Jan n Neil

Curious if anyone has thought of this?

I have a grown up son (35) who is not here in NZ. He has a very good career and income, a life, a home, a girl etc.

He has been here once to see me but is not keen to return to NZ, as he would like to visit other places in the world too, he tells me. I see him everytime we go to the UK, about once a year.

I am middle aged (some would say ) and not every mother gets up and leaves the UK for such a far flung destination. He and I both know it's as permanent as it gets cos I am not going back to the UK.

He implied recently that he may not come over to NZ any time soon to see me as it was "my decision to leave" . I guess he feels I should go back to the UK if I want to see him? I have mixed feelings about that statement.... we left to come to NZ for a golden opportunity and it has worked out for us as a couple. But of course I miss him dreadfully and do wish he would come out here to see us, even every two years? (he can afford it).

Hmmmm would welcome anyone else's thoughts if they left older children in the UK

ta

Jan

jmh

Yeah I can sorta see what he's getting at. He has no desire to move here, and he feels no duty as a son to do so either. If it had been the other way round, i.e. he had come over here and you were back in the UK then although he might not desire to live in the UK he might feel some filial duty to return or visit more often. Since it was you who made the choice he doesn't have that same sense of duty.

My brother is in the UK and has no comprehension of how my parents feel (he moved there, they live here). Partly because he is caught up in the stress of being a husband/parent of young kids with a stressful job, and partly because he is male. LOL. Guys seem to be able to disconnect from family more.

Also, he may be able to afford to come to NZ but he may not have the time off, especially if he wants to travel to other places with his girlfriend.

He may change his feelings when he has a family of his own. Hard to say. My brother hasn't but there may be other things at play there.

MOSO

You've probably already thought of this, but could you arrange to meet somewhere else in the world - sort of half way? USA or Asia or even Oz. Could it be a possiblity if he doesn't want to spend his money coming here again.

Jan n Neil

Interesting view - that would mean we were both "on holiday" with each other, something we havent done as mother/son since he was a teenager

We do feel somewhat that we should to go to the UK anyway, if we can, to see other (older) rellies too who won't/can't travel to us here in NZ.

If he came here sometimes though for a holiday, I would see him more often. I am learning that probably isn't going to happen though ....

Jan

RobDon

Different circumstances and ages, but when we left our son Jack (19 at the time, and regular user of my BE account, as many of you will know!) he more or less said exactly the same thing.
He told us straight, before we had even moved that he would not come over to NZ "any time soon" as it was "our decision to leave" . This broke all our hearts but we stood firm and 5 of us moved over.
2 years and 1 month later he made the move and arrived to stay.


Not exactly the same circumstances I know, but essentially he tried to emotionally blackmail us into getting his own way. He has since admitted he said what he did to try and shock us into staying, which of course didnt work.
Possibly your son is trying the same sort of approach?

Justcol

My son is only 21 and left NZ after 18 months here to return to the UK when he was still 19 and will not come back to NZ.
Like you, and any parent, I miss him terribly but am happy that he is enjoying his life and am so proud of how well he has
adjusted to living and supporting himself at such a young age.
I've seen him twice since he left and will be seeing him again in May. I dont feel the need to have him near me and
accept its my choice to be here and understand his reasons for not wanting to come and visit, its not a big deal, he's an
adult with his own life to lead and I accept that

Batty

I've been here since 2005 and my 30 year old son has never been here.

He paid for my trip back in 2008 and I was back last year for his wedding. His wife is from Chile and very close to her parents. When it comes to visiting inlaws I think the South American beauty might have a bit of an edge :-) I don't mind most of the time because I know what it's like to be married to someone from the other side of the world.

My feelings are that whatever way I see him is ok - whether he comes here or I go there - he's my child - there's no rules.

iamthecreaturefromuranus

This is an old saying, but still has some truth in it.

"Your daughter’s your daughter for all of her life. Your son is your son until he takes a wife."

annabel1

I have been over in NZ for 6 months now and have my 18 yr old son here but my daughter (20) stayed back in the UK with our 2 1/2 yr grandaughter that I miss incredibly.
I do feel great guilt for leaving them both and some days are challenging but we made our decision and all the way through our very long decision process to move ( approx 5 years) she would never commit to a decision to stay or go and in the meantime had our grandaughter. We knew we had to make a decision for US but it's still no easy thing to do.
At least I am thankful that she is coming to visit soon and as always will be pushing the benefits of living in NZ ! !

I do know we all do have to do what is right for ourselves, whether we are parents or children and cannot live our lives for others but that is easier said than done at times !

Trish M

I think saying it was your decision to leave was well out of order! If he was skint and couldn't come over to see you then fair enough, but if he's choosing not to come over it sounds like he's in a bit of sulk!

jmh

He might also feel he is being manipulated or pressured to visit. This can set up a lot of resistance.

Jan n Neil

I have worried about that!! He could afford it, and he is choosing not to.......


I have never asked him outright before - he has just split with a girl after 15 years (although I think he is with someone else) , hence me asking him to visit.

Jan

dorrick

Been here 40 years and both offspring have now been in London for 7 years.
They alternate coming back about every 12-18 mths and we have been over a couple of times - I think using up annual leave might be part of the issue.- Our kids come for 3-4 weeks and that sometimes eats into their next year's leave and doesn't allow for going elsewhere so maybe it is partly from that perspective or his partner didn't want to come.
At least you can afford to go to see him so that is some consolation

Persephone

Hmmm, not having children myself I can only speak as the child who has chosen to leave. I can totally understand his point of view about wanting to visit other places rather than NZ/parents as that's the position I find myself in. I am torn between wanting to visit my parents more often but also wanting to spend my holiday time seeing parts of the world I haven't been to yet. That compromise has to be made by me as to how often and how long I'll spend at my parents. I know they'd like to see me more often but there has been no pressure from them for me to do so. I am currently thinking maybe every two years [3y was too long] as I realise as they get older that I may have to start going every year. I'm not on a contract so can take more annual leave but then cost starts to become a problem. I feel guilty about not visiting but would resent using all my holiday time to visit family-I hope that doesn't come across too badly!
Like the idea of you both meeting up somewhere, you could always spend a few days/weeks together and then go your separate ways if you wanted.

Jan, can't believe you have a 35 year old son!

Jan n Neil

Aww thank you