roaringmouse

Does time go backwards in New Zealand or something? 2 years ago you were organising your move and had lived in Auckland for 20 years.

I know some people say NZ is like Britain in the past, but what I didn't realise is it continues to go back in time I'm not sure if I see the relevancy in the question. Neither of you have died, so it's quite a different situation to find yourself in, isn't it?

roaringmouse

If the question is very relevant to you, and for 18 years the answer has been to return "home", then why haven't you already returned? That was kind of my point in questioning the relevancy.

It seems for the OP the answer to the question is leading them to move back to the UK (presuming it happens this time). For someone else the answer for 18 years has been to return if their partner died, but it hasn't resulted them in returning at any time before now.

So I don't get the point of using the answer to the question what would you do if your partner died in order to make a decision on moving now while both are still alive. If you really felt like you couldn't live alone where you migrated together in the first place, then why did you migrate? Was it the dream of other person and you tagged along or something?

roaringmouse

It's got nothing to do with if anyone agrees with me or not, although I'm not sure what you actually mean by that.

I said I didn't understand the relevancy, and asked a question in regards to that - as well as follow up questions. My posts are to do with working out why the question is relevant, not any kind of argument like you seem to be suggesting.

No one so far has said why it is relevant, and there has been one poster that has given a scenario for which he finds it harder to understand. He also flipped the question around that resonated with my lack of understanding.

Perhaps you could answer the question I asked you to help me understand from your point of view why the question is relevant? The question I asked to you was if the question is very relevant to you, and for 18 years the answer has been to return "home", then why haven't you already returned?

Sally Redux

Well personally, I only socialize with my husband and kids, although one has already left for uni (and N1cky when she comes to LA for work ). So life is bearable with him around, sweet FA for me here otherwise.

roaringmouse

Is the reason you only socialise with your family because you don't really want to be there in the first place? (scared about becoming settled or something) Follow up question, if you only socialise with husband & kids now, if your husband died and you returned to the UK, why would the socialising widen from how it is now?

People tend to socialise in much the same way wherever they live unless they're unsettled.

Sally Redux

I am still in touch with friends in the UK and I know I fit in better there.

It's not really that complicated.

roaringmouse

Which leads to the other follow up question - why not move back now? It seems you're not settled, so I guess the answer will be to do with your husband - maybe either he's from the US (I don't know if he is or isn't) and doesn't want to live in the UK, or an employment reason.

NiHao

roaringmouse,

Without meaning to be rude you do seem a little lacking in imagination. There are a multitude of reasons why people who would like to move back to their country of origin don't or don't for many years.

Job
Lack of finances
Children settled in school
Grown up children settled in the "new" country
Grandchildren in the "new" country
Partner who wants to remain in the "new" country
Ill health
Feeling too old to make another huge move
Depression
Fear of making another mistake.
On and on and on.

Personally I find it irritating and completely lacking in empathy when posters ask the question "why don't you just leave then?" when someone is clearly struggling with hurdles that make it difficult for them to leave. Just because someone can't instantly move home doesn't mean they shouldn't be able to talk about wanting to go home. The discussions we have on BE about this can be the first steps in someone putting together a workable plan to go home or realizing that they don't want to go home after all or (as is so often the case) allows them to give vent to their feelings of homesickness to others who can relate, something which in itself can be very helpful and therapeutic.

Its really wonderful if you are happy in the country you have moved to but perhaps it would be helpful to not keep banging on in a thread you can not relate to?

roaringmouse

Or on the other hand it may be helpful to others regarding the questions I ask. And that's exactly the kind of response that my questions should receive - they give the chance to talk through why they want to return, or why they want to stay for now, or as the original question to the OP was - why they would return if their partner died. Indeed - and another reason why I'm asking such questions.

roaringmouse

Moved, yet directly related to the topic being discussed.

Sally Redux

We are moving back this year, but the question of what happens if one partner dies, and also infirmity, does concentrate the mind I think. Perfectly reasonable thread topic.

Sally Redux

Especially as roaringmouse's other speciality is endless posts about how Britain is in the toilet economically.

old.sparkles

The only thing is though is that the majority of those reasons still exist if you are on your own - and some of them would be magnified by the loss of a partner. If you can overcome those issues if one of you has died, surely you can overcome them as a couple

chris955

Yes he is onto a real winner with that argument

TheEmperorIsNaked

Tbh I think we are all (inclusive) daft to contribute to this hair splitting nonsense.

.............................it is compelling though isn't it?