StrugglingInIreland

Hi all, I have recently moved to Ireland and I am really struggling. Apologies if this is a long post but I feel it might be. I also don't wish to offend any Irish people on here, this is just my situation. I met my boyfriend in Australia 5 years ago, he is Irish and after a while together, we decided that we would settle together in Ireland. At the time, I loved Ireland and felt this was definitely the right thing to do. I have now found that visiting this country and actually living in it are 2 very different things. We built a house over here and I moved over in December. Since then, I have found so many things over here bother me and I don't know how to get over them. Firstly, having to pay extortionate amounts of money for doctors/dentists/hospitals. After being used to the NHS all my life, it sickens me how much they pay for healthcare over here and it scares me because I know I wont go if I needed to, due to the price. Secondly, the bank charges. I NEVER got charged anything for my bank in England, apart from if I went over my overdraft. Here, you get charged every time you use your bank account, whether it is using your visa card, getting money out, writing a cheque, every month an amount of money gets taken out of my account and it makes me want to scream. And then there is how much the people are all so involved in each others lives. I don't know if it is like that all over Ireland but certainly here, I cant even blink without his whole family talking about it. I regularly get interrupted with his family coming round, they don't text or ring first, they just show up. And even worse is the fact that his dad seems to think our house and garden is his to do what he likes with, and I keep coming downstairs to find him mowing the lawn or looking at the hedge, which we have just planted. I am finding all of this so difficult, its making me so homesick, I miss the privacy and normalness of England. Does anyone else feel like this? Sorry again for the long post.

Moses2013

The thing with healthcare seems to be an ongoing discussion, but you aren't taxed on your salary for this. Of course you have to pay for the doctor, but how many times do you go? I think people get confused and forget that we're not in the UK and every country is different. Some things are more expensive here, but for that we get a larger house and don't pay council tax. In certain jobs the pay is also higher and for €150 you can get really good cover, so again hard to compare. Irish people love their family and I'm sure there are families like this in the UK too. Only solution, talk to your partner, or sell and move to a different area where they can't just pop in. If you don't like Ireland for these reasons, nobody can stop you returning back to the UK.

Moses2013

Regarding the bank, it's 2 specific banks you're probably talking about. We changed the bank and don't pay anything if you lodge a certain amount.

StrugglingInIreland

Thank you for replying. Firstly, what bank are you with? Would be good to know the banks that don't charge these fees? Just to reply to your comments, I don't go to the doctor often but even if I went 3 times a year, that's still €150, and that's a lot of money to me. Saying that, you are right, we have got a lovely house but it just hurts having to pay €50 every time u go to the doctor, its such a lot of money. Regarding family, I absolutely love my family and they love me but we also all love our privacy and would never want to intrude on each others lives, we would always check first in case the other person was busy. I have talked to my partner but he is Irish and doesn't understand at all. Unfortunately I cant just move back to the UK, this was a huge move for me and we spent time and money on our house so to leave now, wouldn't be an option. Where did u move from?

Moses2013

No problem, I'm with Permanent TSB and I think Ulster Bank, KBC also don't charge for transactions (not 100% sure but would definitely check). Sure €50 is a lot, but you pay for health wherever you live, either direct or it's taken from your salary and we can shout as much as we like. I lived in Germany for a while and before that Kent. No matter where you go you'll find something negative. It's always hard if the partner has a different opinion, but it's his family and probably just the way they are. It's still better than having a family that don't care at all. You have the nice house and want to make it work, so you've answered that question. Either you talk to the parents and say what you feel, but if you really think it will offend them just go for a walk when they come, tell them sorry but you're just in the middle of something or mow the lawn yourself before he does it:-)

jonboy

Dear StrugglingInIreland,
I really do feel for you, I can see your point regards the apparent over involvement of your partner’s family. I just feel that with all the changes, both practical and emotional you are probably feeling over-whelmed and under-supported at this time. Some families are, to the outsider, “over involved” and this can cause us to feel smothered, especially when they drop around as and when they feel like it and have no apparent idea of how long they spend sat in your front room/kitchen for. After sometime you may suspect that they have sold their own home and are just squatting at your place! They mean no harm and are just fascinated by you and your value as an exotic part of the family (you is English).

This family, you have bought into are stereotypical Irish, just as the idea of the English family being cool and aloof/stand-off-ish is also stereotypical, yet often accurate.

Dads are the best people in the world to feel at a loss when visiting the child’s nest. They feel they should do something but are not sure what it is that they should be doing. They then look to practical things that they can usefully put their hands to, such as replanting that new hedge and mowing the lawn to within an inch of its life. All this makes them feel that they are contributing to the new household and that they have a role to play in life and are not redundant. Give him lots of tea and he will be your friend long after your partner has tired of you.

