Missing family

Old Oct 18th 2010, 8:16 am
  #16  
jmh
BE Forum Addict
 
jmh's Avatar
 
Joined: Jan 2009
Location: South Auckland
Posts: 2,228
jmh has a reputation beyond reputejmh has a reputation beyond reputejmh has a reputation beyond reputejmh has a reputation beyond reputejmh has a reputation beyond reputejmh has a reputation beyond reputejmh has a reputation beyond reputejmh has a reputation beyond reputejmh has a reputation beyond reputejmh has a reputation beyond reputejmh has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Missing family

Originally Posted by pricklykina

As my parents age I feel the pull to be there. My adored grandmother had a stroke and is in a rest home and can’t write to me anymore. My adored grandfather died. Babies are born. People get married and I miss it all.
Yeah my mum was seriously ill in hospital a few years back and I couldn't go to see her in hospital. Fortunately she is fine now, but my dad has a heart condition . This and missing the other family events like weddings and babies being born are what has led me to return home for now. Luckily I have no ties so it's not so difficult for me.
jmh is offline  
Old Oct 18th 2010, 8:36 am
  #17  
HAPPY AS...
 
hazeandsteve's Avatar
 
Joined: May 2006
Location: Taupo
Posts: 1,068
hazeandsteve has a reputation beyond reputehazeandsteve has a reputation beyond reputehazeandsteve has a reputation beyond reputehazeandsteve has a reputation beyond reputehazeandsteve has a reputation beyond reputehazeandsteve has a reputation beyond reputehazeandsteve has a reputation beyond reputehazeandsteve has a reputation beyond reputehazeandsteve has a reputation beyond reputehazeandsteve has a reputation beyond reputehazeandsteve has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Missing family

My Mum died earlier this year, but she managed a visit to here a while ago when she was still good to travel.
She always said that she missed me desperately since we emigrated, despite the fact she only saw me three of four times a year when we lived in UK.
We kept up the Sunday phone calls that I'd done since I joined the army at 16, and I made a point of calling every week for about 25 years unless extreme circumstances prevailed. This continued into her sitting smiling at my brother's computer while I talked on Skype.....she never got that it was a one on one really.

The point of this ramble is that once she visited, she said she could understand why we did it, and just wanted to come again.

Don't know if this helps, but it helps me to know that we could stay close even at a distance,

Best of luck with your dilemma, it's not an easy one to fix.
hazeandsteve is offline  
Old Oct 18th 2010, 12:32 pm
  #18  
BE Enthusiast
 
dannigirl's Avatar
 
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 696
dannigirl has a reputation beyond reputedannigirl has a reputation beyond reputedannigirl has a reputation beyond reputedannigirl has a reputation beyond reputedannigirl has a reputation beyond reputedannigirl has a reputation beyond reputedannigirl has a reputation beyond reputedannigirl has a reputation beyond reputedannigirl has a reputation beyond reputedannigirl has a reputation beyond reputedannigirl has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Missing family

Originally Posted by pricklykina
I have some tough times when I want to be there.

I didn’t really think about it when I moved. I was pretty impetuous. But if I had thought about it, I would still have done it as I was in love!
I thought that it would be easier to get home but I haven’t been for five years and now with a mortgage it seems even harder.

I am lucky that one of my oldest friends is in NZ too (6 hours drive away though) so that helps me feel connected. Plus my hubby knew me there. Otherwise it would feel like I had created a whole new persona here. I did feel for some time that I was all at sea with no familiar landmarks

As my parents age I feel the pull to be there. My adored grandmother had a stroke and is in a rest home and can’t write to me anymore. My adored grandfather died. Babies are born. People get married and I miss it all.

As for having a baby
I felt so lonely in the early times. OH doesn’t have a lot of friends and I was thinking that it should have been the best time but there were few visitors and people to help out. I really struggled, went a bit mad. Came right in the end and it was character building!!!
I used to phone my parents in the middle of the night when I was lonely and feeding which was handy though!



