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New Zealand TV advertisements’ WTF??????

New Zealand TV advertisements’ WTF??????

Old Jun 27th 2011, 1:23 am
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Default New Zealand TV advertisements’ WTF??????

Now before I start, I know I kicked up a bit of a sh*t storm with my last post, where I gave my (our) view of New Zealand five years on. This time I’ll try not to generalise too much, as it obviously offended at least two people on the forum. I will just say that should anyone reading this not realise that I am writing it with a wry smile on my face, then they should move on… nothing to see here, move along! Also, for any Kiwi’s reading this, don’t worry, I have typed it slowly because I know you arn't fast readers.

TV ads….. where do I even start? Well everyone’s gripe here I guess has to be the fact that they are so blinkin’ frequent! A one and a half hour film can take three hours to watch. Invariably we will start to watch a film, only to find that the bloomin’ adverts get more and more frequent (crafty huh?) as the film gets going. Apart from that, what numpty did they put in charge of “cutting in” the ads? They don’t wait for a natural break do they!... oh no, anywhere will do. How often are you on the edge of your seat watching the good guy chasing down the bad guy, the heroine tied to the track, the train almost upon her, and then what…. a fekin’ advert pops up for fekin’ pineapple fekin’ lumps!


I know I’ve commented before about the number of burger… sorry, “Pattie” ads on NZTV, but the frequency and actual “airtime” they get defies belief. We all know that there is a fat related health problem here, well pretty much world wide really. Just look at all the documentaries that keep airing, everything from worlds fattest man to group weight loss reality programs. I digress. But, back to the burger ads, well one night I counted nearly thirty fast food ads during the showing of one film. Now think on this, the film lasted nearly three hours, which if you think about it is over about a third of the time most folks spend at work each day. Now, to say that the actual film should have taken about a hour and a half, that means that I was sat on my arse for about an extra hour and a half whilst being bomarded by adverts for super-sized Big fekin’ Macs, shakes and fekin' fries, when I could have had more time to do something more rewarding like getting a frontal lobotomy perhaps.

By the end of the film, that is if you haven’t fallen asleep, which normally happens about two thirds in for me, that is unless the guy from “HARVEY NORMAN” or “BAM AND ITS GONE” come along, when I have been known to nearly poo myself as I’m ripped from the arms of a young Sophia Loren and blasted back to the reality of present day… anyway, by the end of the film the ads start taking on a strange twist. Gone are the cholesterol infused artery chokin’ gut swelling fast food ads, to be replaced by……… wait for it…….. adverts for fekin' exercise machines and weight loss programs, DVDs, Dance classes!!!!!!!!! I’ll let you into a secret now…. IT’S THE SAME COMPANY WHO HAVE BEEN SELLING YOU THE FEKIN’ BURGERS AND FRIES! And where the hell did they get those pair of numpty’s who advertise those things? Off they go swaying from side to side, all the time sporting a brilliant white (as only Americans can) set of gnashers, and a psychotic grin that Hannibal Lector would have been proud of.

Then there are the yucky ads, you know, the ones they always put on around meals times. Tampons, Incontinence pants, Erectile problems, Head lice… god take me, take me now while I am young, don't let me suffer...

I mean come on, the ad showing a Beaver (the real kind… you know, the animal!) then using it as an in your face innuendo for ladies products, and saying “looking after yourself down there”…… WOW, well it doesn’t get more “in your face” than that does it?. Well actually yes I believe it does. The advert of the two guys playing a duet on the piano, camera from the front, as they drop their pants and stand up, thankfully with their nether regions still out of camera shot (it will come though believe me!), and on they play, apparently “hands free”. Now, if I were still ten, at school, in the playground, I might have had a real laugh about that. However, to put this as a TV (anytime) ad, well it’s not big and its not clever is it! Or maybe it is… it can apparently play the piano after all.

This next one I would put in the same basket as the fast food and exercise category. Gambling.
One night we saw an advert for Christchurch Casino, where it showed a good looking couple, clinking glasses, lots of positive noises in the background (everyone was winning that night) and telling you to visit the casino, everyone welcome, great night out blah blah….. later that night was another advert showing a sad faced and quite “pathetic” looking woman who had lost her house and family due to gambling debts (she must have gone on the "everyone is losing" night)… and went on to talk about problem gambling and what it can do to peoples lives.

