dannigirl

There is always such great advice on here, thought I would see if anyone has any wise words.

Posted a few months ago after having a serious bout of homesickness - I am a kiwi and have been in UK for seven and a half years, have a British husband and a 1 year old.

Thought the feelings had gone away or at least kind of resolved in some way. It actually helped me accept some of the things I can't change about living in Britain and I was happy to plan our future in the UK.

Now 6 months down the road and am having another bout of homesickness! How do you all deal with it?

When I get in my negative slump I just find it really hard to 'get on' with British life, it just all seems so difficult and complicated. I want a better quality of life for my family, but in achieving that we leave a very large and extremely supportive extended family here (although we don't live near them at the moment).

But I dream of my homeland....I miss the land terribly!!

How do you all deal with living permanently away from where you are originally from? Was just thinking this morning, and wondered if it is because the positives genuinely outway the negatives. I swing from the UK positives outweighing NZ to feeling the total opposite (at least there is no middle ground for me!!)

I am so out of touch with NZ life....I know cost of living is very high so I get scared that we might not be able to afford to come back to the UK and visit. Having said that I haven't been home for three years due to getting married, pregnancy, maternity leave and the good old recession making it too expensive.

I know a trip home would probably help, but is not an option at the moment as I am just about to return to work from maternity leave so need to build up some leave etc.


Arrrgggh wise words please, how do you all cope? Is it because your life in NZ far outweighs what you could have in the UK. I suppose I am not sure the trade off of living in the UK (financial security/travel) is worth the quality of life we can have in NZ (but less international travel/not as financially well off).

Thanks
Dannigirl.

Genesis

Where do you wanna be? Where does your husband wanna be?? If he DOES NOT want to come to NZ full time well there's problems aye? I guess you are right about 'could I afford to return to the UK if I lived in NZ?' It is expensive and madly time consuming to travel from one to the other. You ask how do we cope living away from our homeland?? Well for some of us we actually don't want to be in the UK anymore. I have turned my back on it 100%. So its sooooooooooooo easy for me. Those that miss the UK too much return.

NZ rocks..for me..even with all the shit that prevails here. NZ for me and my family is as close to perfect life as it gets. It suits us. So have you spoken to your husband? Is he 'moveable?' Re the family and the support I understand that but you must live your life the way you need and want it.

We came here with 3 X very, very young kids and knew no one..we got on with it and we have a minimal support network even now 4.5 years on..but I like independence, I relied zero on my friends and family back in the UK..I am used to doing things on my own with my immediate family..Kate and the 3 children that is.

So could you bare to live without the UK rellies..?? How are you coping away from your rellies? I still think NZ is the best place on earth for a young family if you pick the right town and neighbourhood..THAT WORKS FOR YOU.

Example, many would rather have pins in their eyes than live in P North. It works for us..perfectly. I have never ever been soooo content..here in Palmy.

So you need to work out the pros and cons if your husband is open to discussion. as far as finance goes its fairly easy to work out your sum total of wealth and exchange it into kiwis (crap, crap, crap, crap rate at the moment I am afraid) and see how you will fare on deposits, mortgages (if you need one) projected earnings etc.

We knew we would be better off here after we worked out our UK wealth and what that meant to us living in NZ. Fortunately we got our sums right and whilst we have had one or two major, major fiscal screw ups we are still bettter off here than in the UK.

So it's'your turn. I look forward to your repost regarding your long term plans. Best of luck!!

southerner

Hi Dannigirl

NZ isn't going anywhere, so it's not like you need to decide here and now.

I did my OE in the UK and like yourself ended up marrying a Brit, and for all intents and purposes was totally integrated into UK life - SW London in our case. I totally understand all about having the whole extended family and network based there, and asking why change something that is not broken.

In the end, we did move to NZ and have built ourselves a pretty amazing life here (we've been in NZ around 6 years). We've had the odd challenge along the way, like most immigrants I'm sure. While never saying never, I'd say we'll be here for the duration.

It's your's and your hubby's choice to make, based on your own circumstances. Maybe moving the family to NZ is an itch you're going to have to scratch one of these days. But it doesn't have to be all or nothing, you can try it for a year or so, like a sabbatical perhaps.

I don't know if this helps, I hope it does. Just another view really.

It's not that uncommon to be unsettled once you've lived in more than 1 country. All the best!



ps. we moved when our eldest child was about 4. Our timing was probably based on getting kids into NZ schooling more than anything else...but it also helped having OH's family reasonably close while the kids were toddlers.

love30stm

Yes i agree with you Genesis, I think we are better off in some ways in New Zealand although I do get pissed off with the cost of things here, I don't want to go back to the Uk.

We never relied on anyone back in the Uk either, never saw family much and never had any help with the kids, they are not close to my Mum or anything so dont miss them Like I feel physically sick if you know what I mean.

i still only have one friend living in Wangas, but like you me my husband and kids enjoy our time together, I have a friend in Napier that i can see if i am feeling like shit and billy no mates from time to time which suits me fine.

and I only hope I find somewhere in New Zealand in the future that I love as much as you love Palmy, but for now Wangas is home and it feels great when the sun shining

dannigirl

Thanks all, some sound advice already. My problem at the moment is trying to work out whether this is just another bout of homesickness that will soon pass....or is it the scratch that has to be itched!!!!!

