Reluctantly returning to UK....:(

Old Nov 12th 2007, 10:53 am
  #136  
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Default Re: Reluctantly returning to UK....:(

Originally Posted by MaggieM
Hi Trudi!

We came out here nearly three years ago because my daughter had spent a year travelling round Oz in 2000 and came back saying that she was going to come back to live in Melbourne. We applied for our visa asap because we knew that OH needed to be here before he turned 45. We knew that when we came we would have to stay for the two years to get citizenship so that we could sponsor my daughter. Meanwhile, my son, her brother, applied for New Zealand because he couldn't take the heat in Oz. While we're all merrily going through the visa hell, and rollercoaster ride of getting here, daughter meets a boy, (man), falls in love, gets married, discovers she's pregnant (two days before she gets her TRA results!!!!!) and now doesn't know if she'll ever come out here to live! Fortunately, the TRA result is valid until she turns 45 so she has plenty of time to make up her mind.

That's kids for you!! As I previously said, we make decisions that are the best we can at the time, but we can't factor every little if and/or but into them.

Meanwhile, son, daughter in law, grandson and granddaughter have been in NZ for over a year and are loving it! Husband, seven year old son and I are in Brisbane and loving it. We wait patiently to see what will happen in the future, but having come to the other side of the world so that we would be close to daughter/sister rather than spend a fortune visiting her if she was in Oz and we were in UK, we are now spending $$$$$$$$$$ visiting her in UK!

What can you do? The one thing I'd say is that I brought my elder two up to get out in the world and make a life they loved. That's what they're doing. I'm very proud of them. Secretly, I'd love them to live around the corner from me, but it's not what I brought them up to do. And, I hope that my young son is as adventurous as his brother and sister have been so far, and that I can weep quietly, while pasting a big grin on my face when he tells me what his life plan is!! (Hoping it's not the immigration rollercoaster though!!)

Sorry for long post, hope you haven't fallen asleep!!

All the very best to you,

Maggie
Thanks Maggie thats why we have children not to look after us when we are old but to live their lives to the full. You sound like you are a good mum Im 38 and hoping this isnt my mid life crisis! xx Trudi
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Old Nov 13th 2007, 8:38 am
  #137  
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Default Re: Reluctantly returning to UK....:(

Originally Posted by OzzieNurse
The main reasons he gives for wanting to return are the fact he pays so much just for the privilage of working, including tax on earnings, licences to work, cards, courses etc. He feels the state taxes are too high with GST and the current price of food due to the alleged drought...ridiculous when no one here in WA seems to use grey water or recycled water or water saving measures, retics going all over the place and most of it being wasted in the road and pavements, basically he is angry they dont use wind power, solar power etc here to save resources when they have the elements to use.
Aside from the financial angle which only you and yours know about, it sounds like he is just making excuses with the other stuff. Try telling the farmers in central QLD and NSW the drought is alleged. Just because he is in a state with no water problems doesn't mean it's not happening elsewhere. At present and for the foreseeable future, water on the west coast of Aus is of little use to farms thousands of miles away.

Look after yourself and that baby and your other children. He needs to think long and hard about what he's doing to the rest of you. I'm just guessing but it sounds like he will be blaming you for the whole move and that cannot happen. As Tiddly said, no one handcuffed him and forced him to sign papers and move over.
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Old Nov 13th 2007, 8:58 am
  #138  
 
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Default Re: Reluctantly returning to UK....:(

Originally Posted by MaggieM
Hi Trudi!

We came out here nearly three years ago because my daughter had spent a year travelling round Oz in 2000 and came back saying that she was going to come back to live in Melbourne. We applied for our visa asap because we knew that OH needed to be here before he turned 45. We knew that when we came we would have to stay for the two years to get citizenship so that we could sponsor my daughter. Meanwhile, my son, her brother, applied for New Zealand because he couldn't take the heat in Oz. While we're all merrily going through the visa hell, and rollercoaster ride of getting here, daughter meets a boy, (man), falls in love, gets married, discovers she's pregnant (two days before she gets her TRA results!!!!!) and now doesn't know if she'll ever come out here to live! Fortunately, the TRA result is valid until she turns 45 so she has plenty of time to make up her mind.

