Homesickness. What is it?
 

As I've mentioned in previous posts, I left Hastings, England in September 2001 to marry my wife who was born and raised in Grand Rapids, MI. She is a fantastic woman and my love and admiration for her as a wife and mother continue to grow, she is the love of my life. Since then we have had two children and our life is genuinely fantastic, I would not change anything. I have a good job, am well respected in my area, family has good health and are able to travel extensively. However, upon reflection, there were a few things that as a 21 year old leaving Britain, I did not consider. One of those is how much I would yearn for my homeland! There I said it. As uncomfortable as it is to say, it is a feeling that has intensified over the years, not abated as some might think. My wife is aware of my feelings and can sympathize, but only to some degree, since she has never been in my shoes. With this feeling comes guilt, guilt that I want to be somewhere else when everything, literally everything I could possibly want is here in front of me. With that said, we still do the obligatory trip home every other year and I thrive on that. I have very little left in England, a very small family and so not much in the way of ties. One of the main reasons we stay here in GR is to care for my wife's aged parents and so I'm careful to not foster any resentment towards them, it was my choice to move after all. But with time comes reflection. Nostalgia tends to become a bit emotional for me and so I try to separate this from the facts, but it remains the same, I would rather be in the UK. The reasons are many and varied. Familiarity, probably the most obvious. I also long for the feeling of belonging, sense of community, ability to travel to familiar places, etc. But in a sense, these are just feelings. Nothing tangible. So what is this feeling called is it homesickness? I've read that Swiss mercenaries were banned from singing songs from their homeland so as not to evoke memories and thereby render them useless (perhaps I should stop reading these message boards). But this feeling must be more than a wistful reminiscing of your homeland and/or past memories be it at the behest of sight, sounds or smells? Although I have not openly shared these thoughts, people I have mentioned it to tend to believe that time will heal what ails me or that I should just feel fortunate that I live in the states? If anything, time has exacerbated my feelings and the country I live in now is irrelevant. So again, I ask, what is homesickness?

Re: Homesickness. What is it?
 

Homesickness: is the distress or impairment caused by an actual or anticipated separation from home. Its cognitive hallmark is preoccupying thoughts of home and attachment objects.

...... or maybe the fascination and excitement of living in the States has just worn off.

Re: Homesickness. What is it?
 

There is a pendulum set up at Griffith Park Observatory which, in some way I can't remember the details of, demonstrates how our perceptions are tied to the revolution of the Earth, and that we would be severely disorientated on another planet. I think something along those lines is involved in separation from our home country.

Re: Homesickness. What is it?
 

I felt this as described by the OP. My home, my wife, my daughter are in the United States. When I decided to get a pied a terre in the UK, I deliberately chose a place I'd never lived, in fact virtually never even visited, Norfolk. So I have no family in Norfolk, no childhood memories etc. But I feel comfortable and at home in my new flat in Norfolk while I still feel bored and deracinated in my home of eighteen years in New York State.

Re: Homesickness. What is it?
 

I discern that many people experience this feeling to some extent in different ways, and perhaps it manifests itself according to the type of person we are, our sentimentality or general disposition or maybe even where we are (I have traveled extensively before and after my move to Michigan without much trouble). I could understand my own situation much better if life were dire, but on the contrary it is quite splendid! What puzzles me too is that even in this age of instant communication, export/import of food, familiar TV programs and need I say 'the internet', I wonder how one could long for something? I've been told not to make comparisons, but in my mind, very subtlety I still do. Here is a example, when first looking at street-view, in the US, the pictures appeared pix-elated, fuzzy, hard to make out. A few years later when the UK came on line, the pictures were sharp, definitive and clear. In my mind I made the instant, irrational conclusion that this was indicative of the difference between the two countries. Can you say over-analyze? But that is the inner workings of a home sick mind. Or at least mine.

Re: Homesickness. What is it?
 

I think it's imprinting. Like ducklings imprinting on their mothers. In my case, I felt very attached to the Lake District. I think this attachment formed as that area was where I first felt a sense of freedom and independence, hiking there as a young man.

