backdropstudio

Hi, we've recently moved to Lagos and my 4 year old twins are going to Bambinos preschool - recommended to us as a good school. They attended 4 hours a day for the first week (apart from 2 hours on day one) and we are now on week 2 when we are going to try 6 hours a day. The boy is coping (not necessarily enjoying), just coping OK whilst my little girl HATES it! She is kicking and screaming before we leave the house even crying she's NOT GOING! Once there she physically has to be prized away from me so I can leave. I spied on the kids a couple of times last week before picking them up and although I was happy to see my boy joining in my girl just sat there with an extra thick cardigan on looking sullen (all the other children in the class had stripped down to t-shirts and shorts by then).

I know they have gone through a huge upheaval recently moving here and I know going to a Portuguese school not speaking Portuguese must be incredibly hard to start with but how long can I let this "torture" continue??

I'm sure others on the forum must have been through this. How do you know that your children will eventually settle and how long does it take? Or is it the wrong school - how long do you give it? Also any tips on how to make the painful drop offs easier for both me and them? All advice gratefully appreciated and desperately needed!

macliam

The fact that your son isn't having problems suggests there's not an intrinsic issue with the pre-school. So, is it the school, or is it your daughter? Would the experience have been any better in the UK?

I ask because my niece's daughter started pre-school in the UK in September. She doesn't have a problem with the language - in fact she's very precocious, but she was used to access to mummy all day, every day.

Then she started pre-school. On the second day, my niece had a call to say whe refused to take off her coat. Thereafter there was a battle every day to get her there and she remained uncommunicative and sullen...... for several weeks. Then, for no apparent reason, she started to join in and quickly made friends in her class. Now she looks forward to going.... What was the initial problem? Who knows. Why the sudden change? Ditto.

It's a change for her, and some people (even little people) adapt better to change than others.....

backdropstudio

Thanks for your reply Macliam. My little girl has been very happy going to preschool in the UK for the past 18 months. She's very sociable and usually makes friends in and out of school very easily. Mummy & Daddy have had to work so she certainly isn't used to having access to us all the time. Obviously moving school (wherever it is) is a big step but I thought if anyone would have a problem it would be my slightly less easy-going son so I am surprised to see it's my daughter. It really is agonising every morning at the moment - I just wish there was something I could do to make it easier for her. I hate seeing her so upset. Glad to hear your niece's daughter settled. I guess it's just a waiting game.....

macliam

Unfortunately, yes - but (of course) you can ask her why she doesn't like it - and also ask your son and the teachers..... I'm sure you do already . The problem is that any immediate reaction to the problem could make matters worse and actually reinforce her issues.

Is there any way you could get some of the children to your place? That way you could see whether she's reacting to the place, or a more general issue. It's a tough call and theory is fine, but it doesn't provide a road map.......

Good Luck

GeniB

No experience of schools here in Portugal backdropstudio... But both my daughters went to school in the Netherlands from age 6 yrs and 9 yrs. A foreign language can be very daunting to little ones. Not being understood is very hard on a child of 4 yrs old It is the age of language skills/communication. Maybe some small incident happened that made her feel unsure of herself.embarrassed. Maybe the other children laughed at her. It only take's something like that to thoroughly upset a child. who is already in a new situation
Is it not possible for you to get to know another mother with a possible friendly daughter in the same group? It would help enormously if your daughter could go in with one friendly face. It's very early in the process to feel it's a hopeless case. Kids can turn on a sixpence in how they view the world. Just remain calm,positive but firm. It's more than likely you who is suffering the most right now. You might also gently ask why she kept her cardigan on in the playground? or ask the teacher if she knew why ..That could be the key . Good luck

liveaboard

I remember a kid like that when I was a kid; also a girl, she would go into hysterics when her mother dropped her off at school.
Each time, the trauma was reinforced by the memory of the previous day's trauma.
I expect your child is having a similar experience.

The other children, seeing her distress, are likely to treat her badly. Obviously this will make it worse.

Our school designated a teacher to sit with the girl for a while, gave her a LOT of extra attention. At first she resisted, but after a week or two it worked.
I remember her jumping out of her mother's car and running inside without looking back.

However, when the mother tried to shift the child to another school, the problems started all over again; so she brought her back to us where she seemed happy.

