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mum won't talk about it

mum won't talk about it

Old Feb 19th 2010, 6:56 pm
  #1  
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Unhappy mum won't talk about it

We've got so much to plan, to say, to arrange, to talk excitedly about and dream and yet my mum won't hear a word about it.... EMMIGRATION!

I think she believes that if she doesn't bring it up it won't happen. I am bursting! At this rate we would be leaving in a matter of weeks (some time soon) and then it will hit her even harder.

We are close but are not in each others pockets, never have been. She likes her freedom. Babysitting has never fit it comfortably with her so she has never done that. In fact she doesn't really do the nanny thing very much at all, so I don't see how us leaving will really affect her, but I think it does.

Has anyone else had this problem, doing the '3 monkey thingy'?
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Old Feb 19th 2010, 8:00 pm
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Default Re: mum won't talk about it

Yes. My Dad was like that even after I arrived here. He didn't live in our pockets either.
Looking back it was a form of bereavement because the daughter he loved was going so very far away.
All I can say is keep on seeing her and letting her know what's happening. She'll process it all in her own way and in her own time.
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Old Feb 19th 2010, 8:58 pm
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Default Re: mum won't talk about it

As harsh as it sounds, everybody has gone through this in some form or another. I've been lucky that my parents support me fully but even if they didn't, it wouldn't matter. This is YOUR LIFE, you live it YOUR way. They are YOUR kids and you choose how and where to bring them up. The world has shrunk considerably over the years. What was a 6 week boat trip 40 / 50 years ago, is now a day away by plane, or even seconds away by Skype. A great destination for your parents during the Christmas weeks......
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Old Feb 19th 2010, 11:48 pm
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Default Re: mum won't talk about it

I feel sorry for you as it must be difficult to know what to do. You want to let her know what is happening but she won't listen.
Just keep trying, talk about it even if she changes the subject or walks away. The more you do this, the more chance she has of coming round to the move. Otherwise it will be much harder for her when you finally tell her you've got leaving dates. Sounds like she's doing the classic 'if I don't talk about or face up to something, then it won't happen and everything will be just fine, life will carry on as normal' It won't of course, and when it comes to time to get on that plane it will be so much more difficult for all of you.
At the moment she can pretend it isn't happening when really it would be better if she was involved and maybe felt like she had some say in the matter eg how to communicate with the grandkids and yourselves, time differences, when to phone and how often, whether she'll visit NZ and so on.
I was lucky, my parents were in on it right from the start and have never said anything negative to me, even if they may be thinking it. And I'm sure neither of them wanted me to leave the country I would have found it hard if they'd refused to listen to me telling them what was happening and how far along the process was.
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Old Feb 20th 2010, 2:22 am
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Default Re: mum won't talk about it

Originally Posted by gags View Post
We've got so much to plan, to say, to arrange, to talk excitedly about and dream and yet my mum won't hear a word about it.... EMMIGRATION!

I think she believes that if she doesn't bring it up it won't happen. I am bursting! At this rate we would be leaving in a matter of weeks (some time soon) and then it will hit her even harder.

We are close but are not in each others pockets, never have been. She likes her freedom. Babysitting has never fit it comfortably with her so she has never done that. In fact she doesn't really do the nanny thing very much at all, so I don't see how us leaving will really affect her, but I think it does.

Has anyone else had this problem, doing the '3 monkey thingy'?
Hiya, I have gone through the exact same thing with my mother. It was really such an awful time for me - kinda bitter sweet - excitement at finally starting a new life but sadness that it would all be without my irish family. My advise would be similar to what the others have said. You only get one shot at life so make it a happy one. Your doing whats right for YOUR family and no mother in the world could fault you for that. In saying that, its hard for your mother she is the one left behind. She will only be lonely if she chooses to be. Its just the lead up to the send off that will be hardest cause of course she doesnt want to loose that physical contact with you. If you can see it from her point of view, it will be easier to understand. My mother did not want to talk to me about it at all but I kept it up, asking her all the time what she thought, tried to involve her a bit, made her understand OUR reasons for going, it was a nightmare really cause shes not easy to please! and sadly she didnt come round to the idea until a good deal of time after we left. But she did come round. Hopefully your mother will too xxx

The very best of luck!
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Old Feb 20th 2010, 8:01 am
  #6  
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Default Re: mum won't talk about it

AS OP have previously put it so well cant add too much.

