rebeccainnz

I moved to Wellington 2 years ago - loving it and like the life. However, always intended to go home one day, maybe stay 2-5 years or so. Anyway been with boyfriend for a year (he came at same time but we didn't know each other). He has emigrated and intends to stay forever. I love him and think i could make a life with him. However, after only 1 year together he has given me an ultimatum.

He wants me to commit to staying here forever too, and if I won't then he doesn't want us to continue any longer. He wants to buy a house and settle but without the worry that i will want to go home.

We care about each other a lot but seem to have this one issue we can't agree on. I am at a loss about what to do. I'm 34 close to my friends and family back home. He is 37 and we both want kids and settle down. But he never wants to go home and i might want to.......

Wellington is great, but a whole life here,..... that's a big ask!

Any thought from anyone?????????????

Had Enough

I would say walk away now tbh. When you truly love someone you don't start laying down the law, you kinda make things up as you go along and he sounds unreasonable to me. Youd only resent him in the long term if he holds you back from doing what you need to do (ie: return home).. best of luck and be quick to dump him - miserable bastard.

Beachcombers

My thought, control freak!

You guys have been together for a year? Talk about putting the pressure on!

Is he "the one" in your eyes?

It your life Rebecca and it's your responsibility to live it. If you wish to share it with someone, then make sure that person is worthy of being your partner.

Sorry, but it sounds like he is being a insecure dick. (Aren't men complete bastards! )

Mandie

I'm not sure he's being a miserable bastard...He's just saying it like it is 'in my opinion'

He's saying he loves her, that to me is quite evident, but he's also saying that he won't return to the uk...SO, i think he's laying his cards on the table, being honest, sooooo there's no confusion in the months to come.

Ok, rebeccainnz I think you need to ask yourself a couple of questions...Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this man?
Do you want to have children with this man?

If the answer to those questions is Yes, then that is where your family is!!!

My family is myself, my children and my husband...of course i love the rest of my family (mum dad brother sister) but my real 'family' is myself, my children and my husband.

only you know what is right for you...NEVER, is a long time, and believe me once you have children i doubt if you'd want to bring them up in the uk anyway!!!

good luck in whatever you decide to do

rebeccainnz

thanks for the responsing.

In a way both is right. he is just laying his cards on the table (he says it would only be like him saying he didn't want kids). And he is probably being sensible by acknowledging that he is not willing to comprimise and so we can nip it in the bud now before it gets any harder.

On the other hand he is a control freak and i think he would really love to be able to get me to play by his rules entirely. he probably needs to find a much more subordinate girlfriend because that is not me. And if anything, that actual attitude is worse than him being unwilling to go home.

We are both strong willed and stubborn and a fair match for each other. So unless we both bend a little it really isn't a good start.


However, i would like to have a family with him and he is the centre of my world.

But maybe there is a bit of me that just wants that fairy tale to come true - wandering around the garden in bare feet surrounded by kids and flowers, sun shining in NZ blue sky etc etc. The reality is probably not quite that - draughty houses, windy Wellington and a miserable husband who won't comprimise!

I have an interview at 3 and then I think i will make my mind up and try and see him tonight.....

I can feel a nice glass of sav blanc will be needed later!

brussels_sprout

All's fair in love and war, only you know the answer !

rebeccainnz

Damn - i was hoping smarties did

lapsed kiwi

It sounds fair enough to me - much better to get this out of the way now than in 2,3 or 5 years' time when you've got a house, kids etc. It's a hard decision now but it's never going to get easier.

lapsed kiwi

PS - nice cheerful first post, welcome to the forum.

donnaf

I don't think you can ever say never - we have no intention of moving back to the UK but you don't know what life is going to throw at you. I would be devestated if we had to move back but if Danny couldn't continue to live here then there would have to be a compromise somewhere as I want to be with Danny more than I want to be in NZ. You say he is the centre of your world but are you the centre of his?
You've obviously got a lot to think about - good luck with your decision, I don't envy you.

rebeccainnz

thanks everyone so much. I have been transfixed by this site. Suddenly i have found a world of people in a similar situation who really undertsand. Friends and family back home just don't understand. And new friends here have their own stuff to deal with.

So good to get all the responses.

Last post re- am I the centre of his world. In all honesty, it doesn't sound like it does it!?!?! What a depressing thought. (made easier by the pinot gris in front of me!).

I have decided to get on with it and bring it to a head (I'm too weak to say 'end it'). I'm going to tell him tomorrow that i can't commit to 'forever' and I guess that means the end of the road.

After reading about all the heart ache of people just desperate to go home, I'm beginning to feel like this might be a lucky escape!



out of interest - are there any good stories of couple who had different plans but then it all worked out?????????????? (or am i just looking for a something to grasp onto?).

To add complication to life, I also am looking for a job as myine finished a few months ago. Big question will be ,..... do i stay in wellington or look somewhere else in the world?????? If I went elsewhere, would i just be running away?
Do i stay and get permanent residency(18 months more) or will i end up in the same situation???

Gosh life is tough.

But hell, 60 lengths in the pool followed by a large glass of wine has helped enormously!!!!

donnaf

Is there no middle ground or compromise? Your OH has laid his cards on the table but does he know how you feel? Maybe once you tell him how you feel you might be able to work something out.

Anyway, glad you're enjoying the site. I know what you mean about people understanding more here than in the real world. I used to speak about my "virtual" friends while still in the UK because I got so much support and advice here that I did class some of the members as friends - and now we've had the opportunity to meet some of them they are still a source of support and friendship. Anyway, look out for the meet ups, we're in Welly too so you might like to come and meet us in the flesh sometime and let us know how you're getting on. Good luck again

danny.f

Your Uncle Dan suggests the following....

Agree with what has been written before,he is being practical,seeing as you are 12,000 miles from home,this is an important juction in your relationship.
You obviously care for eachother,but why is it you who has to compromise?
Surely the relationship would suffer in the long run if there was such a significant disagreement as to where the relationship was to take place.

In my opinion you should get your 34 year old bottom to Tawa on Saturday,where 48 other aunties and uncles can take this one up,resulting in a drunken vote deciding probably your heart's future,no doubt based on the length of his penis,and his stamina.Alternatively,you could flip a coin,or play cards,or penalties or something.Good luck.

Fair enough? I think so.

rebeccainnz

ah Danny F
you speak such sense!

And I think i am coming to a similar conclusion. Only problem is that I might become pathetic and wobbly when i see him (d-day is tomorrow - i have decided!).

As for saturday night - sounds like just the ticket!

danny.f

Love,whatever you decide,come along,meet some brilliant people,get mashed with me wife and her mate,then stay in ours. And stay strong-remember it was him who split the road,you can decide which to take and move on with strength of leg and a distinct lack of wobble.