SSky

Do you think you have blended well with nz culture?
We've sort of shoehorned ourselves into the way of life but I always feel like I'm trying too hard.
I think I forgot how to relax and just 'be me' a loooong time ago.
My sons are grown and I have grandchildren here now so we are establishing deep roots in NZ but I just feel 'the wrong fit' lots.
I think I lost the real me a long time ago and struggle to know who I actually am a lot of times.
I've developed this really hard shell so you'd never know if you met me but inside I'm just a confused mush most of the time lol.
Anyways, I just wondered if any of you guys who had been living in NZ for a while would like to share :-)

Snap Shot

Yeah, I agree with the above. That's why I'm going home.

Bo-Jangles

Pretty well blended now to the point where many people are surprised when they find out that I am English or only been here x number of years. We've been past so many milestones and seen other people's kids grow up from babies etc and our history is beginning to build. We recently realised we've now been in NZ for more than half our married life and that feels quite strange but likewise yes still a great big expanse of 'something missing'.

I have made big efforts to get more 'involved' and stepped up the doses of 'harden up' medication to the point where I often no longer recognise myself.

When you're new here you are in a very vulnerable position and stick out a bit like a newborn baby gazelle in the Serengeti; being the weak little one that has limited knowledge of the other animals you're dealing with and limited access to the right people and /or resources you need to protect yourself from every other creature out there that wants to bite your ass.

I have stepped up way above and beyond my comfort zone in terms of dealing with unacceptable behaviour and mean, obnoxious people. I've become pretty adept at standing up for myself and other people because I find it an everyday battle here and you've really got to stand your ground in the workplace and not let people treat you like shit or walk all over you.

I don't really like the 'hardened up' version of person that I have become, I speak a language I no longer recognise but have found that change is necessary in order to appear to be coping and fitting in.

SSky

I often wonder about myself, I like yourself have hardened up beyond recognition.
I've felt funny inside like I'm going to BURST and then realised it's probably cos I wanted to cry but have suppressed that so much now that I just don't do it ... I just make myself numb and carry on.
I'm not wanting to make this a negative post at all, I just feel some times that I've lost the real me.
Do you feel exhausted ever, I've felt that. Totally exhausted from just living. I'm a comedian by nature so I take on life with a shit load of humour and I like to laugh lots. Life's not worth living if you can't laugh at it and yourself which has been difficult here lol as Kiwis struggle with my wit!

Sparkleydiva

Snap Shot - when are you moving back and where to? Good luck. I haven't missed much from NZ as yet, just a few of my work colleagues (who are Brits) who I still keep in touch with, the decent coffee and wine but that's about it so far!

Genesis

When I first got here back in 2005 I felt I had 'come home'. I now realise this was purely because the place was not an overcrowded place like the UK was and still is. Do I fit in NZ? Not at all. Not one bit. Don't like the psyche and to be frank I have issues with loads about NZ and kiwis. Won't go into them now.

But inspite of having gone thru a divorce, lost loads on the marital home and even more in the 2008 finance house melt down I am very happy here, I still have an excellent quality of life and really still revel in the unpopulous nature of NZ.

I love Wellington, volcanoes and the rugged, beautiful nature of the country. Even if I could afford to live in the UK as I do here I would not return much as there manifold things I miss. I love riding my motorbike on the empty roads. I still cannot believe how lucky I am to live here. Its a fanastic place for my teenage kids to have spent their formative years too. If only for them it was worth coming.

My kids are here, my partner is here and I accept the compromises I have to make to live here. They are all worth it.

I would not hesitate to recommend to anyone to spend some time living here, at whatever juncture you are in your life. My caveat as ever is do your research, but even when you have done that to death the only way you will ever know if it is for you is to live here a bit.

Not everyone likes the place and I totally get why so many leave. Horses for courses. But most are glad they came and tried it, but even happier to leave.

I am almost 58 and will live out my life here, I hope I will spend some time in the future living in Ireland, maybe 6 months or so as that is where 50% of my roots lay.

On that note, its the only country I really think I could live in other than NZ and maybe Scotland too.

MrsFychan

I agree you have to change yourself to fit in in any sort of way, I again agree that I don't recognise myself any longer and don't particularly like myself the way I am now but that's probably more to do with the depression and anxiety hopefully.
Mind you I don't recognise MrF much now either he has become less of a perfectionist here and that is some ways better but in others not so, things he would never let slide in the UK he does here and for me to notice that's huge. He has always been a mug at work so that hasn't changed.

Been here nearly 5 years, which was my get out time, but things have not panned out and saved money has depleted and I am resigned to the fact that any money should be put towards trying to make it here in NZ as in the long run that will be the cheaper option.

I do like the fact that we live 10mins drive from the beach and that has a calming effect, we are slowly doing up the house which means this year we can offer more social events to friends, mostly expats. I absolutely love the night sky but also makes me sad at times as I wish my mum could see it.
Letting the dogs run along the beach also makes my heart warm as that was never an option for us in the UK.

To be perfectly honest day to day life hasn't really changed much, still have to go work, have to shop, housework its just in a different location with different set of rules which I guess would be the same if you moved anywhere outside of your original county.
I am aware of more crime and poverty nearer to were I live here and we lived about 10miles from Croydon in the UK. The amount of Free for All and I know a family who are struggling type pages on FB astounds me and no longer am I trying to sell things on Trademe but hand out to the needy.
Being here nearly 5 years I do not know if these type of pages are now wide spread in the UK but none seem to appear on my UK friends time lines. - maybe that says something about my friends back in the UK

With hindsight would I do it again the answer would be No, but with a different journey than the one we have been though this post could possibly be completely different. I have met some of the nicest people I have known here, mostly expats, and I have also met some of the most awful people, some of them long term expats.