Life is good here. I have in-laws and friends. A house and a cat but always a bit of a void. My OH would never consider living there and I can never take my daughter over there without him so if I wanted to go I would have to go alone
So believe me, it is very easy to get stuck
My plan is to go there for a year when she turns 18

only 9 more years

Feel free to PM me
Pricklykina - reading that makes me so sad I totally understand how you feel really, the longer I stay here the more "comfortable" it gets I guess....but I don't think I will ever "fit" in 100%. The lovely thing about this site is that it has made me realise that if push came to shove I could probably live in the UK for the rest of my days (if I had to, wouldn't be easy but I think I could do it) There are so many positive things here but my heart remains in NZ.

Gloomy skies in London today, I am getting all depressed!
dannigirl is offline  
Old Oct 18th 2010, 4:10 pm
  #19  
Forum Regular
 
Joined: Jun 2010
Location: Porirua, Wellington
Posts: 207
Mrs Pointer is just really niceMrs Pointer is just really niceMrs Pointer is just really niceMrs Pointer is just really niceMrs Pointer is just really niceMrs Pointer is just really niceMrs Pointer is just really niceMrs Pointer is just really niceMrs Pointer is just really niceMrs Pointer is just really niceMrs Pointer is just really nice
Default Re: Missing family

Having not made the move yet, this thread is very close to my heart. The OH will go and not look back because he's from a mostly female family and really doesn't get the ties that I have to my family and friends.

We've made a deal that if after 2 years I can't settle then we go back because it may be that seeing them is more crucial to my happiness than I think.

My family live in each other's pockets - except me so I'm used to loving them from a distance. So I think I'll be able to keep in touch with theri lives and vice versa. My friends all use email, Facebook, skpye so I have no concerns over that - as long as I can make pals in NZ.

And my family and friends are very supportive of the move (even a bit jealous) and are fully behind me, and that helps.

so you either have to get them (and yourself) on board with where you are or go back I think. Is it a blip (I fully expect to have times when I am missing them terribly) but if the blip becomes every day, can you really be happy?
Mrs Pointer is offline  
Old Oct 18th 2010, 6:56 pm
  #20  
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
 
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 48
SuffolkbritinNZ will become famous soon enough
Default Re: Missing family

Originally Posted by Mrs Pointer
We've made a deal that if after 2 years I can't settle then we go back because it may be that seeing them is more crucial to my happiness than I think.

And my family and friends are very supportive of the move (even a bit jealous) and are fully behind me, and that helps.

so you either have to get them (and yourself) on board with where you are or go back I think. Is it a blip (I fully expect to have times when I am missing them terribly) but if the blip becomes every day, can you really be happy?
I think when you go out to NZ from UK with a Bristish partner, it's a lot easier, because you both have that tie to England. You both have history there, loved ones and reasons for wanting to spend your hard earned money on a flight back home very few years. So you're lucky - I think you'll find the transition a little smoother and a little more supportive.

Unfortunately for those like me, who move on their own, as my parter is a kiwi, he of course doesn't have the same connection to UK as me nor the same desperate desires to fly back every few years so it can feel harder.

You are very lucky about how supportive your family are being - thats great to hear!

Whether or not this is a blip, sadly no, it's not. I've been having these thoughts for about the past 12 months!!!! I genuinely want to try and make it work back there but just can't seem to shift these thoughst about home / family. I feel if I give in and stay in UK, I'll be unhappy as I'll miss my kiwi fella and miss our life and future together in NZ but if I go back, I fear I'll forever feel homesick and never be able to settle. I cannot imagine, like some of you have said, only being bale to come home every 5, 6, 7, 8 years...! That makes me so so sad. I'm never going to be able to do that. But thats a reality I guess I have to face, especially with kids etc.

hazeandsteve - really sorry to hear about your mum. You sound very brave and great that she got to visit not long ago.
SuffolkbritinNZ is offline  
Old Oct 23rd 2010, 10:46 pm
  #21  
Forum Regular
 
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 44
elizabeth_j_gill is a jewel in the roughelizabeth_j_gill is a jewel in the roughelizabeth_j_gill is a jewel in the roughelizabeth_j_gill is a jewel in the rough
Default Re: Missing family

