Go Back  British Expats > Living & Moving Abroad > New Zealand
Reload this Page >

Sick relatives what to do????

Sick relatives what to do????

Old Dec 4th 2018, 5:33 pm
  #1  
Just Joined
Thread Starter
 
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 7
Errrrrm is just really niceErrrrrm is just really niceErrrrrm is just really niceErrrrrm is just really niceErrrrrm is just really niceErrrrrm is just really niceErrrrrm is just really niceErrrrrm is just really nice
Default Sick relatives what to do????

Well my dad 76 is seriously I’ll in hospital been in4 weeks and looks to need a care home still not leaving hospital anytime soon due to needing more tests . Now found out my sister is being admitted on 21 dec for a big op too. That just leaves my healthy brother! So do I go say Boxing Day to help out???? I’m so torn as I want to go but myyou g family here need me too
what would you do
Errrrrm is offline  
Old Dec 4th 2018, 6:01 pm
  #2  
Finally mesh free!
 
Vitalstatistix's Avatar
 
Joined: Mar 2008
Location: Gulf Harbour, Whangaparaoa
Posts: 6,491
Vitalstatistix has a reputation beyond reputeVitalstatistix has a reputation beyond reputeVitalstatistix has a reputation beyond reputeVitalstatistix has a reputation beyond reputeVitalstatistix has a reputation beyond reputeVitalstatistix has a reputation beyond reputeVitalstatistix has a reputation beyond reputeVitalstatistix has a reputation beyond reputeVitalstatistix has a reputation beyond reputeVitalstatistix has a reputation beyond reputeVitalstatistix has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Sick relatives what to do????

Sorry to hear about your dad and your sister. I understand about feeling very torn by this but what is your gut feeling telling you.
Reading between the lines I think that you want to stay with your family here more than returning. You pointed out that your brother is healthy, so he's perfectly capable of taking care of things over there
Perhaps you could arrange to go over at some point next year if that would work for you. Your main duty is to your own family firstly.
I think we all know and feel it in our hearts if we have to go and therefore only you can know what you need to do.
Vitalstatistix is offline  
Old Dec 4th 2018, 10:08 pm
  #3  
BE Site Lead & Admin
 
BEVS's Avatar
 
Joined: Oct 2003
Location: Below
Posts: 32,625
BEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Sick relatives what to do????

Originally Posted by Errrrrm View Post
Well my dad 76 is seriously I’ll in hospital been in4 weeks and looks to need a care home still not leaving hospital anytime soon due to needing more tests . Now found out my sister is being admitted on 21 dec for a big op too. That just leaves my healthy brother! So do I go say Boxing Day to help out???? I’m so torn as I want to go but my family here need me too
what would you do
What would I do? I would go but then that's just me. In fact I did just that in 2009.

You will have many more days with your family in NZ then you will have with your old Dad. Your sister will get a lovely boost at a worrying time. Your brother get your support . Your NZ family learn the value of love for family over self . They will cope.

It may be over the festive period and holiday season here in NZ but it will not be forever.

Big hugs . Go be with your Dad and siblings, hopefully with your own family's blessings. You clearly love them all.

M
x
BEVS is offline  
Old Dec 5th 2018, 2:00 am
  #4  
MODERATOR
 
MrsFychan's Avatar
 
Joined: Oct 2011
Location: Wellington - I miss Castles, the NHS & English school system
Posts: 8,842
MrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Sick relatives what to do????

personally for me it would depend on when you last saw them. If its likely that your father may pass would you want to see him before hand, have you discussed this scenario with family?
My inlaws have told us not to go back for funerals or serious illnesses, as they would want us to remember them as fit and able, but they are fairly on top of financial things so there shouldn't be anything like that to sort out and they loved NZ and would want some sort of remembrance here for them. whereas my mum and brothers are a bit useless with all that so that would come down to exactly what is going on and if it could be sorted from here or not.
As for your sister, that would come down to what other help she has available to her and if she just could not cope on her own, also depends on how close you are and of you want to....

tricky one
MrsFychan is offline  
Old Dec 5th 2018, 2:13 am
  #5  
Just Joined
Thread Starter
 
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 7
Errrrrm is just really niceErrrrrm is just really niceErrrrrm is just really niceErrrrrm is just really niceErrrrrm is just really niceErrrrrm is just really niceErrrrrm is just really niceErrrrrm is just really nice
Default Re: Sick relatives what to do????

Thanks for the replies, my sister has said to not come and to wait until I am really needed. I guess I just feel a bit useless and that I am letting my dad down 😢
Errrrrm is offline  
Old Dec 5th 2018, 2:33 am
  #6  
BE Site Lead & Admin
 
BEVS's Avatar
 
Joined: Oct 2003
Location: Below
Posts: 32,625
BEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Sick relatives what to do????

Originally Posted by Errrrrm View Post
Thanks for the replies, my sister has said to not come and to wait until I am really needed. I guess I just feel a bit useless and that I am letting my dad down 😢
Aw. She would say that. So would you to her if the boot was on the other foot I bet. It may be out of financial concern for you as let's face it , flights to and fro are not cheap are they.

