Telling parents

Old Aug 27th 2009, 6:51 pm
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Unhappy Telling parents

Hi all,

Am hoping to be escaping to NZ in Jan (providing at least 1 of us can get a job - we are both secondary school teachers) but have just opened the most almighty can of worms when we told our parents our plans.

Both sets are really upset - angry - you name it - and just wondered if anyone had any advice (or hope that things can improve for us) I guess maybe should have aked on hear before we did it - but honestly thought that one set if not both had guessed (just returned from a month holiday in NZ aka recce mission!)

Btw are planning on either settling in Auckland - either North Shore or Howick/ Beachlands areas - any pros or cons for either?
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Old Aug 27th 2009, 6:56 pm
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Default Re: Telling parents

Originally Posted by Cadibel View Post
Hi all,

Am hoping to be escaping to NZ in Jan (providing at least 1 of us can get a job - we are both secondary school teachers) but have just opened the most almighty can of worms when we told our parents our plans.

Both sets are really upset - angry - you name it - and just wondered if anyone had any advice (or hope that things can improve for us) I guess maybe should have aked on hear before we did it - but honestly thought that one set if not both had guessed (just returned from a month holiday in NZ aka recce mission!)

Btw are planning on either settling in Auckland - either North Shore or Howick/ Beachlands areas - any pros or cons for either?
Be careful about 'escaping'.
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Old Aug 27th 2009, 6:57 pm
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Default Re: Telling parents

It's not that life is really bad over here for us but just wanted to use a different word than emigrating
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Old Aug 27th 2009, 7:03 pm
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Default Re: Telling parents

Originally Posted by Cadibel View Post
It's not that life is really bad over here for us but just wanted to use a different word than emigrating
Good luck with it

Just that I miss my weirdo family now...
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Old Aug 27th 2009, 7:44 pm
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Default Re: Telling parents

Both sets of parents were really upset when we told them - taking grandkids away etc etc. but over time they have come to terms a bit more with it.

We pointed out to them that we had seen them 11 times in one year and they only lived 40 mins drive away so if they come over for 3 weeks in a year they'll see us for more time than if we'd stay in the UK.

Good luck - it's not easy. My parents are still desperate to see the kids every day that we're here and give me grief when we spend a few days seeing friends etc and not seeing them. We're going in 3 weeks:thumbsup
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Old Aug 27th 2009, 7:47 pm
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Default Re: Telling parents

Originally Posted by Cadibel View Post
Hi all,

Am hoping to be escaping to NZ in Jan (providing at least 1 of us can get a job - we are both secondary school teachers) but have just opened the most almighty can of worms when we told our parents our plans.

Both sets are really upset - angry - you name it - and just wondered if anyone had any advice (or hope that things can improve for us) I guess maybe should have aked on hear before we did it - but honestly thought that one set if not both had guessed (just returned from a month holiday in NZ aka recce mission!)

Btw are planning on either settling in Auckland - either North Shore or Howick/ Beachlands areas - any pros or cons for either?
Hi Calibel
Sorry cant help with the area- we are heading to Hamilton/Cambridge.

Thought i would add my thoughts regards family.

We told ours of our plans a couple of years ago. I honestly think they thought we were joking. To start with my OH mother would happily talk with us about what we were doing, Selling the house, when we wanted to go etc. OH went to NZ in May and when he came home he had a job offer - she still doesnt know what or where it is - she hasnt asked. It seems that now its real because immigration stuff is actually happening she cant bear it.
I know its hard - we are taking her only grandchildren away - and my heart really goes out to her but we have to do whats right for us now - if we live our lives for others we would never do anything.
My mum has been slightly different - she asks us how things are going - but before you can answer she changes the subject or turns the converstion to my cousin (who i dont really know) whos also moving over. She has other grandchildren and other children besides myself but it has to be said our relationship is hanging by a thread. I am so desperate not to fall out with her before i go that i feel its almost best not to see her than risk an argument

This process is hard on everyone, you will have to be really focused on what you want - cant say i havent had my worries - I hope your parents come round and you can share this experience with them.

How old are you - do you have any children yet?? Just nosey x

All the best
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Old Aug 27th 2009, 7:51 pm
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Default Re: Telling parents

Originally Posted by MOSO View Post
Both sets of parents were really upset when we told them - taking grandkids away etc etc. but over time they have come to terms a bit more with it.

We pointed out to them that we had seen them 11 times in one year and they only lived 40 mins drive away so if they come over for 3 weeks in a year they'll see us for more time than if we'd stay in the UK.

