Struggling

Old May 10th 2020, 12:20 am
  #16  
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Default Re: Struggling

Thanks Mish, I appreciate the sentiment and kind thoughts. I hope you are ok stuck in Oz!

Do you know what Bo-Jangles, it's not even the money. As we're potentially splitting up as we arrive, and as he only just started working for the business, I doubt I would be due much anyway, it's the deceit.
I didn't want to come, we came because his parents were giving him (us) the business, I hate it here, I find out they are not giving us the business.
If I had known this I would have not come - it would have been the perfect get-out.
This plus how much less money we have here.
Because I cant work right now (my UK skills are not transferable so I would need to retrain but god knows what as, and I am not in the right frame of mind), the cost of living is so much higher and we have a mortgage here but had paid it off in the UK, we are at least £4000/$8000 worse off per month. We obviously didn't spend this in the UK and those savings went into this house, but it gave us options and security.

And he's angry with me for being anti-social and miserable!
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Old May 10th 2020, 7:03 am
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Default Re: Struggling

Yes Hallie, I'm fine as I get to be with my older daughter for a while who lives in Oz, I'm able to get back to NZ when I need, I had to hang around till next month as I'm finishing my Enrolled Nursing qualification and have to wait until later next month to get in an Aged care facility to finish my work experience. I'll be back in NZ in July. All good.

I'm more horrified as your story goes on, just plain awful 😲☹️
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Old May 11th 2020, 3:42 am
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Default Re: Struggling

Sorry Hallie! What a thoroughly shit thing to have to go through. I know it doesn't feel like it at the moment but you will come out of this strong, independent and happy. It helps to vent, so vent away, we don't mind 😁
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Old May 11th 2020, 4:55 am
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Default Re: Struggling

You need to get some clear cut legal advice on where you stand . You haven't actually been resident in this country for long at all & all your family support is not in NZ so it may be worth checking out where you actually stand on the right place of domicile for you and your children.

I suggest Lane Neave. They are versed in immigration law as well as family law so will have the right people on their team. When it comes to kids it is all about what is best for them but your happiness comes into it.

If you feel you were fraudulently brought here on any level at all go & get yourself tooled up and ready for a fight. Don't just let your husband and family dictate your life to you. Get your family on board.



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Old May 11th 2020, 7:53 am
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Default Re: Struggling

Originally Posted by hallie_day View Post
I didn't want to come, we came because his parents were giving him (us) the business, I hate it here, I find out they are not giving us the business.
If I had known this I would have not come - it would have been the perfect get-out
Do you think the deceit was on his part by not telling you the truth, or omitting that piece of the jigsaw, or did his parents dupe him also into believing he was being 'given' the business?
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Old May 12th 2020, 6:53 pm
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Default Re: Struggling

Don't know if it's been covered but have you thought of waiting till this is over, grabbing kids and running for home.
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Old May 13th 2020, 2:09 am
  #22  
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Default Re: Struggling

Originally Posted by Justcol View Post
Don't know if it's been covered but have you thought of waiting till this is over, grabbing kids and running for home.
Also known as kidnapping, which I believe is against the law 🤷‍♀️
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Old May 13th 2020, 5:00 am
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Default Re: Struggling

I have had very good legal advice and children are habitual residents the second they step foot on NZ soil - much stricter than most other countries.
To take them away would be a contravention of the Hague Convention and I would be arrested in the UK.
As my brother is a police Superintendent specialising in people trafficking, this wouldn't go down too well!!!

Bo-jangles. I'm not entirely sure and suspect it's a bit of both.
His mum was working for the business and desperate to retire, and his brother has worked for the business for 20 years and obviously would prefer to keep it in the family rather than employ someone.
So they were very persuasive.
And I expect my husband just didn't look into it and didn't ask for facts and figures.
He's now saying 'of course I wouldn't get it straight away, I have to earn it' but he has never mentioned conditions, nor can he tell me what they are.
It's also worth less that half the figure he mentioned in London, and it owes his parents money but he doesn't know how much or the payment schedule.

So basically, all he has is a new job and is the discretionary beneficiary of the family trust (which he would be anyway).
Exactly the same salary as he had in London but three times the living costs (usual stuff plus we were mortgage free).
And I can't do my job here so will have to retrain after 25 years in my career, but don't know why I should, or what I would do.

So I am desperately homesick, for the first time since I had had a Saturday job at HMV when I was 16 I have no disposable income, and my husband is mad at me for not being jolly and sociable.

Oh and a global pandemic and narcissistic sister-in-law who is bullying my parents at home.

Massive shit show.
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Old May 13th 2020, 5:40 am
  #24  
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Default Re: Struggling

To take them away would be a contravention of the Hague Convention and I would be arrested in the UK.
This is correct .

Originally Posted by hallie_day View Post
I have had very good legal advice and children are habitual residents the second they step foot on NZ soil - much stricter than most other countries.
However being habitual residents is not what a court considers when an application to relocate a child is made. It is about support and welfare. From what I can read you and your children haven't been resident in NZ for longer than a year yet. You were brought under what was false pretences. Your marriage has broken down and you are not close at all nor have a close relationship / bond with your in-laws. Your children - ages poss 7 and 10 now, have spent far more time on UK soil with your family than on NZ soil with this new unknown family.

