Neitherherenorthere

Long time lurker on here, I like reading the posts and getting a sense I am not the only one who can struggle. We moved to NZ 9 years ago - the move was inspired by my spouse, and I was reluctant, but agreed to move. We moved to a rural part of New Zealand, into a beautiful lifestyle block. I was what can only be described as bitterly homesick for the first year, finding it incredibly hard to settle, and determined to return to the UK. 9 years on, I would have loved to feel like things had settled. Sometimes they have - where we live is stunning, and we have thoroughly enjoyed all the outdoors gives us in terms of tramping/swimming/skiing/camping. The kids appear to be thriving at school, and my spouse and I have both got good, flexible jobs, which we frankly would be very unlikely to have, or get paid as well for, in the UK. In the first few years we returned to the UK every year as a very close family member was elderly. When they died, I was heartbroken, and in retrospect it took a long time to get over this. We made some friends in the area, though I realised too late one friendship group was quite toxic and it took a while to put distance between us. I still don't feel as though I had close connections here, best friends on the same wavelength or people I can truly be myself with. I had always told myself that no matter how hard things were, I could always get on a flight and go back. I obviously hadn't counted on pandemics! Despite obviously being so grateful to be here and be safe and well, I'm struggling with the sense of being 'locked in' here, though I know I could leave if I really wanted to. Both my parents are very unwell, one of them is unlikely to live much longer, and I often feel so sad my children wont really know their grandparents or relatives. I miss my friends in the UK, and when we did go back, how easy and simple our friendships were. My spouse loves it here and 100% does not want to return, and conversations about it between us get heated and unhelpful. I also accept this is probably the best place for my children - they would be unlikely to experience such free and easy lives in the UK. We are considering a move to another, larger town, in a few years, motivated by access to better schools for the kids, and I think this will be a good move - small town New Zealand can feel claustrophobic. Anyway, not sure what I'm looking for with this post. Just an outlet to vent to people who might understand the challenge of feeling neither here nor there, and having to make the best of what we have - which I do do most of the time, just really feeling like a sad sack recently and don't really have much of an outlet. Hence this post. Thanks for reading and don't let my whinging put you off coming here - it really is a wonderful country.

jarv5116

I have just been through the same with my wife.
We moved to NZ 3 years ago. Everything was going great both had decent jobs and having a good time exploring NZ.
Then we found out my wife was pregnant with our first baby. We had been trying for a baby for years. She was on leave due to covid then materianty leave after that so was off work for a year.
I think when she stopped working and socialising with people on a daily basis she found it extremely hard with no support network.
So decided to head home last month packed up jumped on a plane and went home.
I was admit I didn't ever want to go back to the UK as I enjoy NZ. We had loads of heated discussions about it aswell.
In the end we decided to go back to the UK.
See what happens. I would like to go back to NZ.
There is alot of worse places to be in the world than the UK.

Justcol

13 years in NZ for me now. I've been through the lot. Had wonderful ups and terrible downs. Came close to going home once but a real serious sit down and measure up told me that living in the UK would never come close my life in NZ, and I do actually really love living here The idea of hanging out with family and friends in reality didn't happen that much before and wouldn't happen again. I love talking with folks back home but I don't want any more than a visit every couple of years. We never lived in each other's pockets in the past and that wouldn't change. I miss my children who are both in Europe but they are adults would have flown the nest regardless of where I lived.
I think for many the past year has been an odd one. Being unable to travel overseas to see loved ones has actually increased the urge or need to do so. It's just mind games and I'm sure it will pass. The unfortunate thing is that while we have all taken similar paths to get here, our experiences and feelings when here are our own and I wouldn't like to make any life changing decisions based on our ramblings.

tht

I did 3-4 years down in NZ in my mid 20’s, was much easier as I was single, love the country and have lots of friends there still, 2 UK school friends moved and settled and made many more friends who were native through them and work. But for me the income to expense ratio in NZ is not great, especially when it came to houses, which are expensive relative to income. I moved New York via a couple of years in London and Ireland and have a much higher standard of living here. In the 10 years I have been here I have brought an apt in NYC, a house in the burbs in Fairfield County and a lake/ski house 1 hour inland from our beach town. The upside to the East coast US is also that it’s a direct flight to all my family in the UK and Europe.

