40 days and we're going back, help required!
Dec 8th 2008, 4:45 am
#91
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Mar 2007
Location: Brisbane
Posts: 835
Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
"I guess that's the difference between me and you - i think if you were to ask my kids who they'd prefer, the mum who puts them first or the one that is thinking about their own retirement, i think they'd pick me"
No matter what you decide to do please, for your kids sake don't ever bring up this in a conversation with them. The worst thing my parents ever did was to play one another of against each other. Your kids could be torn between you both and having to decide between a parent is so unfair on them. Sit down with them and try to have an open conversation to see how they really feel. Yes it will be bloody hard and you may have to bite your tongue if you don't agree with something they say. They could just be picking up on how you feel and want to please you by saying they want to go home, on the other hand they could genuinely want to go. I hope it all works out for you when you get back but please remember that no matter what you feel your husband is still their dad. Yes he may choose to stay in OZ and although bitching and sniping at him may make you feel better in the short term, in the long run it will just affect the kids you are trying to protect. Yes you are angry, upset, scared, confused and hurting right now but you also have 2 kids who are feeling exactly the same and they should have a chance to speak as well.
No matter what you decide to do please, for your kids sake don't ever bring up this in a conversation with them. The worst thing my parents ever did was to play one another of against each other. Your kids could be torn between you both and having to decide between a parent is so unfair on them. Sit down with them and try to have an open conversation to see how they really feel. Yes it will be bloody hard and you may have to bite your tongue if you don't agree with something they say. They could just be picking up on how you feel and want to please you by saying they want to go home, on the other hand they could genuinely want to go. I hope it all works out for you when you get back but please remember that no matter what you feel your husband is still their dad. Yes he may choose to stay in OZ and although bitching and sniping at him may make you feel better in the short term, in the long run it will just affect the kids you are trying to protect. Yes you are angry, upset, scared, confused and hurting right now but you also have 2 kids who are feeling exactly the same and they should have a chance to speak as well.
Dec 8th 2008, 5:06 am
#92
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Jan 2006
Location: San Francisco
Posts: 12,865
Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
IIf the wife were the only one unhappy then, yes, probably I would suggest that she suck it up but here you have 75% of the family who arent happy - see the difference (and dont blame the OP for being the driving force behind it, her kids may well hate the change as do many kdis of that age).
Name calling isn't justified; criticizing her actions is fair enough, imo.
Dec 8th 2008, 9:17 am
#93
Sloopy Frickenbutt
Joined: May 2006
Location: Its good ere Honest........
Posts: 5,225
Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
It's pretty unusual to know definitively after just forty days whether or not one's expectations will be met.
Had you of read OPs post properly.. you would of read that they had been there for 12 wks and leaving in 40 days....And her reasons for leaving are personal and buggar all to do with anyone else...She was asking for help onher return and nothing more
So you would also presumably expect a wife to support a husband then? And that that support would extend to giving a venture that they jointly undertook a fair shot?
Had you of read OPs post properly.. you would of read that they had been there for 12 wks and leaving in 40 days....And her reasons for leaving are personal and buggar all to do with anyone else...She was asking for help onher return and nothing more
So you would also presumably expect a wife to support a husband then? And that that support would extend to giving a venture that they jointly undertook a fair shot?
and was hoping for the same support from him on returning??? Who knows...but that is all irrelevent, again nothing to do with the OPs cry for help.Anyway the OP seems to of gone now and frankly i dont blame her.....Its not always easy coming on a public forum and asking for help, to a bunch of strangers.
Dec 8th 2008, 11:01 am
#94
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Sep 2007
Location: Canberra
Posts: 8,378
Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
Spot on, sans!
I hope the OP realizes that she does have support here even though some folk seem somewhat judgemental about what constitutes an appropriate time frame before you are allowed to say you cant stand Australia.
I hope the OP realizes that she does have support here even though some folk seem somewhat judgemental about what constitutes an appropriate time frame before you are allowed to say you cant stand Australia.
Dec 8th 2008, 11:21 am
#95
Sloopy Frickenbutt
Joined: May 2006
Location: Its good ere Honest........
