British Expats - New Zealand TV advertisements’ WTF??????

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New Zealand TV advertisements’ WTF??????

Now before I start, I know I kicked up a bit of a sh*t storm with my last post, where I gave my (our) view of New Zealand five years on. This time I’ll try not to generalise too much, as it obviously offended at least two people on the forum. I will just say that should anyone reading this not realise that I am writing it with a wry smile on my face, then they should move on… nothing to see here, move along! Also, for any Kiwi’s reading this, don’t worry, I have typed it slowly because I know you arn't fast readers. :rolleyes:

TV ads….. where do I even start? Well everyone’s gripe here I guess has to be the fact that they are so blinkin’ frequent! A one and a half hour film can take three hours to watch. Invariably we will start to watch a film, only to find that the bloomin’ adverts get more and more frequent (crafty huh?) as the film gets going. Apart from that, what numpty did they put in charge of “cutting in” the ads? They don’t wait for a natural break do they!... oh no, anywhere will do. How often are you on the edge of your seat watching the good guy chasing down the bad guy, the heroine tied to the track, the train almost upon her, and then what…. a fekin’ advert pops up for fekin’ pineapple fekin’ lumps!

I know I’ve commented before about the number of burger… sorry, “Pattie” ads on NZTV, but the frequency and actual “airtime” they get defies belief. We all know that there is a fat related health problem here, well pretty much world wide really. Just look at all the documentaries that keep airing, everything from worlds fattest man to group weight loss reality programs. I digress. But, back to the burger ads, well one night I counted nearly thirty fast food ads during the showing of one film. Now think on this, the film lasted nearly three hours, which if you think about it is over about a third of the time most folks spend at work each day. Now, to say that the actual film should have taken about a hour and a half, that means that I was sat on my arse for about an extra hour and a half whilst being bomarded by adverts for super-sized Big fekin’ Macs, shakes and fekin' fries, when I could have had more time to do something more rewarding like getting a frontal lobotomy perhaps.

By the end of the film, that is if you haven’t fallen asleep, which normally happens about two thirds in for me, that is unless the guy from “HARVEY NORMAN” or “BAM AND ITS GONE” come along, when I have been known to nearly poo myself as I’m ripped from the arms of a young Sophia Loren and blasted back to the reality of present day… anyway, by the end of the film the ads start taking on a strange twist. Gone are the cholesterol infused artery chokin’ gut swelling fast food ads, to be replaced by……… wait for it…….. adverts for fekin' exercise machines and weight loss programs, DVDs, Dance classes!!!!!!!!! I’ll let you into a secret now…. IT’S THE SAME COMPANY WHO HAVE BEEN SELLING YOU THE FEKIN’ BURGERS AND FRIES! And where the hell did they get those pair of numpty’s who advertise those things? Off they go swaying from side to side, all the time sporting a brilliant white (as only Americans can) set of gnashers, and a psychotic grin that Hannibal Lector would have been proud of.

Then there are the yucky ads, you know, the ones they always put on around meals times. Tampons, Incontinence pants, Erectile problems, Head lice… god take me, take me now while I am young, don't let me suffer...

I mean come on, the ad showing a Beaver (the real kind… you know, the animal!) then using it as an in your face innuendo for ladies products, and saying “looking after yourself down there”…… WOW, well it doesn’t get more “in your face” than that does it?. Well actually yes I believe it does. The advert of the two guys playing a duet on the piano, camera from the front, as they drop their pants and stand up, thankfully with their nether regions still out of camera shot (it will come though believe me!), and on they play, apparently “hands free”:blink:. Now, if I were still ten, at school, in the playground, I might have had a real laugh about that. However, to put this as a TV (anytime) ad, well it’s not big and its not clever is it! Or maybe it is… it can apparently play the piano after all. :eek:

This next one I would put in the same basket as the fast food and exercise category. Gambling.
One night we saw an advert for Christchurch Casino, where it showed a good looking couple, clinking glasses, lots of positive noises in the background (everyone was winning that night) and telling you to visit the casino, everyone welcome, great night out blah blah….. later that night was another advert showing a sad faced and quite “pathetic” looking woman who had lost her house and family due to gambling debts (she must have gone on the "everyone is losing" night)… and went on to talk about problem gambling and what it can do to peoples lives. :(

Then there are the placards or “placecards”…. WTF is it with all these blumin’ placards on adverts. People standing there holding written placards in front of them, and dropping each card respectively. How CHEAP can you make adverts! Is it because the actors charge more if they have to speak? Is it to catch the hard of hearing viewers?... go figure.

Furniture and Bids (beds)… you must have seen the one featuring the psyched out blonde bint who talks about her dads “Bid” shop. Well, actually they do furniture as well now. Man is she LOUD or what? That’s not the worst though, the guy from the Harvey Norman ad, where the heck did they find him? I didn’t know our telly went that loud! Its not just that though, it’s the velocity at which he speaks. I have watched the ads, but if it wasn’t for the pictures, I wouldn’t know what they were selling! Are there special schools where they send people to learn to talk like that? He’s into his third sentence before my poor brain has comprehended the first three words he’s said. I was even joking with the wife the other night, and I said I wonder if he’s married, and if talks like that at home. He might even do everything loud and fast (c’mon keep up).

HI HONNEYWHATSFORDINER.. THATWASGREATFANCYANEARLYNIGHT… (zip, flop, shuffle shuffle:blink:) BANGBANGWOWTHATWASGREATHONEYNIGHTNIGHT….ZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZ:zzz: