Reluctantly returning to UK....:(

Old Nov 3rd 2007, 12:14 am
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Default Re: Reluctantly returning to UK....:(

Originally Posted by YankeemovingAbroad
I have no doubt the UK is a wonderful place to call home.Britain is a well respected country!
Think I probably should have quoted nwtrucker & not you! Sorry!
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Old Nov 3rd 2007, 12:26 am
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Default Re: Reluctantly returning to UK....:(

Hey Racheal , man i didn't see this till today ... oh babe its sad news . not read whole thread but i will ,

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Old Nov 3rd 2007, 12:33 am
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Default Re: Reluctantly returning to UK....:(

Bloody hell mate , you must give it longer ... i'll pm you .
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Old Nov 3rd 2007, 7:04 pm
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Default Re: Reluctantly returning to UK....:(

Two months?

Not long enough. Ridiculous.

Ok, well part of me feels your OH is panicking. I know things aren't good between you... perhaps he sees the new baby as a pressure to earn more, to be stable... he's probably freaking out.
It takes at least 6 months to get good friends here... not just 'people you know' but actual friends...
And it's only after 18 months here I feel as if I'm now in the 'one of the locals' status.

Rach, my dear, there's all this pressure...but if I were you, I'd calm down and stop. Nothing is going to happen in a hurry...
It takes time to organise these things... especially if there's legal stuff to be sorted out.
And you're preggers... so this isn't going to go anywhere for a while... tell him Feb's out because you won't be able to fly or something. I'm not sure how far along you are.

All I see here is panic. Slow down and stop. Stop reacting, stop joining in with the panic... and just ignore it. He's behaving like a child and the longer you pay attention to it, the more he'll do it.

It wasn't just you who got you both here... it was a mutual decision... you both applied for that visa...

So stop freaking out and calm down. Not good for the baby anyway. You're in a vulnerable position and he needs to grow up and stop having a hissy fit.
And simply, you just need to ignore it for a while and see how that goes.

No one person is completely stable and happy all the time. We all have ups and downs - that's natural... Perhaps you need to ride his out.

As regards your marriage, get some counselling before it's too late. Please.
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Old Nov 3rd 2007, 7:06 pm
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Default Re: Reluctantly returning to UK....:(

Originally Posted by Jerseygirl
What about child support from your husband?
Very valid point.

If you do separate then he needs to contribute to child support!

You can also put in a separate claim for maintenance when you're divorced if you can't manage.
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Old Nov 4th 2007, 6:24 am
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Default Re: Reluctantly returning to UK....:(

Originally Posted by frances
I really feel for you in your situation, should you maybe try somewhere else in Oz before you decide to go back, it may be that he finds perth too Remote maybe, sorry if someone has already said this but I hven't read the other posts. We have been here a year and believe me the time flys we are in NSW and luckily so far we are all quite settled, my two children are teenagers aso we have been lucky that they have not regretted the move. Can you talk to your hubbie or does he just change the subject all the time, hope you can sort something out, we have friends in Perth and they seem to be happy, have you made many friends there, I know it is never the same as your good old buddies you have known for years but it does help, what does your hubbie miss the most? Frances
Does sound like emotional blackmail to me, marriage has to be give and take on both sides. Sorry not had chance to read all posts but what about councilling

Please keep your chin up, thinking of you
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Old Nov 4th 2007, 7:42 pm
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Default Re: Reluctantly returning to UK....:(

Originally Posted by sophjam
hi lynn where abouts in durham do you live.We move to cairns in january and live in belmont.
Have P.M'd you
Lynne
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Old Nov 4th 2007, 8:08 pm
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Default Re: Reluctantly returning to UK....:(

Originally Posted by OzzieNurse
Well Hubby decided today he hates Oz after just two months and want's to go back to the UK. I have no choice in the matter as we have a nearly 4 year old son....all the hard work, struggles and stress getting here are now all for nothing.

I don't want to go back I want to give it year and then return. I have no choice. If he stays he will resent me and be unhappy and if I go back home I will feel the same.

Not a good situation...and not for our son either...he loves it here too. I got him in a great school and he has made friends. I feel so empty. All I have done today is cry.

At least we all still have our health so not so bad. Not looking forward to moving back...
Hi,

So sorry things are working out too well for you at the moment. Not sure if anyone has suggested this but why don't you try somewhere else in Australia? It's a big place.

We've been here about 10 weeks now (although I am starting to lose count) and it's been a rollercoaster ride.

