posted.
during his drinking binges.Have a back up plan if things become unbearable
and explosive. Take care and keep posting.
Yoong
Aug 16th 2009, 8:41 pm
#34
Sloopy Frickenbutt
Joined: May 2006
Location: Its good ere Honest........
Posts: 5,225
Re: Update - Re: Want to go home, husband doesn't
Well I've decided we're going back to the UK. Husband doesn't want to but has reluctantly agreed. Financially it's going to be a nightmare (cars on lease etc etc) but I just have to go.
Had decided to give it a couple more years til financially it would be better, and I would have citizenship, but after my husband pulled another stunt this week (impromptu night out, phone switched off, came back staggering drunk at 1.30am) I realised he will never change and I just need to get back home.
Your replies to my first post gave me a lot to think about so thank you all for your input. It's going to be tough, and I know he'll leave most of it to me to organise, but I just have to stay strong and focused and overcome the obstacles one by one.
Strange that in so many ways this is the wrong decision (financially), yet it feels so right and I'm relieved.
Will keep you posted.
Had decided to give it a couple more years til financially it would be better, and I would have citizenship, but after my husband pulled another stunt this week (impromptu night out, phone switched off, came back staggering drunk at 1.30am) I realised he will never change and I just need to get back home.
Your replies to my first post gave me a lot to think about so thank you all for your input. It's going to be tough, and I know he'll leave most of it to me to organise, but I just have to stay strong and focused and overcome the obstacles one by one.
Strange that in so many ways this is the wrong decision (financially), yet it feels so right and I'm relieved.
Will keep you posted.
But what a release once its made Mmm
Good Luck .......
May 3rd 2010, 11:01 pm
#35
Just Joined
Thread Starter
Joined: Jun 2009
Posts: 5
Re: Want to go home, husband doesn't
Just wanted to update you on my situation, even though I haven't been on BE in a while.
I made it back
and am so happy to be here. Husband came too, and even though he'd still rather be in Canada, we are getting on better than we have done in years. I know I made the right decision in coming home, and the fact that my marriage is on the mend is the unexpected icing on the cake.
Thank you all for your support when I needed it, and to anyone contemplating a move back : think about it, give it a bit of time but if the urge just doesn't go away then go with your gut instinct - life really is too short to be unhappy.
Even though in some ways life isn't as good here as in Canada, the UK has an awful lot going for it that you don't appreciate until you've lived elsewhere.
At the end of the day, I'm home You have to live somewhere, and for me this is it.
I made it back
and am so happy to be here. Husband came too, and even though he'd still rather be in Canada, we are getting on better than we have done in years. I know I made the right decision in coming home, and the fact that my marriage is on the mend is the unexpected icing on the cake. Thank you all for your support when I needed it, and to anyone contemplating a move back : think about it, give it a bit of time but if the urge just doesn't go away then go with your gut instinct - life really is too short to be unhappy.
Even though in some ways life isn't as good here as in Canada, the UK has an awful lot going for it that you don't appreciate until you've lived elsewhere.
At the end of the day, I'm home
You have to live somewhere, and for me this is it.
May 3rd 2010, 11:25 pm
#36
The Kwisatz Haderach
Joined: Aug 2008
Location: North Wales
Posts: 8,080
Re: Want to go home, husband doesn't
Just wanted to update you on my situation, even though I haven't been on BE in a while.
I made it back and am so happy to be here. Husband came too, and even though he'd still rather be in Canada, we are getting on better than we have done in years. I know I made the right decision in coming home, and the fact that my marriage is on the mend is the unexpected icing on the cake.
Thank you all for your support when I needed it, and to anyone contemplating a move back : think about it, give it a bit of time but if the urge just doesn't go away then go with your gut instinct - life really is too short to be unhappy.
Even though in some ways life isn't as good here as in Canada, the UK has an awful lot going for it that you don't appreciate until you've lived elsewhere.
At the end of the day, I'm home You have to live somewhere, and for me this is it.
I made it back
and am so happy to be here. Husband came too, and even though he'd still rather be in Canada, we are getting on better than we have done in years. I know I made the right decision in coming home, and the fact that my marriage is on the mend is the unexpected icing on the cake. Thank you all for your support when I needed it, and to anyone contemplating a move back : think about it, give it a bit of time but if the urge just doesn't go away then go with your gut instinct - life really is too short to be unhappy.
Even though in some ways life isn't as good here as in Canada, the UK has an awful lot going for it that you don't appreciate until you've lived elsewhere.
At the end of the day, I'm home
You have to live somewhere, and for me this is it.Plus come back and keep the rest of us going, give us some advice on shipping, and all the rest as it comes up. It seems it's always better to hear this stuff from someone who's been there done that.