Similarly, with you - did you manage to get any headway with what to do? Are you in the Uk at the moment, or back in New Zealand? Where were you living out there? Where I was (S.I.) it was pretty remote, and I found the lack of stuff to do a little claustrophobic at times. That said, we had some great times.
Having read your post, it sort of feels like that could be me in two or three years time (in terms of situation, not age - I'm 32). I guess I'm scared of having to make the decision permanently, too.
I guess, ultimately, nothing is un-do-able. I think it's hard for both you and I, though, because from what you say on these threads, your NZ man is as unwilling to commit to a life in the UK as mine. This squarely places the responsibility of where you relationship goes (or doesn't go) on your shoulders, which I think is quite a burden.
Someone said to me recently, "you should only move, if he would do the same for you". I am not totally sure that this is true, but the sentiment does resonate a little; I think it's kind of important to look at why he's so set on staying in NZ - is it family, lifestyle, job? And then weigh up if those considerations compare in any way to your quite heavy family considerations. If they don't, then that would kind of lead me to question the relationship - if lifestyle, job and family are more important to him than you being his girl, then is this something you can commit to wholeheartedly? Has he tried living in the Uk with you, at all? I know you said he's been here before, but perhaps with a British partner, the experience would be very different?
I am not sure at all if these are things that run constantly through your mind. To me, your experience seems similar to mine, albeit more advanced.
I have made no further decisions. I miss him terribly and when I have a bad day at work (quite frequently!) I do think of packing up and getting on a plane. That said, there are many many things that I love about the Uk despite the bad press it gets, and one of those things, like you, is the ability to see my family (and know, that if things get difficult for them in the future health-or-otherwise, I can be here to look out for them). A lot of people have said to me that you can't make decisions based upon what your family want, but no man (or lady) is an island - everything we do impacts upon other people, and it's hard when that impact is clearly driving a rift between you and people you care about.
One of the earlier posters said 'You can find another man'. I guess that's the bit that keeps me thinking about emigrating, or at least giving it a go. I am not so sure that I'd find someone like him again. I suppose that you feel the same otherwise you wouldn't be feeling as you do.
I really hope that you work it out. It's hard for me - must be harder still for you. Let me know how it goes
elizabeth_j_gill is offline  
Old Oct 25th 2010, 6:42 am
  #22  
BE Enthusiast
 
londonescapee's Avatar
 
Joined: May 2010
Location: Mission Bay, Auckland yay!
Posts: 493
londonescapee is a glorious beacon of lightlondonescapee is a glorious beacon of lightlondonescapee is a glorious beacon of lightlondonescapee is a glorious beacon of lightlondonescapee is a glorious beacon of lightlondonescapee is a glorious beacon of lightlondonescapee is a glorious beacon of lightlondonescapee is a glorious beacon of lightlondonescapee is a glorious beacon of lightlondonescapee is a glorious beacon of lightlondonescapee is a glorious beacon of light
Default Re: Missing family

Originally Posted by SuffolkbritinNZ
Hello
I'm sure there's a fair few of us out there...but I'm another English girl who travelled to NZ, met a kiwi fella, fell in love (with him and the country) and moved out to NZ almost 3 years ago. I'm very happy with it all & we enjoy a great life out here together, but I struggle so much with missing my family at home. I am so so close to my parents and my brother and I find it really hard to be without them in my every day life.
I head home about once a year to see them but I just hate missing the small things...and having to 'schedule' in times to skype because of the time difference and not being able to just pick up the phone whenever I want for a chat gets me down. Not being able to head over mums for a cuppa, not being able to go shopping together etc.....
I'm just wondering if there's anyone in a similar situation who can offer me some advice? I love my kiwi fella and want to make a go of life properly in NZ but I feel I always have one foot back in England and it kind of gets in the way of letting me move forward in NZ. How do I let go of my family? They are SOOO important to me. My family are supportive and know I'm happy in NZ but they all want me home really and find it very hard me being away.
One of the things that really gets me is thinking about the time when I have my own family (I'm 28) - and my parents not really getting to know their grandchildren. It makes me so so sad (and it makes them sad too). BUT, I love my partner and I love NZ and while life in UK would be a lot easier (family nearby etc) it would mean losing my partner and the lifestyle I love so much in NZ.
Please help anyone!!!!
Hello, I do feel for you family or a fella? It's tough.