I think you need more time. Sit down and remind him of all the reasons you came here in the first place. And if there is still no changing his mind you have to think about yourself. Will you be happy if you go back to the UK? If not, then are you are equally going to resent him?

I'm not in your position and don't know how you feel but think you need to fight this one.

Seriously, good luck whatever you end up doing.
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Old Nov 5th 2007, 9:29 am
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Default Re: Reluctantly returning to UK....:(

Originally Posted by TiddlyPom
Two months?

Not long enough. Ridiculous.

.
I dont think you can say 2mnths isnt long enough. If you are desperately unhappy, 2 mnths can seem like 2yrs just as time flies when you're having fun. And when you are that low, you will do anything, I mean anything to get out of that situation. For him, he has decided its moving to the UK. He may be right - he may me wrong. None of us, not even him can be 100% sure. But unless you are the homesick one, its really hard to understand how akin to depression can be.

FWIW, Ozzienurse. Firstly, Im really sorry to hear of your desperate situation. Your head must have a constant spin.
Hes staying til the new year. Great. That means he'll either start to enjoy it because he knows hes going home, or start to enjoy it because he can see positives in being there. At least that buys you time and allows you to think about whats best for you and your children.

Would he agree to this.....
He goes home for 3mnths. you stay in Oz and for those 3mnths. he has to be very objective about the UK and honestly say if its worth giving up the Oz dream for. He may miss you so much, he comes back with a new attitude or his rose tinted uk specs have gone. In those 3mnths you do the same. If you ever became a single parent, would you be best placed in UK or Oz? Can you manage there alone or are you missing him so much, you get the flight back? Then, when you have both had time out and felt the waters see if a comprimise can be met then. If not, then at least you havent given up the life youve created right away. It sounds like space (but not a split right now) will do you both good, and you are both where you want to be to do that thinking.

I really hope you and the little one look after yourselves

take care

chrissy
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Old Nov 5th 2007, 12:15 pm
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Default Re: Reluctantly returning to UK....:(

Originally Posted by chance to be
I dont think you can say 2mnths isnt long enough.

Yes, I can - and I did.

Two months isn't even long enough to get furniture for your rental, get your stuff off the ship, set up your home, make a few friends, get to know the area, get to know the locals....
The first couple of months passes in a whirl of organisational stuff for most of us, dealing also on top of that of trauma of missing people, family, friends, routine of work, home life in the UK, comforting smells of your stuff, your house, your pet...
Then on top of that, you either let those losses get to you or you take it on the chin, set your mind to positive and try and do something good for yourself.


Some maybe can't do that, and they need to look at why, esp given that most battle for years for a visa to come here in the first place.
Did they give that process two months and then say 'right, it's not for me, let's stop cos it's too much like hard work'?

The work doesn't stop just because you've got a visa. You don't stop one life in the UK and just pick up where you left off. It takes time, effort and realism mostly to re-establish a good life for yourself.

You think I haven't had hard moments of feeling that desperate tug of loneliness or heartache from being away from people? You think I haven't felt really lonely and alone because I haven't got any good female friends I can crack a bottle of wine with or pop round for a coffee to?
Of course I have! I've been here 18 months and I'm getting on my feet with a job now my kids are in school. I've now got marriage trauma's to add to that. I could be a single parent soon ... or I could not be.
Stress city.

This is not easy. It's not easy. It's an uphill ****ing battle and if you want to win it, you need to put the work in.

Two months is not enough to make this decision when you have all the above to cope with in the first place.

There, I said it again.

Last edited by TiddlyPom; Nov 5th 2007 at 12:18 pm.
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Old Nov 5th 2007, 12:50 pm
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Default Re: Reluctantly returning to UK....:(

Originally Posted by OzzieNurse
Well Hubby decided today he hates Oz after just two months and want's to go back to the UK. I have no choice in the matter as we have a nearly 4 year old son....all the hard work, struggles and stress getting here are now all for nothing.

I don't want to go back I want to give it year and then return. I have no choice. If he stays he will resent me and be unhappy and if I go back home I will feel the same.

Not a good situation...and not for our son either...he loves it here too. I got him in a great school and he has made friends. I feel so empty. All I have done today is cry.

At least we all still have our health so not so bad. Not looking forward to moving back...
fwiw i don't think he is being fair on you and your son
is he open to discuss this at all?
he needs to realise that he is wrong to force his will in this manner, he is going to damage everything he should care about as a husband and father if he continues... that's my view though

it might help to get him to talk to someone impartial
i think he owes you that at a mimimum
a marriage doesn't come without some compromise
talking this through thoroughly and understanding each other's point of view should be fundamental to your next step
understand what this means to him and get him to do likewise for you

i wish you all the best, C
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Old Nov 5th 2007, 9:13 pm
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Default Re: Reluctantly returning to UK....:(

Originally Posted by TiddlyPom
Yes, I can - and I did.