It was one of the main reasons I moved back to England. It is still a very nice place, but I have been surprised that it doesn't seem as important to me now as I assumed it would be before moving back. The Lake District hasn't changed, so it must be me that has changed, in the 14 years I was away in Canada.

So what is homesickness? Dangerous! You have a family and life where you are. That is a precious thing and real. Memories can be selective and unreliable. Even if you don't act on them, they can distract you from the people that really matter.

Re: Homesickness. What is it?
 

Expensive.:lol:

Re: Homesickness. What is it?
 

I do agree. I think homesickness is (or at least starts out as) culture shock... a broad category that includes a myriad of tiny shocks like time differences, weather differences, differences in the new surroundings & the new people's mannerisms, language, customs, etc....

Some people get over homesickness and acclimate just fine, some never do. Some say it comes & goes, depending on many factors. I do believe it can make some people ill--and I have experienced that to some degree. So I think it's got to be taken seriously.

Hastonian, is your wife at all interested in someday moving to the UK? (Many people who marry Brits are Anglophiles to some extent.) My feeling is she can't empathize--as opposed to sympathise, which she can do--because she's never tried doing what you've done, moving to away from her home country.

Would she ever agree to "trying out" life in the UK once her family commitments are finished? If so, can you wait that long?

Re: Homesickness. What is it?
 

Homesickness is something that will not go away it might get pushed to the back of your memory for a while but it comes right back. it like a virus that wont go away. Some people the lucky ones manage to fight it off and get on with life never looking back content with their new life but many dont they make the best of it but are never really settled. Its so many things its not quite feeling the same as everyone else, its language, food, History, family its a feeling deep inside of you that just ties a knot in your stomach and an ache in your heart.

Re: Homesickness. What is it?
 

I forgot the last one Regret.

Re: Homesickness. What is it?
 

The killer.

Perhaps that one isn't so bad for those who've come by marriage.

Re: Homesickness. What is it?
 

WEblue, she is not adverse to moving and has nothing against the UK in particular. She has spent a lot of time over there and remarks to me that it feels like 'second home'. The only thing that stops us from going is our family commitment as aforementioned. I do think we will move at some point, but in the meantime I wrestle with this inner angst! It all sounds bizarre when I read it back to myself.

Re: Homesickness. What is it?
 

Calarypete, sir, you have probably just given me the best verbal slap around the face that I have ever heard in regards to this topic! What you said has single-handedly reassured me that I have all I could wish for right here, whether GR, UK or anywhere else. My family IS real and precious and yes, my memories are unreliable and selective. Thank you for your broad perspective that has made a profound effect on my way of thinking now. I'm not usually one to subscribe to thearpy, but this may have done the trick! I dont know you or anything about your circumstances, but what you said really resonated with me and will stick with me for a long time to come. Again, thank you sir!

Re: Homesickness. What is it?
 

A thought provoking post CalgaryPete.

I have been away for eleven years and not been back in the past six. That is not through choice. It is financial.

Homesickness is something I live with. It will catch me out first thing of a morning when I wake to where I am now. I have to shake that feeling off and stretch my eyes outward and forward for the new day.

It's no longer about family as there is none now . It is my feeling of belonging . My sense of who I am , where I am.

Perhaps I would also find myself changed if I returned and that which I thought was a deep part of me , is no longer. I wonder if that would leave me bereft or at peace.

My only way to somehow find that out is to consider an extended stay some time down the track .

Re: Homesickness. What is it?
 

Amen sister!

Re: Homesickness. What is it?
 

Oh my goodness, yes.

I don't know if you have read 'Brick Lane', about a Bangladeshi woman struggling to come to terms with London. There is a line about being in a state where the days are a dream and real life comes at night.

Re: Homesickness. What is it?
 

For me it's the desire for familiarity

Re: Homesickness. What is it?
 