Then there are the placards or “placecards”…. WTF is it with all these blumin’ placards on adverts. People standing there holding written placards in front of them, and dropping each card respectively. How CHEAP can you make adverts! Is it because the actors charge more if they have to speak? Is it to catch the hard of hearing viewers?... go figure.

Furniture and Bids (beds)… you must have seen the one featuring the psyched out blonde bint who talks about her dads “Bid” shop. Well, actually they do furniture as well now. Man is she LOUD or what? That’s not the worst though, the guy from the Harvey Norman ad, where the heck did they find him? I didn’t know our telly went that loud! Its not just that though, it’s the velocity at which he speaks. I have watched the ads, but if it wasn’t for the pictures, I wouldn’t know what they were selling! Are there special schools where they send people to learn to talk like that? He’s into his third sentence before my poor brain has comprehended the first three words he’s said. I was even joking with the wife the other night, and I said I wonder if he’s married, and if talks like that at home. He might even do everything loud and fast (c’mon keep up).

HI HONNEYWHATSFORDINER.. THATWASGREATFANCYANEARLYNIGHT… (zip, flop, shuffle shuffle) BANGBANGWOWTHATWASGREATHONEYNIGHTNIGHT….ZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZ

Last edited by Kevin; Jun 27th 2011 at 1:25 am. Reason: speeling mistook
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Old Jun 27th 2011, 1:50 am
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Default Re: New Zealand TV advertisements’ WTF??????

...and what about the fat frizzy haired numpty who encourages you to turn your “stuff” into “cash”…..Pawn shops (not Porn)… ah yes, what a great concept. Bring your personal belongings down to “Cash Converters” where we will be happy to give you at least a tenth of their true value in HARD CASH, so that you can go fritter it away on the latest set of shiny spinning hub caps for your fifteen year old ford falcon “ute”. Don’t worry, we will carefully and lovingly store your goods until next Giro day, when of course you will be so flush with extra cash, you will be able to come and retrieve your kids skateboard and your misuses three quarter carrot (I know) cubic zirconia engagement ring…
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Old Jun 27th 2011, 2:40 am
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Default Re: New Zealand TV advertisements’ WTF??????

48 views and no one is biting....lost their sense of humour maybe .
If anyone still wants to come to NZ despite reading that, all I can add is that it all adverts can be avoided by fast-forwarding so long as you include sufficient in your budget for the NZ equivalent of SkyPlus which I think is called Mysky+ here?

However if you go to the cinema, there's nothing you can do....the ads there are almost comically retro in their simplicity.
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Old Jun 27th 2011, 2:57 am
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Default Re: New Zealand TV advertisements’ WTF??????

Unfortunately this is all so very true. For those of you not over here, Kevin has not over exaggerated for comic effect by any stretch of the imagination. The number and frequency of ad breaks here is dire.

We get round the problem by using our HD DVD player. Start recording, do something else for approximately 1/4 of the programme's length and then start watching from the start as it is still recording. We do often 'catch up' with ourselves but it's cheaper than MySky!

My current hatred at the moment is Tony's Tyre Service, a bunch of tuneless mechanics singing and a rinky dink piano...Tony's Tyre Service...yeah!
No thanks, I'll be taking my tyres elsewhere since it irritates me so much
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Old Jun 27th 2011, 4:29 am
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Smile Re: New Zealand TV advertisements’ WTF??????

I just watch BBC on demand or download shows, don't even have a TV at the moment.
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Old Jun 27th 2011, 4:34 am
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Default Re: New Zealand TV advertisements’ WTF??????

Originally Posted by Persephone
Unfortunately this is all so very true. For those of you not over here, Kevin has not over exaggerated for comic effect by any stretch of the imagination. The number and frequency of ad breaks here is dire.

We get round the problem by using our HD DVD player. Start recording, do something else for approximately 1/4 of the programme's length and then start watching from the start as it is still recording. We do often 'catch up' with ourselves but it's cheaper than MySky!

