nz2012

A few years ago I came travelling to New Zealand. While in the country for just 3 weeks, I met a kiwi guy and after a brief return back to UK, I had soon booked my flight back to NZ for a one year working holiday. I met back up with my kiwi and we began a relationship. Soon enough however, my year was up and I had to return to UK. I was heartbroken to leave him and a country I had also fallen in love with so made the big decision in 2009 to move back to NZ on a semi-permanent basis, with the intention of just seeing how it went.

I returned back to UK again after a year for a xmas holiday and had the most amazing time. When I had to return to NZ, I was heartbroken to leave my family and spent the next few months really torn and homesick. I ended up returning to UK last year for a family trip to Greece and following a death in the family, I chose to stay on in UK a few months as I was offered a great work opportunity and wanted to be closer to my family for a while at that sad time. My kiwi boyfriend flew out to UK after a few months to meet my family and then returned, alone after 2 weeks. I was so incredibly torn as part of me wanted to go back with him, but the other part loved being home in England, near all my family and friends. It was an impossibly hard decision for me but the NZ pull was too great and I ended up heading back to NZ in November 2010 - to Christchurch.

Sadly, after so much unsettlement, the Feb earthquake hit and caused another huge amount of heartache. It was very sad and scary as my boyfriend had to instantly leave town on work and with no family around at all, it became blindly obvious how much I missed them.

We chose to leave Christchurch and relocated (once again) to Auckland where I was offered a good job and my boyfriend shortly also found some work. All was going pretty well - until I returned to UK again this xmas on my annual visit home. I had the most amazing time at home with everyone (4 weeks) and it just always feels so right to be there. When it came to leave I was once again heartbroken and didn't even feel excited about returning this time to NZ.

I'm now back in Auckland and just such a bundle of confusion. This constant battle between loving my life in NZ with my boyfriend and this incredible pull to be home in UK with my family is killing me! Some people may possibly read this and say going home once a year is the problem and that I shouldn't go home so often - but I can't leave it longer as I then feel I'm just drifting away from my family and I can't stand that. We are in very regular contact and skype all the time, but we're a very close and loving family and not seeing them for more than a year is so hard for me.

I think this constant unsettlement / moving around has also always made me reluctant to really commit to my relationship, as I'm too scared it will mean I can never go home. My boyfriend isn't at all keen to live in UK and I know if we buy a house / get married and especially have a baby - it basically means I'm then tied to NZ forever and that's a scary thought for me. But at 29 (my boyfriend is 40) and after 4 years together - we're clearly at a stage of making this commitment or not - either way we can't keep floating along like this.

I guess for many people who move to NZ, they make a formal decision from the start to move here and make this home. But I guess I never did that - I just got so caught up in the adventure and wanting to be with my boyfriend, I didn't panic too much (although I did obviously think about it). I obviously considered the long term 'consequences' of living away from home, but I always tried to live for now and not worry too much about the future. Plus my boyfriend did say he would possibly move to UK for a few years down the line if I really wanted (however he has since changed his mind).

I'm turning 30 this year and now my boyfriend and I are talking of marriage and trying for a baby and while I know life here in NZ would continue to be totally amazing (I really do love the lifestyle here), I know how hard I find it already, to be away from my family. Once my brother has children back in UK and I myself do (and then I can't afford to fly home every year) I know I'll find it painfully hard.

I've talked to my boyfriend about the possibility of him moving back to UK with me in the next 18 months or so. However he's keen on starting a new career here in NZ (joining the police) and it's crazy to think of us staying here in NZ for a few years so he can do his training, just to then move to UK and start all over again, go through the whole residency for him thing in UK (I've just got my NZ residency). It would be so difficult and I know he's not really keen. He's been in a real rut for the past 5 or so years, floating along in a job he doesn't enjoy and its taken so much to get him to this point of finally embarking on a new career.

So I'm now at a breaking point of either accepting life will always be tough, both when I go home to UK and then have to say goodbye, and also when I can't go home and desperately miss my family support - but on the plus side, I get to stay in my relationship and keep my life as it is in NZ....OR I jack it all in, at the age of 30, move back to UK and try and find work and start my life all over again, from scratch. That clearly has many negative points, but the flip side is I'd no longer have to constantly worry about what to do and when I'll next see my family. Not to mention I could start enjoying holidays elsewhere again, and not constantly just back to 'UK'. PLUS my bank balance would possibly be a little better off!

I guess I just need to know the door is not closed on UK and there is always the option to move home if I need (i.e with kids, family get sick etc). But because my boyfriend doesn't want to move there, I fear committing to him cuts this option for me and means I HAVE to spend the rest of my life in NZ. At the moment that's fine, but what if I change my mind later on....

It's so hard...if I didn't love my boyfriend and NZ so much, I know the answer would be obvious - go back to UK. But it's not that simple. When I was home, even just last week, I was thinking, right 'I have to move home to UK in the next year'. But now I'm back here, even after just a few days, the thought of leaving my boyfriend and starting all over again is just so overwhelming.

There seems so many people on here that spend their life missing family in UK and I can't bare to spend my life feeling like that. BUT equally, I'm terrified I'll give it all up here in NZ, return to UK...only in 6-12 months, realize it's the biggest mistake of my life. I know time won't make this any easier. I've been here over 4 years now and it's the same EVERY year!!!

I don't know if this is a decider either but I do find myself very envious of my kiwi friends here who have all their family around them and when I was back in UK, it was so amazing to feel 'normal' - to be the one this time with all that support.

