M_and_M

My dad is totally the opposite: his view is 'I've lived my life, now you have to live yours'

Oh, and I discovered the other day that they tried to get into Australia when I was a kid and couldn't.

Bitter? Jealous? Perhaps.

Hugs and tears don't help her really, in fact she refused to talk to me for quite a while at first.

MrsFychan

Maybe you should just tell her how it is

it's happening she can be spiteful and hurt you and yours or she can be sad about it as you are at leaving them but also help you to make things easier.
What kind of mother does she want to be??

then see what she says. maybe get your Dad to make her see sense

M_and_M

Yeah we had a conversation like that today. She started with 'I don't want you to leave on an argument but....'

Tch!

BEVS

Muvvers eh?

So what did you get her for Mothers Day then?

Your Dad knows your Mum best ( other than her own parents did that is)
Get him to sort it.

Out of interest , why couldn't they get into Oz ? I always thought the assisted passage was for everyone back then.

Mr BEVS dad could have gone to SA or Oz with the railways but his mother wouldn't consider it. In fact, she spent most of her adult life in the house her parents had...until it got knocked down a few years back.
Me Da did think of Oz but then bottled it. I can see why given his childhood. It was all about the security he felt he had. He did well to manage what he did with Bournemouth.

BEVS

OK. Go for the strangulation technique.

AndyEvs

Has anyone considered the possibility of clinical depression being an issue for parents? My MIL, having just lost her husband of 57 years is suffering exactly that. I mention it because her behaviour at the moment (not answering the phone, behaving, essentially, as if we don't exist) is very much out of character for her and very upsetting to my wife. If she was able to observe herself she would be appalled by her behaviour but right now she does not possess that insight and is being treated with a number of drugs. Long way to go before we get to a 'solution' there.
Taking yourself and your family to the other side of the world must, for many parents be very much like a death and akin to grief.
Skype is fine, phonecalls are fine but we have found that for many of our closest friends and family it is sometimes easier to not speak at all at the risk of opening up the terrible wound of loss again.

downunderpom

You're welcome

And if I can get a (very large) mortgage at 52, I'm sure a whipper-snapper like you can! House prices are overinflated, like the UK, US, Canada, and any other English speaking country. They'll go down. You want to rent for a little while first, while you find your feet. The place we lived in for the first 8 months was a sh1thole, with the landlord from hell, but we swapped that for the place we called 'The Shack', which was the house that Jack built, but owned by a lovely old boy farmer who couldn't do enough for us! Stayed there for nearly 2 years while our house was being built, to our design and specs. Been living in our dream house for the last four years, now. That might be another option for you - find a nice bit of land, have an well insulated, centrally heated house built, and get Hubbie out digging up the veggie patch!

passthevalium

Hi M and M, my goodness, your emotions must be all over the place. No matter how much emotional blackmail your mum throws at you, YOU have to decide whether YOU want to make the move. The decision is YOURS and YOURS alone. (With partner of course) I say this because moving to the other side of the world is a huge undertaking and it may or may not work out. For some it does and for some it doesn't, but living with regrets may be worse in the long run.

If it does work out for you then you'll be happy and in the end that's what any mum should really want for her children, no matter what their age. If it doesn't work out long term then hey, you've had a great life experience, and hopefully something to tell the grandkids maybe.

I've watched my only child walk away at the airport, moving his life to Australia, and it was heartbreaking, but I dealt with it, it's what we do as mums. I didn't want him to go but I never said that to him, I knew his life was moving on and that's exactly what should happen. We brought our son up to reach for the stars, so when he did, (the Southern hemisphere stars) we supported him and sent him on his way with our love because we wanted him to be happy and only HE could decide what that looked like.
As parents, our prescription for our childrens' happiness is always different to theirs. I see it as an old family recipe that has nourished and fed them and made them strong, so they are able to go out into the world and find their own recipes for themselves, in their own way. The empty place at the table is there, but hopefully it will not always remain empty, it just means that we'll probably have to set more places in the future.

Your mum is scared and hurt, because it's bloody awful saying goodbye to your child. But she really needs to allow you to make your own decision without the crap. If she won't talk to you or is making life an emotional hell then you have to tell her very firmly that YOU will decide and if she wants to keep on with the emotional blackmail, tell her you're taking a time out because it is upsetting you both. You have to insist on emotional boundaries at this time, or you will leave either with a broken heart or just angry, and that means you will be torn and not be able to give your new lives a really good 'go'. It is imperative when moving away to be able to throw yourselves into your new lives without hurt or angry energy sapping you. Because it is difficult after the "honeymoon period" in a new country to build a life from scratch. That's when you'll need your emotional reserves.

