Urgent Homeless Teenager help needed
#16
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Joined: Sep 2007
Location: upper hutt
Posts: 21
Re: Urgent Homeless Teenager help needed
I think many of us parents have similar stories. I have 3 grown up children, my oldest started behaving like a total dick from about 13 yrs old. By 17yrs old I had to also kick him out. But you don't want to see your child on the streets, so I told him that his only option apart from the street was to join the Army, he would have a bed, food & job. He joined & was in 7 yrs.
Another option would be for the problem kids in NZ, to do house swaps or problem swap. Sometimes when young people are in a different environment the behave better, because they are treat like an adult & away from constant banter. Good luck to you all, most kids do grow out of it & settled down.
Another option would be for the problem kids in NZ, to do house swaps or problem swap. Sometimes when young people are in a different environment the behave better, because they are treat like an adult & away from constant banter. Good luck to you all, most kids do grow out of it & settled down.
#17
Re: Urgent Homeless Teenager help needed
Why not send him back packing round NZ, this time of year he could get an abundance of holiday jobs and cheap accomodation, working on farms, vineyards or up by the touristy places, Taupo/Rotorua. Worth a thought!! Get him earning is own money...
#18
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 2,813
Re: Urgent Homeless Teenager help needed
If you do not have any full time military experience you will need to meet the following criteria to be considered:
# Be a Permanent NZ Resident AND have either:
1. Lived in New Zealand for at least 5 years OR
2. Have held citizenship of Australia, Canada, US or the UK for at least 10 years.
http://www.army.mil.nz/careers/overs...ts/default.htm
Notice the text in bold.
#19
Re: Urgent Homeless Teenager help needed
Hi everyone I realise that everyone has differing opinions on parenting and dealing with things.
It is hard to offer much advice without knowing just what has happened with your boy but i do think him coming from one side of the world to another at his age is a very dificult time for him, is his misbehaving really maybe ust a cry for help and the only way he maybe feels he will get some attention is to behave badly.....I know its a very tough call and i have been in your shoes but in reverse we took our family to the Uk for 12months about 15yrs ago and our then 15yr old son just hated the place (he was used to hunting in the bush etc etc) after 6 months we were prepared to send him back to live with friends if that was what he wanted. But he ended up pulling out of school and got himslf an under the table job as he wasnt old enough to work, in fact he was so desperate NOT to go to school he cycled rain hail and snow 12miles each way 5 days a week for very little money but this was his way of dealing with it.
Is your son still at school? If so he may be finding it very difficult to fit in with the kiwi way (this was the reason my boy hated the Uk as well, everyone took the piss out of him for his accent and the way he did things and he as told by the school that if he wanted to take the exams he had to catch up the year he had missed by himself which i thought was very poor of the school to say that to him) We ended up with one very unhappy boy who would just shut himself away in his bedroom nigth after night it was awful.
But the thing is no mater what he did or how mad and fed up i got i would always support him we had family all around us in the UK but i just couldnt have set him to them or shown him the door under any circumstances, we had made him go with us over there so i was prepard to to what i had to to help him cope with it, raging hormones and all lol!
Was your son like this in the UK also? that will maybe be the key and give you somewhere to begin from.....Im afaid all i can suggest is talk talk talk to him and try and get to the root of the problem especially if hes not always been like this?
All the very best to you and your family I hope you get it resolved soon...
Big Hugs for you al
Cally xxxx
It is hard to offer much advice without knowing just what has happened with your boy but i do think him coming from one side of the world to another at his age is a very dificult time for him, is his misbehaving really maybe ust a cry for help and the only way he maybe feels he will get some attention is to behave badly.....I know its a very tough call and i have been in your shoes but in reverse we took our family to the Uk for 12months about 15yrs ago and our then 15yr old son just hated the place (he was used to hunting in the bush etc etc) after 6 months we were prepared to send him back to live with friends if that was what he wanted. But he ended up pulling out of school and got himslf an under the table job as he wasnt old enough to work, in fact he was so desperate NOT to go to school he cycled rain hail and snow 12miles each way 5 days a week for very little money but this was his way of dealing with it.
Is your son still at school? If so he may be finding it very difficult to fit in with the kiwi way (this was the reason my boy hated the Uk as well, everyone took the piss out of him for his accent and the way he did things and he as told by the school that if he wanted to take the exams he had to catch up the year he had missed by himself which i thought was very poor of the school to say that to him) We ended up with one very unhappy boy who would just shut himself away in his bedroom nigth after night it was awful.
But the thing is no mater what he did or how mad and fed up i got i would always support him we had family all around us in the UK but i just couldnt have set him to them or shown him the door under any circumstances, we had made him go with us over there so i was prepard to to what i had to to help him cope with it, raging hormones and all lol!