My husband is moveable, I guess we have always been open to the fact that one day we may live in New Zealand. Up until now it has been a theoretical question really....may be the time to test it out for real. Hubby is keen for a more laid back lifestyle and I think it is a real chance for us to get involved in sports/community activities that we miss out on here.

My husband and I spoke in April (during the last bout of homesickness) and were definitely up for it. There are just so many factors to take into consideration. I think we could manage being away from rellies here, well I could...hubby would find it hard, but not impossible. We both agree we have to do what is right for us as a family.

Thanks guys you are probably saving my sanity, my poor husband is going through the wringer at the moment with me ping ponging all over the place.

Dannigirl.

My gut feeling seems to be getting stronger that NZ is the place for us to be.....I think I just want to make a decision so that we can start planning for it. But to be able to make that decision it would be unfair not to allow hubby a chance to go to NZ again with a view to moving there. To me it seems a waste of money i.e the cost of the trip could just about pay for shipping.

Then if we move to NZ it means we stay longer in London, can we do manage that if there is a goal to work towards? Do we have another child here whilst I am in a stable job before moving, starting new job.

I am quite a spontaneous person and if it was up to me we would sell the flat and leave on the first plane BUT my sensible side is slowing me down to plan as much as possible so that it is an easier transition.

It worries me that the people that seem to settle the best are the ones with maybe weaker ties to the UK (hoping not to insult anyone).
Anyone out there that gets really bad homesickness but still wants to live in NZ for various reasons.

luvwelly

Would you have an immediate support network if you returned to NZ, including family and old old friends? If so then it's only an issue for your OH...you would effectively be getting back what he would be leaving behind.

Assuming it stacks up financially that is. At least you know from prior experience what the isolation is like...this is I believe a shock to many new arrivals once the honeymoon period is over. NZ generally has less annual leave for employees and yet it takes so long and costs so much (if paying out of Kiwi wages) to go elsewhere with the possible exception of Oz (but Oz is so similar).

I have been posted outside UK for the last 5 years and have enjoyed both locations - I haven't felt 'homesick' as such in either but I think this was because I always knew it wasn't for keeps.....my recent trip back to UK after 2 years in NZ was a necessity....(was getting a bit stircrazy) you can't always expect people to come and visit you although many did - if I couldn't afford a trip back every other year at least in money and in annual leave...I'd feel trapped I think.

I would love my next location to be nearer the UK (likely!) or even back in the UK since I feel I am depriving loving grandparents on both sides of family (all in UK) of meaningful access to their grandchildren.

It's a hard decsion I'm sure - if possible maybe try to have a foothold in both countries and keep it ultra-flexible. Would your OH have to jump through all the NZIS hoops...including medical...if so best do this while he is young and healthy I suppose.
Good luck whatever you both decide.

Am Loolah

Well Danni, I married a Kiwi and had 2 kids in London and then another 2 in the SW of the UK before coming over to NZ.

One sentence ...

"If Momma aint happy - aint nobody happy ...:"

dannigirl

Well said Loolah, ain't that the truth!!

Luvwelly - If we move to NZ it will probably be to Wellington - not sure have to look into that more. My family live in Dunedin and will be as supportive as possible. I have friends in Wellington...we are fairly isolated in London now, have friends but limited family so know we can cope although not ideal.
Hubby won't have too many hoops to jump through, it would be family/marriage visa which I think are a bit easier to obtain (but who knows).

Had a long chat with hubby and I guess the conclusion was that if I keep feeling this way we will start making plans for the move. Hubby is open to moving, but we both realise that it's worth making sure it is the right move for us and daughter i.e not being too spontaneous and begin planning (very unlike me!!).

Feel a bit giddy now (although that could be the bottle of prosecco we just drank). Nervous as hell, apprehensive but soooooo excited at the thought of returning home.

Am Loolah

Hi DanniGirl,

Well it all sounds pretty exciting, I would say certainly worth exploring anyway!

As I said I am married to a Kiwi and our 4 kids obtained their Citizenship By Descent and Kiwi passports before we left the UK. We do need to get them "naturalised" NZ citizens this end now to protect that for any children they may have later down the line.

I still had to go through medicals/bloods/xrays/police check etc ... and it still cost a bit and took, I think, about 6 months. But obviously once it was all done I was able to enter NZ with Permanent Residency. I will certainly apply for Citizenship when my 5 years is up.

Our kids were 14, 12, 8 and 4 when we emigrated here. Do I wish we'd done it earlier? Not really - as life is what makes you who you are and by the time we did get round to it we were financially secure and I'd become so bloody miserable in the UK that I was absolutely determined that NZ was going to be better! And it is, in so many ways.

Best of luck whatever you decide.