jueinnz

Hi Mandie,
Sorry but I have to agree with Jude, he has to make up his own mind, I was "the Rick" in the situation and it caused huge problems on my part with our relationship, and I became very unhappy. I felt like my OH was choosing another country over our relationship. I resented my OH hugely, I even at one stage thought..."ok I will go along with the idea but when we get to the airport I'm not going to get on the plane he can go on his own!"
It can be a very stong feeling if he doesn't want to go.

I just wasn't at the right stage in my life, I wasn't ready.
What made me change my mind....
He came to me one day and said "I want to go and live in NZ and I want you to come with me" I knew it was something he had to do and would never be happy until he had, so here we are!!!! It has worked for us but it could have gone the other way, especially when after 3 mounths he decided he wanted to go home!!! This made me resent him hugely he had made me give up everything and now he didn't like it!!!! (how dare he!)it was me that made us stay!!! Why ??? I guess I knew deep down it was right and that it would work out!....It did and now we are happy

So please Mandie take it softly with him don't force him to make a choice too early!!! He may just make one!!! And he probably isn't telling you the extent of his objections...(I know I never did, I kept it all inside!!!)

Hope it works out

Jue

KiwiDollie

You never can tell how things are going to turn out. My husband and I were both fully committed to moving over to NZ. We sold up everything and moved over in February 06 with our 2 kids.

September 06 saw me and the kids returning home. After 24 years together, 19 years of marriage we had to see who we really were and how we fit together. Unfortunately we didn't anymore.

My husband loves the life in NZ and is still there. Me and the kids love life in the Uk and are very happily settled now.

Everyone's experiences are different and even when you're really sure of something you can never know what life has in store for you.

It is a huge deal to uproot yourself from everyone and everything you know. You have to want to do it for yourself - not your other half. I did it for me and have no regrets. I'll never have to wonder what if........

Littletoe

Hello

Well, I wouldn't say my fears of kidnapping were 'groundless' it certainly happens a lot in Mexico, but this is to families that are very rich and have life insurance policies. Our daughter's school had top security and she was never left alone, certainly Mexico is crime riddled, and by that I don't mean like NZ (!!!), I mean seriously crime riddled. Anyway enough of that. We have a load of furniture in storage in Australia and we looked at shipping costs to Mexico. Of course we initially rented on our arrival. If someone is going to arrive fresh in a country with all their furniture and buy a house straight away, that's just silly. We rented furnished with the idea that we'd relocate to a coastal location, settle, buy and ship over furniture. Even when we arrive in NZ, we'll rent first (furnished) until we feel settled and then we'll buy a house and bring furniture over. My husband knows how much money he will expect to earn in NZ and so therefore we can 'plan' to some extent our disposable income. But this isn't rocket science and I'm sure the majority of immigrants take these things into consideration.

Dirk1971

If Rick is happy where he is he should stay where he is!!!!! If he's got the fear, well then he has nothing to worry about, except the trauma involved in getting a job, adjusting to the climate and all the other shit that involves travelling to the other side of the world.

Some people just aren't cut out for migration.

Mandie

But that's the thing he moans like hell about the uk and part of him wants to move but being a worrier he's seeing everything as a negative and 'what if it doesn't work out,' 'what if the children don't like it'

He feels that if we go that's it...NO coming back, whereas i feel give it 5 or so years, so that our children have finished school and if it's not for us decide then where would be...that could be back in the UK or in OZ

I'm more flexible whereas he's a bit more 'cut and dry'

I've tried to give other options like lets buy a smaller house in UK before we move and rent it out so that we've always got a foothold in the property market in the UK to come back to if we want that...but he says he doesn't want to be a remote landlord.

Ok so he shouldn't do want he doesn't want to do, but then why should me and my children not have the opportunity to do something we want to do...and all because he's scared to move out of his comfort zone!!!

i'm in a very difficult position here as i don't want to break the family up but how will i cope with the resentment if he stops me going forward on my dream which should benefit to us all.

YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE, why not make the most of it!!!

that's my opinion anyway, like it or not that's how i feel
thanks for all your replies
Mandie

TeamEmbo

Hi Mandie
I'm with you! You do only live once and the way I see it if - sorry when - we get to NZ we are going to rent. We're selling up in the UK. We thought about renting at first so that we had a lifeline back in the UK if we needed it but didn't want the hassle of being landlords overseas. But the way we're looking at it is none of us may like it to begin with, we're reckoning on 6 - 12 months initially to get settled. We're gona rent there first and if we don't like the area or it is really really bad on the kids, then we'll can explore other parts of NZ, but once we're there, not from here as gut reaction has a lot to do with it.
Kids are so fickle anyway. I don't want to see ours worse off for sure and they are giving up so much stability here, but kids like a challenge too!!

Kids don't like going to the dentist but you don't stop taking them!! And they'll probably take their lead from you two.

Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and go for it.