It is not about letting someone down at all. You are not letting him down.

Remember it is possible to feel a bit useless from anywhere, whether from afar or from right there in the room with the person. It is also possible to miss or be a touch too late for the 'really needed' boat to be honest.

It is a difficult one. Family members often seek to protect those far away.

Really you need to know what you want. Do you want to go be with your family in the UK. Or do you want to stay put .

Have you a plan to visit the UK soon? When did you last see them all?
BEVS is offline  
Old Dec 5th 2018, 3:24 am
  #7  
Finally mesh free!
 
Vitalstatistix's Avatar
 
Joined: Mar 2008
Location: Gulf Harbour, Whangaparaoa
Posts: 6,491
Vitalstatistix has a reputation beyond reputeVitalstatistix has a reputation beyond reputeVitalstatistix has a reputation beyond reputeVitalstatistix has a reputation beyond reputeVitalstatistix has a reputation beyond reputeVitalstatistix has a reputation beyond reputeVitalstatistix has a reputation beyond reputeVitalstatistix has a reputation beyond reputeVitalstatistix has a reputation beyond reputeVitalstatistix has a reputation beyond reputeVitalstatistix has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Sick relatives what to do????

Originally Posted by Errrrrm View Post
Thanks for the replies, my sister has said to not come and to wait until I am really needed. I guess I just feel a bit useless and that I am letting my dad down 😢
I've had that feeling in the past too, so I get it but you are absolutely not letting your dad down at all.
You know your sister best of all and whether she's protecting you or being straight with you. I have one brother who is honest to the point of bluntness and another who doesn't like to deal in hard facts. I trust the former on anything to do with my parent's health.
So you just have to go with what you feel you need to do for you. What decision will give you the greater peace of mind, stay or go? It's not an easy choice, I've been there. So far I haven't regretted the decisions I've made when in similar situations to yourself.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
Vitalstatistix is offline  
Old Dec 5th 2018, 3:33 am
  #8  
Just Joined
Thread Starter
 
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 7
Errrrrm is just really niceErrrrrm is just really niceErrrrrm is just really niceErrrrrm is just really niceErrrrrm is just really niceErrrrrm is just really niceErrrrrm is just really niceErrrrrm is just really nice
Default Re: Sick relatives what to do????

my Dad brought me up by himself, my siblings are a lot older than me. It was always me and him which is why I feel I need to be with him. I last saw him in person 3 years ago when he came here to visit. The only time I’ve been back to Uk was 7 years ago for a family funeral. The other siblings are always embarrassed by him ( he’s an alcoholic) I never judge him.
If it was just me I would go in a heartbeat but i guess I don’t think my partner will be supportive of me going
Errrrrm is offline  
Old Dec 5th 2018, 4:35 am
  #9  
BE Site Lead & Admin
 
BEVS's Avatar
 
Joined: Oct 2003
Location: Below
Posts: 32,625
BEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Sick relatives what to do????

Originally Posted by Errrrrm View Post
my Dad brought me up by himself, my siblings are a lot older than me. It was always me and him which is why I feel I need to be with him. I last saw him in person 3 years ago when he came here to visit. The only time I’ve been back to Uk was 7 years ago for a family funeral. The other siblings are always embarrassed by him ( he’s an alcoholic) I never judge him.
If it was just me I would go in a heartbeat but i guess I don’t think my partner will be supportive of me going
Alcoholism , just like all vices , compulsive addictions and obsessions , comes in all forms. You are right to not judge him in this unless perhaps if he ever neglected, was indifferent to or abused you. Then perhaps one might have a jaundiced view depending on what happened in the past. Whatever, making peace and seeing beyond someone's mental health & issues is healthy. He brought you up well IMO.

Okays. Let me make one judgement here then simply coz I can. I'm a bit naughties like that sometimes. Your partner should not seek to influence but should listen to & support whatever decision you make. Nurture your thinking process and help. That is your Dad.

Your siblings may well have a negative bias and that might colour their own judgement calls but that is theirs to own and live with, not yours or even your Dad's. I actually think that is sad for we are none of us perfect.

They could advise based on their relationship with their Dad without considering your own relationship with your Dad & he with you. Do you see what I'm saying here.

Dad was 73 last time you were with him. He is now 76.

So - few more questions.

If your Dad with it mentally? Does he, would he know who you are?

Would you prefer to see your Dad whilst he was still here. The living Dad?


How would you feel if he passed away and you did not see him again?

Has your partner got parents still? Is he close? Does he care and love them?
BEVS is offline  
Old Dec 5th 2018, 5:10 am
  #10  
Just Joined
Thread Starter
 
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 7
Errrrrm is just really niceErrrrrm is just really niceErrrrrm is just really niceErrrrrm is just really niceErrrrrm is just really niceErrrrrm is just really niceErrrrrm is just really niceErrrrrm is just really nice
Default Re: Sick relatives what to do????

