forshy

Hi Everyone!

We are really excited and looking forward to our new life as we fly out to NZ on the 30th March with our two little girls who cannot wait!!!!!
We have PR and so far so good, however the issue is my 12 year old step son.


Me and his dad have been together for 9 years so he has been a big part of our lives for the last 9 years and 'when' with us is a big part of our family

Initially when we got together his mother was very bitter that her ex had moved on and made life very very difficult for him to see his son which resulted in court action.

however during the past 5 years our usual weekly weekend contact has been upset by lots of sports and parties and therefore some months we have only seen him once Hi mother is very domineering on everything on her terms only which is very frustrating

It was never going to be an easy decision to leave a child behind who you love and to be honest it breaks our hearts, but selfishly neither do we want to leave it as we have to think of our little ones who are only 5 and 6 and leaving it later will upset them too!!

Has anyone had a similar experience and how did they over come this???? my husband is meeting up with ex wife and husband to discuss our move and the things we will be suggesting are us purchasing a PC with web cam, x box live and most importantly weekly calls from us all and the prickly subject of him coming over for school hols - again i think she will make this difficult

This would mean we would have more quality time that we have had in the last 9 years, however I know she will not be happy with the flight, we are at best going to arrange that he can come out with friends /family memebers however has anyone ever sent their kids unaccompanied and if so what was their experience?

Any advice on this really sad situation, we constantly keep the channels of communication open with him and reassure him that he is still a very important part of the family. I honestly believe that one day he will come and live in NZ with us

did anyone do anything else that i havent thought o, ie an album or anything ????
thank you

forshy

Heavenlyscent

Hi
What a sad situation and I do feel for you.
I do believe though that a child under 16 cannot fly alone they need an adult over the age of 18. You could check with the airlines.

TeamEmbo

No. Some airlines may have stricter rules than others but an unaccompanied minor is a child travelling alone aged 5-11 (sometimes up to 15 or older). You fill out the appropriate paperwork and pay a UM fee, but you do have to be mindful of transfers en route if it involves different carriers as rules may differ and fees are payable for the UM service to each carrier.

See link:

http://airtravel.about.com/od/childr.../umnrpart1.htm

Forshy, I can understand your difficult predicament. I sincerely hope you manage to find a way through this emotional minefield and find solutions that keep everyone happy. It's not easy, for sure but it is do-able, if you have goodwill all round. Unpredicable, demanding ex's though sometimes prefer sheer bloodymindedness to goodwill!

I wish you luck and safe journey to NZ

Margaret Parkinson

I have a friend whose daughter of 13 wanted to go to Canada to visit her Uncle. She was going for 5 weeks. The Travel Agent arranged everything for her. They had to take her to the airport with a letter she was handed over to someone in authority. From there she was taken to a special lounge for children only. The people in there had all been Police checked. She was looked after all through the flight by one cabin stewardess that had been assigned to her. On her arrival she was met by her Uncle who also had a letter and proof of ID. The same things happened on the return journey. The cost was 40 pounds each way.

Hope this helps.

June

luvwelly

No experience but I think realistically your partner, the father of this 12 year old needs to realise that moving to NZ will likely sever all connections - is this something he feels is worth the perceived benefits of a move to NZ?

If his mother is making it difficult for you to retain regular contact while in the same country, I don't see that she would co-operate any better once you are ten thousand miles away in NZ.
Living in NZ, there are difficulties in communication/making home visits which you only come to fully understand once you get here: the massive time zone difference - work it out - when would you be able to speak to a 12 year old...what slot in the day with a 12-13 hour gap (it's not as easy as it seems);
prohibitive cost of return travel on Kiwi wages - if he could travel unaccompanied (Not sure?) - how often could you afford to pay for him to come over, assuming co-operation from his mother? The UK and Kiwi school holidays are a bit different as well. The UK holidays (August) fall in NZ Winter etc etc . Have you researched the airfares as a percentage of your likely monthly take-home pay, the fares are currently a bit lower because of the recession.

He's entering his teens, an age when if you want influence in his life, you need to be there for him....difficult from such a distance. You need to make sure the benefits of the move to your immediate family outweigh the potential damage to your relationship with him.
If you are going to struggle here financially maybe because of not being in highly paid jobs (I don't know your work position) and you are therefore 'moving mountains to get here' believing it to offer a much better lifestyle than UK, then I would recommend asking hard questions about how realistic your impressions are...what are you basing your decision to move on? Do you realise you pay tax on every dollar earned (No UK six thousand pound tax free allowance per earner) and the current government has just announced they are planning to hike up GST (Indirect tax like VAT) ....so your figures will maybe need tweaking.
At the end of the day people are the most important thing in life above material possessions so no one should voluntarily sever links which are important to them lightly..because they are hard to repair.
It's bad enough when elderly parents struggle and get older and you are over 24 hours away on a plane. We are now planning annual home visits to UK because of this.

