Is NZ for you?
Feb 23rd 2007, 12:01 pm
#1
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 206
Is NZ for you?
Emigrating to the other side of the Earth can be both emotionally and financially draining. It can cause your marriage to breakdown, children to divorce parents and mental health problems.
To give you a taste of NZ without leaving your own home try the following:
1. In your back garden build a very large shed. Divide the shed into rooms, ensuring that you DO NOT insulate it or provide adequate heating. It helps if your garden slopes 30 or so degrees. The shed (NZ House) MUST have a roof made of "Wriggly Tin" or "Long Run" (posh name) This is to ensure you get the full benefit of the noise caused by the constant rain.
2. Take your kids out of their current schools, and then do tons and tons of research to find the worst schools in your area. Enroll your kids immediately. If they are not offered drugs on their first day complain to the Head Teacher! Don't let your kids do any research of their own and don't encourage them academically. Start brainwashing your kids with statements like "Your so sporty!" This apparently makes up for under achievement.
3. Go into work and ask your boss to give you a 30% pay cut. During the meeting offer to work Saturdays for free.
4. Carry on paying your Council Tax, but ask your local authority to reduce their services to you. Insist on disposing of your own rubbish and start calling your local tip the "Transfer Station".
5. If you are conducting this experiment in the winter then every morning get the garden hose and spray the entire inside of your shed. Walls, ceilings and especially windows must all be dripping wet. Throw open all the doors and windows to dry the place out. If any family members complain of feeling cold and ask to light the fire shout "Toughen up you pommy bastard!" at them.
6. NEVER heat your house in any way - It is classed as being a waste of money!
7. Buy a large bag of gravel / stones. Find a local gang of kids and pay them to thrown the contents onto your roof all night long. The stones against the wriggly tin will sound just like the rain. You will need to hire the gang of kids for at least 8 months of the year to replicate the frequency of the rain storms.
8. Go to the worst supermarket you can find and ask to buy any food from them that is only fit for animal consumption. Pay 5 times the price marked on the food and prepare you dinner with it. Keep any leftovers as these will be needed to feed you for the next 4 days.
9. By now some members of your family will be suffering from depression. NZ has the highest rate of depression per capita, so don't panic. Go to your doctors, pay him £50 and ask for Prosaic.
10. Never watch the news and never read a national news paper which may tell you about events outside a 10 mile radius of your shed. Insist that everyone in the house only watches sport on the TV. No matter how badly your chosen team play always say that they are the best in the world!
This should get you going and into the spirt of things. I'll give you all a couple of weeks and then continue
Enjoy!
Burt
To give you a taste of NZ without leaving your own home try the following:
1. In your back garden build a very large shed. Divide the shed into rooms, ensuring that you DO NOT insulate it or provide adequate heating. It helps if your garden slopes 30 or so degrees. The shed (NZ House) MUST have a roof made of "Wriggly Tin" or "Long Run" (posh name) This is to ensure you get the full benefit of the noise caused by the constant rain.
2. Take your kids out of their current schools, and then do tons and tons of research to find the worst schools in your area. Enroll your kids immediately. If they are not offered drugs on their first day complain to the Head Teacher! Don't let your kids do any research of their own and don't encourage them academically. Start brainwashing your kids with statements like "Your so sporty!" This apparently makes up for under achievement.
3. Go into work and ask your boss to give you a 30% pay cut. During the meeting offer to work Saturdays for free.
4. Carry on paying your Council Tax, but ask your local authority to reduce their services to you. Insist on disposing of your own rubbish and start calling your local tip the "Transfer Station".
5. If you are conducting this experiment in the winter then every morning get the garden hose and spray the entire inside of your shed. Walls, ceilings and especially windows must all be dripping wet. Throw open all the doors and windows to dry the place out. If any family members complain of feeling cold and ask to light the fire shout "Toughen up you pommy bastard!" at them.