Posts: 5,225
Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
Quoll i dont normally get on my high horse
But sometimes i think some people just go too far, when they are thrusting their own opinions down unasked for throats Errrr
I dont think any of us take the discission to return easily whether its after 12 wks or 12 yrs........And to do it on your own with kids "WOW" i can only imagine what OP is going through emotionally.
Dec 8th 2008, 2:50 pm
#96
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Jan 2006
Location: San Francisco
Posts: 12,865
Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
I don't blame her either. I doubt we'll ever know the true motivation for her initial posting; after all, the information about benefits she was looking for was easily obtainable on the Internet.
Dec 29th 2008, 4:30 pm
#97
Forum Regular
Joined: Sep 2008
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 113
Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
Hi Mary
So sorry to read about your marriage breakdown. Its one of those sad results of this harrowing experience for some.
I know you said you would only be left with a few thousand so my advice would be to use it very wisely. I am presuming you will have nowhere to live, so first off I would use some of it to secure yourself a rental property. If your kids are still dependant, check up on the housing benefit website how much money you would be entitled to each month towards the cost of your rent. It all depends on how many dependant kids you have. When you know the figure look for places that fall inside this amount so that when you do claim your rent will be covered.
Anything else you have left i would use to buy furniture, a car, and any of the other basics you need to restart your life back in the UK.
I very much doubt that you would need to do a habitual residency test after only 12 weeks, but BristolUK is the person to tell you. Even if you do have to, it is not that big a deal. I had to do it earlier this year. it is a 3 page form asking basic information and why you have come back. Just go in there and tell them the truth.
Best of luck with it all. It wont be an easy time, but if you are sure you need to do this then so be it.
So sorry to read about your marriage breakdown. Its one of those sad results of this harrowing experience for some.
I know you said you would only be left with a few thousand so my advice would be to use it very wisely. I am presuming you will have nowhere to live, so first off I would use some of it to secure yourself a rental property. If your kids are still dependant, check up on the housing benefit website how much money you would be entitled to each month towards the cost of your rent. It all depends on how many dependant kids you have. When you know the figure look for places that fall inside this amount so that when you do claim your rent will be covered.
Anything else you have left i would use to buy furniture, a car, and any of the other basics you need to restart your life back in the UK.
I very much doubt that you would need to do a habitual residency test after only 12 weeks, but BristolUK is the person to tell you. Even if you do have to, it is not that big a deal. I had to do it earlier this year. it is a 3 page form asking basic information and why you have come back. Just go in there and tell them the truth.
Best of luck with it all. It wont be an easy time, but if you are sure you need to do this then so be it.
I've been away 20 years....no good in me taking it I guess?
Dec 29th 2008, 6:02 pm
#98
Oscar nominated
Joined: Jan 2008
Location: Moncton, NB, CANADA
Posts: 50,830
Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
Habitual Residence Test
To qualify for most benefits in the UK, one had to be habitually or normally resident in the UK. The HRT was introduced in the 1990s in response to "Benefit Tourism", whereby mainly other Europeans exercised their rights of residing/working anywhere in the EU, including the UK, but funded their stays by claiming benefits in the UK while not employed.
EU legislation saying all citizens of Europe had to be treated equally within the EU meant that the HRT was applied to everyone having recently arrived in the UK...Brits returning were not exempt as that would have discriminated against other EU citizens.
It was controversial and many, if not most, of those refused benefits as "not habitually resident in the UK" were actually Brits who had returned to live in the UK. That was not the expectation behind the legislation to begin with.
Various changes were made, new guidance issued, new rulings applied (or not, as the case may be) but residency is still looked at for benefit claims. It's not residence according to immigration rules or anything like that, just 'normal' residency; somewhere to live, means of support wherever one is living etc.
It should be easier for Brits to satisfy the rules than before, but they still need to satisfy the rules. The problem is that people are either in ignorance of the rule or think it will be a formality.
Turn up at the benefits office a couple of days after getting into the country, with no accommodation arranged, no job arranged and no obvious means of funding, maybe spouse/child still in the country just left, still owning or renting the home in that country, kids still at school there and any number of other possibilities suggestive there are still links with that country and not many with the UK.....well one can, maybe, imagine problems.
