Is NZ for you?
Feb 27th 2007, 7:59 pm
#31
Account Closed
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 527
Re: Is NZ for you?
Excellent, now we have The Weezer, Bert, Mazi and now the SecretSquirrel has arrived. Who are we missing? Nerine, your absence has been noted... Anyone else required for this thread?
Feb 27th 2007, 10:06 pm
#35
Happy in Wellington
Joined: Mar 2005
Location: Tawa, Wellington, Aotearoa
Posts: 2,286
Re: Is NZ for you?
I cannot attribute any credibility to this post because burt failed to observe the singularly most insidious, dangerous, pestulent and illegal-in-other-countries (or should be) hazard of them all.... the sausages... by comparison, the rest - although true - are a minor inconvenience 
Last edited by RobClubley; Feb 27th 2007 at 10:26 pm.
Feb 27th 2007, 10:27 pm
#38
Happy in Wellington
Joined: Mar 2005
Location: Tawa, Wellington, Aotearoa
Posts: 2,286
Feb 28th 2007, 7:15 pm
#41
Top Dog
Joined: Apr 2006
Location: Uk - hopefully to VIC
Posts: 374
Re: Is NZ for you?
Emigrating to the other side of the Earth can be both emotionally and financially draining. It can cause your marriage to breakdown, children to divorce parents and mental health problems.
To give you a taste of NZ without leaving your own home try the following:
1. In your back garden build a very large shed. Divide the shed into rooms, ensuring that you DO NOT insulate it or provide adequate heating. It helps if your garden slopes 30 or so degrees. The shed (NZ House) MUST have a roof made of "Wriggly Tin" or "Long Run" (posh name) This is to ensure you get the full benefit of the noise caused by the constant rain.
2. Take your kids out of their current schools, and then do tons and tons of research to find the worst schools in your area. Enroll your kids immediately. If they are not offered drugs on their first day complain to the Head Teacher! Don't let your kids do any research of their own and don't encourage them academically. Start brainwashing your kids with statements like "Your so sporty!" This apparently makes up for under achievement.
3. Go into work and ask your boss to give you a 30% pay cut. During the meeting offer to work Saturdays for free.
4. Carry on paying your Council Tax, but ask your local authority to reduce their services to you. Insist on disposing of your own rubbish and start calling your local tip the "Transfer Station".
5. If you are conducting this experiment in the winter then every morning get the garden hose and spray the entire inside of your shed. Walls, ceilings and especially windows must all be dripping wet. Throw open all the doors and windows to dry the place out. If any family members complain of feeling cold and ask to light the fire shout "Toughen up you pommy bastard!" at them.
6. NEVER heat your house in any way - It is classed as being a waste of money!
7. Buy a large bag of gravel / stones. Find a local gang of kids and pay them to thrown the contents onto your roof all night long. The stones against the wriggly tin will sound just like the rain. You will need to hire the gang of kids for at least 8 months of the year to replicate the frequency of the rain storms.
8. Go to the worst supermarket you can find and ask to buy any food from them that is only fit for animal consumption. Pay 5 times the price marked on the food and prepare you dinner with it. Keep any leftovers as these will be needed to feed you for the next 4 days.
9. By now some members of your family will be suffering from depression. NZ has the highest rate of depression per capita, so don't panic. Go to your doctors, pay him £50 and ask for Prosaic.
10. Never watch the news and never read a national news paper which may tell you about events outside a 10 mile radius of your shed. Insist that everyone in the house only watches sport on the TV. No matter how badly your chosen team play always say that they are the best in the world!
This should get you going and into the spirt of things. I'll give you all a couple of weeks and then continue
Enjoy!
Burt
To give you a taste of NZ without leaving your own home try the following:
1. In your back garden build a very large shed. Divide the shed into rooms, ensuring that you DO NOT insulate it or provide adequate heating. It helps if your garden slopes 30 or so degrees. The shed (NZ House) MUST have a roof made of "Wriggly Tin" or "Long Run" (posh name) This is to ensure you get the full benefit of the noise caused by the constant rain.
2. Take your kids out of their current schools, and then do tons and tons of research to find the worst schools in your area. Enroll your kids immediately. If they are not offered drugs on their first day complain to the Head Teacher! Don't let your kids do any research of their own and don't encourage them academically. Start brainwashing your kids with statements like "Your so sporty!" This apparently makes up for under achievement.
