Missing family

Old Oct 16th 2010, 12:46 pm
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Default Missing family

Hello
I'm sure there's a fair few of us out there...but I'm another English girl who travelled to NZ, met a kiwi fella, fell in love (with him and the country) and moved out to NZ almost 3 years ago. I'm very happy with it all & we enjoy a great life out here together, but I struggle so much with missing my family at home. I am so so close to my parents and my brother and I find it really hard to be without them in my every day life.
I head home about once a year to see them but I just hate missing the small things...and having to 'schedule' in times to skype because of the time difference and not being able to just pick up the phone whenever I want for a chat gets me down. Not being able to head over mums for a cuppa, not being able to go shopping together etc.....
I'm just wondering if there's anyone in a similar situation who can offer me some advice? I love my kiwi fella and want to make a go of life properly in NZ but I feel I always have one foot back in England and it kind of gets in the way of letting me move forward in NZ. How do I let go of my family? They are SOOO important to me. My family are supportive and know I'm happy in NZ but they all want me home really and find it very hard me being away.
One of the things that really gets me is thinking about the time when I have my own family (I'm 28) - and my parents not really getting to know their grandchildren. It makes me so so sad (and it makes them sad too). BUT, I love my partner and I love NZ and while life in UK would be a lot easier (family nearby etc) it would mean losing my partner and the lifestyle I love so much in NZ.
Please help anyone!!!!
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Old Oct 16th 2010, 6:06 pm
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Default Re: Missing family

Originally Posted by SuffolkbritinNZ View Post
Hello
I'm sure there's a fair few of us out there...but I'm another English girl who travelled to NZ, met a kiwi fella, fell in love (with him and the country) and moved out to NZ almost 3 years ago. I'm very happy with it all & we enjoy a great life out here together, but I struggle so much with missing my family at home. I am so so close to my parents and my brother and I find it really hard to be without them in my every day life.
I head home about once a year to see them but I just hate missing the small things...and having to 'schedule' in times to skype because of the time difference and not being able to just pick up the phone whenever I want for a chat gets me down. Not being able to head over mums for a cuppa, not being able to go shopping together etc.....
I'm just wondering if there's anyone in a similar situation who can offer me some advice? I love my kiwi fella and want to make a go of life properly in NZ but I feel I always have one foot back in England and it kind of gets in the way of letting me move forward in NZ. How do I let go of my family? They are SOOO important to me. My family are supportive and know I'm happy in NZ but they all want me home really and find it very hard me being away.
One of the things that really gets me is thinking about the time when I have my own family (I'm 28) - and my parents not really getting to know their grandchildren. It makes me so so sad (and it makes them sad too). BUT, I love my partner and I love NZ and while life in UK would be a lot easier (family nearby etc) it would mean losing my partner and the lifestyle I love so much in NZ.
Please help anyone!!!!
You can always get another partner, a family that you are so, so close to IS irreplaceable. You really need to make a choice and one fast. You sound like you are in neither place whole heartedly. I do feel for you and I was not being sarcastic about your partner. Reading between the lines it sounds like your familiy in the UK are more important. The lifestyle in NZ and Nz its self are not really that important eh? Not as important as your family? I would open up to your partner and tell him how you feel. Is there any chance he might go live in the UK? Listen, we only get ONE life. Do what is right for you. You are no 1 in this equation.
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Old Oct 16th 2010, 6:11 pm
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Default Re: Missing family

Originally Posted by SuffolkbritinNZ View Post
......How do I let go of my family? .......
You don't, sorry.
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Old Oct 16th 2010, 6:56 pm
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Default Re: Missing family

Originally Posted by hazeandsteve View Post
You don't, sorry.
I second that.

And, whilst you are very lucky to be able to go back to UK once a year to visit now, unless you/your partner are earning heeps you'll probably find that's not possible once you have children. Haven't been home in the nearly 8 years since we left cos we can't afford flights for 5!

Sorry to sound negative, but these are things you need to think about now. Like you I am (was?) very close to my mum and used to call round, shop etc etc with her on a regular basis. I haven't seen her for nearly four years. She has a laptop with skype but doesn't like using it, so we make do with fortnightly phone calls - and it hurts both of us like hell (sometimes I think I'd rather not bother with them cos they often just upset me). Pretty pointless phone calls too since she can't relate to my conversation about mundane things here - well, there's no point telling her about a special offer at Briscoes is there? Even the other night when she asked about where we went for dinner for my birthday was pointless cos she had no idea about where I was telling her the restaurant was.

