UK Friends

Old Oct 24th 2011, 6:34 am
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Default UK Friends

What I thought was my "best friend" in the UK seems to very possibly have decided not to really engage with me since I left the UK - we last saw each other in June in the UK for a week or so and we had a lovely girlie hol in Edinburgh, but since then her contact has been erratic and I did sense that when we left in June she was very upset. She was the bridesmaid at our wedding here in NZ in 2010.

Conversely, a Brit at work has maintained a close friendship with her best girfriend 14 years after leaving the UK.

What are your experiences? Wouldn't mind some advice, wondering whether to pursue this, she is/was a really close friend.

Jan
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Old Oct 24th 2011, 6:45 am
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Default Re: UK Friends

when i went back for a holiday a few weeks ago after 3 1/2 years away I picked up with my friends as though we'd never been apart.
I don't talk to them very much since I moved to nz, I don't feel the need to, I have good friends here in nz. My uk friends will always be friends
but I don't see the point off trying to maintain long distance relationships
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Old Oct 24th 2011, 8:04 am
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When I arrived in NZ, I had a card waiting for me at the hotel from the friend it was hardest to leave in my last Expat destination, so she wasn't my best life-long friend but my best expat friend, the one I had met up 3 times a week for 3 years..pretty close.
Great I thought we will keep in touch really well...but after a couple of emails, nothing on either side for months....but when I made my first trip back 2 years later, arranged by email, she came to stay with us in our holiday accommodation for 3 days and it was as if we had never been apart...I could go on and give you all kinds of examples but I think what I am trying to say is you are the one who went away to the 'new life' and left a void for them which was arguably harder to fill, so it is up to you to put the most effort in without boasting and sounding too full of it/crap UK etc (I doubt you boast about the earthquake).

As Justcol says the really really old friends aren't so hard to maintain, you likely had a 'pick up where we left off' relationship going back to Uni days or schooldays, even in the UK.

Also if they think you are gone for good, they may not see the point in staying closely in touch, all mine know I am only temporarily gone with plan to return to UK and likely that also makes it easier to keep in touch fruitfully.

I am pretty close to my younger sister too but she is very busy and we go months without any contact (she is not on Facebook) but when we meet up (I have been back 3 times in 4 years and she has been here once) it is fine again.
My advice is to make the effort, it is usually worth it but at this distance the effort needn't be weekly lol.

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Old Oct 24th 2011, 8:50 am
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Default Re: UK Friends

Originally Posted by Jan n Neil View Post
What I thought was my "best friend" in the UK seems to very possibly have decided not to really engage with me since I left the UK - we last saw each other in June in the UK for a week or so and we had a lovely girlie hol in Edinburgh, but since then her contact has been erratic and I did sense that when we left in June she was very upset. She was the bridesmaid at our wedding here in NZ in 2010.

Conversely, a Brit at work has maintained a close friendship with her best girfriend 14 years after leaving the UK.

What are your experiences? Wouldn't mind some advice, wondering whether to pursue this, she is/was a really close friend.

Jan
Hi Jan, I have experienced the same. Not just with one friend but with a few of them. It has made me feel as though our friendships weren't what I thought they were. I found it really hard when I first got here, but now I've made some great friends here I've realised that life goes on and maybe our friendships weren't what I thought or maybe it is just too hard to keep friendships going when you live on different sides of the world, I really don't know the answer. I just know that a few friends really shocked me out of sight, out of mind and all that.

Good Luck in what you decide to do and try not to get too down about it
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Old Oct 24th 2011, 8:51 pm
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Default Re: UK Friends

When I'm feeling offended that friends haven't kept in touch as much as I'd like (usually just when I'm feeling a bit homesick and would love a few emails to cheer me up) I remember myself in similar situations - I always have big plans to keep in touch with people, email regularly, send cards etc but don't get round to it as often as I think I will, and it's not cos I'm not thinking about the person, it's just cos I don't get round to actually putting it into an email/letter etc.

Your friends might be thinking 'ooh better email...' regularly but then not having time when they're actually at the comp, or only remembering at inconvinient times (like in the swimming pool...).

On the other hand, I spose to some extent you might not stay as close to people if you're over here for good (and I know that I haven't kept in touch with people even while I was in the UK just cos they moved so far away after uni - I really liked them, but knew I was never gonna have the time to keep the friendship up).

Hope you make some lovely new friends and can maybe just enjoy the memories of good times with your old friends, and catching up again on visits back to the UK xx
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Old Oct 24th 2011, 9:11 pm
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Thanks everyone - suppose I was just feeling a bit bruised lately as this particular girlfriend has not reponded to many emails and texts for a while - when I did finally get a response to a text we agreed to Skype at a certain time and I was really looking forward to it! But she never turned up....... (in the virtual Skype world I mean)


Neil thinks I should just leave it. We used to be in touch and going out together just about every week in the UK. Oh well But it doesn't stop me missing her

Jan
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Old Oct 24th 2011, 9:58 pm
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........and I did sense that when we left in June she was very upset
Pick up the phone and talk with her Jan. Don't leave a message or owt like that. Time it to catch her direct.