We are currently having a really poor summer after two good ones and I have just put my heating back on in the house AGAIN.

Hard choices....

forshy

I appreciate your honesty, its a difficult time , we have mulled and mulled over time differences and holidays webcams ets and i know it will not be easy but with technology today i dont believe we will ever sever any ties with him but do everything in our power to ensure that he has open communication with us even if we have to stay up until all hours

We are financially ok and I have a well paid job waiting so the cost of getting him over will be something we prioritise and I agree people are the most important thing in life but it was never going to be an easy decision.
we just have to make sure the channels of communication are as open as they can be
thanks
forshy

forshy

thanks June, it seems Emirates do something similar if you pay an adult flight, hope it doesnt come to that as family are coming out so he could come with them or a friend Im getting so stressed about it, cannot even bring ourselves to have a party as it feels exciting yet so sad too
our little girls would live in NZ tomorrow! little kiwi's already
forshy

forshy

thanks for your support, nice to know your there

Honeybug

Some hard choices ahead!
Emirates Airways are very good with unaccompanied minors on long hall flights.
Good luck with your move to NZ.
Also from Manchester!
Dei.

forshy

thankyou

bga

Hi, no experience of step-kids fortunately for me, I would hate to be in your situation regarding this. A few points regarding my experience. The time difference is a massive thing regarding communication, I dont think you realise this until experienced, secondly we use Skype all the time (ie webcam etc) it makes communication free and fun, as Grandads face is on a laptop and my 3 year old can interact with him nicely - Grandad reads a bedtime story some nights for example, he scans the pages of a book , emails them , we print 'em out and the little 'un can see the pictures as he's being read to. alls fine for the little 'un . My 10 year old loves grandad to death, BUT being 10 (going on 16) conversation is not a strong point for him as he gets distracted, he's very rarely in when grandad is due to call and doesn't want to hang around waiting for the call to come through, therefore the two of them don't communicate as often as they would like to. The point is that after a bit I wonder if your 12 yr old in the UK will not be in communication as often as u might hope, it would probably be difficult getting a conversation out of him whilst being in the same room when he becomes a teenager, and with the situation with mum being a bit difficult it wouldn't be hard for her to scupper any communication.. by the way my 10 year old has adjusted brilliantly to the move, just mentioned that as when your oldest is 10 your step-son will be 16/17 and will be able to make his own mind up then on where he wants to be, but would he want to move at that age ? another problem.... good luck with it all anyway.. hope it all works out for you

luvwelly

Likewise I have found the kids are reluctant to speak on phone or over Skype (when we do get our act together timezone wise) and grandparents must find this quite hurtful.
I think the kids find the remote communication weird but also think it is maybe painful for them to dwell on what and who they have left behind (and we haven't emigrated) and emotionally easier to just to try to get out of the conversation.
I am not saying you shouldn't make the move - just don't be under the illusion that maintaining communication will be easy. In our case grandparents although having computers are very reluctant to use Skype so I tend to phone them instead on my bill.
I'd like to phone my Mum now as I have a relative ill in hospital at the moment but I can't as it's the middle of the night for her. So I'll wait till 10pm tonight and it will still be too early to wake her up...it will be ok to phone at midnight NZ time (if I remember - it's scary how life here overrides the need).
E-mail DOES work well but do 12 year olds do e-mail? I suppose Facebook might work for you as well.
Issues like resentment/lack of relevance come into it as well...what do you have to say to someone whose life you don't really figure in anymore...the example of bedtime stories over Skype is remote communication at its best but for me it hasn't worked like that and I do fall back on longish monthly phone calls instead.
The closer your relationship before you left, the harder it is for them to accept that you've gone and sometimes their coping strategy is to minimise communication so that it becomes sporadic not on-going. I have found this has happened with friends too who have to move on without your physical presence so add the time zone...not a recipe for success.
The one plus is when people do visit, you get them 24/7 for several weeks maybe so it works out you see more of them than if you were living close by in UK.

j19fmm

A really tough situation, good luck with your move. I don't imagine for one minute you haven't thought of every scenario possible. And in all of this you're right you and your family have a right to your life too. What if you gave up your dream and then Mrs Ex stops the contact anyway? Follow your heart hun

forshy

thank you for your comments i really appreciate them, at the moment we feel like the worst parents in the world doing what we are doing, but also know that its the right thing for the little girls
I will take on board about skye and good idea with grandad and the story i love that
My step son is sport mad and we know if he comes over he will eventually move - but its hard as we cannot seem to be influencing him its a decision he can hopefully make when he has sampled both countries ( even though we secretly wish) until then the next 6 weeks are going to be tough
thanks again
forshy

forshy

I just needed that, thank you