MSmithy

Hello all

A couple of years ago I moved abroad and I can say it has worked out pretty well – the pay has been good and have saved a bit and I am one year into a relationship with a lady here who has a fairly prestigious job (diplomatic work). She has, however indicated that she might be sent to work abroad for a few years. She said she would like me to join her and would mean getting married (in part so I can get a spouse visa). However, one catch is that I might not be able to work in the country she is sent to (has to be a reciprocal agreement in place). She is the same age as me (40) and wants children. I want to be with her but the situation feels unsettled.

How can we try for children when she might be going away at any time and if I join her I might not be able to work (ending my lecturing career). I am a bit nervous to feel dependent on another person. In terms of finances I now have enough to buy a house back home, so I could make some rent money on that, but have no pension and so it all feels daunting. All her money is tied up in assets and so she is currently keen to help me spend (borrow) my money.

I guess the sensible thing for me to do is put my money in assets (i.e. buy a house back in England; I’m from the North so it’s possible!). However, if I join her from then on my income may purely be rent I make. She said she would share the allowance she gets from her job. Has anyone else here been a trailing spouse (?), or any thoughts or ideas would be welcome.

Cheers

Gordon Barlow

If you don't mind hearing from someone of your father's generation...

First, you should NOT marry.
Second, you should find a job of your own and on your own, and accompany your girlfriend. If you can't find a job at all, then you could look for one on some nearby island, and visit each other at weekends.

The main problem endured by unemployed trailing spouses - in the Caribbean and elsewhere - is boredom. The common solution is divorce. Be warned.

MSmithy

Thanks for the useful reply and very happy for input from your generation! Just in response to the excellent points you made:
1) I certainly have no great desire for marriage but could you perhaps elaborate a little more for the reasons why not? As an aside, in this country a local and a foreigner cannot marry in community of property, apparently, so I do not think she would take half my assets if e.g. we were to divorce.
2) Yes that is a very good idea, thanks!

In addition, it is the issue of trying for children that currently bothers me. She is 40 and so would like to try very soon. I would prefer to wait a while to see if we are really a good match long-term. So in terms of point (2) how might trying for children fit in that context? And then if we do have children then point (1) perhaps becomes more important. It's an issue and also I don't want to waste her time as she really wants kids asap. Any further thoughts are welcome! Cheers.

Gordon Barlow

Smithy. It's this wanting children (plural!) a.s.a.p. that bothers me - on your behalf, of course! You haven't made it totally clear whether she wants you to be her #1 interest in life or her (and your) prospective children to be. And perhaps she hasn't made it totally clear to you. Yet there is a huge, huge, difference. Would she want you in her life if you had a vasectomy, or if you were discovered to be sterile for some other reason? If not - and I do suspect 'not' - then how stable/permanent would your marriage be? You have every logical right to demand that you not be treated as a merely sperm-donor!

I spent six wonderful years as a house-husband and "parent of first resort" to a healthy, intelligent and charming son aged 6-11. To this day (he's now in his 40s) we have an amazingly good relationship. But I have to tell you that being a resident sperm-donor isn't as much fun as it sounds! Good luck to you.

MSmithy

Thanks for the excellent points you make. Its true and its not completely clear to me to be honest. She says she loves me and wants to spend rest of life with me but sadly I have had some doubts. I wonder how to test it, if I ask her straight out she will likely deny it. Might have to hypothetically bring up 'if I had a vasectomy' and see what the reaction is. I also think it would be good to have a child but perhaps in a more settled and loving environment. Someone suggested I offer to be a sperm donor to her but then I would still agonise that its my child and would want to see him/her if we are miles apart. Anyway thanks for your help and suggestions as it really helps.

MSmithy

Just to add to what I said above. She says she really wants me to join her as she would hate to go on another work assignment alone. However, one other thing that is bothering me is that our chemistry feels quite weak (no spark), we connect intellectually but physically I think we are on a different wavelength!