"Hi, it's me , your best friend. Are we OK? If not, why not? I miss you - smoochy girly wubs"

Something happened or was said and you need to know about this in order to fix it or to move on.
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Old Oct 24th 2011, 10:42 pm
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Default Re: UK Friends

Originally Posted by Jan n Neil View Post
Thanks everyone - suppose I was just feeling a bit bruised lately as this particular girlfriend has not reponded to many emails and texts for a while - when I did finally get a response to a text we agreed to Skype at a certain time and I was really looking forward to it! But she never turned up....... (in the virtual Skype world I mean)


Neil thinks I should just leave it. We used to be in touch and going out together just about every week in the UK. Oh well But it doesn't stop me missing her

Jan
I hate skype no-shows.

Hope you manage to sort things out...is she the type of person who might be upset by something and not telling you? xx
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Old Oct 24th 2011, 11:12 pm
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Default Re: UK Friends

Hi Jan,

Some of my girlfriends keep in touch with me regularly, usually e-mail, cards etc.. & to a lesser extent on fb...one friend I met weekly for 4 yrs is a bit rubbish at keeping in touch long distance...she writes to me not often but I find it's enough as we have a mutual friend so we both find out more recent info about each other through her. To be fair she did warn me she finds long distance contact difficult.

I'd agree with Bevs, for peace of mind....she may just be like my friend though who finds it difficult to maintain long distance friendships but will always be there for you....hope so
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Old Oct 24th 2011, 11:14 pm
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[QUOTE=JenR;9693389] I hate skype no-shows.

Me too!!! and it happens oh so often :-(
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Old Oct 24th 2011, 11:34 pm
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Default Re: UK Friends

Originally Posted by BEVS View Post
Pick up the phone and talk with her Jan. Don't leave a message or owt like that. Time it to catch her direct.

"Hi, it's me , your best friend. Are we OK? If not, why not? I miss you - smoochy girly wubs"

Something happened or was said and you need to know about this in order to fix it or to move on.
She doesn't answer the phone - nothing to do with me, she just doesn't, she stares at it to see who it is. I've seen this in the UK with her. My overseas number comes up with "not known" so she doesn't bother.
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Old Oct 24th 2011, 11:53 pm
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Default Re: UK Friends

Originally Posted by Jan n Neil View Post
She doesn't answer the phone - nothing to do with me, she just doesn't, she stares at it to see who it is. I've seen this in the UK with her. My overseas number comes up with "not known" so she doesn't bother.
If I were you, I'd keep the line open by just sending her a personal email or Facebook message at Christmas and leave it at that until you next have plans for a return visit.
I really am not a fan of Skype - I think it underlines the futility of long-distance contact almost - I think what I don't like is being stuck at the computer 'trying to make conversation about trivia' whereas by phone I can continue to potter and load dishwasher etc..it's probably just me.

I think people react differently and the ones you expect to stay in touch may not be the ones who do (some may be up for visits to NZ lol and others know they have no intention ever = ulterior motive lol).

I had a good work colleague friend who I had lunch every Friday with for 2 years but I could tell when I left to have a baby, just from the way she said goodbye that I wasn't going to hear from her again. Some people are just a bit strange.
It's another of those downsides of globetrotting. What is really sad though are the 'ping-pongers' you hear of sometimes who go back for family reasons and then find they have minimal contact with family and so 'pong' back.

Last edited by luvwelly; Oct 24th 2011 at 11:57 pm.
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Old Oct 25th 2011, 2:39 am
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Default Re: UK Friends

Originally Posted by Jan n Neil View Post
She doesn't answer the phone - nothing to do with me, she just doesn't, she stares at it to see who it is. I've seen this in the UK with her. My overseas number comes up with "not known" so she doesn't bother.
Rats ! Pesky call minder .

I'm with Luvwelly on this then. Keep the line open by sending short chatty messages giving her a wee bit of everyday news and enquiring after her own life.

Have you no inkling why she seemed so upset? Not asking for details or owt.
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Old Oct 25th 2011, 3:01 am
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Default Re: UK Friends

Originally Posted by Jan n Neil View Post
What I thought was my "best friend" in the UK seems to very possibly have decided not to really engage with me since I left the UK - we last saw each other in June in the UK for a week or so and we had a lovely girlie hol in Edinburgh, but since then her contact has been erratic and I did sense that when we left in June she was very upset. She was the bridesmaid at our wedding here in NZ in 2010.

Conversely, a Brit at work has maintained a close friendship with her best girfriend 14 years after leaving the UK.

What are your experiences? Wouldn't mind some advice, wondering whether to pursue this, she is/was a really close friend.

Jan
Shit happens and folk move on. There has been a very big rift with some of my brothers and sisters. I say stuff 'em. If they can't deal with it and want to get arsey it's their loss. I would be delighted for anyone I really love (including my kids) if they are getting off their arse and trying for a better future where ever that may be. It is more about them than us..infact its all about them. I don't need people like that in my life. My thoughts are that they can't have been that important to me if they can behave in such a way. And no I will never accept that they are grieving (my arse!!). People who love you (or who are supposed to love you) should support you in your healthy endeavours.
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Old Oct 25th 2011, 4:26 am
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Default Re: UK Friends

Originally Posted by BEVS View Post
Have you no inkling why she seemed so upset? Not asking for details or owt.
No, she just seemed upset we were leaving and that she wouldn't see me/us for a while. We used to have plans to meet in the States and things and she knows I would help her fund a ticket to NZ.

Oh well.... thanks for all the advice peeps
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