It's all about choices I'm afraid.....
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Old Oct 17th 2010, 1:17 am
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Default Re: Missing family

Originally Posted by hazeandsteve View Post
You don't, sorry.
You can I believe, not always but sometimes..if you so wish. You have to order your priorities within your psyche. Having said that if the tie is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO strong it's going to be hard to do and maybe impossible. I could not do without my 3 children or wife. Some people have to deal with waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay bigger things in their lives than simply missing their family. It can be overcome IF you wish to overcome it ( I am not of sufficeint emotional fortitude alas!!). From the way the OP sounded I would be on my way back..hopefully with her partner if he can deal with missing his kin. There is no point in being half happy somewhere. You need to be as content as you can I think to have a half decent life. I am content in NZ, I was not in the UK. Having said ALL that if my wife could no longer exist here and my kids wanted to return to the UK I would return with them because I have such a huge bond with them now that I would do anything or go anywhere to be with them. I would be prepered to give up what I have in NZ to simply be with them. Because my kids and Kate are everything to me..like the OPs family are back in the UK. I could not overcome my all encompassing love for those 4 special peopel and do without my family. However I have been able to deal with leaving the family that I grew up with, I altered my mindset and set new priorities.

Last edited by Genesis; Oct 17th 2010 at 2:15 am.
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Old Oct 17th 2010, 6:33 am
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Default Re: Missing family

Most will agree that the male/female attachment are different, and I believe your reply confirms that.
Daughter /Mum far closer than Father/Son.
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Old Oct 17th 2010, 7:37 am
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Default Re: Missing family

I've been here for 11 years and miss my family and friends terribly still

I second all the people that say that you should have a very honest conversation with your partner soon as it doesn't get easier with kids involved.
I do feel more connected here now that I'm a mum but I get so so jealous of my friends' whose kids get to see each other. I'm gutted that my daughter has no cousins here.

My dear dear friend who is my OH's aunt is moving back to the UK soon and I don't know how my daughter and I will survive that emotionally.

I would say...make him go back with you or make all your family come out here.
family and connection are so important
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Old Oct 17th 2010, 7:46 am
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Default Re: Missing family

I agree with Woodpigeon, it is only going to get harder once you have children. If you have a close and supportive relationship with your family, then having children of your own can sometimes intensify the feelings of missing them.

Before I had my daughter I was not really homesick at all, I missed NZ (I am in the UK) but enjoyed my life here to the extent that I never thought seriously about returning. Had my daughter and suddenly craved being in my homeland, being close to my family. Probably doesn't help that we have no family close by here, may have been different if we did - not sure.

Is your partner open to moving to the UK for a while? Sounds like no as you say you face returning to the UK on your own??

Tough decisions but I think if you are feeling people/homesick now it has the potential to grow....and as many people can tell you it can make life pretty awful!!!
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Old Oct 17th 2010, 11:01 am
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Default Re: Missing family

Thank you for your comments. Unfortunately, I have talked this one to death with my partner. It's been an issue for the past 12 months - with me never fully settling in NZ as I never knew quite how long I'd be there because I missed home such a lot. I returned to UK in June this year as my grandfather passed away and decided to stay a bit longer as I got some work. Since then, my kiwi fella has flown out to UK and met all my family (finally, after 3 years together!!) which went great and we had a wonderful time together. He is now back in NZ and being amazingly patient while he waits to hear if I'm going back.
He says he will live in UK for a year or two (but not for a few years, due to work) - but he'll never live here for good. He's always been very honest with me about this though and I've always known he wouldn't leave NZ (he lived in UK years ago.) He's very understanding about how hard this is for me, especially as he knows he himself couldnt leave NZ. I guess the difference is, I love NZ, have friends there, work there etc and am happy to live there. He would hate being in UK for good.
Im still in UK at moment with all my family and can't decide what the hell to do - stay or go back? I miss him so so much and love our life back in NZ, but leaving my family here now is breaking my heart - because I know it will be forever.
I am so torn. People keep saying 'go with your instinct' but honest truth is, my heart lays with both. I would prefer to live my life in NZ, with my fella than here in UK - but I also desperately want my family in my life and I know I can't have both and I have no idea how to decide which one is going to make me happier in the long run.
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Old Oct 17th 2010, 6:13 pm
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Default Re: Missing family

I would have found your adventure quite hard at 28 too. I just wondered, how your family are with you?? You seem to be wanting to "let them go" - although due to modern communications that won't happen - , but they could help you in that journey too. Are they able to help? or are they desperate for you to stay in the UK, which is not helping your decision if that is the case......