This is a psychological problem I think, and you might need to spend some effort to get past it.
Can you stay with her at the school? Maybe even all day at first... I bet if you do the fear will recede.

macliam

The problem is, the action of staying with her could reinforce her aberrant behaviour. Child psychology is a minefield - and learning theory is just that - a theory. There are so many influences that it's easy to reinforce exactly the behaviour that you want to avoid without a carefully defined regime in place.

dmu

Hi, a distressing situation...
I'm no child psychologist, but a few thoughts spring to mind.
- Have you tried getting Daddy to drop them off at school, rather than you?
- And if they're in the same class, isn't your son inclined to help his twin sister integrate by getting her to join in games with his own new-found friends?
- Do you speak Portuguese adequately to discuss with the teacher and/or director? If not, this might be a factor to take into account (which your son has apparently overcome).
- If you've only recently moved to Lagos, you might be transmitting your own anxiety and stress to your daughter. If you're more zen, her attitude might alter? Or maybe your daughter was very attached to your family back "home" and is missing them?
There can be many other reasons, and I'd try to talk it all through with her, although a 4-year old might find it difficult to express herself, esp. to Mummy....
Hope it all sorts itself out in time....

macliam

I am a psych grad (and a Skinnerian ) - which is why I'm aware of the many potential pitfalls in attempts to ameliorate the situation. However, the idea of a change of routine (ie Daddy taking the kids to school) is worth trying - but don't make a big fuss about it .... it's not a reward!

Another possible action is to try to "shape" her behaviour by rewarding her for getting into the car, then moving the reward point to going into the school, then moving on again - but for this you need to know what you finally want to achieve and then set achievable steps towards it (this is called a regime).

The rewards don't need to be physical - but more than anything, don't display any stress or tell her off when she doesn't do what's expected ..... just no reward (punishment doesn't work, but withdrawal of reward does). The most difficult thing is not to reward those behaviours you don't want.

In fact you can also reward your son for doing "positive" things and not reward your daughter if she doesn't do them - and crucially, explain why - e.g. Jimmy can spend extra time playing because he was SO good at school today. Your daughter will quickly learn that action X gets Jimmy reward Y (although there could be some tears and tantrums along the way!) It's not easy..... my niece is a behaviour therapist for Autistic kids - and as I said earlier, had her own problems with her daughter!!

But, my advice is to give it some time - and try not to show your daughter how it's stressing you. It's only 2 weeks, so it still may clear up naturally. If not, you'll need to take further action. I don't know whether there are child/educational psychologists available in Lagos, but even if there are, they will need to be very good with a child so young.... so don't think of that as a surefire solution.

The main thing is, keep as calm as you can and focus on what you want her to do - and above all, remember that everyone is different - there are no service manuals for human beings.

Good Luck

backdropstudio

Thank you so much everyone for your replies. I love the idea of Daddy taking the twins to school and will try that for the rest of the week. I do feel my daughter's distress upsets me and in turn I then distress her even more. We'll be strong and persevere. I don't feel quite so like a panicking mother now!

DandNHill

I moved to Algeria at age9. My sister was 10. So not quite twins... My sister never looked back. Whereas I struggled. I had to learn anew language, new way of doing things and so to start with I just say at the back of the class copying down anything the teacher wrote on the blackboard. I don't have a bad memory of those days but it wasn't until we moved to France 18 months later that I started to settle in a french speaking school. From my experience bizarrely men and boys seem to take these extreme changes like emigration so much more in their stride!

backdropstudio

I posted the original message last Monday and we are now only Friday and things are so much better already! I feel a bit stupid for "over panicking" but at the time things really did seem that desperate! I stepped out of taking the kids to school leaving it to Daddy and this seemed to help a lot. Naturally we've also used bribery too i.e.: new toy at the weekend if they manage a whole week etc. Can't believe how quickly they've adapted. Very proud of them and a much happier Mummy now too. Thank you everyone for your support.

macliam

I'm glad to hear things are on the right track - and that some suggestions may have helped. It's always difficult not to worry when there's a problem with young children - but time cures a lot of things.

Once she gets over the hump, you will be amazed how quickly they will adapt - and start to pick up the language. Content yourself with the realization that you have given both your kids a huge advantage, because research shows that learning more than one language at an early age "opens the door" to learning more in the future ....

Good Luck