I feel very fortunate because my parents would never dream of putting any guilt onto me or make my brother and I in any way feel bad about the choice we made to move here. This is unlike some which is rather close to home for me at the moment Parents have to learn to let go of their children and not rely on them for their own happiness and I've always thought it was quite selfish behaviour on the parents' part - I'm not a parent but this is what my mum's always said to me, and what other mums at work talk about as well and it is very difficult for mothers in particular to do, I understand. It's so important for children to be independent from their parents.
Totally not saying yours are like what I've described above by the way, just a general observation

In an ideal world, at the end of the day your partner/husband should come before your family (just my opinion of course) - techincally they will be the people you build your lives with forever and we as children also cannot rely on our folks being around for ever and we've got to get on with our own thing. The mere thought makes me want to howl (I regularly push it to the back of my mind but it always lurks there) but that's part of life sadly.

Both my parents (mum stepdad and dad) understand why we did what we did and we received, and still continue to do so, a lot of support from both sets of parents. In my case it was easier because my husband is from New Zealand and he always made it perfectly clear that he was coming home at some point, and I always wanted to live overseas so it was never an issue. I really feel for those who can't afford to make it home to see family, but on the other hand I know other families I've met here who head back every year, or every other year and their family head here on alternate years. So it can be done. Can they not come to you for a bit?

Your decision should be about what is best for you, not what is best for your family. Can you not do a trial run, head back to the UK and see how you go without your man? Or, as you've been 3 years properly living away from the UK is there a risk of rose tinted specs (I mean that nicely ) and actually going back would decide for you 1 way or the other and take him with you for longer than a holiday? Sending you lots of positive karma it will all work out in the end, things have a funny way of doing so!

Last edited by londonescapee; Oct 25th 2010 at 6:44 am.
londonescapee is offline  
Old Oct 25th 2010, 9:07 am
  #23  
BE Forum Addict
 
Margaret Parkinson's Avatar
 
Joined: Jan 2008
Location: Tyldesley Manchester UK
Posts: 1,095
Margaret Parkinson has a reputation beyond reputeMargaret Parkinson has a reputation beyond reputeMargaret Parkinson has a reputation beyond reputeMargaret Parkinson has a reputation beyond reputeMargaret Parkinson has a reputation beyond reputeMargaret Parkinson has a reputation beyond reputeMargaret Parkinson has a reputation beyond reputeMargaret Parkinson has a reputation beyond reputeMargaret Parkinson has a reputation beyond reputeMargaret Parkinson has a reputation beyond reputeMargaret Parkinson has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Missing family

Originally Posted by londonescapee
Hello, I do feel for you family or a fella? It's tough.

I feel very fortunate because my parents would never dream of putting any guilt onto me or make my brother and I in any way feel bad about the choice we made to move here. This is unlike some which is rather close to home for me at the moment Parents have to learn to let go of their children and not rely on them for their own happiness and I've always thought it was quite selfish behaviour on the parents' part - I'm not a parent but this is what my mum's always said to me, and what other mums at work talk about as well and it is very difficult for mothers in particular to do, I understand. It's so important for children to be independent from their parents.
Totally not saying yours are like what I've described above by the way, just a general observation

In an ideal world, at the end of the day your partner/husband should come before your family (just my opinion of course) - techincally they will be the people you build your lives with forever and we as children also cannot rely on our folks being around for ever and we've got to get on with our own thing. The mere thought makes me want to howl (I regularly push it to the back of my mind but it always lurks there) but that's part of life sadly.