Was your son like this in the UK also? that will maybe be the key and give you somewhere to begin from.....Im afaid all i can suggest is talk talk talk to him and try and get to the root of the problem especially if hes not always been like this?
All the very best to you and your family I hope you get it resolved soon...
Big Hugs for you al
Cally xxxx
Last edited by cally49; Jan 2nd 2008 at 8:05 am.
#20
Re: Urgent Homeless Teenager help needed
'Children' are not bad people. This is one of those sad and incredibly difficult 'God Help me phases' of parenting that we have no idea is a possibility until it happens. Good luck in working this through. I imagine it is probably the hardest thing you have ever had to deal with. But you will all come through this.
One thought I hold which I think helps in these periods is to think long term. Especially since your 'son' (?) is an older child. To think about ways to handle this situation that will meet your long term desires for your child and your relationship with him. Whilst meeting his needs. Parenting is very hard (impossible sometimes?) but for those of us blessed with children, our choice afterall. And equally important, to choose strategies that you are 100% comfortable with, not necessarily what your parents/friends may be advising.
It's what you as his parents think is best for him that counts. But whilst being totally honest and aware of options that have a history of working and not working. For example, I would want to know what the consequences or possible outcomes are likely to be from sending a child away . Sorry to say this but I doubt it has a high percentage chance of helping them be a responsible caring citizen with strong social skills and an excellent relationship with one's parents (if that's ideally how you would like 'him' to end up). But having not looked into it, I could well be mistaken.
Maz, your comment about us all loving our children unconditionally was wonderful. Sadly it just isn't true. Most parents love their children conditionally, namely when they behave, are polite, make us proud etc and not when they are failing school, being a bully, breaking the law etc etc. So Lauren is a very lucky indeed. I think it's easy to see how hard it is to love someone unconditionally. According to research studies, people find it really hard to love unconditionally unless they were loved unconditionally by their parents. So the cycle, like in many things, is hard to break. I'm trying!
Happy New Year all.
Last edited by uk+kiwi; Jan 2nd 2008 at 8:23 am.
#21
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 5,763
Re: Urgent Homeless Teenager help needed
Thanks. I should be clear... there's a big difference between loving someone unconditionally, and always condoning their behaviour, no matter what.
#22
Re: Urgent Homeless Teenager help needed
Maybe I made it sound too 'simplistic'. For anyone interested, Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn is very inspiring, (if a little wordy in places for me personally). The point above loving someone unconditionally, is that they feel liike we do, not just that we do. I really do think parenting is by far the hardest thing most people will ever do.
Last edited by uk+kiwi; Jan 2nd 2008 at 8:37 am.
#23
Re: Urgent Homeless Teenager help needed
i think parenting is probably the hardest job in the world...
but what hope have the children got if the people who are supposed to love them the most give up on them.......
as someone said this is usually a cry for attention......
i'm sorry, but if i ever got to that stage with my children iwould like to think i would fight tooth and nail to turn the situation around.....not go on an ex pats website asking if anyone has a spare room......
people have problems with children all the time....
wonder if the women on the north shore whos son just drowned today ever felt like that.....i'm sure she would give her right arm to have her son back regardless....jacky
but what hope have the children got if the people who are supposed to love them the most give up on them.......
as someone said this is usually a cry for attention......
i'm sorry, but if i ever got to that stage with my children iwould like to think i would fight tooth and nail to turn the situation around.....not go on an ex pats website asking if anyone has a spare room......
people have problems with children all the time....
wonder if the women on the north shore whos son just drowned today ever felt like that.....i'm sure she would give her right arm to have her son back regardless....jacky
#24
Re: Urgent Homeless Teenager help needed
Okay I totally missed this when I replied earlier.
Eight months in a new country at the age of 17! Unless they were a SERIOUS problem back in the UK, this can only be a reflection of a major internal crisis going on. One that needs support. Not the ultimate rejection piled on top.
I'm not sure whether anything we write in reply will make a difference to what you decide to do (in fact I'm wondering if this is even for real to be honest), so to help I have just one question for you ....
'How would you have felt if this happened to you when you were 17?' I mean all of it. The move to NZ and then the 'issues' that have presented themselves since. And then your parents throwing you out twice. With your final 'kicking out' just around the corner. Loved? Scared? Supported? Valued? Rejected?
I can't go on. Ignoring what's going on (by physcially removing your child) won't help anyone.
Last edited by uk+kiwi; Jan 2nd 2008 at 10:08 am.
#25
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Joined: Sep 2007
Location: upper hutt
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Re: Urgent Homeless Teenager help needed
to all those people who think i am horrible kicking him out - you are wrong!!!!!!!!!!!
i had no ther option it was causing too many problems at home. he was unruly when we lived in the UK also and fromt he age of about 15, so i think i have given him more than enough chances.
he has somewhere to stay now thankfully.
i had no ther option it was causing too many problems at home. he was unruly when we lived in the UK also and fromt he age of about 15, so i think i have given him more than enough chances.
he has somewhere to stay now thankfully.