Stating the intention to settle back in the UK may not be that convincing without the proper presentation of a few facts or proposals to support it.
Anyone can state an intention. People have also claimed to be returning and it later turns out to have been a visit only...then it would be Benefit Tourism again.
Everything is not always what it may seem.
To qualify for most benefits in the UK, one had to be habitually or normally resident in the UK. The HRT was introduced in the 1990s in response to "Benefit Tourism", whereby mainly other Europeans exercised their rights of residing/working anywhere in the EU, including the UK, but funded their stays by claiming benefits in the UK while not employed.
EU legislation saying all citizens of Europe had to be treated equally within the EU meant that the HRT was applied to everyone having recently arrived in the UK...Brits returning were not exempt as that would have discriminated against other EU citizens.
It was controversial and many, if not most, of those refused benefits as "not habitually resident in the UK" were actually Brits who had returned to live in the UK. That was not the expectation behind the legislation to begin with.
Various changes were made, new guidance issued, new rulings applied (or not, as the case may be) but residency is still looked at for benefit claims. It's not residence according to immigration rules or anything like that, just 'normal' residency; somewhere to live, means of support wherever one is living etc.
It should be easier for Brits to satisfy the rules than before, but they still need to satisfy the rules. The problem is that people are either in ignorance of the rule or think it will be a formality.
Turn up at the benefits office a couple of days after getting into the country, with no accommodation arranged, no job arranged and no obvious means of funding, maybe spouse/child still in the country just left, still owning or renting the home in that country, kids still at school there and any number of other possibilities suggestive there are still links with that country and not many with the UK.....well one can, maybe, imagine problems.
Stating the intention to settle back in the UK may not be that convincing without the proper presentation of a few facts or proposals to support it.
Anyone can state an intention. People have also claimed to be returning and it later turns out to have been a visit only...then it would be Benefit Tourism again.
Everything is not always what it may seem.
Jan 14th 2009, 10:38 pm
#99
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Feb 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 2,594
Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
Mary -
You are hopefully settled in at your rental now and hopefully the girls are sorted back into schools and their friends.
Let us know how things are going now, please.
Thinking about you!
Catherine
You are hopefully settled in at your rental now and hopefully the girls are sorted back into schools and their friends.
Let us know how things are going now, please.
Thinking about you!
Catherine
Jan 14th 2009, 10:40 pm
#100
Forum Regular
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 182
Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
I would love to have an update as well.
Jan 14th 2009, 10:54 pm
#101
Sloopy Frickenbutt
Joined: May 2006
Location: Its good ere Honest........
Posts: 5,225
Jan 15th 2009, 5:25 am
#102
Niamh,Paul + 4 :)
Joined: Jul 2007
Location: sunshine coast, now back home in Ireland :)
Posts: 1,861
Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
I know this is old now, But I know mary and she is a lovely person, you havent a clue there is more going on and the last thing she would have needed to see was this
Mary has left BE
Mary as your profile is deleted im hoping this gets to you, please let me know how you are PM me or facebook hun, im here if you need a ear to bend and im non jugmental. Im dragging my Dh back as you know he would gladly stay.
Take care hunxxx
Last edited by Baby75; Jan 15th 2009 at 5:54 am.
Jan 17th 2009, 2:54 pm
#103
Forum Regular
Joined: Sep 2007
Location: doncaster, south yorkshire
Posts: 69
Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
Thanks for all of your messages, i really appreciate you taking the time to write.
My kids are 16 and 13, which is why i've decided to go back sooner than later. I've been in touch with my eldest daughters old school and they've said they'd love to have her in their 6th form. My younger daughter has been given her old place back in year 8. I'm hoping that they'll just slot back in with their old friends, who've continued to keep in touch with them both.
The big thing for them is not having their dad around, we've discussed it, but i don't think anything can actually prepare them when it happens. My OH wants to give it between 6 to 12 months before admitting defeat, whether we feel the same about each other if he does come back remains to be seen, only time will tell. I don't blame him for his decision, as i hope he doesn't blame me for mine, i just feel incredibly sad that it's come to this.