If you asked MrF though he would say the move has been good for him despite the lower wage and longer working hours, but then he doesn't have to do the finances and has always been a martyr when it comes to work as obviously he is the only one keeping the Company running (he has always worked in small Companies).

I do less comparison now and less, if only they did it this way it would be much easier/better, as they don't and you have to work with what you have.

I hope someone like Stormer999 comes along and has some input as I know they have had a completely different experience.

jmh

I recommend people visit some of the other countries on this forum. Brits have similar issues in Canada, the US etc - it's not you, and it's not NZ particularly, it's the migrant experience.

My own experience is as a Kiwi going to live in the UK for 24 years. I can relate to the 'lack of fit' and not being able to be myself in the UK. Trying to work out what I am expected to do and say so I don't stand out or offend someone. It was even more noticeable when I came home in 2011 and dealt with tradies etc - I found it so much easier relating with kiwi tradies and felt they understood and listened to me. I always felt there was some sort of distance between the British tradies I dealt with - I could never quite work out what level of 'friendly' was required. I definitely feel more 'connection' with my work colleagues here than I did in the UK. Don't get me wrong, I worked in very friendly environments, but I had some vague sense that I didn't quite fit in and that I was an outsider. I recall that I made friends and got on well with other migrants, e.g. Indians, Arabs etc who seemed to understand what I was saying.

Brits are much more self disclosing about their private life, so I had to learn to do that to try and fit in. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but of course here in NZ people don't generally discuss personal issues with people they hardly know! To a Brit that seems unfriendly, but to outsiders over-disclosure is superficial - I had a Czech person say that to me once.

As well as meeting other Brit expats, you may find it helpful to make friends with migrants from other countries who understand what being a migrant is like - and who you can complain about the cost of cucumbers to.

Justcol

sounds like a lot of pretending to be something you're ne going on in this thread
hardly surprising then that you don't feel settled, people want to know your genuine
not just a sycophant trying to fit in.
If you don't like something say so, if you don't like someone say so or leave them alone


I've never tried to be anything but the arsehole that I am, and it fits me fine
I'm happy and loving it

Pollyana

Not in NZ, but done 13 years in Australia.
Someone asked me once on here what I missed most from the UK - the answer was, and still is, My Life.

I don't have a life here, I exist. I go to work, might pop in the supermarket, come home, don't go out again till my next shift. each year my existence gets narrower and more hermit like. I'm over trying to fit in, over false friendships, and over Australia.

Roll on retirement then I shall go home.

Robbie2010

Been here nearly 13 yrs now and there's lots I like ... lack of people, the weather, scenery etc but it will never be home and I'd never pass the Norman Tebbit cricket test.
So it's goodbye NZ and back home to Blighty next year.

Bo-Jangles

I guess it helps if you're arsehole from the outset and couldn't care less what people say or do. Being an arsehole doesn't come naturally to many of us and it's quite the opposite of being a sycophant to fit in; for me its the necessity to release that inner arsehole and step up the evil biatch factor. Certainly I have adjusted adjust my tone, choice of the language, level of aggression and manner of speaking in order not to be taken advantage of. It does come quite naturally now because I am prepared and expect to have to respond in a certain way. LOL

Just driving on may way home from work today cemented those thoughts, as I unleash seven shades of colourful language and stand my ground to keep my space on the road without getting squished in the gutter. I never felt the need to be that person in the past.

Snap Shot

Thanks. We arrive at London Heathrow Airport mid morning on 6th November. The packers have been in all day today. I'm currently sitting here looking at a load of packed boxes. We ate tea off plates on our laps as the table has been packed !

The packers come again tomorrow to complete the packing then load the container.

I'll miss the house that was once home. I'll miss what became our home town here in NZ. However, once we move into our new area in Britain and settle into our new home and home town, New Zealand will just drift further into the past where it belongs.

I've got to take the Sky decoder box to the return location and get a receipt for it tomorrow. The washing machine rental company come tomorrow to collect the rented washing machine. They should have come today but didn't. I phoned them and vented my frustration. They're coming tomorrow.

That's just a microcosm of my to do list from hell !

After a few days rest recuperating from jetlag we go to Birmingham to start house hunting as the rents are better value for money up there. (I've just changed TradeMe for Right Move !)

We will then start looking for work in Birmingham and elsewhere in Britain.

Snap Shot

Yeah, I can relate to that all to readily. Part of returning to Britain is to get myself back. I've made more friends in the last 6 months with expatriates from other countries than I've made with kiwis in the preceding 5 years.

That's an American lady who likes me and was pleased to make my acquaintance. I messaged her on Facebook to say goodbye and she said she would miss me.

The other lady is from Thailand and she looked genuinely hurt when I said I was leaving the area.

Says it all about kiwis, frankly, as far as I'm concerned.

I've been deliberately shunned and ignored by kiwis in an exercise group I've been going to regularly for about four years. Basically, when there's an odd number in the group and the instructor asks us to pair up, that's me on my own again. Surprise surprise. I've asked someone to partner me and been told outright that they are paired with whomsoever.

I catch they eye of some of the people I've done voluntary work with in the past and they act like they don't recognise or remember me.

I've walked into a shop and someone has deliberately looked at the ground just to avoid so much as making eye contact.

Someone was nice to me at work once. I gave them a hearty smile the next day. I didn't even say hello, just smiled. She looked at me as if to say, 'alright love, cool it.' We never spoke or made eye contact again.

They are a funny lot, those kiwis.

Clappy

No. Was I supposed to be trying?

I am not one of them, never will be one of them and I am quite happy with that.

There are plenty of things that I like about how I can organise my life here but none of those involve what could be considered the commonplace 'kiwi lifestyle choices'. My friends are a mixture of expats and New Zealanders that have spent some time living overseas. I don't really mix with the locals.