6. NEVER heat your house in any way - It is classed as being a waste of money!
7. Buy a large bag of gravel / stones. Find a local gang of kids and pay them to thrown the contents onto your roof all night long. The stones against the wriggly tin will sound just like the rain. You will need to hire the gang of kids for at least 8 months of the year to replicate the frequency of the rain storms.
8. Go to the worst supermarket you can find and ask to buy any food from them that is only fit for animal consumption. Pay 5 times the price marked on the food and prepare you dinner with it. Keep any leftovers as these will be needed to feed you for the next 4 days.
9. By now some members of your family will be suffering from depression. NZ has the highest rate of depression per capita, so don't panic. Go to your doctors, pay him £50 and ask for Prosaic.
10. Never watch the news and never read a national news paper which may tell you about events outside a 10 mile radius of your shed. Insist that everyone in the house only watches sport on the TV. No matter how badly your chosen team play always say that they are the best in the world!
This should get you going and into the spirt of things. I'll give you all a couple of weeks and then continue
Enjoy!
Burt
Last edited by Burt Badger; Feb 23rd 2007 at 12:07 pm.
Feb 23rd 2007, 12:20 pm
#2
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 1,118
Re: Is NZ for you?
i pissed my pants reading that, well done BURT-grimace.
sounds like NZ is just the place for me!
sounds like NZ is just the place for me!
Feb 23rd 2007, 12:45 pm
#3
Forum Regular
Joined: Aug 2006
Location: Torbay, North Shore
Posts: 159
Re: Is NZ for you?
Originally Posted by Burt Badger
Emigrating to the other side of the Earth can be both emotionally and financially draining. It can cause your marriage to breakdown, children to divorce parents and mental health problems.
To give you a taste of NZ without leaving your own home try the following:
1. In your back garden build a very large shed. Divide the shed into rooms, ensuring that you DO NOT insulate it or provide adequate heating. It helps if your garden slopes 30 or so degrees. The shed (NZ House) MUST have a roof made of "Wriggly Tin" or "Long Run" (posh name) This is to ensure you get the full benefit of the noise caused by the constant rain.
2. Take your kids out of their current schools, and then do tons and tons of research to find the worst schools in your area. Enroll your kids immediately. If they are not offered drugs on their first day complain to the Head Teacher! Don't let your kids do any research of their own and don't encourage them academically. Start brainwashing your kids with statements like "Your so sporty!" This apparently makes up for under achievement.
3. Go into work and ask your boss to give you a 30% pay cut. During the meeting offer to work Saturdays for free.
4. Carry on paying your Council Tax, but ask your local authority to reduce their services to you. Insist on disposing of your own rubbish and start calling your local tip the "Transfer Station".
5. If you are conducting this experiment in the winter then every morning get the garden hose and spray the entire inside of your shed. Walls, ceilings and especially windows must all be dripping wet. Throw open all the doors and windows to dry the place out. If any family members complain of feeling cold and ask to light the fire shout "Toughen up you pommy bastard!" at them.
6. NEVER heat your house in any way - It is classed as being a waste of money!
7. Buy a large bag of gravel / stones. Find a local gang of kids and pay them to thrown the contents onto your roof all night long. The stones against the wriggly tin will sound just like the rain. You will need to hire the gang of kids for at least 8 months of the year to replicate the frequency of the rain storms.
8. Go to the worst supermarket you can find and ask to buy any food from them that is only fit for animal consumption. Pay 5 times the price marked on the food and prepare you dinner with it. Keep any leftovers as these will be needed to feed you for the next 4 days.
9. By now some members of your family will be suffering from depression. NZ has the highest rate of depression per capita, so don't panic. Go to your doctors, pay him £50 and ask for Prosaic.
10. Never watch the news and never read a national news paper which may tell you about events outside a 10 mile radius of your shed. Insist that everyone in the house only watches sport on the TV. No matter how badly your chosen team play always say that they are the best in the world!
