Emyorks

Hi

We're moving out to NZ at the end of Jan and have been planning it all for a while and have kept parents updated along the way and do understand why its hard for them.

My in laws, despite the obvious one of missing seeing their grandson nearly every day, have been really good about it all.

My parents ...not so good! Infact pretty much no comment... About anything! ( Sometimes you would like no comment from your parents... but now its just draining)

I'm sure some of you may have found this... has it got anybetter once you are out there? Have some parents had a complete turnaround when they have visited??( i live in hope!!)

yorkshire girl

Hi Emyorks'
My parents understood the reasons why we were coming but found it so hard.My mum said things like "we will never see you again" and "why are you doing this to me" I suppose its their way of dealing with it all.They have visited once and loved it so much they are planning to retire here.We talk almost daily(phone cards make the calls cheap-3 cents a min) and have a web cam so they can chat to to kids.
I think its worth keeping them involved as mine were not happy about us coming but now are so pleased we did.Hope that helps a little!

CAN2NZ

My mom was really upset with me and though we didn't surprise her, she didn't like talking about it in the time leading up to our leaving. We saw my mom for our usual little day trip we do with her on August 11 2006. We didn't leave for almost three more weeks, but she wouldn't see us. She cried alot at home my father said. He came to see us off at my sister's a few days before we left.

My mom said she didn't raise her kids to grow up and leave for so far away. However, we realized that once we were more than a few hours away by car, we really wouldn't see much of anyone anyway, though it would be much easier to than where we are now.

We have spoken almost each Sunday morning for the last 14 and a half months on the webcam using Skype. The kids have parcelled up their home made and school made treasures and sent them off to her in a package. We also take photos and short videos, spruce them up using an editor and put them together is short movies set to music. We make a few of these per year and send them home to everyone on a dvd. I usually send photos home a few times per month. My mom likes to see the kids. She is so much better now, though she does miss the contact, she does at least get to interact with the webcam and we involve her via the photos so she has lots to talk about with us about what is going on.

I am not expecting to see my mom again. I doubt that she will visit us. She will be 70 this year in December. She does not relish the long flight. She said when we left she would never see us or the children again, and that is the part that has hurt her. More on not seeing the grandchildren. I understand her feelings very well and so go more than the extra mile in communicating to her and sending her things and photos. I know she appreciates it.

A cyber relationship is never as good as the real thing, but we find that with the modern methods of communicating, that the distance is bridged. It would be so different to moving here 20 years ago.

This is the hardest part about moving so far. You are really on your own and have to wait 20 years for your own kids to grow and get married. Then, life will be normal. But there is a lost generation. We are real pioneers, though we are not carving a living out of the wilderness, it is the same life experience.

luvwelly

That all sounds so sad and surely unnecessary....the original pioneers didn't have the benefit of the jet engine...why on earth can't you go back and visit her occasionally?

mickey_d

She ought to come here, she'd love it.

My parents are coming in 3 weeks for a 8 week stay, they are 75 & 79.
It's only the second time they will have flown in their lives, the first time they flew, they had to do an emergency landing at East Midlands Airport & slide down the emergency chutes. If they can do it anybody can.

Emyorks

Cheers for the replies

The parents will visit - even though one of my mums arguments for us not going was my dad doesn't like flying...news to my dad i think!!! (I hope they don't ever have to do the escape chute thing or that might be the end of their trips!!)

We are so looking forward to it and its hard being made to feel guilty all the time.

I just hope once they see where we are and that we are happy the attitude will change a little... and its only a 24hr flight away!! And that we will keep in frequent contact, probably more than i do now, and i only live 3 miles dowm the road!!

Animal Crackers

My mum has not spoken to me since we mentioned that we were emigrating (not for 2 years may I add!!) and when we told my inlaws all they said was "That'll be nice!" they are people of few words

lardyl

There's nowt as queer as folk...............??

Seriously though, get/give the parents and in-laws a cheapo laptop/PC and a webcam, these wonders of modern technology are truly that and don't cost the earth now - may dad took over my old UK internet account so I can still have "that" email address........
As far as attitudes of your family and friends go then it is often coping strategies that manifest themselves in "avoidance", "internalisation" or "anger" - there is not much you can do about that other than be sensitive/firm I suppose and maybe soften the blow by reassuring them that you will keep in touch, the world is a smaller place and you really do love them!
As far as flying back to the UK every so-and-so goes, well that may be all well and good if you have the disposable income, just don't count on it - I had cash to burn in the UK and now I am "poor as"...............

lardyl

that must be *hard* I assume that there are no grandchildren involved ??

Animal Crackers

Yes we have 2 girls aged 5 and 12. My mum and dad live opposite and we saw them everyday and now they haven't seen us or the girls for 5 weeks now!! I'm not too bothered about the inlaws as they aren't the loving emotional type!!

CAN2NZ

Its interesting to see that the experience we had was not so different. I am glad that my mom is over it now, though we still miss her and she misses the kids. It would cost us almost $15000 to fly back and have a visit not counting anything other than airfare. With mortgage rates at 9% it is better to put it on the mortage. That amount represents a huge chunk on the mortagage and going back for a visit wold mean a few more years of paying on the house. Hard to trade a couple of weeks for a few years.

Anyway, we hope that the will come out and visit in the next couple of years.

I put it to her that she is saving a bit of money as she no longer has to drive to see us and there are no long distance phone calls. Against that she has a little bit of postage when sending out a present to the kids at birthday time.

lardyl

strewth - ours are the same about seeing the kids and they were with them every day in the last three weeks before we went and both sets of parents were supportive.
Are your kids the only grandkids? Ours are and it is/was hard for my parents - who are over for 3 months starting in about 10 days......

Animal Crackers

Yep they are my brother has 2 boys but my parents have never seen them!! My brothers choice not theirsbut the way my mums going she'll have none at all. Which as you can imagine is hearbreaking for us

Here comes the sun

I think its a natural reaction and it depends on the age of the parents you are leaving behind. My grandparents are in there 80's and its likely to be the last time i ever see them when we leave. My parents are in their 50's so travelling for them isnt really an issue and they can use a computer! I imagine if your parents are older they will worry about having familly to help them out as they get older or in ill health.

If i was staying in the UK and my mum anounced she was off to NZ I would be devastated and probally say "what about your grandchild?" It cant be easy for the people left behind especially when everything is exciting and new for the people emmigrating.

My mum has accepted we are going and is currently in NZ visiting my sister and she cant believe what a beautiful place it is, but i wouldnt expect her to get excited about my plans.

My husbands parents are completely in denial and will probally bury there heads in the sand before pouring on the emotional black mail just before we go! I doubt they will visit as they cant last more than an hour without a cigarette! (this is there main reason for not even contemplating going to NZ to visit) but we will keep them involved and make sure they can use a web cam before we leave.

happynz

I find that incredible. Imagine...