My Mum would literally say nothing whenever I mentioned NZ when we first told my parents we were definitely going. She showed not the slightest bit of interest whenever I raised the subject. She will now talk about how our house sale is going (or not going) and has at least nodded when I have mentioned emigrating.

So far this year she has not once picked up the phone to call me to see how we are, or how the grandchildren are. But will get the hump if I do not call her My parents only live 45mins away I always go over to see them, very rarely will she suggest coming to us. I think if I told her this she would be very surprised & would not believe me.
But she is who she is and I can either get upset at her or just accept thats her

Such is life, I worry about how much effort she will make once we go but who knows maybe she will try more She is the one who is computer literate so I will rely on her to help my Dad, who is really pleased for us.

You do only get one life & I agree live it for you & your family not others even if that means making tough choices.

Good luck

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Old Feb 20th 2010, 9:05 am
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Default Re: mum won't talk about it

Looking at OP comments, it seems like this is a fairly common occurence.....and yes it happened with my mum too.

We told her this time last year that we would be moving and I was surprised at how well she took it, but looking back it was because she didn't really beleive us. Every time I mentioned our move to her after that she didn't really listen and would chang the subject (I didn't think too much of this as she does this with everything I talk about).
Then towards the end of last year it was beginning to upset me as she didn't seem that bothered that I would maybe see her only once or twice more before we left - we live about 3 hrs drive away and she never comes to visit us, as she can't leave her dog, so it's always us making the trip to her and we don't drive.
Even after I told her we'd got a case officer and that yes we would be going within the next couple of months she still wouldn't talk about it and didn't seem interested.
What made her suddenly take us seriously, was her seeing our facebook invite to my sister about our leaving party. The next time I spoke to her after that we were on the phone for 45mins (usually it's 10mins or so) and she asked so so much about our move - all stuff I'd told her before, mind you!!

Anyway, I think my advice would be similar to everyone elses - keep trying to talk to her about the move and she'll come around eventually (I hope!). I think it's a form of denial, so just bear with her.
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Old Feb 20th 2010, 12:53 pm
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Default Re: mum won't talk about it

I too have had this problem! Most people thought I wouldn't go through with it, but I leave on Tuesday!!! I am a mix of emotions, a lot to do with family though. They kinda make me feel guilty for going and taking my son away from them. If I am excited I upset them and if I'm trying not to show it, I upset my husband. Anyway, I am determined to go and give it a shot. Let's face it, it's something I want to do and I think it will be a good life for my son, and if it's something you want to do, you have to try. Regret things you do, not things you don't. Families Denise
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Old Feb 20th 2010, 3:48 pm
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Default Re: mum won't talk about it

Thanks for all the comments. It has helped.
She is in denial. She even mentions about Christmas 2010 and who's house we will be round and where we will all sit! Giving me plants and seeds for the garden that with come up near AUTUMN! How all the decorating I am doing at the moment (obviously because we will be selling) will do us for another 5 years before we have to do it again!

My mum has always done her own thing. Was widowed young and had to bring up me and my brother, and I sometimes felt we got in her way, although she would deny this.

She also emmigrated to Spain when I was 16 and I stayed in UK alone. It didn't work out and she came back. Broke. Is married again now and does have her own life. She and my brother don't really speak anymore (past family stuff) and so I suppose I am IT, her family.

She does visit, but not always to just see and spend time with the kids, which makes me very sad. They grow so quick.

In a way all this makes it feel a little easier for me to move, but she's my mum and I want to share it!

So I will do what you all advise and mention it on and off. I need her support now, not really asked much from her before now. Sounds abit sad but I'm in my 40's now and that's the sad truth.

Maybe I've answered my own questions, rambling like I am. It didn't workout for my mum and she can see her daughter now doing it. Regrets and sadness from my mum that it didn't work for her? Maybe. History repeating itself but now I will be leaving her alone? Possibly.

Complicated lady, but you do only live once and I have always put my family first but on this occasion we are doing this for ourselves and our future. Even our kids will make their own way eventually and do whatever they want, go wherever they want. So I am being nicely selfish, and thinking of me and my hubby.

Sorry for the rambling. Helps to get it out my head though. I just hope after all this soul searching and mental torture WE DO IT! Sometimes, first thing in the morning and last thing at night I think (and so does hubby) 'WHAT IN THE NAME OF GOD DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING!!!!

X
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Old Feb 21st 2010, 10:48 pm
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Default Re: mum won't talk about it

My wife has/is going through a very similar thing with her Mom, but it goes back a loooooong way!