This should get you going and into the spirt of things. I'll give you all a couple of weeks and then continue
Enjoy!
Burt
To give you a taste of NZ without leaving your own home try the following:
1. In your back garden build a very large shed. Divide the shed into rooms, ensuring that you DO NOT insulate it or provide adequate heating. It helps if your garden slopes 30 or so degrees. The shed (NZ House) MUST have a roof made of "Wriggly Tin" or "Long Run" (posh name) This is to ensure you get the full benefit of the noise caused by the constant rain.
2. Take your kids out of their current schools, and then do tons and tons of research to find the worst schools in your area. Enroll your kids immediately. If they are not offered drugs on their first day complain to the Head Teacher! Don't let your kids do any research of their own and don't encourage them academically. Start brainwashing your kids with statements like "Your so sporty!" This apparently makes up for under achievement.
3. Go into work and ask your boss to give you a 30% pay cut. During the meeting offer to work Saturdays for free.
4. Carry on paying your Council Tax, but ask your local authority to reduce their services to you. Insist on disposing of your own rubbish and start calling your local tip the "Transfer Station".
5. If you are conducting this experiment in the winter then every morning get the garden hose and spray the entire inside of your shed. Walls, ceilings and especially windows must all be dripping wet. Throw open all the doors and windows to dry the place out. If any family members complain of feeling cold and ask to light the fire shout "Toughen up you pommy bastard!" at them.
6. NEVER heat your house in any way - It is classed as being a waste of money!
7. Buy a large bag of gravel / stones. Find a local gang of kids and pay them to thrown the contents onto your roof all night long. The stones against the wriggly tin will sound just like the rain. You will need to hire the gang of kids for at least 8 months of the year to replicate the frequency of the rain storms.
8. Go to the worst supermarket you can find and ask to buy any food from them that is only fit for animal consumption. Pay 5 times the price marked on the food and prepare you dinner with it. Keep any leftovers as these will be needed to feed you for the next 4 days.
9. By now some members of your family will be suffering from depression. NZ has the highest rate of depression per capita, so don't panic. Go to your doctors, pay him £50 and ask for Prosaic.
10. Never watch the news and never read a national news paper which may tell you about events outside a 10 mile radius of your shed. Insist that everyone in the house only watches sport on the TV. No matter how badly your chosen team play always say that they are the best in the world!
This should get you going and into the spirt of things. I'll give you all a couple of weeks and then continue
Enjoy!
Burt
Feb 23rd 2007, 2:01 pm
#4
Forum Regular
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 79
Re: Is NZ for you?
...Try replicating Saskatchewan (our current home):
1. Sit in your freezer.
2. In the dark.
3. For eight months.
4. That's it.
NZ has got to be better than this...!
It's warmed up this week to minus 20 C; last fortnight temp was around minus 40 and never got above minus 25.
1. Sit in your freezer.
2. In the dark.
3. For eight months.
4. That's it.
NZ has got to be better than this...!
It's warmed up this week to minus 20 C; last fortnight temp was around minus 40 and never got above minus 25.
Feb 23rd 2007, 2:13 pm
#5
Forum Regular
Joined: May 2006
Location: Reading UK
Posts: 49
Re: Is NZ for you?
Welcome back Burt. Still bitter then?
Feb 23rd 2007, 2:37 pm
#6
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 5,763
Re: Is NZ for you?
Originally Posted by davec987
Welcome back Burt. Still bitter then?
Is the Pope catholic? Is Luxemburg small? And do bears shit in the woods? Amber & Chris, I'm just outside Chicago and really really feel for you!
Roll on Spring! How long does it take you to shovel your driveway? When it gets warm enough to snow, I mean.
Feb 23rd 2007, 6:05 pm
#7
Forum Regular
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 67
Re: Is NZ for you?