We made the move, with 2 dogs and 2 cats and very surprisingly after 4 months our son and DIL joined us in NZ and are now living with us and that was a wonderful surprise, I never saw that coming. So just leave your mum to stand on her own 2 adult feet, she will either come round when she realises you're going to do it or she'll try to make you suffer emotionally. Have no part of the latter and tell her really firmly that she can make this time for you both really happy or really crappy. The decision is hers. Yes she will be hurt and there will be grief, but don't we all have to deal with life's vicissitudes without making other people "pay". Everyone deserves the chance for exploration, and if you REALLY want to explore a new life in NZ then do it, but just be aware it can be tough making a whole new life but it can also be liberating. I personally have found my identity being challenged again and again by living as an immigrant, and I have found it liberating, scary, joyous, hurtful, amongst many other adjectives. I don't regret it, but I don't want to be here for the rest of my life either. But I am determined to get as much joy out of life as possible, no matter where I live. Life is tooooooo short for regrets. I wish you all the best with your decision, and lots of peace at this time. Your mum doesn't want to hurt you, but she is, because she's hurt. But SHE has to deal with her own hurt, you've got enough of your own at this time.


On the mortgage front, I believe that most NZ banks will only lend between 70 and 80 per cent of a property's value to new immigrants. We had to put down a 20 per cent deposit.

GOOD LUCK

passthevalium

Just wanted to say AndyEvs, I have read quite a few of your posts and I think they are bloody marvellous. It's heartwarming to read posts from someone so well rounded in their viewpoint. I see someone who really cares about the important people in their lives and I just wanted to say thanks, it warms the cockles of my heart.

luvwelly

Hi Mand M
My main concern is does your husband - who is the one being left behind to sell the house - want to move to NZ as much as you do?
Your marriage could be at risk if he isn't at least 90% as keen as you.
If you think it will be hard for him to find a job he enjoys in NZ, then it is a risk that he will fail to settle easily as most men like to be earning for self-respect reasons i.m.h.o.

NZ employers have form for enticing people over and then jobs not living up to the employee's expectations. Teaching jobs in NZ are not that well paid. So is your location a dodgy one given that you got the role from overseas even though there is high teacher unemployment in NZ?

Yes she is emotionally blackmailing you but it's because you are shattering her world and she wants you to stay in it.

Make sure you have your return airfare in the Bank so you can make a quick return if you realise at an early stage that you have made a mistake or have been led astray by the NZ employer.

Best wishes. It is always an emotionally fraught time even if everyone is on the same page.

RachelG12

My mum is similar, today asking who's idea this was is the first place (I think she is now trying to shift the blame onto my OH).
One difference is that they love travel and are already planning their 1st visit.
Mum see's this as us abandoning her, but with every experience throughout my life, is bringing the focus and attention to her when she isn't in the centre, she even did this on our wedding day and had me in floods of tiers. I love my mum, she's my mum. Will I miss her? TBC xxxx

luvwelly

This is my bugbear when people say 'there's always Skype' .....once your daily life no longer intersects with their daily life, the connection is lost.

Sally Redux

You should do your own thing, but maybe your Mum has some genuine concerns for what you are giving up? I sense some uncertainty on your part about the move.

M_and_M

I was dead certain till she unshelved me yesterday with her negitivities.

Hubby is 110% sure, me? I was but I am a born worrier. This is the most adventurous thing I have ever done by miles.

I have only ever lived in 2 places, (neither anywhere near my mother btw!)

Its a huge freaky step and her stupid ass comments aren't helping.

MrsFychan

you've done so much preparation to get where you are now, I think that shows that you want to give it a go.

No one can tell you it's going to be wonderful but then no one can tell you it's going to go horribly wrong. Only way to know is give it a go or maybe regret it.

I had never gone further than 10 miles from where I was born until I met my 2nd husband and he opened my world up to many possibilities. I wasn't sure about him coming over here on his own and leaving me to deal with the kids and house sale, but heck if we didn't do it now then we wouldn't of done it at all and for us that would of been such a loss. We've had our problems out here but then you get problems where ever you move to.

As I said previously just try and have a plan in place on what you would like to be doing in a couple of years and a back up plan just in case.