Make New Friends

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Old Dec 6th 2017, 3:22 am
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Hi
I am sitting here at my desk scratching my head and to be honest a few tears are streaming on what I am doing wrong. For 9 years I have tried to break into the Kiwi friend circles and have failed miserably. So after lots of hosting barbecues , lunches , invites of drinks , open invites to my house anytime , babysitting , managing football teams , managing hockey teams I am a bit frustrated , nothing worked i am always chasing like a over eager teenager. I have had some health scares in NZ and a crap operation and I did not have anyone to turn to which was very lonely.I was starting to think i was a pretty crap person to be around when I yet again got the sorry forgot to come round when they said something to me - I don't have time for my current friends so don't count on me. Some of you may think this was harsh and to be honest a good few tears was shed , a bottle of wine and reflecting on Brigitte Jones diary and the scene about her being eaten by dogs.... before i thought i need to change my approach so here it is................................................ ...........................................I am in New Plymouth and would welcome meeting up anyone who is new to NZ and New Plymouth for a coffee. I have three teenage children and work full-time , married to a great grumpy old man but would not change him for the world.

So I am starting this thread to see if other people who are struggling to make friends can also make contact to meet up...... If this doesn't work then it is back to the wine and movies
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Old Dec 6th 2017, 4:40 pm
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Default Re: Make New Friends

9 years. Wow.
I know kiwis are a tough crowd to make friendships with, but that's quite a shift you've put in there. Sounds to me like you are doing all the right things as well, so no advice from me there. Do you have any ex-pat friends? How's work?
One thing I've seen over my time here is people can be very judgmental of the smallest things and exclude you just for that... and another thing is if people like one person but not their partner.
Sorry can't help much further. Keep posting.
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Old Dec 6th 2017, 7:19 pm
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Hi julieandgraham - sent you a PM
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Old Dec 7th 2017, 7:50 am
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Hi Julie,
I’m also in New Plymouth. Sorry to hear you’ve had a hard time making friends. I’ve also found it difficult - I know loads of people, have lots of acquaintances, work colleagues, husbands friends, a couple of ‘social’ friends who I might see once every 2-3 months if I get invited to a group event, but no one that I’ve grown close to or that I see on my own or on a regular basis. I’ve also had a hard time recently health wise, and had a bit of a melt down a couple of weeks ago, and really wanted to move back to the UK, to be close to my friends and family. I’m feeling a lot better now, and would love to meet you for a coffee/wine. I think I might be in a different stage of life to you (I’m in my early thirties and have a toddler!) but I’m always keen to meet new people and have a chat with a fellow Brit
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Old Dec 7th 2017, 9:18 am
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Originally Posted by bearskin View Post
One thing I've seen over my time here is people can be very judgmental of the smallest things and exclude you just for that... and another thing is if people like one person but not their partner.
I think that's why a lot of us struggle because socialising here is invariably at someone's house at that brings with it a different dimension in that you have to make friends with their other halves and their whole family; so it's therefore not particularly easy to click into a whole family situation and expect your partner or theirs to get on also.

I know absolutely tonnes of people (guys and gals) who I have coffees and lunch with occasionally but that's as far as it goes, because the thought of having to introduce the other halves and go to all the effort of cooking and inviting people round always seems a step too much.

I find work relationships here are such a bore, people don't want to socialise after work or do anything that costs money and they're certainly not the types my OH would like - they only come alive if there's free booze and food on offer.

After twelve years we only have a small handful of expat friends and I no longer even care to try and expand upon that group.
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Old Dec 8th 2017, 8:46 am
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Hey we're here xx 😦 always up for a good bottle of wine xx
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Old Dec 18th 2017, 7:59 pm
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Speaking to my kiwi work colleagues about this issue - their take on is that expats at one point or another, will usually decide to move back home, and so they don't want to invest too much in friendships they might see as temporary.

Both of these people have British partners, and we all live in and around Queenstown, where there seems to be a goodbye party every other week!

I did a stint over on Stewart Island which was interesting...kiwi or expat, you're all in it together and the most unlikely friendships form just through the desperate need to socialise! Although OP, SI is definitely a last resort, I'd keep trying my luck in New Plymouth if I were you ;-)
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Old Dec 19th 2017, 6:39 am
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Default Re: Make New Friends

Originally Posted by mazmataz View Post
Speaking to my kiwi work colleagues about this issue - their take on is that expats at one point or another, will usually decide to move back home, and so they don't want to invest too much in friendships they might see as temporary.
Gosh, thats a weak excuse
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Old Dec 19th 2017, 7:07 am
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Originally Posted by mazmataz View Post
Speaking to my kiwi work colleagues about this issue - their take on is that expats at one point or another, will usually decide to move back home, and so they don't want to invest too much in friendships they might see as temporary.
The OP has been here NINE YEARS.

I have noticed recently that when the locals ask me how long I have been here and I mention that it is nine years they respond slightly differently to how others used to when I hadn't been here so long so maybe there is something to their caution that can be got past after some time.

Having said that, after all these years the best friend that I have made since I moved here is another immigrant.
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Old Dec 20th 2017, 7:00 am
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Do you have a dog? That’s how I kicked it off... found out who had a dog, started going for walks and branched from there. Also work was a massive help too. However, again that’s my experience but found it massively helped me.
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Old Dec 23rd 2017, 7:42 pm
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We have been in NZ now for 4 months, and finding the issues the same, have joined groups, put ourselves out there, but still really struggling with the loneliness....
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Old Dec 23rd 2017, 7:49 pm
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Think about your life back home
Did you become close friends with everyone you met
How many new, genuine friends did you meet/make in your last year in the UK ??

Don't be unrealistic in your expectations, it takes time
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