Originally Posted by Burt Badger
Emigrating to the other side of the Earth can be both emotionally and financially draining. It can cause your marriage to breakdown, children to divorce parents and mental health problems.
To give you a taste of NZ without leaving your own home try the following:
1. In your back garden build a very large shed. Divide the shed into rooms, ensuring that you DO NOT insulate it or provide adequate heating. It helps if your garden slopes 30 or so degrees. The shed (NZ House) MUST have a roof made of "Wriggly Tin" or "Long Run" (posh name) This is to ensure you get the full benefit of the noise caused by the constant rain.
2. Take your kids out of their current schools, and then do tons and tons of research to find the worst schools in your area. Enroll your kids immediately. If they are not offered drugs on their first day complain to the Head Teacher! Don't let your kids do any research of their own and don't encourage them academically. Start brainwashing your kids with statements like "Your so sporty!" This apparently makes up for under achievement.
3. Go into work and ask your boss to give you a 30% pay cut. During the meeting offer to work Saturdays for free.
4. Carry on paying your Council Tax, but ask your local authority to reduce their services to you. Insist on disposing of your own rubbish and start calling your local tip the "Transfer Station".
5. If you are conducting this experiment in the winter then every morning get the garden hose and spray the entire inside of your shed. Walls, ceilings and especially windows must all be dripping wet. Throw open all the doors and windows to dry the place out. If any family members complain of feeling cold and ask to light the fire shout "Toughen up you pommy bastard!" at them.
6. NEVER heat your house in any way - It is classed as being a waste of money!
7. Buy a large bag of gravel / stones. Find a local gang of kids and pay them to thrown the contents onto your roof all night long. The stones against the wriggly tin will sound just like the rain. You will need to hire the gang of kids for at least 8 months of the year to replicate the frequency of the rain storms.
8. Go to the worst supermarket you can find and ask to buy any food from them that is only fit for animal consumption. Pay 5 times the price marked on the food and prepare you dinner with it. Keep any leftovers as these will be needed to feed you for the next 4 days.
9. By now some members of your family will be suffering from depression. NZ has the highest rate of depression per capita, so don't panic. Go to your doctors, pay him £50 and ask for Prosaic.
10. Never watch the news and never read a national news paper which may tell you about events outside a 10 mile radius of your shed. Insist that everyone in the house only watches sport on the TV. No matter how badly your chosen team play always say that they are the best in the world!
This should get you going and into the spirt of things. I'll give you all a couple of weeks and then continue
Enjoy!
Burt
To give you a taste of NZ without leaving your own home try the following:
1. In your back garden build a very large shed. Divide the shed into rooms, ensuring that you DO NOT insulate it or provide adequate heating. It helps if your garden slopes 30 or so degrees. The shed (NZ House) MUST have a roof made of "Wriggly Tin" or "Long Run" (posh name) This is to ensure you get the full benefit of the noise caused by the constant rain.
2. Take your kids out of their current schools, and then do tons and tons of research to find the worst schools in your area. Enroll your kids immediately. If they are not offered drugs on their first day complain to the Head Teacher! Don't let your kids do any research of their own and don't encourage them academically. Start brainwashing your kids with statements like "Your so sporty!" This apparently makes up for under achievement.
3. Go into work and ask your boss to give you a 30% pay cut. During the meeting offer to work Saturdays for free.
4. Carry on paying your Council Tax, but ask your local authority to reduce their services to you. Insist on disposing of your own rubbish and start calling your local tip the "Transfer Station".
5. If you are conducting this experiment in the winter then every morning get the garden hose and spray the entire inside of your shed. Walls, ceilings and especially windows must all be dripping wet. Throw open all the doors and windows to dry the place out. If any family members complain of feeling cold and ask to light the fire shout "Toughen up you pommy bastard!" at them.
6. NEVER heat your house in any way - It is classed as being a waste of money!
7. Buy a large bag of gravel / stones. Find a local gang of kids and pay them to thrown the contents onto your roof all night long. The stones against the wriggly tin will sound just like the rain. You will need to hire the gang of kids for at least 8 months of the year to replicate the frequency of the rain storms.