Just got back from a 2 week trip home yesterday. I've only been out in the States 2 years, but I've always been positive about living here, never really suffered from home sickness. But this time, wow. I think my new 5 month old daughter has added a lot to the mix. I feel a massive amount of guilt at taking her away from my mum and sister who totally dote after her. Seeing my grandad for what will almost certainly be the last time the way his health is. Also realizing how much I miss my friends after spending some quality time with them whilst I was back. For the first time since I moved over, I could cery easily move back. I'm hoping this feeling soon passes as it sucks!

Re: Homesickness. What is it?
 

Everything gets more complicated with kids I'm afraid.

Re: Homesickness. What is it?
 

You really are not kidding!

Re: Homesickness. What is it?
 

I think Rupert Brooke (who by the way, I am related to) said it best; 'If I should die, think only this of me: That there's some corner of a foreign field That is forever England. There shall be In that rich earth a richer dust concealed; A dust whom England bore, shaped, made aware, Gave, once, her flowers to love, her ways to roam, A body of England's, breathing English air, Washed by the rivers, blest by suns of home'. This really epitomizes my thoughts at least in regards to what is physically England. I know Mr. Brooke was a well traveled man, who actually himself died on foreign soil. Perhaps that's what is so frightening for me? Home will always be home after all. But he also seems to indicate by this quote that we take our home with us and internalize it wherever we are. Human nature called is it?

Re: Homesickness. What is it?
 

Re: Homesickness. What is it?
 

I was going to write something, but then I read this.
I wouldn't of said it any better! :goodpost:

Re: Homesickness. What is it?
 

Rosie Lee....and it gets worse as you get older because life becomes so much more complicated. No matter how many British shows I watch it doesn't help in fact it just renforces just how much I am missing. My niece went to London a couple of weeks ago she visited the theatre, museums and Hampton Court and loved it all.she just popped on the train and was in London within a couple of hours.... It made me so envious.....those things which we took for granted when we were younger are now out of reach....

Re: Homesickness. What is it?
 

This is what I would like, but it's funny how unfamiliar my hometown now feels for me when I'm there. I've only been away 9 years but sometimes it feels like forever. It's a strange thing this homesickness... when I'm here I wish I was home in Canada. When I'm there I can't wait to get back to Australia. It's almost like there's no home anymore.

Re: Homesickness. What is it?
 

Dorothy....I think once you make the move its never the same again especially if you have children. You are split in two forever more......"There is no place like home, but we're exactly is home:("

Re: Homesickness. What is it?
 

That's true. My kids (now young adults) are firmly settled here and it would be impossible for me to leave them. I know lots of people do it, but for me the thought of being 1/2 a world away from them is too much to bear.

Re: Homesickness. What is it?
 

I still have waves of homesickness... Nothing as bad as last year where without being over dramatic I felt like my heart was breaking I was so desperate to go home.

I still wish we had never come because now I know that Canada is better in most areas of our lives but I still miss our friends and family and my home so so much. I suspect now I will always feel this way.😢

Re: Homesickness. What is it?
 

Hitting the phase where friends' kids are getting married now, and *doh* theirs will be easily accessible.

It feels vere homely here though, even though it's not my original home area.

Re: Homesickness. What is it?
 

Hi, My wife and kids are ready to move to UK after having been in Saudi for 14 years. Kids were born here. While life is good here the homesickness has set in. In my case, I was born in Dubai so I used to think of Dubai as home but now after several visits there in last 14 years it does not seem that way. We are ready to go back to UK since both mine and my wife's extended families are there. Some people do feel reverse cultural shock when they return after several years and start missing the place they had just left.

Re: Homesickness. What is it?
 

Tony Robbins once had a couple in his event in Vegas. The man wanted to return to his home state where he had lived as a young man while the wife was against the idea. Tony helped the man realise that the place he is yearning to go back is not going make him feel how he did when he was there as a young man since he himself had changed.

So the reasons have to be clear and solid and not just based on feelings and nostalgia. In my case I know I cannot live in Saudi for ever and if I have to make a life in UK, after having benefited from being here, then it should be sooner than later. There are things I want to do which I cannot do here.