My current hatred at the moment is Tony's Tyre Service, a bunch of tuneless mechanics singing and a rinky dink piano...Tony's Tyre Service...yeah!
No thanks, I'll be taking my tyres elsewhere since it irritates me so much
The most ads per hour of crap anywhere in the world. BTW Tony's are a co. I would NOT recommend. I think they try to get you to buy something that maybe you really didn't need. Point in case took my car in for a puncture..would you believe my tracking was out? Only had it done a few weeks previous and there was ZERO feathering on either front tyre (the latter being a symptom of tracking being out). They tried to blind me with science. This is why they offer the free puncture repair..to hopefully get you to buy something IMO. Another time they REFUSED point blank to honour their $10 cheaper than any competitor. I go to Beaurepairs.
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Old Jun 27th 2011, 5:01 am
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Default Re: New Zealand TV advertisements’ WTF??????

… anti-chafing cream. There’s another one….The animated breasts lolloping up and down and crashing together… the thigh-rub…. and that jingle! When I first saw that I thought it was a joke, but WOW, it is a real advert OMG! Do people actually buy this stuff? I bet they shuffle in to the Chemist shop and wait until no ones around, then at the last minute bottle out and end up asking for a 24 pack of condoms and a tube of KY jelly!....
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Old Jun 27th 2011, 5:08 am
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Default Re: New Zealand TV advertisements’ WTF??????

We've been here 4 weeks now and we've only just got a TV.

I agree the ads are horrific, they're like really bad Hale and Pace sketches.
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Old Jun 27th 2011, 5:16 am
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Default Re: New Zealand TV advertisements’ WTF??????

Originally Posted by barnsleymat
We've been here 4 weeks now and we've only just got a TV.

I agree the ads are horrific, they're like really bad Hale and Pace sketches.
Hey do yourself and your family a favour, either poke each others eyes out with a sharp stick, or get ya’selves and ya TV down to cash converters and get rid of it! Careful when you walk through the door though, theres usually a pile of Ab Circle Pro machines cluttering up the floor….. Anyway, from Barnsley, you should be used to not having a TV!
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Old Jun 27th 2011, 5:35 am
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Wink Re: New Zealand TV advertisements’ WTF??????

Originally Posted by Kevin
I bet they shuffle in to the Chemist shop and wait until no ones around, then at the last minute bottle out and end up asking for a 24 pack of condoms and a tube of KY jelly!....
Better still to do it in front of children for full effect "Can I have…a packet of condoms, an enema kit and a large bottle of anal lube?...O yes and Asprin for my wife. Always forget what you came in for don't you?".

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Old Jun 27th 2011, 6:10 am
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Default Re: New Zealand TV advertisements’ WTF??????

I totally agree, but at the moment the subway ad (wah-wah) makes me and my husband laugh out loud every single time so that makes up for the rubbish ones (that and the pukeko one).

We're resisting the urge to get an IP proxy and watch iplayer all the time cos the internet's soo expensive!
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Old Jun 27th 2011, 6:13 am
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Default Re: New Zealand TV advertisements’ WTF??????

Originally Posted by barnsleymat
We've been here 4 weeks now and we've only just got a TV.

I agree the ads are horrific, they're like really bad Hale and Pace sketches.
yup, totally agree Mat
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Old Jun 27th 2011, 6:47 am
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Default Re: New Zealand TV advertisements’ WTF??????

Yeah the adverts are crap.
In fact the TV generally is pretty appalling.

Still, as one of NZ's major critics, I have to say that is not a major gripe for me.

Get mySky and fast forward through the ads.
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Old Jun 27th 2011, 7:00 am
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Default Re: New Zealand TV advertisements’ WTF??????

Even that won't save you Kevin, those ads have a cunning way of getting into your subconscious even at x30 speed.

Get yourself one of those Smart TVs attach a USB keyboard and forget about broadcast TV. BAM! it's gone

Last edited by Expat Kiwi; Jun 27th 2011 at 7:01 am. Reason: p.s. you can also buy a set top Smart TV upgrader from LG.
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Old Jun 27th 2011, 7:01 am
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Default Re: New Zealand TV advertisements’ WTF??????

Even the advertising standards people like to mock the adverts:
www.dasr.org.nz

Personally, I love the Mitre10 ones
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