CBean

Hi everyone, Im new to this forum so want to introduce myself.

Myself & my fiance are getting married next July and he would then like to move to NZ.

Background:
I am very much a family kind of person, he is more career/money aspirated.
In 2009 we spent 9months in Wellington (Ngaio) living with his parents who moved there in 08. We liked it, but couldn't get jobs, and lived with 5 other people (inc 3 young girls) so our relationship wasn't great at that point. We moved home and my fiance went to Uni.

At the moment we are living in Geneva whilst he does his gap year at CERN, due to move back to the UK at the end of the month which we are not looking forward to at all.

My fiances parents are very well off and would like us to go and live there so we could have the same kind of lifestyle, with my fiances qualification and mine, they have estimated we would earn approx 110,000 between us. We would be living on the Kapiti Coast somewhere and would but property.

Trouble is, I want children in a few years and it makes me feel physically sick that my parents wont be around. I have a very good relationship with them, but they are not well off so wouldn't be visiting all that often.

I also have a very good friend who moved out to Aukland last year, and also have a Aunt who I am close with who lives in Chrischurch.

Anyway, thanks for reading & sorry this is a loong first post!

M_and_M

I'm not sure what you're asking here. Are you asking should you move? Only you can decide that.

I am new to New Zealand, emigrated in April this year. I had visited on holiday to North Island, but hadn't ever been to South Island. It was a total stab in the dark.

My parents are also not very wealthy. I lost my mum just weeks after I moved here, to cancer. She was diagnosed 5 days after I left the UK, but didn't tell me at the time because she didn't want to worry me.

She died before my plane back to the UK landed in London. Make no mistake, New Zealand is a LONG LONG way from home. I was on the very next flight when I got the news that her health had plummeted.

When I told her I was leaving it broke her heart. I heard from her friends the funeral last week that she was very very proud of me, and was telling all her friends that I had moved. They assured here I would still be her daughter no matter where I was. They said this made her feel better.

I asked dad last week should I return to the UK now that he was alone. He said no, I still had a life to live and neither one of them wanted to stop me from following my dreams. He is now planning to visit me in New Zealand and we are going to save up to help him do that.

She said she wouldn't call, she wouldn't use a computer, etc but she skyped me regularly. I purchased a Skype phone number that was uk based so she could still call me on the phone at no cost to her. I can divert it to call my NZ number at no cost to her.

I know its not the same but it makes the 18,000 miles seem smaller. I probably talk to dad more now than I did when I lived in the UK!

As for New Zealand. I don't think I have made a mistake at all. Dad says its the best thing I ever did! The people of my new job have been utterly fabulous, friendly supportive throughout all the stresses of moving, arriving in a new country alone, then losing mum and having to rush back to the UK. My new friends even fully furnished my rental house on loaned furniture till my container arrives.

I am on initial calculations way better off than in the UK. I am renting a bigger house than I had in the UK, and all in all my one wage covers all the bills, and it didn't for our house in the UK (which was mortgaged). There are less people, so less crowds, less crime, more relaxed lifestyle and I have a beach and a ski slope both close to where I live. I couldn't live this lifestyle when I was in the UK.

Very early days, for me I know. Read the blog. It tells the story so far warts and all.

Despite all this do regret moving here? No, not so far I don't!

Persephone

Hello Cbean
Welcome to BE
M and M has given you some good advice already. Reading between the lines, you sound like you're not that certain about moving to NZ. I could be completely way off of course! If I'm right, is it just being so far from family that bothers you or do you have other misgivings? If your fiancé is working at CERN then I'd expect him to be highly qualified so getting a visa should be less of a problem-however you'd still have to 'fit' into one of the visa categories.
Have a good look round the forum, you'll find plenty of pros and cons threads and lots of useful [or not!] information about NZ!
P

CBean

Thanks for the replies guys

I really don't know what I was asking, think it may have just been to vent my feelings.

Last time we were there we didn't have a great time, and I said I would never go back. I think most of this was homesickness due to be being bored and having no money, no job and no friends. But even if I had all of those 3 things, I still don't have the one thing that's most important... my family.

My partner despises the UK, he cant explain why so I will never understand but he has basically said from the beginning that when he starts his life, it will not be in the UK. I always said I would never go as I want to be with family. I think we kind of both thought we could change each others minds.

And he is right, what he could get for salary in the UK doesn't even compare to NZ when we think of the type of house etc we could have.

Its so hard, his family are really lovely, his mum is so kind and friendly & I love her to pieces, but shes not my mum. right? My mum will be 000,s miles away in the UK.

Arhghhh, life problems aye!

MrsFychan

if you both want different things its not going to happen unless one of you compromises and can that one person live with that. You are asking him to be away from his parents, I know it may be different for him but it is the same thing. As for housing I would say you need to look at cost of housing over here now and see costs as think you might be surprised to see what they cost now.

You may have to think that if this is to be then you need to be thinking about your own family as in children and where might the best place be for them.