Both my parents (mum stepdad and dad) understand why we did what we did and we received, and still continue to do so, a lot of support from both sets of parents. In my case it was easier because my husband is from New Zealand and he always made it perfectly clear that he was coming home at some point, and I always wanted to live overseas so it was never an issue. I really feel for those who can't afford to make it home to see family, but on the other hand I know other families I've met here who head back every year, or every other year and their family head here on alternate years. So it can be done. Can they not come to you for a bit?

Your decision should be about what is best for you, not what is best for your family. Can you not do a trial run, head back to the UK and see how you go without your man? Or, as you've been 3 years properly living away from the UK is there a risk of rose tinted specs (I mean that nicely ) and actually going back would decide for you 1 way or the other and take him with you for longer than a holiday? Sending you lots of positive karma it will all work out in the end, things have a funny way of doing so!
I agree with your Mum's point of view. Obviously we did not want our family to emigrate in the first place but I would not want the to return to the UK now because that would mean something had gone wrong which is not want you want for your children. We will visit every year until the time comes when funds or health won't let us. They do appear to be doing very well so when that time comes I hope they will come to see us.

You world is getting smaller the the air fares are not.

June
Margaret Parkinson is offline  
Old Oct 25th 2010, 11:29 am
  #24  
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
 
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 48
SuffolkbritinNZ will become famous soon enough
Default Re: Missing family

londonescapee - I am actually in Uk now, have been for a few months. I do find it very hard without my kiwi - but I also love the security of being home and not missing my family / friends / England in general. It's great knowing I never have to worry about when my next trip home will be.

You are very lucky you have so much support from your parents. Margaret Parkinson - you also sound fabulous, saying you will visit your family in NZ every year. However I am guessing you are very fortunate to be able to afford to do that! I'm sure if my parents could afford to visit each year, they would - but it's simply not an option

Also as my mum says, and I have to agree with her, just because I choose to live my life in NZ, it's not fair of me to expect my family in UK to spend every single overseas holiday they have each year coming to see me. There's plenty of other places they want to go as well as NZ and thats the sacrifice I guess I have to accept if I choose to stay in NZ.

My family are very supportive, I don't mean to have made it sound like they aren't. They just find it very sad to have me living on the other side of the world! I can understand - if my mum told me she was moving to ozzie if I was in UK, I'd be sad too. But they know, if it's the best thing for me then they fully support it and wish me every happiness. I think what they find hard though, is accepting that I would be happier over in NZ - and thats where my guilt comes in! To say you would be happier living 12,000 miles from all my family, when they all live within about 20 miles of each other, I feel bad about that.
I know I shouldn't - it's my life and all but as a few other people have hinted on this website - UK isn't all that bad and as much as I love NZ and find so many wonderful things about being over there compared to being in UK - I'm not sure where I sit on saying it's worth leaving everyone behind for good. I guess the porblem is that if you emigrate, it has to be because theres something you want to leave behind in your country and the problem I have, is that there isn't really anything I want to leave behind! I just happen to have fell in love in NZ and want a life with my kiwi fella too!!!!! I know I can't have everything though....I'll get there eventually with my choice (I hope!!)
SuffolkbritinNZ is offline  
Old Oct 25th 2010, 11:33 am
  #25  
Forum Regular
 
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 44
elizabeth_j_gill is a jewel in the roughelizabeth_j_gill is a jewel in the roughelizabeth_j_gill is a jewel in the roughelizabeth_j_gill is a jewel in the rough
Default Re: Missing family

Let us know what you decide!
elizabeth_j_gill is offline  
Old Oct 25th 2010, 1:37 pm
  #26  
BE Enthusiast
 
dannigirl's Avatar
 
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 696
dannigirl has a reputation beyond reputedannigirl has a reputation beyond reputedannigirl has a reputation beyond reputedannigirl has a reputation beyond reputedannigirl has a reputation beyond reputedannigirl has a reputation beyond reputedannigirl has a reputation beyond reputedannigirl has a reputation beyond reputedannigirl has a reputation beyond reputedannigirl has a reputation beyond reputedannigirl has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Missing family

Originally Posted by SuffolkbritinNZ
londonescapee - I am actually in Uk now, have been for a few months. I do find it very hard without my kiwi - but I also love the security of being home and not missing my family / friends / England in general. It's great knowing I never have to worry about when my next trip home will be.