May 3rd 2010, 11:55 pm
#37
Forum Regular
Joined: Nov 2007
Location: Toronto, but not for long, Inshallah
Posts: 248
Re: Want to go home, husband doesn't
Just wanted to update you on my situation, even though I haven't been on BE in a while.
I made it back and am so happy to be here. Husband came too, and even though he'd still rather be in Canada, we are getting on better than we have done in years. I know I made the right decision in coming home, and the fact that my marriage is on the mend is the unexpected icing on the cake.
Thank you all for your support when I needed it, and to anyone contemplating a move back : think about it, give it a bit of time but if the urge just doesn't go away then go with your gut instinct - life really is too short to be unhappy.
Even though in some ways life isn't as good here as in Canada, the UK has an awful lot going for it that you don't appreciate until you've lived elsewhere.
At the end of the day, I'm home You have to live somewhere, and for me this is it.
I made it back
and am so happy to be here. Husband came too, and even though he'd still rather be in Canada, we are getting on better than we have done in years. I know I made the right decision in coming home, and the fact that my marriage is on the mend is the unexpected icing on the cake. Thank you all for your support when I needed it, and to anyone contemplating a move back : think about it, give it a bit of time but if the urge just doesn't go away then go with your gut instinct - life really is too short to be unhappy.
Even though in some ways life isn't as good here as in Canada, the UK has an awful lot going for it that you don't appreciate until you've lived elsewhere.
At the end of the day, I'm home
You have to live somewhere, and for me this is it.I have been reading your postings and this particular thread with interest and found myself hoping for a happy ending! So glad it has ended well for you all.
I am about to leave Canada to go home to UK after many many years abroad. Hubby is Canadian and not as enthusiastic as I am about the move, and is worried he wont get a good job. I am a pretty good negotiator and hope I can convince him that we will have just as good a life in UK as here in Canada. Perhaps we can even have some friends!! Its been a long and lonely 5 years here in CA, the winters are brutal, and its time for a change.
Good for you and I applaud you on your determination to do what you thought was right for the family. Probably the best thing you ever did!
May 4th 2010, 3:00 am
#38
Forum Regular
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 120
Re: Want to go home, husband doesn't
Just wanted to update you on my situation, even though I haven't been on BE in a while.
I made it back and am so happy to be here. Husband came too, and even though he'd still rather be in Canada, we are getting on better than we have done in years. I know I made the right decision in coming home, and the fact that my marriage is on the mend is the unexpected icing on the cake.
Thank you all for your support when I needed it, and to anyone contemplating a move back : think about it, give it a bit of time but if the urge just doesn't go away then go with your gut instinct - life really is too short to be unhappy.
Even though in some ways life isn't as good here as in Canada, the UK has an awful lot going for it that you don't appreciate until you've lived elsewhere.
At the end of the day, I'm home You have to live somewhere, and for me this is it.
I made it back
and am so happy to be here. Husband came too, and even though he'd still rather be in Canada, we are getting on better than we have done in years. I know I made the right decision in coming home, and the fact that my marriage is on the mend is the unexpected icing on the cake. Thank you all for your support when I needed it, and to anyone contemplating a move back : think about it, give it a bit of time but if the urge just doesn't go away then go with your gut instinct - life really is too short to be unhappy.
Even though in some ways life isn't as good here as in Canada, the UK has an awful lot going for it that you don't appreciate until you've lived elsewhere.
At the end of the day, I'm home
You have to live somewhere, and for me this is it.We have our house on the market and are waiting for it to sell, we are very stressed and every few days one of us will be having cold feet about the whole thing.
It helps to hear from those who have made it to the other side
May 5th 2010, 1:43 am
#39
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,610
Re: Want to go home, husband doesn't
Sounds like your husbands was not very nice when he was working and you where home full time. Staying out late when you had to deal with young children. I have no idea what he is really like but he does sound selfish.
Going to therapy is fine but with just one of your going its not going to help the marriage but it might help you, just make sure you get a good therapist.
Like someone else said if your still in the same mind after therapy I would just say you are going home for a short while to take stock. Don't be stuck in Canada because if the courts get a hold of you they will make you stay till the children are grown up and what does that do to your life.
I at my time of life would be selfish looking back and say get back home if he loves you and the children he will follow you.
Going to therapy is fine but with just one of your going its not going to help the marriage but it might help you, just make sure you get a good therapist.
Like someone else said if your still in the same mind after therapy I would just say you are going home for a short while to take stock. Don't be stuck in Canada because if the courts get a hold of you they will make you stay till the children are grown up and what does that do to your life.