#26
Re: Urgent Homeless Teenager help needed
I tend to find that those with a simple answer don't understand the question
#27
Re: Urgent Homeless Teenager help needed
to all those people who think i am horrible kicking him out - you are wrong!!!!!!!!!!!
i had no ther option it was causing too many problems at home. he was unruly when we lived in the UK also and fromt he age of about 15, so i think i have given him more than enough chances.
he has somewhere to stay now thankfully.
i had no ther option it was causing too many problems at home. he was unruly when we lived in the UK also and fromt he age of about 15, so i think i have given him more than enough chances.
he has somewhere to stay now thankfully.
To be honest I am somewhat shocked that you justify it by saying he's been unruly since 15 so has had more than enough chances. At 15 his body, brain and communication skills are still developing! He isn't an adult yet. He can't respond like an adult. He's in the middle of a hormonal, emotional hell and is so not able to communicate with you in a mature adult fashion that you might like. I am deeply shocked that your best solution was to place him elsewhere where you don't have to deal with it.
I hope you will help him by getting him some appropriate help, meeting up with him regularly to talk etc and by letting him know often and freely that HE is loved and that it's just his behaviour that is not acceptable.
I hope it all works out and that maybe a while down the line you can all find common ground and a way to relate, live and love as you wish your family would.
#28
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Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 91
Re: Urgent Homeless Teenager help needed
Birkinshaw
I would just like to say that I hope all works out well for you and your son. Parenting is the hardest job in the world and none of us are experts.
To the self-righteous, perfect parents out there who have offered their scathing remarks and unhelpful opinions, I would just like to say may you always be so smug and secure in your own parenting abilities that you won't ever have to go through such harrowing times.
I would just like to say that I hope all works out well for you and your son. Parenting is the hardest job in the world and none of us are experts.
To the self-righteous, perfect parents out there who have offered their scathing remarks and unhelpful opinions, I would just like to say may you always be so smug and secure in your own parenting abilities that you won't ever have to go through such harrowing times.
#29
Re: Urgent Homeless Teenager help needed
Birkinshaw
I would just like to say that I hope all works out well for you and your son. Parenting is the hardest job in the world and none of us are experts.
To the self-righteous, perfect parents out there who have offered their scathing remarks and unhelpful opinions, I would just like to say may you always be so smug and secure in your own parenting abilities that you won't ever have to go through such harrowing times.
I would just like to say that I hope all works out well for you and your son. Parenting is the hardest job in the world and none of us are experts.
To the self-righteous, perfect parents out there who have offered their scathing remarks and unhelpful opinions, I would just like to say may you always be so smug and secure in your own parenting abilities that you won't ever have to go through such harrowing times.
#30
Re: Urgent Homeless Teenager help needed
I am not exactly with Birkinshaw on this one but unless you understand the circumstances you can't do more than give general and possibly wrong advice.
For instance my elder bro who got kicked out had been kicked out earlier but reprieved a couple of times before. He'd also just been kicked out of a good school. Stigma. He was going about as smalltime mad on alcohol and dope as nearly 17 year olds can do. He was getting 'hunted' by 15/16 year olds' parents for shagging their daughter. Parents got the blame, obviously. He'd failed most of his O levels through lack of application despite wonderful potential and ability. Most weeks were detention-ville and most terms were crap reports and PTA meetings. He was rude, aggressive and useless at home for a couple of years. He stole money. He harmed our progress (there were another 4 of us). We had a foster sister with massive emotional and developmental problems of her own. Parents were unhappy and heading for their own divorce some years later.
Apart from anything else he wanted to go. But was surprised when he got the boot.
Not surprising the weakest link went fairly early. But he could have done a lot better in life if he hadn't been released into the world at such an immature time.
For instance my elder bro who got kicked out had been kicked out earlier but reprieved a couple of times before. He'd also just been kicked out of a good school. Stigma. He was going about as smalltime mad on alcohol and dope as nearly 17 year olds can do. He was getting 'hunted' by 15/16 year olds' parents for shagging their daughter. Parents got the blame, obviously. He'd failed most of his O levels through lack of application despite wonderful potential and ability. Most weeks were detention-ville and most terms were crap reports and PTA meetings. He was rude, aggressive and useless at home for a couple of years. He stole money. He harmed our progress (there were another 4 of us). We had a foster sister with massive emotional and developmental problems of her own. Parents were unhappy and heading for their own divorce some years later.
Apart from anything else he wanted to go. But was surprised when he got the boot.
Not surprising the weakest link went fairly early. But he could have done a lot better in life if he hadn't been released into the world at such an immature time.