3. Go into work and ask your boss to give you a 30% pay cut. During the meeting offer to work Saturdays for free.
4. Carry on paying your Council Tax, but ask your local authority to reduce their services to you. Insist on disposing of your own rubbish and start calling your local tip the "Transfer Station".
5. If you are conducting this experiment in the winter then every morning get the garden hose and spray the entire inside of your shed. Walls, ceilings and especially windows must all be dripping wet. Throw open all the doors and windows to dry the place out. If any family members complain of feeling cold and ask to light the fire shout "Toughen up you pommy bastard!" at them.
6. NEVER heat your house in any way - It is classed as being a waste of money!
7. Buy a large bag of gravel / stones. Find a local gang of kids and pay them to thrown the contents onto your roof all night long. The stones against the wriggly tin will sound just like the rain. You will need to hire the gang of kids for at least 8 months of the year to replicate the frequency of the rain storms.
8. Go to the worst supermarket you can find and ask to buy any food from them that is only fit for animal consumption. Pay 5 times the price marked on the food and prepare you dinner with it. Keep any leftovers as these will be needed to feed you for the next 4 days.
9. By now some members of your family will be suffering from depression. NZ has the highest rate of depression per capita, so don't panic. Go to your doctors, pay him £50 and ask for Prosaic.
10. Never watch the news and never read a national news paper which may tell you about events outside a 10 mile radius of your shed. Insist that everyone in the house only watches sport on the TV. No matter how badly your chosen team play always say that they are the best in the world!
This should get you going and into the spirt of things. I'll give you all a couple of weeks and then continue
Enjoy!
Burt
Mar 1st 2007, 5:19 pm
#42
Forum Regular
Joined: Oct 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 175
Re: Is NZ for you?
actually, since you have popped up again with one of your brilliant put downs, i have a question for you - back last january, whilst I was still living in nz but in the uk on business, I was talking/advising through gritted teeth to a colleague who was planning a trip to new zealand.... I promise I was positive and made lots of bungy jumping / moari pom pom dancing watching type recommendations ... i bumped into him today and he told me that he had a great time, and that the only part of nz he wasnt too keen on was christchurch - he said he found the place a bit dull and the locals a little "vacant" (his words not mine so dont get on your high horse) - did you happen to bump into a 5'10ish dark haired chap in his early 30s back in about July by any chance?
Mar 2nd 2007, 8:12 am
#45
Newbie
Joined: Jan 2007
Location: UK ... Waiheke Island sometime in 2007
Posts: 32
Re: Is NZ for you?
Emigrating to the other side of the Earth can be both emotionally and financially draining. It can cause your marriage to breakdown, children to divorce parents and mental health problems.
To give you a taste of NZ without leaving your own home try the following:
1. In your back garden build a very large shed. Divide the shed into rooms, ensuring that you DO NOT insulate it or provide adequate heating. It helps if your garden slopes 30 or so degrees. The shed (NZ House) MUST have a roof made of "Wriggly Tin" or "Long Run" (posh name) This is to ensure you get the full benefit of the noise caused by the constant rain.
2. Take your kids out of their current schools, and then do tons and tons of research to find the worst schools in your area. Enroll your kids immediately. If they are not offered drugs on their first day complain to the Head Teacher! Don't let your kids do any research of their own and don't encourage them academically. Start brainwashing your kids with statements like "Your so sporty!" This apparently makes up for under achievement.
3. Go into work and ask your boss to give you a 30% pay cut. During the meeting offer to work Saturdays for free.
4. Carry on paying your Council Tax, but ask your local authority to reduce their services to you. Insist on disposing of your own rubbish and start calling your local tip the "Transfer Station".
5. If you are conducting this experiment in the winter then every morning get the garden hose and spray the entire inside of your shed. Walls, ceilings and especially windows must all be dripping wet. Throw open all the doors and windows to dry the place out. If any family members complain of feeling cold and ask to light the fire shout "Toughen up you pommy bastard!" at them.