I at my time of life would be selfish looking back and say get back home if he loves you and the children he will follow you.
May 5th 2010, 7:47 am
#40
Forum Regular
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 41
Re: Want to go home, husband doesn't
I just found your postings and its so good to hear that you have moved back to where you "belong" and that hubby has followed and everything is working out well.
I totally 'hear you' on what you have been through. I spent two days in non stop tears over feeling torn between countries and even saw a counsellor to see things a bit more clearly. Counsellor advised that we have to be true to self to be happy otherwise things will never work out and that once you make the big decision all the small stuff falls in to place .......I am moving back to UK alone and I hope that my other follows next year (he wants to spend more time over here first but has said he will come next year).
Whatever happens in the future though I feel so content in that I have made the big decision to move back. Although its not a perfect situation, when I decided it felt like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. Everyone comments how well I have started to look since deciding what to do and taking the first steps.
I can't wait to re-start life again back in the UK. The rest will fall in to place somehow.
I totally 'hear you' on what you have been through. I spent two days in non stop tears over feeling torn between countries and even saw a counsellor to see things a bit more clearly. Counsellor advised that we have to be true to self to be happy otherwise things will never work out and that once you make the big decision all the small stuff falls in to place .......I am moving back to UK alone and I hope that my other follows next year (he wants to spend more time over here first but has said he will come next year).
Whatever happens in the future though I feel so content in that I have made the big decision to move back. Although its not a perfect situation, when I decided it felt like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. Everyone comments how well I have started to look since deciding what to do and taking the first steps.
I can't wait to re-start life again back in the UK. The rest will fall in to place somehow.
May 5th 2010, 9:09 am
#41
Niamh,Paul + 4 :)
Joined: Jul 2007
Location: sunshine coast, now back home in Ireland :)
Posts: 1,861
Re: Want to go home, husband doesn't
Frequentflyer, good luck, I hope all works out we have one life and we deserve to be happy.
we have one life and we deserve to be happy.
May 10th 2010, 12:42 pm
#42
Finally Home!
Joined: Mar 2010
Location: Used to be New York, now North Yorkshire
Posts: 3,610
Re: Want to go home, husband doesn't
Sounds like your husbands was not very nice when he was working and you where home full time. Staying out late when you had to deal with young children. I have no idea what he is really like but he does sound selfish.
Going to therapy is fine but with just one of your going its not going to help the marriage but it might help you, just make sure you get a good therapist.
Like someone else said if your still in the same mind after therapy I would just say you are going home for a short while to take stock. Don't be stuck in Canada because if the courts get a hold of you they will make you stay till the children are grown up and what does that do to your life.
I at my time of life would be selfish looking back and say get back home if he loves you and the children he will follow you.
Going to therapy is fine but with just one of your going its not going to help the marriage but it might help you, just make sure you get a good therapist.
Like someone else said if your still in the same mind after therapy I would just say you are going home for a short while to take stock. Don't be stuck in Canada because if the courts get a hold of you they will make you stay till the children are grown up and what does that do to your life.
I at my time of life would be selfish looking back and say get back home if he loves you and the children he will follow you.
Unhappy_In_BC, I'm so glad to hear that things worked out for you. When I read your earlier posts, it definitely struck me that your husband loved you very much and was only afraid of returning to the UK because he thought he might lose you. Now that he sees that's not the case, he must be feeling much better.
I love a story with a happy ending
May 12th 2010, 5:53 pm
#43
Forum Regular
Joined: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto
Posts: 167
Re: Want to go home, husband doesn't
I am glad that things worked out for you. Its nice to hear that things ended happy and you are finally back home.
May 12th 2010, 6:21 pm
#44
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,610
Re: Want to go home, husband doesn't
Just to let those who know my history. We are putting the house back on the market next week. We are going to make quite a loss but no use thinking about that got to get moving. Now I have to de-clutter. Just when I had brought everything down from the attic.
May 13th 2010, 2:59 pm
#45
Just Joined
Joined: May 2010
Location: tenerife
Posts: 1
Re: Want to go home, husband doesn't
I've been a regular reader, and poster, on BE over the last few years but I've posted under a new username here for anonimity (sp?) - I hope no one minds, but I know a few people in "real life" who post on this site and don't want them to know of the turmoil I'm going through at the moment.
Here's my story:
We moved to BC, Canada in 2007. We researched the move for over 2 years, and my husband is Canadian so even though it was my idea and he took some convincing, that's the reason we came to Canada. I first had the idea because I was tired of the life we had in the UK - he worked a stressful job, (high blood pressure which went down when he was off work) lots of travelling, and it seemed he was never around for me and the children. So the plan was to move to Canada, clear our debts (of which there were many
), be mortgage free and he would work a non-stressful 9-5 job.