Good luck - it's not easy. My parents are still desperate to see the kids every day that we're here and give me grief when we spend a few days seeing friends etc and not seeing them. We're going in 3 weeks:thumbsup
I think we are living parallel lives - i have been having the same conversations
My mum lives a 15 min bus ride away and hasnt visited us one in 15 months - if she sees them its because i have taken them to her - but im such a bad person for taking them away
I may be an estate agent but im not a bad person
Well not all the time
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Old Aug 27th 2009, 8:01 pm
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Default Re: Telling parents

Originally Posted by MOSO View Post
We pointed out to them that we had seen them 11 times in one year and they only lived 40 mins drive away so if they come over for 3 weeks in a year they'll see us for more time than if we'd stay in the UK.
Originally Posted by Psychopandy View Post
Hi Calibel

I know its hard - we are taking her only grandchildren away - and my heart really goes out to her but we have to do whats right for us now - if we live our lives for others we would never do anything.
All the best
I found it really easy before we came to say we have to live our lives and not stay for family, and could justify it by saying, we only see them every couple of months for a day here and there so 2/3 weeks together will be more than we saw them in the UK.

However, taking my daughter away from her grandparents had a huge effect on her, and still does nearly 2 years later. I also know it broke her grand-ma's heart. I'm not sure I will ever forgive myself for doing it, you can't ever give that time missed back.

Also, not being able to see family and choosing not to see them are totally different. Once you can't visit you suddenly really want to.

Good luck, its a rock and a hard place situation
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Old Aug 27th 2009, 8:05 pm
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Default Re: Telling parents

Originally Posted by Psychopandy View Post
I think we are living parallel lives - i have been having the same conversations
My mum lives a 15 min bus ride away and hasnt visited us one in 15 months - if she sees them its because i have taken them to her - but im such a bad person for taking them away
I may be an estate agent but im not a bad person
Well not all the time
I think it can be really hard for parents especially if you have children. We have lots of friends that are told that they are taking away the grandchildren. Parents and relatives are a great support network and I know a number of people that do not cope well without this, although others have excellent friends who are better than families. Everyone is different.

We have no children, and we saw both our parents every couple of months. My parents visited our home twice in 15 years (it wasn't that they were not invited) it was just that it was deemed that we should visit them My OH parents thought that travelling across the Thames was a major undertaking and visited us occasionally. Again we were expected to travel to visit Both sets of parents must have come from the same mould
Anyway since we have moved to NZ we probably now speak / Skype more often than when we lived in the UK. When we visited the UK this year we visited both families and had a great time.

Our parents love us but I think the distance between us somehow helps. The miles definately become a problem when any of them are ill and you cannot just drive to see if they are OK.

As for discussing our move to NZ I think our parents always knew we were going to move to NZ, we thought we had dropped enough hints. But it still came as a surprise. Good luck for all of you making the decision.
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Old Aug 27th 2009, 8:07 pm
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Default Re: Telling parents

Originally Posted by N1cky View Post
I found it really easy before we came to say we have to live our lives and not stay for family, and could justify it by saying, we only see them every couple of months for a day here and there so 2/3 weeks together will be more than we saw them in the UK.

However, taking my daughter away from her grandparents had a huge effect on her, and still does nearly 2 years later. I also know it broke her grand-ma's heart. I'm not sure I will ever forgive myself for doing it, you can't ever give that time missed back.

Also, not being able to see family and choosing not to see them are totally different. Once you can't visit you suddenly really want to.

Good luck, its a rock and a hard place situation
You are quite right, and i dont think any of us can understand how the impact of going will effect us or everyone around us till weve done it.

I thank you for the heads up x
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Old Aug 27th 2009, 8:14 pm
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Default Re: Telling parents

Originally Posted by nero View Post
I think it can be really hard for parents especially if you have children. We have lots of friends that are told that they are taking away the grandchildren. Parents and relatives are a great support network and I know a number of people that do not cope well without this, although others have excellent friends who are better than families. Everyone is different.

We have no children, and we saw both our parents every couple of months. My parents visited our home twice in 15 years (it wasn't that they were not invited) it was just that it was deemed that we should visit them My OH parents thought that travelling across the Thames was a major undertaking and visited us occasionally. Again we were expected to travel to visit Both sets of parents must have come from the same mould
Anyway since we have moved to NZ we probably now speak / Skype more often than when we lived in the UK. When we visited the UK this year we visited both families and had a great time.

Our parents love us but I think the distance between us somehow helps. The miles definately become a problem when any of them are ill and you cannot just drive to see if they are OK.

As for discussing our move to NZ I think our parents always knew we were going to move to NZ, we thought we had dropped enough hints. But it still came as a surprise. Good luck for all of you making the decision.
We have tried to set my mum up with email and have mentioned the skype but 'shes to old' her words not mine 'to learn new stuff'. It frustrates me that she doesnt seem to care that when weve gone - weve gone.
My OH is in IT - he could show her how, if anyone can but she wont - not cant!!!
Are you still happy with your decision to move? do you have any regrets?
Our move could be imminent . any thoughts gratefully received x
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Old Aug 28th 2009, 1:52 am
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Default Re: Telling parents

This is so tough. We all hope for our parent's blessings don't we , so we can leave with a clear conscience . We want them to say we are doing the right thing for our lives and we want them to hear about how things are going for us because we are so caught up in the process of moving country. We want them to be selfless.