I've lost count of the arguments Mark and I have had since we started on this track. It's certainly a stressfull process and what's important to one person isn't so much of a problem for another. But you do have to be flexible and try and see things from all angles.

Perhaps Rick just needs more time to think about things. I don't know how old your kids are but are they old enough to have their say? Could you call a family meeting and get everyone's views?

You are obviously a very strong lady who knows she can cope with anything and keep the kids going and make a home and live on a shoestring if needs be!! I think as a man it's harder - sumat to do with male pride, macho gene thingy - he can't come back if it doesn't work out cos then he'll have failed so best not to try at all?? And how will he cope taking care of you all in a place where he doesn't understand the rules, people, dangers, opportunities etc. He probably loves you very much and wants to keep his family safe and support you all but doesn't see how he can do that it a country he knows nothing about.
Give him some time to solve this one himself. NZ's not going anywhere. I understand you might feel resentful but the pressure isn't going to help him decide. Let him know you understand how threatened he might feel, afterall he just wants to protect you and his children.
Did he get to read any of the postings?
I wish you well and hope I haven't sounded to presumptuous or offensive.
Mandie. TeamEmbo.

mazi

Hardly! Good god, man, you'll put yourself in an early grave

Dirk1971

Basically, one of you will have to give in to the other, or your relationship will suffer ( i bet it already is) and probably end.

Who's more determined?

I do think it's ridiculous that he is scared that if you come to NZ there is no coming back. That just is not the case at all. If you don't like it you fly home. It's that simple. Flying back to the UK is not a drama.

Always make sure you have a backup plan - and that includes a plan to come home if things don't work out. For me, I had my parents to rely on for the first couple of years, thats changed. So I would now need to think about accommodation (dad dead, mum lives in a one bed flat now).

If you want it you can have it...

Mandie

Thanks for all your posts, your views are very much appreciated.

Ok so he read some of the post and really not said much after reading them...but i've just printed them out as we're off out for a meal tonight so they'll be no getting away from the topic. It going to be just me and him the girls (aged 15 and 12 for those who'd asked) are out at their friends.

Will keep you posted

take care Mandie

Bermuda Girl

Totally agree with the people saying that you only have one life, and therefore have to take opportunities when you can. I'm a great believer in the fact that you will regret the things you don't do a lot more than those you do.

However, I'm single and childless, so my attitude to live doesn't have to take others into consideration.

Would Rick be happier with the whole idea if it was less permanent? I would suggest looking at it as a two year working "holiday" in New Zealand.

Keep your house and rent it out. I've done this for the last few years, and it isn't too much of a hassle being a landlord from overseas. Get a decent agent to deal with it all. Yes, you pay them a fair amount in fees, but I've had no problems.

Keep up to date on work issues in UK so returning to a job there wouldn't be too hard. If you leave on good terms with current employers they may be willing to take you back in a couple of years.

Then, 18 months into your 2 years you will have to make the decision whether to go home, or stay in NZ. And at that point will be in a much better position to decide what is best for your family. Downside is that have to be willing to return to UK if that is what he'd prefer.

Best of luck.

helinuk

Be gentle in your 'persuading', be patient in your OH's decision.
I would agree perhaps a a recce or a holiday to NZ would be helpful.

I have wanted to leave UK ever since we returned here from Singapore 4 yrs ago . My poor hubby has put up with me going to OZ twice to visit friends and on recce trips, spending time on BE and talking about moving. He just couldn't see himself getting a job there! He used the fact that the one job he applied for he didn't get so therefore Oz wasn't meant to be! Then last summer we met a lovely Kiwi couple who suggested we move to NZ and altho I have reservations we decided to go ahead with the application. Hubby is very happy with moving to NZ. He's wanted to live there since visiting friends back in 1983!
So I'm compromising on location and telling myself that I can jump on a plane and visit my friends in OZ in a few hours.
Not ideal, and it's taken us four yrs of talking! Keep talking
As one of my friends said to me once, "your hubby has to 'own' the idea of emigrating too".
Helen

P2L

Good advice Helen.

I know that if I want to do something badly and Kev's not keen that the best approach is to drip, drip, drip like a tap!! If I go in all guns blazing, the answer will be no every time. My husband likes to believe it's his idea ( which we all know is not how it works ) and if he doesn't want to talk about it at that moment, then I shut up quick!!!

Worse than kids aren't they! At least you can bribe them with money or sweets

helinuk

Sarah how true.
and of course there's the other thing we are very good at using to get our own way

Littletoe

I know that if I want to do something badly and Kev's not keen that the best approach is to drip, drip, drip like a tap!! If I go in all guns blazing, the answer will be no every time. My husband likes to believe it's his idea ( which we all know is not how it works ) and if he doesn't want to talk about it at that moment, then I shut up quick!!!


100% there with you!!

UKNZAUS

same here too .... silly fools !!!!!!

I use both those methods - failing those 2, I stamp my feet and shout lots and THAT usually works!