The reality: The first 6 months were bliss. Hubby had secured a well paid job and bought house before we moved over, we all settled in well, had lots of visitors etc and life was great. Then things started to change, hubby was staying out late at night, either 'working late' or socialising with colleagues. I was feeling very isolated at home with 3 young children, one of them a baby, and would sometimes go the whole day without speaking to another adult. And I really tried my hardest to make friends, and get to know people. I initiated playdates, get togethers etc, and really tried to immerse myself in what was going on in the community.
Then this January my hubby was made redundant, part of me was relieved but also I was worried financially. I applied for, and got, a great job and started full time which I really wish I'd done sooner rather than trying to make it as a stay at home mom and getting more and more isolated. Eventually hubby got a job 4 months later, so now we're both working full time and paying a fortune in daycare. Between us we earn almost as much as he used to earn, and then have to pay daycare on top of that. So financially it's really not adding up. And on top of that we still have a pile of debt.
The 'dream' is so far removed from what is now the reality that I'm ready to pack up and go home. Problem is my husband wants to stay. I just want to go home to my sister (who I'm very close to) and my friends, and he doesn't have that same 'tie' to the UK. Looking back I've struggled to make it work here, but I never considered going back because I felt I'd made my bed and had to lie in it. But when hubby lost his job and we thought we might have to move back because he couldn't find another, it's sowed the seed and now I can't get the idea out of my head.
Things are at rock bottom between my husband and I and we're swinging between separating and sticking it out. I'm at the stage where I feel like if we don't move back to the UK then we'll have to seperate. And I'll stay here in Canada just for the sake of the children, but would be desperate to return to the UK. He did suggest I go and take the children and I can't believe he said that. How could he give them up like that? I would NEVER say that to him, so part of me says if that's how much they mean to him, I may as well.
Sorry for the rambling, and if you got this far thank you for reading. I guess my problem is he's always been moody and difficult ( I always blamed his job, now I know that's just who he is) but in the UK I had my support system and could brush it off.
What would you do?
Thanks for listening
Here's my story:
We moved to BC, Canada in 2007. We researched the move for over 2 years, and my husband is Canadian so even though it was my idea and he took some convincing, that's the reason we came to Canada. I first had the idea because I was tired of the life we had in the UK - he worked a stressful job, (high blood pressure which went down when he was off work) lots of travelling, and it seemed he was never around for me and the children. So the plan was to move to Canada, clear our debts (of which there were many
), be mortgage free and he would work a non-stressful 9-5 job.The reality: The first 6 months were bliss. Hubby had secured a well paid job and bought house before we moved over, we all settled in well, had lots of visitors etc and life was great. Then things started to change, hubby was staying out late at night, either 'working late' or socialising with colleagues. I was feeling very isolated at home with 3 young children, one of them a baby, and would sometimes go the whole day without speaking to another adult. And I really tried my hardest to make friends, and get to know people. I initiated playdates, get togethers etc, and really tried to immerse myself in what was going on in the community.
Then this January my hubby was made redundant, part of me was relieved but also I was worried financially. I applied for, and got, a great job and started full time which I really wish I'd done sooner rather than trying to make it as a stay at home mom and getting more and more isolated. Eventually hubby got a job 4 months later, so now we're both working full time and paying a fortune in daycare. Between us we earn almost as much as he used to earn, and then have to pay daycare on top of that. So financially it's really not adding up. And on top of that we still have a pile of debt.
The 'dream' is so far removed from what is now the reality that I'm ready to pack up and go home. Problem is my husband wants to stay. I just want to go home to my sister (who I'm very close to) and my friends, and he doesn't have that same 'tie' to the UK. Looking back I've struggled to make it work here, but I never considered going back because I felt I'd made my bed and had to lie in it. But when hubby lost his job and we thought we might have to move back because he couldn't find another, it's sowed the seed and now I can't get the idea out of my head.
Things are at rock bottom between my husband and I and we're swinging between separating and sticking it out. I'm at the stage where I feel like if we don't move back to the UK then we'll have to seperate. And I'll stay here in Canada just for the sake of the children, but would be desperate to return to the UK. He did suggest I go and take the children and I can't believe he said that. How could he give them up like that? I would NEVER say that to him, so part of me says if that's how much they mean to him, I may as well.
Sorry for the rambling, and if you got this far thank you for reading. I guess my problem is he's always been moody and difficult ( I always blamed his job, now I know that's just who he is) but in the UK I had my support system and could brush it off.
What would you do?
Thanks for listening
If I find a solution i will let you know, I wish you luck X