Anyone in a similar situation - please HELP!

wellingtonboot

You seem afraid of having to make any decision based on relationships - i think whether you stay in NZ is nothing to do with anything deep down.

You need to work out who is more important - your family or your boyfriend - once you have decided then you will know.

I am 30 this month and i think its the milestone life jumps up at you and says "settle down."

If you cannot decide between the 2 parties write a plus and negative list down under 2 columns and stick to it - this is the rest of your life.

Romance/love/adventure is all good but its what you want at the end of the day - if there is no 50/50 you have to find the best for both.

The best for him is here in NZ.

The best for you is working out whether he is best for you.

nz2012

Thanks for your response - however I'm not too sure it's so simple as to have to decide who is more important out of my boyfriend and my family? As much as I really love my boyfriend - everyone can always meet someone else...you can't get another family, right?
It's so unfair having to make such an IMPOSSIBLE decision....

wellingtonboot

life is unfair at times.
we have to do and make the best at the time - the time is now.

if you are still asking the question it seems that you just want confirmation from randoms on the internet that your family IS more important.

your family will always be there - you have to and should have your own life.

i used adventure in my previous post and settling down. You need to decide if you want the adventure to end.

look before you leap but don't stare you'll get pushed.

Genesis

I believe you know what you want to do but will find doing it hard. You need to go home. It is quite clear where your heart lies. NZ will still be here in years to come should you wish to return when you have a family of your own. You should go and return to be with the irreplaceable ones in your life. You coined it well...'you can always get another boyfriend, good families are harder to come by'!!!!

When are you returning then?

bourbon-biscuit

I think you should go home. If you marry this guy and/or have kids you WILL be stuck here and though I understand you love it, you do not sound like you want to live on the other side of the world from your family for the rest of your life.

The reality is that if you have a baby here with a Kiwi partner who does not intend to move to the UK then you are stuck here for good because you cannot just take your child and move back if you later decide the relationship with your partner isn't worth missing out on raising your kid/s with their extended family.

If you move back to Britain and you decide in a year or so that you can't be without your partner and are prepared to make the sacrifice, then you can move back here knowing you have made that decision- eyes wide open. Don't think about if he's moved on in that time- if he has then it wasn't really going to work out anyway.

I really, really don't envy you- you are literally between a rock and hard place but at least at the moment you still actually have a choice. Have children here and that choice will not be just yours to make anymore. I'm so sorry x

vicci

Hi,we have been here for just over 5 years now,we have no family here either.My now husband and myself came over for his work and I was so upset to leave the UK and my family but like my parents used to say to me you (as in me) have to start your own family and life now so go and see if you like it. So I did, the 1st year I was ever so homesick, then we had our little boy again brought on the homesickness as was here with a new baby on my own whilst my hubby was at work. Then we got the dreaded call that mum wasnt going to make the night......but i'm 24 hours away we got back and mum made it thank god. We have been back every year and got married back there last year 2011. All I can say it is so very hard leaving family but I know how u feel it's great being home with family,friends and shopping...... but do they love the UK? prob not.NZ is a great place to bring up children and we have a lovely house too something we would struggle with in the UK. You are more than welcome to meet up for a cuppa as I know how hard it it. I'm 37 hubby 45 and our son is 3 and a half. Look forward to hearing from you.

nz2012

Vicci, I would actually really love that - thank you so much. Are you in Auckland? PM me if you like

Justcol

You've answered your own question
seems to me your looking for an excuse to dump your boyfriend and do what you really want to do.
If you loved him you wouldnt be on here asking others to make the decision for you.
my advice, go home.

vicci

Dont be so nasty Justcol, thought we were here to help eachother out and give advice.....

Jan n Neil

It seems to me that you have given it a fair go over here and your mind is almost made up, but i am a bloke and i might be reading between the wrong lines as usuall.

It may sound harsh but i think if he loves you he would be willing to give the UK a go, im not over keen on it here but i stay for the love of a good woman it,s a strong emotion Dont let it cloud your judgment

Neil

bourbon-biscuit

I think she's asking for advice and opinions, not for someone to make the decision for her. Some people like to consider things from many perspectives, especially those they may not have thought of themselves, before making a decision.

Justcol

doesn't sound like commitment to me.

Sorry Vicci it isn't meant to be nasty but I say what I see

vicci

Expat Kiwi

Questions for you, helping you to look at things from a different perspective.

A man in his early 40s who's only just getting around to sorting his life out, who wants you to put yours on hold and give up so much so he can get his act together?

Does he already have children from a previous relationship and is that another reason why he wants to stay put?

Do you want to have children with a man who may be going through a mid life crisis whilst you're still in your early thirties?

Do you realise if you do have children together your chances of ever permanently going back to Britain will be zero because if he won't leave now he certainly won't leave later?

Do you realise your trips back home will become less frequent with every child you have, time and expense will tie you ever more to New Zealand?

Do you know that if your relationship breaks up he could refuse to let the children leave the country, that may put you in an intolerable situation if you want to go somewhere else to live, even within New Zealand? Its not just the Geneva convention on the rights of the child that binds but his whanau too, you know how highly regarded the latter is in New Zealand?
New Zealand courts are not of the view that it is a child's interests to let it leave the country, especially if there is family that wants it to remain.
For what my opinion is worth, I'm with Genesis and B Biscuit on this one.