British Expats - Anyone out there?

Sorry Jess, I'm an Algarvian.

My advice is:

1. Go to a Cafe and order the staple diet of the expat, "Uma Tosta Mista e um Galao, se faz favor"
2. Nibble at your meal while listening for what can only be described akin to a dog howling to call the pack together... it involves phrases like, "The Agent told me it had eco-aircon, then I found out it was a hole in the roof..." and said people must be observed for only a short while before deciding whether or not you should approach with an opening gambit (see 3)
3. Opening Gambit - You should have at hand several opening questions which when approaching the 'expat' should tell you whether or not this person is amenable to sharing further parts of your life with, and whether it is worthwhile or a waste of your time.
Some examples:
If you open with an apology for disturbing their wonderful repartee about how much it cost them to fix their car when it only went in for an oil change and came out with new suspension, then they will respond safe in the knowledge that you hold them in the high esteem which they so obviously deserve...
i) "I'm sorry to disturb you, but can you recommend any restaurants as I have only been here a short while etc..." This should allow you to carry on and find out where people go to socialise.
If No2 above led you to the conclusion that this person is one to avoid, they have just given you a list of places to never visit.
ii) "Hello, I'm looking for [insert name of somewhere you know], do you know how to get there?" If they tell you, you can carry on the conversation with further questions. If they don't know but try to ask someone else or help in another way, you're in. If they say, "No, sorry," and turn back to their cup of tea and Daily Mail then be safe in the knowledge you had a lucky escape.

If when you spot the 'expat' you notice they have any label on their clothing like "Taylor Made", "Ping", or "Titlest", then for God's sake get out of there. They might be golfers.