Soon the family will blend into the wallpaper and you will be able to indulge in heated rows with your loved one, without even being aware that the family are present. Yes, give up the struggle you are suffering what is called “culture shock”

taragreen

I moved here with my partner 19 months ago, my family is irish though my mum was in the uk from late 60's, and she moved back here in 2000. You are just going through a pain barrier in culture shock - my partner is still getting used to the occaisonal unnanounced clustering of folk, where when some one leaves, the conversation then turns to what they are/have/haven't been up to lately lol. Plus we live in the country and far from the isolation we expected, there are always visitors. Jonboy's right - at the heart of this is love and concern for you and their son - Especially if he's the first born lol... At the end of the day, in Ireland, you do need people's help more than in the UK, where everything is internet searchable and phonable and deliverable and on time, on the day - here you need a bit more contact with human beings in order to run a house/home/daily life. Relax - and go out more, perhaps pop in on your second cousin who is a chef round about dinner time... The wheel turns xxx ;-)

StrugglingInIreland

Thank you for your replies. My boyfriend knew I was struggling and he has now bought me a puppy, bless him. This definitely cheered me up... Well it did until I found his dad in my garden again today. I know what u are all saying, and I know that I need family over here but its never the same when its not your own family. I just feel that maybe they could take a step back a bit, at least until I have got used to everything. My boyfriend is too scared to say anything to his dad though cause he thinks he will react badly and take great offence. I know this is culture shock but I didn't expect it to hit me this much.

martinw01908

I just wanted to add that the NHS is not free - its taken from your salary every month regardless of it you use it or not. Although easy to forget this. So when you have to 'fork out' for doctors etc in Ireland don't think thats another load of money gone think how much NI and tax you didn't have to pay every month now you are out of the UK.

Out of interest, did you build your house in a town/village or in the country?

booboo24

Over twenty years ago I went from Ireland to England and boy was that a shock! I was never so lonely in my whole life! Seven years ago my partner and I moved here to Slovenia not so much of a culture shock as its much more like Ireland but I did feel claustrophobic ( which I found out later is a common feeling when someone has made a major move) and like you a little resentful. I would recommend trying to get out more and make your own friends so you have someone to fall back on and have a moan to when needed. I would suggest that you either politely say something to family or try to embrace it or you could end up putting a strain on your relationship asking him to meditate, he may feel like he is caught in the middle.
I second inviting the Da in for a cup of tea, he will end up being your best friend and will love doing all them odd jobs that your partner has promised to do but never got around to doing!

StrugglingInIreland

I moved to the country Martinw01908, which is probably part of the problem because I grew up in a large town. BooBoo24, how long did it take u to settle in and stop feeling claustrophobic and resentful?

BEVS

Hi there.

Sorry to read you are suffering a culture shock. It does hit the system a bit doesn't it.

I had something a little similar when I married my husband who is from Wolverhampton.

I'm from the SWest coast , Bournemouth and had only my immediate family. No aunts ,uncles , grandparents and the like. My Mum was Irish and she ran away when she turned 21. My Dad was a ragamuffin from the rubble of war devastated London. He had family but never saw then. I didn't even get to know them a little until I was adult.

Anyway, I married my husband and his family came to the wedding. I had to hire a double decker bus

I remember thinking how lovely it was that he had all this family around him. Not just his parents. There were aunts, uncles, cousins, cousins of cousins. It just went on and on. They all went on holiday together. Parties together. Huge family gatherings. At the time I thought great, I;m going to get to be a part of all this.

Arrgghh! It did my head in as they always seemed to be in my face, even though they lived blimmin' 4 hours away. They would just turn up and expect to stay over. They were in and out of my cupboards. They made assumptions about what time they would spend with us rather than arranging. They got the hump when I would try to give myself some space.

So. I do know it is tough to adjust to this.

I'd go along with the Tea for the Dad suggestion. Odds are your FIL would simply love you to love him. My FIL was like that.

Once you make that move to welcome him on in, then you can slowly and gently set some boundaries. Do that from a position of good friendship though. A sort of share camaraderie. Not from the stance of strangers.

You'll get there and so will they. Honestly.


.......and welcome to BE.

StrugglingInIreland

Wow Bevs, it really does sound like you know how im feeling. The difference unfortunately is that I have a great relationship with my FIL, we get on really well and he always comes in for a cup of tea which is where the problem lies because he doesn't know when to leave. All these feelings lie under the surface, on top he thinks were great friends and he doesn't know there is a problem. Unfortunately, he is the sort of man that wouldn't understand my feelings so I don't really know where to turn. What did you do about your husbands family? Did u tell them to back off?

booboo24

I can remember exactly but I know it was a mixture of me working it out in my head, putting my foot down and keeping it down in certain areas and us not being such novelty!

michaleen oge

Some years' ago, my lovely sister died and I had to travel from the UK to Ireland to attend her funeral. As can be expected, all the family,both from our side and from her poor husbands', gathered and we saw her off in good style. Later that day,I met up with a mate who I hadn't seen for decades and we decided on a get-together before I went back. Just the two of us. Somehow the news got out, and the "two of us" snowballed into about 90 of us(all from the funeral). It was one of the greatest nights I have ever had,no grieving, only laughter and remembering our departed sister and friend. The bar stayed open until the last one left(early in the morning) and the 90 odd traipsed back to my younger sisters' house to continue. The memory from that night is going to stay with us all.
I know to some people the idea of perhaps distant family dropping in unannounced could be seen as an imposition, but family is still important in Ireland and personally I wouldn't have it any other way. But again, it is not everyone's cup of tea. But I do know that when I eventually return to Ireland to live(hopefully soon), I will have an open door and know my brothers and sisters(and friends) will turn up unannounced and know they will get a welcome.