Re: Homesickness. What is it?
 

For most people homesickness is a normal feeling when living in another country. For some it is a stronger feeling than others. I left England some years ago to live here in Japan with my Japanese wife and two daughters. It has been a challenge. Fortunately, Japan is a comfortable, safe society to live in. Things work here. But, despite trips back to England now and then, the feeling of homesickness remains. In many ways it is a longing for the past, which in many ways does not exist. So, I believe Nostalgia would be a better description. Even people living in England have nostalgia.

Re: Homesickness. What is it?
 

I have just joined the site today, I found it by sitting in the wee small hours in desperation of homesickness and just typed in the word and found this. I so identify with what you are saying ..... I have married an American and although it is beautiful and sunny and such a lovely place I am living, my heart is aching and feels torn out every time I see an English programme or see a Facebook post with a familiar wood. I don't know what to do ... my grandchildren are small but now growing up in England and I feel I am just watching the clock here and not living and just wanting to be home again. My husband says we can retire there, but that might not be for a few years ... do I go back now, he says it is OK, and be without him, or do I stay here and cry inside ??? I feel quite desperate actually .

Re: Homesickness. What is it?
 

Well it sounds like you have the option to at least spend extended periods of time there...best of both worlds for now?

Re: Homesickness. What is it?
 

Myself and my husband have been living in Italy for 9 years, and get by doing some teaching and pet sitting. For the past 2 years I have wanted to go back to Uk, just a gut feeling, there is my sister there, and 2 really good friends. I have been back and forth these past few months, and got some job agency work. I came back to Italy 3 weeks ago, and I am returning to Uk on Friday hopefully to get a temp job. My husband did not want to return to Uk, but he has since changed his mind. For me homesickness has grown, and i know Uk, is not great, but it is the roots, and familiarity calling me back, + my family. I know its a challenge to start again, getting jobs, a rental etc., but I feel its right for us at the moment to return. Not to say we wont get the old wander lust again, but life is too short to dilly about. I dont regret living in Italy, not trying it at all would be a regret. Its a challenge moving back in your 50s, but bring it on.

Re: Homesickness. What is it?
 

I agree with you Trotty. We came for a year (we thought) on a medical exchange program. Wish we had not had that spirit of adventure 43 years ago....

Re: Homesickness. What is it?
 

Celticspirit....we me it was not so much the adventure it was not thinking it though....I know it's pointless say saying "what if" but I did keep a diary prior to moving to the U.S. I have been trying to understand why I made the decision to move and from what I wrote at the time I was not happy a family member was causing me a great deal of problems but I also realize that having had a hysterectomy in the May and moving to the U.S. In August was a really bad idea.....all I can say is you need to give yourself time to understand the changes that are going to take place and if you are living on a shoestring know that going home will not be an option. The Embassy from the country you are moving to should give you information on every aspect of life in the country you are moving to. Nowadays you can research on the internet so that helps....but that feeling of loss never goes away. And losing family and friends is strange because you never saw them age so you find it hard to come to terms with. They are always that young person you left behind.
I always envy those I meet who have made the transition and are very happy and would never think of going home....they mostly think the UK is so different they would never settle.
A last thought on homesickness if you are married to a person who is from the country you are living in they will never understand how you feel.

Re: Homesickness. What is it?
 

Oh, I don't think that's so. I've read many, many stories of international couples where the spouse who didn't move is very supportive and understanding of the migrant spouse.

If you mean they can't completely empathize because they themselves didn't make the move......then I agree that may be impossible.

But I think it's pretty much down to the person as to whether or not they understand what the migrant is going through. Some don't care at all. But IMO that kind of person wouldn't make a very good spouse, period.

Re: Homesickness. What is it?
 

Rebbacajo...yes I think they can feel empathy towards you but not truly understand how you really feel and I think many choose to ignore it not because they don't care but if they agree with you then they might have to do something about it....