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Should we stay or should we go? - Beware its a novel!

Should we stay or should we go? - Beware its a novel!

Old Mar 20th 2008, 6:33 am
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Default Should we stay or should we go? - Beware its a novel!

Moved to New Zealand last October with husband (who is a returning Kiwi) and two children - a girl of 5 and a boy 2. We were going to live in Tauranga - husband had never lived there that was decided from a 4 night stay last christmas. Husband got a job and started daughter in school and very nearly bought a house but we both felt something wasnt quite right - we then decided on Wellington as husband has two brothers there and a very close friend and better job opportunities for both of us. We moved to Wellington end of last year and had purchased and moved into a house in Lower Hutt just before Christmas. My husband looked for a job and whilst he was looking his brothers child died who was only 4. This quite rightly and understandably set things bac. My husband then tried to look for a job again but still no joy - he is on the admin side in investment banking. I work it IT and those of you in Wellington will know there is loads of work so I started work a couple of weeks ago as made sense for one of us to work. I am paid a good wage, can walk to work and can do flexible hours.

We left the UK as the crime, schools all rubbish but have come to NZ and realised that it has its own problems. I really miss my friends and the you can get anything you want when you want thing about London and I hate my job. I know the obvious thing to say is you havent given it long enough but if we went back within the next 6 months my husband would find it much easier to get his old job back. My husband is a lot more 'flexible' than me re where we live but I want to do the right thing for us all. In London we had a really good social life and here we can be mortage free and afford private schools. To me a decision based on finance seems wrong and think that myself and daughter (son to young, husband not sure) would be happier in the UK.

Lots of people on this forum who love it and lots who hate it - how do you know if it is just culture shock/natural if you leave what you know or if it is never going to be right for your family? There was a post a couple of weeks ago someone who had been here for 5 years and so much of what she said (finding NZ dull and uninspiring etc) is just how I feel.

How do you know this is right or not right for you? Any one felt like me after 6 months then gone on to love it?
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Old Mar 20th 2008, 6:56 am
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Default Re: Should we stay or should we go? - Beware its a novel!

We've only been here since Jan 1st this year.
I understand what you mean about feeling isolated away from friends and family and a lack of social life.
I'm a bit of a billy-no-mates at the moment, but it's early days.
We love it here, the good and the bad. To us the good far out ways the bad
We get to do so much more as a family than we ever did in the UK. You're never far from a beach, the bush or anywhere really.
My Kids are now 10 and 8, they weren't too happy about coming over here, but now they don't want ot go back. They've recently started horseriding lessons, something we'd never have been able to do in the UK.
Money can be tight, but we've just adjusted to things here and spend more time going to the beach and walks
No-one can make the decision for you, but me, I'd give it up to a year before you make your minds up once and for all.
Whatever you decide, I hope you'll be happy.

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Old Mar 20th 2008, 6:59 am
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Default Re: Should we stay or should we go? - Beware its a novel!

Have you tried writting down all those things you actually want in life - material and non-material?

Compare that to your hubby's, the list might give you an insight into where you position yourselves.

Of course as a parent I have been looking towards the furture of my two, but again they are young enough to adapt. There must have been a reason you left your comfort zone in the UK, that was above and beyond the norm (crime etc etc). Perhaps you need to revisit that idea to give you a second wind?

Moving to the other side of the planet is a massive commitment and to up root and turn around so soon, I personally would feel I didnt give myself or the country enough time.

If its adult friends you are looking for the P'Posse are always welcoming. For the kids, most of the gang have children around the ages of yours, so that would suit.

Hobbies, have you thought what you want to do, rather than staring at those four walls?

It is really hard to compare the two capitals, if you want the more rushed life and everything on your doorstep perhaps it's Auckland that would float your boat?

Can you compare the Thames to the views you experience within ten minutes walk/drive?

I assume that you have a webcam and your friends family can contact you via email/phone as well?

One question I would ask (dont want to sound rude) how many of your friends have said "wish I could do what your doing"?

Just my 2 cents worth, I am in the honeymoon period so my insight might be different to those that have been around a little longer.

dont forget... life is what you make it, you come into and out of the world on your own... try to keep the people you love happy and nothing is impossible. It is all in your mind, believe hard and positive enough about something and you have already conquered your problem!

I am sure you know where you want to be deep down. If you have already made your mind up then impulse is great, but make sure that you still do a risk assessment before you just get up and go/stay.

Right, my rant over... someone elses turn to give this undecided lady/family their comments.

Last edited by dribble; Mar 20th 2008 at 7:15 am. Reason: the Mrs was on grammar and spelling duties
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Old Mar 20th 2008, 7:26 am
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Default Re: Should we stay or should we go? - Beware its a novel!

I think that even the happy long-termers on here have periods when they wonder why they did it. Some of them even mention that they hate their jobs and would like to move on - but elsewhere in NZ.

Nowhere is going to tick all the boxes all of the time.