That's kids for you!! As I previously said, we make decisions that are the best we can at the time, but we can't factor every little if and/or but into them.

Meanwhile, son, daughter in law, grandson and granddaughter have been in NZ for over a year and are loving it! Husband, seven year old son and I are in Brisbane and loving it. We wait patiently to see what will happen in the future, but having come to the other side of the world so that we would be close to daughter/sister rather than spend a fortune visiting her if she was in Oz and we were in UK, we are now spending $$$$$$$$$$ visiting her in UK!

What can you do? The one thing I'd say is that I brought my elder two up to get out in the world and make a life they loved. That's what they're doing. I'm very proud of them. Secretly, I'd love them to live around the corner from me, but it's not what I brought them up to do. And, I hope that my young son is as adventurous as his brother and sister have been so far, and that I can weep quietly, while pasting a big grin on my face when he tells me what his life plan is!! (Hoping it's not the immigration rollercoaster though!!)

Sorry for long post, hope you haven't fallen asleep!!

All the very best to you,

Maggie

What an inspirational post.......great encouraging read


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Old Nov 13th 2007, 2:54 pm
  #139  
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Default Re: Reluctantly returning to UK....:(

Just read this thread, Ozzienurse, I hope so much that everything works out for you, Im sure you already have given much thought to the pros and cons of a descision made either way.

Your trying to do the best for your family thats clear, and to be commended.
I don't know the background of your situation but it comes across as perhaps more than meets the eye from what the other posters have written. No-one except you can decide what to do. Would you husband make the same sacrifice as you are about to if the shoe was on the other foot?

Whatever you decide, my thoughts are with you, stay strong and try and get input from people you trust x
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Old Nov 14th 2007, 6:47 am
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Default Re: Reluctantly returning to UK....:(

Originally Posted by LouiseD
Every family is different Mike but I would advise anyone think very carefully about uprooting teenagers against their wishes. I only say this because we dragged our 17 year old daughter to Melbourne and if I could have foreseen the heartache and emotional destruction it caused her, there is no way I would have put her through it.

Back home now, I will forever live with the guilt of making that decision to drag her away from everything she knew and loved at such a vulnerable age and for not listening to her and valuing her opinions. The consequences of what we did are irreversable although things are improving now.

Good luck - hope it all works out well for you all
We seem to meet a lot more families coming over here with older children than ever before...most of them come over on whatever visa they can get as most of these families are "older" (parents) the children are older as well and to tell you the truth I have been a little bit shocked by some of the parents attitude "we wanted to come...they could of stayed at home with their granparents etc"...this said by a parent of a 15 year old!! and something similiar with another family the youth being 16!!! who would really want to live with grandparents as a teenager they find their parents dinosaurs? (not calling any grandparents out there, mine love their grandparents)..so a they have come over...they have a lot of trouble settling in and really resent the fact they really had no choice in the matter...one couple said their 16 year kept threatening to get on the plane back home...they thought it was funny as they use to say....he could'nt afford it...so please make the decision for all the family and involve everyone and take onboard what your family members say...we have done this with our sons and they still want to head back home to the U.K if one of them did not we would not go until he was old enough to stay here....it is a hard time for youngsters at that age...let alone migrating to new countries.......I am not "geting on anyones case..honestly..each to their own" is my motto but these last few years we have seen unhappy teenagers living somewhere they don't want to be and finding it very hard to cope...some come out and love it.....and Perth is the only City in West Aus....by most people's standards...Mandurah and all the other "cities" are like "towns" (and small ones at that).....lovely places, but not "Cities" as we know in Europe. I really hope all goes well with any one who is migrating, we have had a good time while living in Aus.
The very best of wishes
Jackie
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Old Nov 14th 2007, 12:36 pm
  #141  
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Default Re: Reluctantly returning to UK....:(

Originally Posted by brits1
..one couple said their 16 year kept threatening to get on the plane back home...they thought it was funny as they use to say....he could'nt afford it...
Having had a child saying much the same thing and us 'laughing' about it, I can assure you it's not because we found it funny, it's because it was the only way we could deal with a crap moment in time.