You might both have to see if there is another country that you would both be happy or you might have to realise that you both want different things from life

CBean

I'm not sure we both want different things though? I am VERY confused. If I didnt have my family at home then I would be out there tomorrow no question, so that tells me that I do want it. But the fact is that my family are there.

My mum and dad had a chance to go out there when they were younger but dad wouldnt leave his family and they regret it now because they are not comfortable in the UK at all.

I know all things point to my children would be happier there, less crime, good schooling, lots of outdoorsy activities etc.

I know nobody can tell me what to do, its my own choice, but I honestly have no clue how to deal with it. I can't imagine telling my family Id be moving, the guilt would be so bad!

MrsFychan

you say your parents regretted not doing it, as did my husbands mum. Yes they were sad for us leaving and taking the grand children but she said if I had the chance to do it again she would. At the end of the day we have our own small family unit to think of and can't be living life for anyone else.

as for schooling not sure I agree on that or less crime.

M_and_M

CBean - read my first post in this thread again.

CBean

With his I am just going on what my parents in law are saying, they like in Waikanae, (which is where we will go, or at least the Kapiti Coast) and they say they dont feel scared about their children going out etc whereas they did in the UK, and the girls are happier at school there rather than in UK.

MandM - firstly, your parents sound wonderful and i'm so sorry you lost your mom so soon after getting there, it must have been awful.
I know my parents would say go, they'd be very very sad but they'd say to go anyway as they know it would be for the best, and they could always visit.
My mum though, isn't a strong person, last time I was there my sister told me she cried so much that she was missing me (kinda wish I didn't know that but i did ask her, mum doesn't know I know that). Shes recently also lost her own mum and 2 years on still isn't coping with it. I just think I would have a massive amount of guilt if I did this.

M_and_M

My mum was the same. I felt awful. My last memory of her was crying her heart out as I drove away. She was too upset to come to the airport,

But still I found out afterwards she was so pleased for me all the same and didn't want to stop me.

It's tough but I still think it was the right thing and I had promised I would come back as regularly as I could. I still will. Your life is YOURS na no one else's. you only get one, this isn't a dress rehearsal.

M_and_M

Plus I would say the crime is lower, I feel way safer and the schools seem good to me (I'm a teacher)

CBean

Great outlook on life! Its exactly the same as my partners!

I just tried to read your blog but I cant get on the site? It could be my laptop plain up?

Persephone

You do have a lot to think about, I don't envy you on this. It reads like your head is saying NZ is better for your future children and way of life but your heart is saying that you don't want to leave your family.
Your husband also doesn't want to live in the UK for whatever reason- would he be willing to compromise on the area eg would he be ok living in the North or Scotland rather than London or one of the big cities? Or can he not articulate why he doesn't want to live in the UK?
Have you considered other European countries? You'd still be close to family even if not in the same country.

One thing I would say is that if you are having real doubts about the move [and you've already lived in NZ so you know what it's like] then be very careful about giving in and coming over.
I am currently living in America, my husband was offered a two year post over here and we will return to NZ when it's finished. I had doubts about the move and to be honest did not really want to come for many different reasons.
The reason I'm writing this is that my feelings on living here have not changed but have only intensified since arrival. Don't think you'll necessarily 'get used to it' over time. Living somewhere you don't want to be means you only see the 'bad stuff', the downsides and it can be very hard to feel positive at all sometimes. It drags you down every single day.

I'm sure some people would think I'm extremely lucky to have the opportunity to live here and I can understand why they say that. I cannot work either which is a major problem for me but even if I could work here, this country is not for me and never will be. The only thing that keeps me sane is that the husband has months of holiday leave and his work is so quiet that we can go away pretty much whenever we want. It sounds idyllic, no work and lots of holidays but it's not like that at all! We'd have been better off taking 3m unpaid leave and seeing what we want to see. Incidentally he doesn't like it here either so we are at least on the same wavelength.

What I'm saying is that you need to really consider whether NZ is for you, if you decide that the distance from family is too great and you cannot reconcile that, then you need to discuss this thoroughly as a couple. It is not going to work if you cannot deal with the distance and the guilt.

Both of you need to compromise, either another European country or maybe even a short term move to NZ with the proviso that if you are not happy then you will both look at moving back. Give it a timescale of say two years.
Ultimately only the two of you can decide what is best. I just wanted to give my experience of how difficult it can be to live somewhere you do not want to be.
I know I sound all doom and gloom but don't brush how you feel under the carpet. NZ may turn out to be perfect for you both, you never know!
P

M_and_M

Message me with your email. It should work ok. Will try send you a link

CBean

Don't worry it's good to know both sides! Otherwise I'd go and maybe not be what I expect.

Your right, my head does say NZ but heart says family. Partner can't back up his opinion on UK hate apart from he doesn't like anything about it! Which annoys me.

We have discussed Europe, (we are living there at the moment) but again house prices compared to New Zealand for what you get aren't that great, plus of course the language barrier is very difficult.