I've spoke to loads of people who've told me that it took ages for their kids to settle, but that once they did, they wouldn't go back, which has probably kept me here longer than 2 weeks
but, i know my kids, i know the life they had in the UK and it was a good life, small village, brilliant school, great friends........why did we leave??? I've been beating myself up for bringing us here, for setting us back 15 years financially and for splitting up my family - even if it turns out to be only 6 months - but now that i've made the decision to go back, i've stopped going over what we've lost and i've started to plan for the future.
I've got no family in the UK (one of the reasons for coming here), although i have got friends, infact, i've just found out that i've been offered the tenancy on a house in the village i use to live in after a couple of friends went to view it on my behalf. It means paying 6 months up front but at least it's a roof over our heads.
I've also been in touch with our old GP and Dentist and both of them have still got me and the kids on their register
My OH told me last night that he wants to keep more of the equity than what we'd originally agreed. Unfortunately the equity's in a bank account is his name only and i can't get my hands on it. He said that he'll pay for the flights, our 6 months rent and give me enough to live on for 6 months, but that's it. He wants to keep the rest of the equity here until he's decided what he wants to do and then if he decides to stay, he'll split it between us. I don't want to get solicitors involved because who's to say that he won't change his mind in the next few months, realise he's been a complete prat, and then want to come back to England. My problem now is, if i can't get work when i go back to the UK and end up having to claim benefit, will i be penalised for the fact that we sold the house, took the equity to Oz, but i've been unable to bring back my full share because my OH has refused to release the funds?
And i thought planning to get to Oz was a nightmare!
My kids are 16 and 13, which is why i've decided to go back sooner than later. I've been in touch with my eldest daughters old school and they've said they'd love to have her in their 6th form. My younger daughter has been given her old place back in year 8. I'm hoping that they'll just slot back in with their old friends, who've continued to keep in touch with them both.
The big thing for them is not having their dad around, we've discussed it, but i don't think anything can actually prepare them when it happens. My OH wants to give it between 6 to 12 months before admitting defeat, whether we feel the same about each other if he does come back remains to be seen, only time will tell. I don't blame him for his decision, as i hope he doesn't blame me for mine, i just feel incredibly sad that it's come to this.
I've spoke to loads of people who've told me that it took ages for their kids to settle, but that once they did, they wouldn't go back, which has probably kept me here longer than 2 weeks
but, i know my kids, i know the life they had in the UK and it was a good life, small village, brilliant school, great friends........why did we leave??? I've been beating myself up for bringing us here, for setting us back 15 years financially and for splitting up my family - even if it turns out to be only 6 months - but now that i've made the decision to go back, i've stopped going over what we've lost and i've started to plan for the future. I've got no family in the UK (one of the reasons for coming here), although i have got friends, infact, i've just found out that i've been offered the tenancy on a house in the village i use to live in after a couple of friends went to view it on my behalf. It means paying 6 months up front but at least it's a roof over our heads.
I've also been in touch with our old GP and Dentist and both of them have still got me and the kids on their register
My OH told me last night that he wants to keep more of the equity than what we'd originally agreed. Unfortunately the equity's in a bank account is his name only and i can't get my hands on it. He said that he'll pay for the flights, our 6 months rent and give me enough to live on for 6 months, but that's it. He wants to keep the rest of the equity here until he's decided what he wants to do and then if he decides to stay, he'll split it between us. I don't want to get solicitors involved because who's to say that he won't change his mind in the next few months, realise he's been a complete prat, and then want to come back to England. My problem now is, if i can't get work when i go back to the UK and end up having to claim benefit, will i be penalised for the fact that we sold the house, took the equity to Oz, but i've been unable to bring back my full share because my OH has refused to release the funds?
And i thought planning to get to Oz was a nightmare!
Jan 18th 2009, 5:01 am
#104
Banned
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 194
Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
40 days isn't enough to work anything out. Ridiculous doesn't come close to describing it. It takes years to work out a new country
Jan 18th 2009, 5:35 pm
#105
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Apr 2006
Location: Dorset
Posts: 599
Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!
Tosh...every one is different. I used to scorn those that came home quickly until it was my turn. Every persons experience is different.