8. Go to the worst supermarket you can find and ask to buy any food from them that is only fit for animal consumption. Pay 5 times the price marked on the food and prepare you dinner with it. Keep any leftovers as these will be needed to feed you for the next 4 days.
9. By now some members of your family will be suffering from depression. NZ has the highest rate of depression per capita, so don't panic. Go to your doctors, pay him £50 and ask for Prosaic.
10. Never watch the news and never read a national news paper which may tell you about events outside a 10 mile radius of your shed. Insist that everyone in the house only watches sport on the TV. No matter how badly your chosen team play always say that they are the best in the world!
This should get you going and into the spirt of things. I'll give you all a couple of weeks and then continue
Enjoy!
Burt
Feb 23rd 2007, 7:05 pm
#8
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Oct 2005
Location: Blenheim, NZ
Posts: 1,504
Re: Is NZ for you?
One Man's Food Is Another Man's Poison
Feb 23rd 2007, 7:31 pm
#9
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Feb 2007
Location: Northland New Zealand
Posts: 587
Re: Is NZ for you?
Made me laugh, but at present we are loving it over here...
Feb 23rd 2007, 8:02 pm
#10
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Apr 2005
Location: Beachlands, East Auckland
Posts: 2,957
Re: Is NZ for you?
Made me laugh too.... good funny post..... strangely enough some of it so very true... specially the condensation bit. We must be mad to like it here!!! 
Feb 23rd 2007, 9:41 pm
#11
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Jan 2004
Location: auckland
Posts: 547
Re: Is NZ for you?
Or alternatively....
1. Stick a enlarged photo of your favorite view to the outside of your bedroom window so you can look at it every morning you wake up.
2. Get a tape of native birdsong and lots of house plants and place them all in your pokey conservatory so you can pretend you are eating breakfast outside on a lazy sunday morning.
3. Get the kids a suitable computer game of their favorite sport take it on a very long extension lead to the local playing field so you can watch them play sport on a Saturday morning.
4. One night after you have finished work. Replace your living room carpet with sand and get a DVD of some surfers, sit in your swim wear with the heater on full blast whilst watching the DVD eating a picnic on the sand.
if you like it... well....NZ could be the place for you
1. Stick a enlarged photo of your favorite view to the outside of your bedroom window so you can look at it every morning you wake up.
2. Get a tape of native birdsong and lots of house plants and place them all in your pokey conservatory so you can pretend you are eating breakfast outside on a lazy sunday morning.
3. Get the kids a suitable computer game of their favorite sport take it on a very long extension lead to the local playing field so you can watch them play sport on a Saturday morning.
4. One night after you have finished work. Replace your living room carpet with sand and get a DVD of some surfers, sit in your swim wear with the heater on full blast whilst watching the DVD eating a picnic on the sand.
if you like it... well....NZ could be the place for you
Feb 23rd 2007, 9:52 pm
#12
Forum Regular
Joined: Apr 2006
Location: Wellington
Posts: 123
Re: Is NZ for you?
lol funny post
Feb 23rd 2007, 9:56 pm
#13
By name and by nature
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,852
Re: Is NZ for you?
That post was slightly amusing the first time I read it - I think that's about the third time I've seen it now 
Feb 23rd 2007, 9:57 pm
#14
Banned
Joined: Sep 2006
Location: Berkshire
Posts: 1,146
Re: Is NZ for you?
Originally Posted by Batty
That post was slightly amusing the first time I read it - I think that's about the third time I've seen it now
Feb 23rd 2007, 10:15 pm
#15
NZ ways is best ways :0)
Joined: Oct 2006
Location: Christchurch, NZ
Posts: 1,109
Re: Is NZ for you?
Ahhh, Bert, nice to have you back! 