This is not easy. It's not easy. It's an uphill ****ing battle and if you want to win it, you need to put the work in.

Two months is not enough to make this decision when you have all the above to cope with in the first place.

There, I said it again.
BUt we are all different. You sound a really strong person and also you want it to work. Some people compare the 2 places, know right away which they prefer and go back quicker for damage limitation. Thats not weakness or giving up. Thats making a choice. But we dont walk in his shoes so dont know if his reasons are rational or not.

But they are in a partnership, and I do think time apart to separately assess countries separately as well as their future would help. He shouldnt expect her on the same flight. She needs time to make peace with her decision whatever that might be, and him too
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Old Nov 5th 2007, 10:37 pm
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Default Re: Reluctantly returning to UK....:(

Originally Posted by TiddlyPom
Yes, I can - and I did.

Two months isn't even long enough to get furniture for your rental, get your stuff off the ship, set up your home, make a few friends, get to know the area, get to know the locals....
The first couple of months passes in a whirl of organisational stuff for most of us, dealing also on top of that of trauma of missing people, family, friends, routine of work, home life in the UK, comforting smells of your stuff, your house, your pet...
Then on top of that, you either let those losses get to you or you take it on the chin, set your mind to positive and try and do something good for yourself.


Some maybe can't do that, and they need to look at why, esp given that most battle for years for a visa to come here in the first place.
Did they give that process two months and then say 'right, it's not for me, let's stop cos it's too much like hard work'?

The work doesn't stop just because you've got a visa. You don't stop one life in the UK and just pick up where you left off. It takes time, effort and realism mostly to re-establish a good life for yourself.

You think I haven't had hard moments of feeling that desperate tug of loneliness or heartache from being away from people? You think I haven't felt really lonely and alone because I haven't got any good female friends I can crack a bottle of wine with or pop round for a coffee to?
Of course I have! I've been here 18 months and I'm getting on my feet with a job now my kids are in school. I've now got marriage trauma's to add to that. I could be a single parent soon ... or I could not be.
Stress city.

This is not easy. It's not easy. It's an uphill ****ing battle and if you want to win it, you need to put the work in.

Two months is not enough to make this decision when you have all the above to cope with in the first place.

There, I said it again.
I have to say that I agree with Chrissy - sometimes 2 months IS long enough - not always but sometimes - it was certainly long enough for me - I dragged it out for 2 years in the end but I knew from that very first week Perth was never gonna be for me!

Also just wanted to say sorry to read about your marriage traumas - hope it all sorts itself out soon
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Old Nov 5th 2007, 11:36 pm
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Default Re: Reluctantly returning to UK....:(

Originally Posted by pommybird
I have to say that I agree with Chrissy - sometimes 2 months IS long enough - not always but sometimes - it was certainly long enough for me - I dragged it out for 2 years in the end but I knew from that very first week Perth was never gonna be for me!

Also just wanted to say sorry to read about your marriage traumas - hope it all sorts itself out soon
Thanks... BUT you gave it more time. Most people here say to give it a year... and that's when you're really clear ... I totally agree with that.


I don't see how 2 months can be enough at all. I think that's rubbish. Comparing one new life here with an established life you had back in the UK is like comparing apples with oranges!

If it's a case of 'I can't live without my mum' then fine... why the fluck move to Aus then and not just go try it out in Spain then?

Am I a strong person? I'm only as strong as I choose to be. This is a choice.

Some people will be forever 'stuck' because they won't let themselves step out of their comfort zone and make that comittment to working it out. That is an issue within them.

I could lay down and give in right now... I choose not to. That is a choice.

In the same way, the OP's other half could choose to not give in too.

I personally thought he was made of sterner stuff than this. I hope he proves me right.
I didn't think he was the sort to just give in and lie down... especially not when he's 50% of a new life on this planet...


C'mon... choose!
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Old Nov 5th 2007, 11:39 pm
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Default Re: Reluctantly returning to UK....:(

Originally Posted by chance to be
BUt we are all different. You sound a really strong person and also you want it to work.
No, I have three children I bought out here. I am responsible to them. They are depending on me behaving like an adult and choosing (there's that word again) the best possible outcome for myself and for them.

Sometimes we have to all step up to the plate, stop making excuses and make a choice to behave like an adult instead of letting our own selfish reasons get in the way.
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