I would still strongly suggest contacting Lane Neave or a law firm of a similar ilk and look to start the process of an application. Before that there will be mandatory mediation as there always must be but that would show that you mean business and will not just accept . My thought is that this may help dissolve some of your partner's current intransigence . Clearly on his home turf with the weight of his family behind him he feel he has the much larger and only stick over this. Your aim would be to take back control and show him that you also have a stick. Yes. It all may not be possible HOWEVER you may gain freedom of movement for you and your kids & that is not as unlikely as it seems. Courts look to the children and their welfare more than to the parents.

i actually know someone who emigrated to Oz with her husband. Had her children there. He cheated and the marriage broke down. They had been there for more than a year. She did have to find her stick but in the end she prevailed with an agreement between the two of them. She returned to the UK with the children . Each year the children returned to Oz for a good two months to spend time with their Dad. Not ideal but far better than exile. Her son now lives in Oz again which was his choice & he returns to the UK to spend time with Mum . Her daughter lives in the UK with her and still sees her Dad in Oz.

What I am saying that one cannot know what is possible until one takes up the baton . Please do get a 2nd opinion. The first one based on a one year habitual residency sounds a bit feeble.
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Old May 13th 2020, 5:43 am
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Default Re: Struggling

I'm really sorry that things are so horrible for you Hallie. I was gobsmacked to read that your husband took off for the beach house with his family and left you alone with the kids. Quite frankly I think that was a disgusting thing for him to do. Would he give permission for you to take the kids back to the UK for a visit, given that your Dad's so ill? Once flights are available again of course, and finances permitting. I know it would probably mean that you and the kids would need to quarantine (at your parent's place?) for 14 days, but at least you'd be there - and so would the kids.
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Old May 13th 2020, 6:07 am
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Default Re: Struggling

Thanks Bevs, but I'm pretty certain. I actually spoke to a barrister who specialises in the Hague Convention - I emailed him directly after a recommendation from a poster on Mumsnet who works for the Justice Department and he felt so bad for my situation that he even replied on Anzac day and we have spoken and emailed a lot since. It was him who looked up the family trust details. He's also advised on how our assets are likely to be split in a divorce due to our economic disparity. But I'll still be bloody stuck here unless he lets me go. And even if he does, that's not simple any more - the post coronavirus job situation as a single mum, finding a secondary school for my daughter when we were in catchment for an outstanding one. I can't believe that this time last year I had a happy and normal life!

Someone from Oz has responded to my Mumsnet post and their situation is similar to your friend's and they are now back in the UK but had to get a child psychiatrist involved and Australia seems to be a little more flexible than NZ.

Spouse - Thank you. He's been acting like a dick since we arrived. He left NZ 20 years ago at 22 and has reverted back to then.
We have flights for July but I reckon they will be pushed back. Well, they will. Korean Air via Seoul though so the best route for an early opening of borders.
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Old May 18th 2020, 4:33 am
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Default Re: Struggling

Originally Posted by hallie_day View Post
And I can't do my job here so will have to retrain after 25 years in my career, but don't know why I should, or what I would do.

So I am desperately homesick, for the first time since I had had a Saturday job at HMV when I was 16 I have no disposable income, and my husband is mad at me for not being jolly and sociable.
I'm really sorry you're finding it hard to settle here but re your job - lots of people in the post-Covid-19 world will have to retrain/rethink how to run their businesses.
There are no jobs for life anymore so use this opportunity to reassess your skills and come up with a plan.I'm sure there are plenty of jobs you'd be good at with your wealth of experience.

Homesickness is a tough one - I cried at stupid little things that reminded me of back home when we first arrived here but 3 years on I love my new life and would not go back to the UK (to live permanently that is - family visits are a different matter)
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Old May 20th 2020, 6:26 am
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Default Re: Struggling

Originally Posted by KOH2 View Post
I'm really sorry you're finding it hard to settle here but re your job - lots of people in the post-Covid-19 world will have to retrain/rethink how to run their businesses.
There are no jobs for life anymore so use this opportunity to reassess your skills and come up with a plan.I'm sure there are plenty of jobs you'd be good at with your wealth of experience.

Homesickness is a tough one - I cried at stupid little things that reminded me of back home when we first arrived here but 3 years on I love my new life and would not go back to the UK (to live permanently that is - family visits are a different matter)
Thank you.

I think the problem with work is that it has been thrust upon me at a time I am not in the best place for rethinking my career - my depression, the bloody awful logistics of living on the North Shore, childcare, the fact I don't really want a job because that is another tie to a place I hate.... It also needs to pay enough to pay all my costs and bills in one of the most expensive places to live in the world (not just the 25% I paid towards our family income in the UK). At home I had contacts who could have helped me find something related to what I did - work for a supplier for example. I did actually turn down an exciting opportunity last summer because of the move.
It feels like I'm facing a Herculaneum task, when the only job I am qualified to do on the whole of Seek in my area is shelf packer.

At the risk of sounding like a five year old, it just seems so unfair - my husband gets to move here for his job and I end up having to retrain.
He knew it would be very difficult for me to do my old role, yet he still pressed ahead and insisted moving was the right thing to do.


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Old May 20th 2020, 10:21 am
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Default Re: Struggling

Have you consulted a lawyer yet?
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Old May 20th 2020, 8:35 pm
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Default Re: Struggling

Originally Posted by carcajou View Post
Have you consulted a lawyer yet?
Yes. I had a recommendation from another forum - a barrister and family law/Hague Convention specialist who I contacted directly and has been brilliant. He was so touched by what is happening (there is more I haven't written here about my husband and his family's behaviour) that he contacted me on Anzac Day and has been checking on me regularly.
It's good news re splitting our assets - not the 50:50 my husband thinks it will be because of our economic disparity, but bad news re the kids - they are habitual residents.

Most of all I'm just shocked at the thought of living my life out somewhere I never wanted to live and was coerced into moving to.
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