I think that for many, if not all parents , it is a huge, gut wrenching physical body blow on par with bereavement and that some are just better at hiding it than others. Some are better at finding a way to console themselves than others & our parents are no difference to any of us, in that we can all be guilty of taking our nearest and dearest for granted soit makes no odds just how much time you spend in each others faces because the bottom line is that it is about feeling you are losing someone you love.

I think maybe the only way any of us can get close to how they feel is to put ourselves in their shoes and ask ourselves how it would be if they announced that they were moving to the other side of the world. How would you feel if you thought you would never see your parents again.

Looking back , I can now see that my old Dad was completely and utterly gutted.He certainly displayed signs of bereavement , yet he never once asked me to remain.

I think I knew even before I got on that plane that leaving him would tear me apart and it did. Gawd only knows what it did to him.

My MIL thought she would never see her son again.

We all did the platitude things. You know the ones.
It's only a day away.
You can come visit for weeks on end.
There is Skype.

My reality was that he couldn't come to NZ because of health.
He never really mastered Skype or email even though he tried a bit
and when we returned to see him , it was a huge undertaking and a mammoth cost that has kept up broke for all the 5 years we have been here.

I think what Ray, who is a long time poster to BE, said is true.
We adapt and overcome. That is the best we can hope for.


Good luck to all of you with your parents. I feel for you all.
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Old Aug 28th 2009, 1:55 am
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Default Re: Telling parents

Originally Posted by Psychopandy View Post
We have tried to set my mum up with email and have mentioned the skype but 'shes to old' her words not mine 'to learn new stuff'. It frustrates me that she doesnt seem to care that when weve gone - weve gone.
My OH is in IT - he could show her how, if anyone can but she wont - not cant!!!
Are you still happy with your decision to move? do you have any regrets?
Our move could be imminent . any thoughts gratefully received x
I don't know how old your Mum is.All I would say is , don't push the IT stuff with her. It may come down to the fact that you have phone contact only. Just as my husband does with his Mother.

Is there anyone else that would help her with this after you are gone. She may feel more able to cope with this type of thing later on.
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Old Aug 28th 2009, 2:35 am
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Default Re: Telling parents

Originally Posted by Psychopandy View Post
We have tried to set my mum up with email and have mentioned the skype but 'shes to old' her words not mine 'to learn new stuff'. It frustrates me that she doesnt seem to care that when weve gone - weve gone.
My OH is in IT - he could show her how, if anyone can but she wont - not cant!!!
Are you still happy with your decision to move? do you have any regrets?
Our move could be imminent . any thoughts gratefully received x
No regrets at all about our move. Obviously we would love our parents to be nearer and if there are any health concerns (as they are not getting any younger) it would be great just to pop round. But we can't and all of us have accepted that.

We have one set of parents that are IT savvy and one that is not. We tried like you to encourage Skype use and Email use but it has not been successful. So we call regularly using Skype, we print out photos and emails and send them via snail mail. So we have found ways to get around the non IT parents. We have also used our nieces and nephews (who live in the UK) to be the message givers as they are very IT literate and are on Facebook etc.

We fully understand where you are coming from and it is difficult. We have brothers and sisters still in the UK and they think we have escaped our responsibilities with regards to our parents and are unhelpful at times. But I think part of it could be jealousy Our parents do love us and do care they just have very different ways of showing us and sometimes it is not in the way we would like. You must lead your life in the way that you want to and have no regrets, but sometimes this unfortunately comes at a cost! We certainly would not change our decision. Good luck for the future.
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Old Aug 28th 2009, 5:02 am
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Default Re: Telling parents

I left home 7/8yrs ago for Uk... I first told my parents n familly "It's for a year!" Then I hated it (Yep!) so I said "6months and am back!"... Then a year later I was still there enjoying it! Then I went back home before Xmas and told them by March I'll be back! Then I met OH... Needless to say they thought I was crazy when I told them "Nah am staying a bit longer..."

During my 7yrs in the UK, my parents came 4 times. Sister2 came 3 times while sister1 & my brother never came! It was for me to go home... Towards the end, I was only going back every 5/6months as I decided to use holiday for holidaying & not visiting family...

They never said I should not come to NZ (or OZ as it was initially) but god only knows how much they cried!!! They first said they would not visit and then at the end dad said that they'll look at booking business or first so the long flight will not be that hard!! Boy, wasn't I happy!!!!

Now will it happen?? I dont know! But we shall see!

What I wanted to say is that am living my life & they are supporting me... We regularly skype each other... My mum has turned into an internet master since they retired & dad comes along from time to time...

Reading your post made me realise how lucky I am that my parents supported my choice... Perhaps I should come out then!!
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