MrsFychan

I completely understand. NZ certainly in not my forever place but I am grateful for the handling of the pandemic.
I also was bought over by OH's desires and he loves it here, me not so. My personal standard of day to day living is much lower here than what I had in the UK.
Work life here has also been very frustrating for me and has left me having to leave 2 jobs to maintain my self respect, integrity and principals. I am now not working as my confidence is extremely low and it has really knocked me sideways.
Unfortunately for me since being here there seems not to be a time where anything has really run nicely, I have always seemed to be sorting out crap, be it crap from bullying at school (having to escalate to the Minister of Education to sort) & work to problems with getting a competent Dr.
My DD left and returned to the UK as soon as she left college, only returning a year later because of covid and we expect when she is able she may well leave again.

Obviously this is just my own personal experience and feelings and others will have completely opposite experiences and feelings.

Skiwi

After 13 years in NZ we have just returned to the UK. Was very homesick and found it harder to get back for visits. We started planning our move 2/3 years ago and obviously didn't factor coming back in a pandemic!
Have to be honest and say we are very much regretting it already but we've only been back 3 months so maybe things will change for the better. We had a great lifestyle in NZ and children were settled with good schools and plenty of access to sports. We had a great group of friends and were part of great wee community. In hindsight I wished we'd just come back for an extended holiday before covid but was pining for the UK after not been home for 4 years.
The UK seems very miserable with litter everywhere, broken roads, empty shops. Im hoping after covid things will improve for us and we will see a better outlook for the future here. I think my homesickness for NZ is worse than my homesickness for the UK ever was!
I hope things work out for you wherever you decide to settle.

Justcol

I visit the UK regularly and always come away thinking it's just a massive shit hole. If family weren't there I wouldn't give it a second thought. It's a dirty scruffy mess of a place full of overly aggressive angry people. It never lived up to the hype brought on by homesickness

Moses2013

Those who moved to NZ and really liked it there will rarely settle when they go back to UK. If you enjoyed less crowded places and were well off financially the family pull has to be very strong. 13 years ago was still a good time to go and housing was more or less still affordable in NZ but those who moved in recent years and don't have big savings often struggle, be it NZ, Canada, Australia etc.. Obviously it's also down to location, so no idea which part of the UK you are. We left the UK 10 years ago now and NZ was on the list but for me personally just too far away to settle. We wanted to stay in Europe and Ireland was the only real option and just glad we moved back then. I agree that England can be rough in parts and since we live in the West of Ireland, cities like Birmingham can be a shock. Although beautiful I have no desire to travel as far as NZ these days. We usually drive to Catalonia but I think I'll try and explore more of Galica in the future. So close but most Brits avoid that part of Spain and feels like NZ when on the beach there.

Clappy

That's alright - have a vent. I have been here for twelve years and have by no means joined-up with the happy cheerleaders for this country but you get-what-you-get.

Neitherherenorthere

Thank you everyone for your lovely replies - they have been so good to read. I think Justcol was right in that being told we cant go overseas really exacerbates the wish to do so. We're not going anywhere, and after writing this I pulled my head in a bit and reminded myself to make the absolute best of what we have here - which is a lot. And now just waiting very (in)patiently for those borders to open so we can see family before it's too late. Those of you who continue to experience homesickness, how do you manage it?

gnasher72

Makes sense that it's the same syndrome that has a few of us jumping on here at the same time. I haven't even looked at one of these forums since we emigrated 13 years ago, and yet here I am, wrestling with the same feelings as several of you are describing. Your first post was pretty much exactly what I would have written. I love our home and life here, kids are happy, and I know we would miss many things about NZ if we were to move back, and not have such a great lifestyle, but it does ultimately feel selfish to live here, knowing family members miss us and they won't be there forever, and I would like to strengthen the children's ties to their cousins etc. A friend here who's a psychologist says she's accepted her guilt in deciding to live here and feels okay with it – which is very zen – but I don't. I think I've always felt like this, but haven't been so close to returning before.

Extended visits and FaceTime are the only way I think, although we usually have to split the family up to do it, which is less than ideal.

Have really appreciated hearing that other people are going through similar issues, so thank you for the contributions to this thread.

Justcol

Road trip.
the wife and I drift aimlessly around the back roads of the south island. It clears the head and is good for the soul

tht

I would never leave the US to be a JAFA again, the traffic was worse there than my NYC commute was, but have to agree on the South Island, could spend endless time down around Queenstown Fiord land, and on road trips like Arthur’s pass or out around Akaroa. And there are parts of the North Island I miss, the West Coast, bay of Islands, skiing on an active volcano…. I can’t imagine ever wanting to return to the UK from the US, NZ has much more appeal.

Pom_Chch

Remember that it's just a phase and the feelings won't last forever. Take a holiday in NZ, go for a road trip and let your hair down 😁

Justcol

I lasted 2 years in Auckland, moved out 8 years ago. Living there again would feel like a living nightmare