Originally Posted by BEVS View Post
Alcoholism , just like all vices , compulsive addictions and obsessions , comes in all forms. You are right to not judge him in this unless perhaps if he ever neglected, was indifferent to or abused you. Then perhaps one might have a jaundiced view depending on what happened in the past. Whatever, making peace and seeing beyond someone's mental health & issues is healthy. He brought you up well IMO.

Okays. Let me make one judgement here then simply coz I can. I'm a bit naughties like that sometimes. Your partner should not seek to influence but should listen to & support whatever decision you make. Nurture your thinking process and help. That is your Dad.

Your siblings may well have a negative bias and that might colour their own judgement calls but that is theirs to own and live with, not yours or even your Dad's. I actually think that is sad for we are none of us perfect.

They could advise based on their relationship with their Dad without considering your own relationship with your Dad & he with you. Do you see what I'm saying here.

Dad was 73 last time you were with him. He is now 76.

So - few more questions.

If your Dad with it mentally? Does he, would he know who you are?

Would you prefer to see your Dad whilst he was still here. The living Dad?


How would you feel if he passed away and you did not see him again?

Has your partner got parents still? Is he close? Does he care and love them?

dads rambling, incoherent and forgetful, some days others are better.he doesn’t know where he is somedays, but all he says is that He just wants to go home ( that looks very unlikely, at the very least he’s looking at respite then care home) We’re waiting on another mri to see the state of his liver etc....
Errrrrm is offline  
Old Dec 5th 2018, 5:19 am
  #11  
BE Site Lead & Admin
 
BEVS's Avatar
 
Joined: Oct 2003
Location: Below
Posts: 32,625
BEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Sick relatives what to do????

dad's rambling, incoherent and forgetful, some days others are better.he doesn’t know where he is somedays
Heck. We've all been that when poorly. I've been there myself when in critical care . My own Dad was never like except when in hospital for a year when in his early 70's . My Mum was like that with her brain tumour at 64 but speak to her and it was all focus. She knew.

Can you speak direct with his social worker?


At 76 his organs & brain will be for the age of 76. Good going.

Would he know you ? Feel you? See you?
BEVS is offline  
Old Dec 5th 2018, 5:21 am
  #12  
Just Joined
Thread Starter
 
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 7
Errrrrm is just really niceErrrrrm is just really niceErrrrrm is just really niceErrrrrm is just really niceErrrrrm is just really niceErrrrrm is just really niceErrrrrm is just really niceErrrrrm is just really nice
Default Re: Sick relatives what to do????

Yes he would know who I am somedays, it’s hit and miss with him ☺️
Errrrrm is offline  
Old Dec 5th 2018, 5:25 am
  #13  
BE Site Lead & Admin
 
BEVS's Avatar
 
Joined: Oct 2003
Location: Below
Posts: 32,625
BEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond reputeBEVS has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Sick relatives what to do????

Originally Posted by Errrrrm View Post
Yes he would know who I am somedays, it’s hit and miss with him ☺️
Is this via skype with him or telephone calls? It has been 3 years.

Bottom line really.

Do you just want to go and be with this very elderly man one more time.
BEVS is offline  
Old Dec 5th 2018, 8:05 pm
  #14  
BE Enthusiast
 
Spacecake799's Avatar
 
Joined: Apr 2006
Location: Was Torbay, NZ now North Yorkshire UK
Posts: 809
Spacecake799 has a reputation beyond reputeSpacecake799 has a reputation beyond reputeSpacecake799 has a reputation beyond reputeSpacecake799 has a reputation beyond reputeSpacecake799 has a reputation beyond reputeSpacecake799 has a reputation beyond reputeSpacecake799 has a reputation beyond reputeSpacecake799 has a reputation beyond reputeSpacecake799 has a reputation beyond reputeSpacecake799 has a reputation beyond reputeSpacecake799 has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Sick relatives what to do????

Originally Posted by Errrrrm View Post
Yes he would know who I am somedays, it’s hit and miss with him ☺️
Hi, sorry to hear about your dad. If I might just add....we left NZ, one reason being if anything happened to someone in our very small family we would not be able to afford to go back home. So part of our decision was based on not being willing to not see them again.
As it happens things did not go as I had thought but it was the right decision for us.
Spacecake799 is offline  
Old Dec 6th 2018, 6:42 pm
  #15  
MODERATOR
 
MrsFychan's Avatar
 
Joined: Oct 2011
Location: Wellington - I miss Castles, the NHS & English school system
Posts: 8,842
MrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond reputeMrsFychan has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Sick relatives what to do????

from your comment since my last post I think you need to consider going back, the fact that your partner may not be supportive of this decision is their problem not yours, its your dad and you generally only get one of those in your life time so he needs respect that. From what you are saying I think you may well regret not going back if something happened to him whilst you were still debating the idea.

Last edited by MrsFychan; Dec 7th 2018 at 2:32 am.
MrsFychan is offline  

Contact Us Archive Advertising Cookie Policy Privacy Statement Terms of Service

Copyright © 2018 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved. Use of this site indicates your consent to the Terms of Use.