With respect (and I actually mean that) yes, older children should be involved, it's a huge decision that affects the whole family, BUT they are children and as such are the most selfish beings on the planet. They (generally speaking) have no concept of how other people may suffer from their actions or words and have little idea of life outside of their 'box'. The whole world revolves around them. We (hubby and I) as adults and as parents knew a great deal more about how our daughter would deal with the move in the long term (that period of time that lasts longer than a week) and as such had to, as near as damnit, ignore her feelings. This made us feel like crap but we have, on this occasion been proved right.

Had we accepted our daughter's decision, and not moved because she didn't want to, we would have missed out on a great experience and more than likely would have subconsciously held it against her.

Didn't mean to go on like that, but your post itched an itch I didn't know needed itching.
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Old Nov 14th 2007, 9:16 pm
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Default Re: Reluctantly returning to UK....:(

It is a difficult situation with teens (having moved to melbourne with a 16 year old).
I would say it depends on the teen and their personality in the u.k, coz thats (hopefully), how they will (eventully be in aus).
Our 16 year old tried every trick in the book to make us stay in scotland . Yes she misses her friends and old life and no she wouldn't go back she has settled better than me teens who'd ave em
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Old Nov 14th 2007, 9:40 pm
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Default Re: Reluctantly returning to UK....:(

Originally Posted by Margaret3
It is a difficult situation with teens (having moved to melbourne with a 16 year old).
I would say it depends on the teen and their personality in the u.k, coz thats (hopefully), how they will (eventully be in aus).
Our 16 year old tried every trick in the book to make us stay in scotland . Yes she misses her friends and old life and no she wouldn't go back she has settled better than me teens who'd ave em
How are you settling though Mags? I often think about you and how you are doing.
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Old Nov 16th 2007, 1:06 pm
  #144  
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Default Re: Reluctantly returning to UK....:(

Originally Posted by moneypen20
Having had a child saying much the same thing and us 'laughing' about it, I can assure you it's not because we found it funny, it's because it was the only way we could deal with a crap moment in time.

With respect (and I actually mean that) yes, older children should be involved, it's a huge decision that affects the whole family, BUT they are children and as such are the most selfish beings on the planet. They (generally speaking) have no concept of how other people may suffer from their actions or words and have little idea of life outside of their 'box'. The whole world revolves around them. We (hubby and I) as adults and as parents knew a great deal more about how our daughter would deal with the move in the long term (that period of time that lasts longer than a week) and as such had to, as near as damnit, ignore her feelings. This made us feel like crap but we have, on this occasion been proved right.

Had we accepted our daughter's decision, and not moved because she didn't want to, we would have missed out on a great experience and more than likely would have subconsciously held it against her.

Didn't mean to go on like that, but your post itched an itch I didn't know needed itching.
I totally agree that sometimes an older head is wiser - teenagers often don't have the knowledge that only comes with years and yes they can be the most selfish of little beggers when they want to be.

But I reckon in my experience (and I can only speak for myself) that we didn't fully consider if our daughter would be able to handle the move. We were at fault for being blinded by our dream. Not hers. Ours. We should have really known our daughter and realised that she couldn't cope with such an upheaval. We should have realised that it would be too traumatic for her. We didn't and I still feel guilty and ashamed that in our particular circumstance, we were the selfish ones to sell her home and drag her away from everything and everyone she knew and loved.

Of course every child and every family are different and there are absolutly no rules about ages that kids will or won't settle. Every parent knows their own child best and the only advice I would offer to anyone thinking of emigrating with an older teenager is to really do some serious thinking about how your child will cope. Please don't be like us and just assume they will adapt.
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Old Nov 16th 2007, 2:57 pm
  #145  
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Default Re: Reluctantly returning to UK....:(

Originally Posted by LouiseD
I totally agree that sometimes an older head is wiser - teenagers often don't have the knowledge that only comes with years and yes they can be the most selfish of little beggers when they want to be.

But I reckon in my experience (and I can only speak for myself) that we didn't fully consider if our daughter would be able to handle the move. We were at fault for being blinded by our dream. Not hers. Ours. We should have really known our daughter and realised that she couldn't cope with such an upheaval. We should have realised that it would be too traumatic for her. We didn't and I still feel guilty and ashamed that in our particular circumstance, we were the selfish ones to sell her home and drag her away from everything and everyone she knew and loved.