Jan
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Old Oct 17th 2010, 7:19 pm
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Default Re: Missing family

Did you not think of these things 3 years ago when you moved. We talk alot about how to keep in touch and how to get over those "missing family" feelings.

I suppose its about getting into a routine in NZ and then inviting your family (you miss) into that routine; using the various technological communication advances the 21C has provided.

Don't let time difference put you off, have a set time each week when you can call family. I have seen it work..work well actually! Skype is free (to some extent) utilise that freeness and really chit chat. Have good things in your NZ routine to talk about, make it like a local chat.

I can imagine your family is more envious of you living in NZ and missing you just as much. Talk to your family about it and come to some kind of comprise, it may very well make both if you fell better.

We can probably update this reply when we are in the situation, until then I can only imagine what it like and give you advice as to what both me and jo will do.
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Old Oct 17th 2010, 7:48 pm
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Well firstly, yes - my family do find it very hard, especially my mum. We're very close and since she lost her parents four years ago, her immediate family has shrunk massively with me going too (she is married and I do have a brother in UK but thats about it). So yes, the pressure from them, about how sad it will be for them not to really know their grandchildren and how much they miss me and wish I was in UK - of course makes it so much harder for me. I feel so guilty!

As for did I not think about this 3 years ago, well no not at all - because I only ever headed to NZ on a 3 week holiday! I loved it and decided to head back on a one year WHV and have just been lucky to keep extending my working visa by a year so each time I've been there, it's always kind of been 'until next year'. I always knew I'd struggle to stay forever, but I had to keep going back because I love my partner and I love NZ! ahhhh
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Old Oct 17th 2010, 8:44 pm
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Default Re: Missing family

Originally Posted by SuffolkbritinNZ View Post
As for did I not think about this 3 years ago, well no not at all - because I only ever headed to NZ on a 3 week holiday! I loved it and decided to head back on a one year WHV and have just been lucky to keep extending my working visa by a year so each time I've been there, it's always kind of been 'until next year'. I always knew I'd struggle to stay forever, but I had to keep going back because I love my partner and I love NZ! ahhhh
That sounds like me!
I came for 3 weeks when I was 25. Went home for 5 months to save up, turned 26 and came back on 1 year WHV.
My grandad said at the train station "make sure you come back" and I reassured him that I would.
I never felt that it was a permanent move so didn't do all the goodbyes really.
Well I came over in the September and married in the April and that was that really.
Baby came along the following year and the stage was set.

So definitely do all of your thinking now as sometimes it seems that life gets carried away and there's no way to stop it
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Old Oct 17th 2010, 8:48 pm
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Default Re: Missing family

Are you happy still in NZ?? You maybe sound a little like you wish you could be back in UK?

I think to be honest, I've OVER THOUGHT it all, if thats possible. I'm too scared to end up in a situation I can't get out of so I go through every possibility at the moment before I make a decision - it's kind of holding me back!!!

Thanks for the advice though, I appreciate what you're saying.

Have you found it hard having the baby over there, away from your UK family? I hope you don't mind me asking....
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Old Oct 17th 2010, 10:43 pm
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Default Re: Missing family

I have some tough times when I want to be there.

I didn’t really think about it when I moved. I was pretty impetuous. But if I had thought about it, I would still have done it as I was in love!
I thought that it would be easier to get home but I haven’t been for five years and now with a mortgage it seems even harder.

I am lucky that one of my oldest friends is in NZ too (6 hours drive away though) so that helps me feel connected. Plus my hubby knew me there. Otherwise it would feel like I had created a whole new persona here. I did feel for some time that I was all at sea with no familiar landmarks

As my parents age I feel the pull to be there. My adored grandmother had a stroke and is in a rest home and can’t write to me anymore. My adored grandfather died. Babies are born. People get married and I miss it all.

As for having a baby
I felt so lonely in the early times. OH doesn’t have a lot of friends and I was thinking that it should have been the best time but there were few visitors and people to help out. I really struggled, went a bit mad. Came right in the end and it was character building!!!
I used to phone my parents in the middle of the night when I was lonely and feeding which was handy though!



Life is good here. I have in-laws and friends. A house and a cat but always a bit of a void. My OH would never consider living there and I can never take my daughter over there without him so if I wanted to go I would have to go alone
So believe me, it is very easy to get stuck
My plan is to go there for a year when she turns 18

only 9 more years

Feel free to PM me
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