You are very lucky you have so much support from your parents. Margaret Parkinson - you also sound fabulous, saying you will visit your family in NZ every year. However I am guessing you are very fortunate to be able to afford to do that! I'm sure if my parents could afford to visit each year, they would - but it's simply not an option

Also as my mum says, and I have to agree with her, just because I choose to live my life in NZ, it's not fair of me to expect my family in UK to spend every single overseas holiday they have each year coming to see me. There's plenty of other places they want to go as well as NZ and thats the sacrifice I guess I have to accept if I choose to stay in NZ.

My family are very supportive, I don't mean to have made it sound like they aren't. They just find it very sad to have me living on the other side of the world! I can understand - if my mum told me she was moving to ozzie if I was in UK, I'd be sad too. But they know, if it's the best thing for me then they fully support it and wish me every happiness. I think what they find hard though, is accepting that I would be happier over in NZ - and thats where my guilt comes in! To say you would be happier living 12,000 miles from all my family, when they all live within about 20 miles of each other, I feel bad about that.
I know I shouldn't - it's my life and all but as a few other people have hinted on this website - UK isn't all that bad and as much as I love NZ and find so many wonderful things about being over there compared to being in UK - I'm not sure where I sit on saying it's worth leaving everyone behind for good. I guess the porblem is that if you emigrate, it has to be because theres something you want to leave behind in your country and the problem I have, is that there isn't really anything I want to leave behind! I just happen to have fell in love in NZ and want a life with my kiwi fella too!!!!! I know I can't have everything though....I'll get there eventually with my choice (I hope!!)
I am not sure if there is enough of a pull to NZ for you. Of course you have your man, not to minimize your relationship or anything but what I pick up from your posts is that you the UK has more of a "hold" over you than your relationship. I think most people would agree that you shouldn't emigrate if there is a problem in your own country, they just tend to follow you! Better to look on it as a great adventure and not in a "forever" or win/lose, success/fail way.

It really sounds like you don't want to return to NZ and if you do under pressure it will no doubt turn to resentment.....and that will not be a positive thing for your relationship! You have to be able make peace with whatever decision you make, nothing has to be forever. But I do think if you are struggling now then it will only be worse if children come along, if and when finances make it more difficult to travel back to the UK on a regular basis.

I don't envy you!!!
dannigirl is offline  
Old Oct 25th 2010, 1:55 pm
  #27  
BE Forum Addict
 
Margaret Parkinson's Avatar
 
Joined: Jan 2008
Location: Tyldesley Manchester UK
Posts: 1,095
Margaret Parkinson has a reputation beyond reputeMargaret Parkinson has a reputation beyond reputeMargaret Parkinson has a reputation beyond reputeMargaret Parkinson has a reputation beyond reputeMargaret Parkinson has a reputation beyond reputeMargaret Parkinson has a reputation beyond reputeMargaret Parkinson has a reputation beyond reputeMargaret Parkinson has a reputation beyond reputeMargaret Parkinson has a reputation beyond reputeMargaret Parkinson has a reputation beyond reputeMargaret Parkinson has a reputation beyond repute
Smile Re: Missing family

Originally Posted by SuffolkbritinNZ
l

Margaret Parkinson - you also sound fabulous, saying you will visit your family in NZ every year. However I am guessing you are very fortunate to be able to afford to do that! I'm sure if my parents could afford to visit each year, they would - but it's simply not an option


I did say until our funds run out we are now skiing (spending the kids inheritance). My husband and I or both in our seventies and it does get harder each time we visit that's why we go for 6 weeks then we have our pensions to look forward to when we get back. Oh almost forgot the heating allowance as well. lol

June
Margaret Parkinson is offline  

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Contact Us - Archive - Advertising - Cookie Policy - Privacy Statement - Terms of Service -

Copyright © 2024 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved. Use of this site indicates your consent to the Terms of Use.