Of course every child and every family are different and there are absolutly no rules about ages that kids will or won't settle. Every parent knows their own child best and the only advice I would offer to anyone thinking of emigrating with an older teenager is to really do some serious thinking about how your child will cope. Please don't be like us and just assume they will adapt.
Louise you shouldn't be so hard on yourself, the mere fact that you say you feel guilty and ashamed shows what a loving, caring mother you are!

You have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about - I'm sure you felt you were doing the right thing for your daughter at the time, hindsight is all well and good but we do what we feel is right at the time.

I hope you all have a lovely family Christmas now you are back where you belong, and the New Year will be the prefect time to put it all behind you and look forward!
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Old Nov 18th 2007, 7:55 pm
  #146  
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Default Re: Reluctantly returning to UK....:(

Hi Rachel,

Have followed your journey and know before you went you were having troubles with him. I was suprised that he went with you in the first place. I'm not suprised he wants to come back as he sounds quite unreliable.

It does worry me that you think everything will be ok if you come back to UK though.... The troubles wont go away and to be honest i think you will be making a big mistake.. It dosnt matter where you are in the world when your having marraige troubles. You need to sort them out first then address the issue of moving back to UK. but to be honest again, i think you should stay as he owes it to you too. why should you crumble and say 'yes sir' whenever he makes a decision about his life???

Just a thought?

All the best with everything you decide.. S-j xx
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Old Nov 19th 2007, 5:32 pm
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Default Re: Reluctantly returning to UK....:(

Two months is never long enough to know.

Some people may think they know after 2 months (I was one), and some of those people may end up hating the place, thus seeming to confirm, with hindsight, that they were correct. Some other will end up liking the place (like me), thus disconfirming what they originally thought. So it is a falacy to say that one knows just because of how it happened to turn out.

Your husband is being selfish, and putting his present feelings before your family's longer term needs. His feelings are OK. His demands are not.
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Old Nov 19th 2007, 8:39 pm
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Default Re: Reluctantly returning to UK....:(

Originally Posted by s-jmelbournewannabe
Hi Rachel,

Have followed your journey and know before you went you were having troubles with him. I was suprised that he went with you in the first place. I'm not suprised he wants to come back as he sounds quite unreliable.

It does worry me that you think everything will be ok if you come back to UK though.... The troubles wont go away and to be honest i think you will be making a big mistake.. It dosnt matter where you are in the world when your having marraige troubles. You need to sort them out first then address the issue of moving back to UK. but to be honest again, i think you should stay as he owes it to you too. why should you crumble and say 'yes sir' whenever he makes a decision about his life???

Just a thought?

All the best with everything you decide.. S-j xx
Has anyone considered the chance that the husband might actually be right?

As I remember this story he did some adding up before they went and worked out that it may not be right for his family.
Then he decided to give it a try, just in case he may be proved wrong.
Now he may have been proved right and the best thing for his family is to go back.
Australia is alright, its not special enough to break your family up over.
Come back, take advantage of all the things europe has to offer and stop being so selfish.

Kev
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Old Nov 19th 2007, 8:57 pm
  #149  
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Default Re: Reluctantly returning to UK....:(

Originally Posted by kevinl
Has anyone considered the chance that the husband might actually be right?

As I remember this story he did some adding up before they went and worked out that it may not be right for his family.
Then he decided to give it a try, just in case he may be proved wrong.
Now he may have been proved right and the best thing for his family is to go back.
Australia is alright, its not special enough to break your family up over.
Come back, take advantage of all the things europe has to offer and stop being so selfish.

Kev

He may well be right, but he really hasn't given it a chance has he. It's tough for the first 6 months, but it does get easier for a lot of people. He's not even willing to try.

If we all gave up at the first hurdle no-one would ever get anywhere.
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Old Nov 19th 2007, 10:40 pm
  #150  
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Default Re: Reluctantly returning to UK....:(

i have stayed here for 2 years after i told my wife i wanted to return to UK. she is aussie though and now we have had a baby so I have to respect her wanting to be around her family.
But regardless of this before hand i gave her some time to come to terms with me wanting to go back and so she could at least decide for how long she wanted to try uk.

your hubby should give you some time to adjust to the situ ... and in that time maybe you can plan ahead.

2 months is bugger all time although i am sure perth is A LOT quieter than sydney
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