I won't go over the long details all the way back, but basically once we decided to emigrate and told out parents they went 2 ways. My folks immediatly broke down in tears on the phone, and although they didn't want us to go, they knew we would and would be happy doing it so they supported and still do support it. My wifes mom basically didn't want to know and niether did either of her brothers. They all live a very tight knit life and we didn't really get a look in. When we moved in together, 1st time both of us left home, we brought a house 4 miles away from her family, yet an hour from mine. We basically never saw her family after that unless we made the effort, they never did.

Anyway, from the moment our parents knew, my folks were always coming round, wanting to do things etc, yet the MIL didn't really care. When we tried to talk about it she would get angry about things and glaze over so you knew she weren't listening. Her brothers almost disowned her, no reasons why but you can tell its because she was leaving the family street and by doing that she was almost saying it wasn't good enough for her. Does that make sense?

Anyway, since we left the wife has spoke to her mom probably 3-4 times in a year and each time she doesn't really ask about us at all, instead telling us all the time what she had done instead. My wife got a job the other day so emailed her Mom and didn't even get a congratulations, instead just got pictures on the MIL's latest holiday. I know it eats my wife up how her Mom is, but you do just have to get on with it, no matter how hard it is.

Families are funny things aren't they.

My brother hasn't spoken to me in years, because when I got married just me and wife went away and did it. Long story but the wifes dad was dying of cancer at the time and even though we wanted to change it to do it in the UK so he could be there, because we had already planned to go abroad they told us not to change our plans as they knew how much that wedding meant to my wife. And from all of this, because my brother didn't come he took that as a personal insult for ruining the wedding for him and now won't speak to me. Stuff him, nasty peice of crap.

Anyway, keep your chin up and try not to worry. Its your life now and your doing what you need for you and your family to be happy and thats the most important thing.
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Old Feb 22nd 2010, 7:14 am
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Default Re: mum won't talk about it

Originally Posted by gags View Post
We've got so much to plan, to say, to arrange, to talk excitedly about and dream and yet my mum won't hear a word about it.... EMMIGRATION!

I think she believes that if she doesn't bring it up it won't happen. I am bursting! At this rate we would be leaving in a matter of weeks (some time soon) and then it will hit her even harder.

We are close but are not in each others pockets, never have been. She likes her freedom. Babysitting has never fit it comfortably with her so she has never done that. In fact she doesn't really do the nanny thing very much at all, so I don't see how us leaving will really affect her, but I think it does.

Has anyone else had this problem, doing the '3 monkey thingy'?
I think my mother and yours are probably sisters or something. Mine never mentioned us going away. She DID ask if there were no houses we could buy that we'd like better than where we were. Nothing else though. I would keep talking about it but she didn't. Then. We were leaving on a Monday and on the Saturday she's at the hairdressers when we get a call that she's had a bit of a turn and is going away in an ambulance. When my sister suggested that it was because I was leaving I was honestly dumbfounded. We'd never had that kind of relationship. I've got four younger sisters she has around her almost all the time so why would she be upset about the distant one leaving? Well, turns out she was. It was only a bit of a panic attack and a combination of my leaving and being told that her blood pressure was high (so not ALL my fault!) and she's been great ever since. Five years later I get phone calls in the middle of the night where she hasn't still got her head around the time difference but other than that..

Except, when I went back a couple of years ago the first thing (and I mean the VERY first thing) she said to me was "so, do you think you'll stay?"

I wouldn't worry too much. Just because people seem to want to spill their guts all the time these days, doesn't mean that everyone does. She's coping in her own way. I'd make sure she's set up with broadband and Skype without making a big deal of it (if she hasn't got broadband, factor in xxx months usage as part of your emigration costs and pay it upfront for her!). You have to remember that at one time emigration meant never seeing that family member again so as long as she knows that's not going to be the case it's all going to be ok. Can you shout her a ticket over here? In my family there are too many children for them to be able to afford to come over just yet so for now they all contribute to a ticket back for me every couple of years. We're all happy that way
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Old Feb 22nd 2010, 4:55 pm
  #12  
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Default Re: mum won't talk about it

Families ah?

Since I wrote last on this subject I still have not managed to mention to my mum......you know........ummm....that New Zealand thingy!

Will talk about it to her on Thursday.

Seems I am not alone. my MIL was all for it when we told her and said 'go for it while you can'. Since then she has died so we kind of want to do it also for her and her blessings.

Thanks to you all for the support x
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