You've just had a series of quite stressful events in your life - emigrating to a new country, buying a house, and the tragic loss of a child within in the close family. It's a lot to have gone through in a very short space of time and after the initial euphoria of actually get here has worn off you sound as if you've hit the ground with a thud.

Talk it over with your husband and see how you both feel about things and how long you're prepared to give it to see if it works.

If you can afford it a short trip back to the UK may be enough to remind you why you left and whether or not you've got what you want in life.
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Old Mar 20th 2008, 9:33 am
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Default Re: Should we stay or should we go? - Beware its a novel!

Superb post there from Nerine

Honestly? I'd say 6 months is too soon to know. The dust has barely settled at that point and, as you say, you've also moved cities in that time. Having said that, if you hate it then it's very hard to change that mindset, so you might be better off cutting your losses. If you're in two minds and could make a positive resolve to give it a decent innings (in terms of mindset, no idea about actual timescale), you'd feel better about your decision to leave if you do go back having given it a fair go and you'd be relieved you worked through the early days difficulties if you come to love it and stay. win-win.

I have some very down days still at 14 months in and it actually doesn't feel like I've been here very long. I keep a diary, which helps me to realise what a process settling is. Good luck
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Old Mar 20th 2008, 9:56 am
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Default Re: Should we stay or should we go? - Beware its a novel!

Listen to your heart about where your future lies: never ever feel that if you do decide to move back to the UK that this has been a wasted venture; rather think that you have dared to make this move when many, many others would sell their souls to have the bravery to do what you have done.
I have found my move here to have been brilliant. I have huge 'down days' but they are to do with my own personal circumstances, not anything to do with New Zealand itself.
Not any help whatsoever - sorry
Just wanted you to know that I have read your post and really feel for you and how difficult this must be for you right now - karma to you.
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Old Mar 20th 2008, 5:43 pm
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Default Re: Should we stay or should we go? - Beware its a novel!

Thanks for all your replies - some good points made! We really do need to sit down and think about what it is we both really want and where we are most likely to get it. We are off to Christchurch today for the weekend so will give us some time together to think about what we are going to do. As someone said nowhere is going to tick all the boxes but need to sort out which are the most important ones for us.
Thanks again
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Old Mar 22nd 2008, 4:32 am
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Default Re: Should we stay or should we go? - Beware its a novel!

Originally Posted by oolie View Post
Moved to New Zealand last October with husband (who is a returning Kiwi) and two children - a girl of 5 and a boy 2. We were going to live in Tauranga - husband had never lived there that was decided from a 4 night stay last christmas. Husband got a job and started daughter in school and very nearly bought a house but we both felt something wasnt quite right - we then decided on Wellington as husband has two brothers there and a very close friend and better job opportunities for both of us. We moved to Wellington end of last year and had purchased and moved into a house in Lower Hutt just before Christmas. My husband looked for a job and whilst he was looking his brothers child died who was only 4. This quite rightly and understandably set things bac. My husband then tried to look for a job again but still no joy - he is on the admin side in investment banking. I work it IT and those of you in Wellington will know there is loads of work so I started work a couple of weeks ago as made sense for one of us to work. I am paid a good wage, can walk to work and can do flexible hours.

We left the UK as the crime, schools all rubbish but have come to NZ and realised that it has its own problems. I really miss my friends and the you can get anything you want when you want thing about London and I hate my job. I know the obvious thing to say is you havent given it long enough but if we went back within the next 6 months my husband would find it much easier to get his old job back. My husband is a lot more 'flexible' than me re where we live but I want to do the right thing for us all. In London we had a really good social life and here we can be mortage free and afford private schools. To me a decision based on finance seems wrong and think that myself and daughter (son to young, husband not sure) would be happier in the UK.

Lots of people on this forum who love it and lots who hate it - how do you know if it is just culture shock/natural if you leave what you know or if it is never going to be right for your family? There was a post a couple of weeks ago someone who had been here for 5 years and so much of what she said (finding NZ dull and uninspiring etc) is just how I feel.

How do you know this is right or not right for you? Any one felt like me after 6 months then gone on to love it?
Do you remember, when you asked me what I thought about New Zealand and I said that I absolutely loved it but that something just wasn't right. You looked at me, like I had lost my marbles - I guess you are going through that stage now!! PLEASE give it a bit more time. What you need is a night out with a couple of bottles of Bolly - me thinks its time, for the Fairy and I to pay a visit!
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Old Mar 22nd 2008, 7:46 am
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Default Re: Should we stay or should we go? - Beware its a novel!

Originally Posted by Liz & Co View Post
Do you remember, when you asked me what I thought about New Zealand and I said that I absolutely loved it but that something just wasn't right. You looked at me, like I had lost my marbles - I guess you are going through that stage now!! PLEASE give it a bit more time. What you need is a night out with a couple of bottles of Bolly - me thinks its time, for the Fairy and I to pay a visit!
Bolly Fairy has packed wand and is awaiting instructions ... anytime soon is good for me! It'll all seem much clearer after a few bottles with me & liz ...
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