6. NEVER heat your house in any way - It is classed as being a waste of money!
7. Buy a large bag of gravel / stones. Find a local gang of kids and pay them to thrown the contents onto your roof all night long. The stones against the wriggly tin will sound just like the rain. You will need to hire the gang of kids for at least 8 months of the year to replicate the frequency of the rain storms.
8. Go to the worst supermarket you can find and ask to buy any food from them that is only fit for animal consumption. Pay 5 times the price marked on the food and prepare you dinner with it. Keep any leftovers as these will be needed to feed you for the next 4 days.
9. By now some members of your family will be suffering from depression. NZ has the highest rate of depression per capita, so don't panic. Go to your doctors, pay him £50 and ask for Prosaic.
10. Never watch the news and never read a national news paper which may tell you about events outside a 10 mile radius of your shed. Insist that everyone in the house only watches sport on the TV. No matter how badly your chosen team play always say that they are the best in the world!
This should get you going and into the spirt of things. I'll give you all a couple of weeks and then continue
Enjoy!
Burt
To give you a taste of NZ without leaving your own home try the following:
1. In your back garden build a very large shed. Divide the shed into rooms, ensuring that you DO NOT insulate it or provide adequate heating. It helps if your garden slopes 30 or so degrees. The shed (NZ House) MUST have a roof made of "Wriggly Tin" or "Long Run" (posh name) This is to ensure you get the full benefit of the noise caused by the constant rain.
2. Take your kids out of their current schools, and then do tons and tons of research to find the worst schools in your area. Enroll your kids immediately. If they are not offered drugs on their first day complain to the Head Teacher! Don't let your kids do any research of their own and don't encourage them academically. Start brainwashing your kids with statements like "Your so sporty!" This apparently makes up for under achievement.
3. Go into work and ask your boss to give you a 30% pay cut. During the meeting offer to work Saturdays for free.
4. Carry on paying your Council Tax, but ask your local authority to reduce their services to you. Insist on disposing of your own rubbish and start calling your local tip the "Transfer Station".
5. If you are conducting this experiment in the winter then every morning get the garden hose and spray the entire inside of your shed. Walls, ceilings and especially windows must all be dripping wet. Throw open all the doors and windows to dry the place out. If any family members complain of feeling cold and ask to light the fire shout "Toughen up you pommy bastard!" at them.
6. NEVER heat your house in any way - It is classed as being a waste of money!
7. Buy a large bag of gravel / stones. Find a local gang of kids and pay them to thrown the contents onto your roof all night long. The stones against the wriggly tin will sound just like the rain. You will need to hire the gang of kids for at least 8 months of the year to replicate the frequency of the rain storms.
8. Go to the worst supermarket you can find and ask to buy any food from them that is only fit for animal consumption. Pay 5 times the price marked on the food and prepare you dinner with it. Keep any leftovers as these will be needed to feed you for the next 4 days.
9. By now some members of your family will be suffering from depression. NZ has the highest rate of depression per capita, so don't panic. Go to your doctors, pay him £50 and ask for Prosaic.
10. Never watch the news and never read a national news paper which may tell you about events outside a 10 mile radius of your shed. Insist that everyone in the house only watches sport on the TV. No matter how badly your chosen team play always say that they are the best in the world!
This should get you going and into the spirt of things. I'll give you all a couple of weeks and then continue
Enjoy!
Burt
Mrs/Mr Kiwi: in order to prepare yourself for living next door to your new British immigrant neighbour/working with your new British immigrant work colleague or heaven forbid BOTH you will need one of the following:
A spoilt to the core absolute rotten idle useless teenager, preferably from a family that are MUCH MUCH richer than you. Ask the family if you can borrow the teenager for as long as you can stomach (not long).
1. Give teenager a few round the house tasks which you and your lot have taken for granted as normal. (Wash dishes, make bed, clean room etc ....you don't want to go overboard here or you will go straight to full on whingeing, whining, moaning Brit and believe me you won't be ready for it.
2. Once you think you can handle this degree of moaning take away said teen's TV and playstation....now you will really start to crank up the volume.
3. If you are really up for some more punishment make said teen get a job, Paper round, shop assistant, nothing abnormal but your ears will now be either tuned out or ringing. Either way you won't be listening......this is the stage you need to be at for when the Brit family arrives.....Good Luck!
