Justcol

So much misery and helplessness
its like reading accounts from the chibok schoolgirls

My 30 year relationship with my wife ended partly due to this sort of thing. I stayed and am very happy. She went home and is, by all accounts, very happy. We loved each other but reached an impasse. Resentment sets in, shit happens and that's the end of that. You have to ask, am I willing to stay here for ever? If not and partners aren't prepared to move, then it's already over. All you have to do is pluck up the courage to admit it and start making arrangements for the happier life you want, need, deserve.

hallie_day

Not quite kidnapped but doesn't feel far from that at the moment. Trapped maybe?
Do you have children and what did they do when your ex went back?

My problem is 7 and 10 year olds who my husband will not let me take so my choices are:
1. Put up and shut up
2. Separate and stay here
3. Go back to London with out the kids

I guess this is why I sound so bleak in my post.



Did you have children and if so how old were they and

hallie_day

Carz69 - are you both British?

I think that you are now well entitled to call time on Slovenia - having kids without a support network is no fun. The friends I miss the most are the friends I met through the kids - the ones we saw daily on school runs, went camping with, had kitchen parties and raucous karaoke nights in with..... Without them life just wouldn't have been so fun. And I bloody miss that fun.

If you could both get jobs in the UK it would be a no brainer for me. I'm jealous!

Ps. The travelling with two kids...I hear you. I'm doing NZ to London in July without husband and dreading it.

Mishclark

I'm in Christchurch , I do love it though!

I first moved here about 11 years ago but personal circumstances took us back to Sydney. (I'm Australian ). I'm on my own though and have been for around 8 years so it was easier to sort myself out.

​​​​​​I chose to move back to Nz as I needed a fresh start and am lucky enough to have friends here. I still get a bit lonely as everyone is partnered off but I'm also good at doing things on my own, and there's plenty to discover in Canterbury.

My girls are 21 and 18, 21 is staying in Oz, 18 year old possibly joining me next year. It's up to her. There are advantages to this - I'm short and she's 6ft, I need someone to get stuff off the shelves I can't reach! 😊

Pom_Chch

It's not as simple as that when you have young kids though Justcol. If it was as easy as leaving your partner and heading off to wherever will make you happy, then people would have done it. But what about the husbands/wives who won't let the other half take the kids out of the country? Sure if you're childfree then it's simple but with kids it's a completely different ball game. As Hallie said it's either put up and shut up (not ideal), separate but stay in NZ (not ideal if you don't like the country) or go back without kids (not ideal). People have my full sympathy in this situation because no matter what you choose it will result in a thoroughly shit time. Just my two cents!

Mishclark

Justcol

I was lucky in that mine were older, 18 and 21.
they now both live overseas, not near their mum, and it's still hard not being closer

I hope you find a solution that brings you peace and happiness.

Good luck 👍
​​

BEVS

It is prying in a way and I don't really mean that but am more curious.
Did your ex-wife want to leave NZ and you did not ?
I do realise relationships and love are more complicated than that but we rarely hear candidly from the side of a relationship/marriage that is so settled they would struggle with a return from whence they came.
That is not to damn one way or another. It is that we know how a partner can feel stuck, held to ransom, trapped , lonely , unsetlled and all those adjectives but we don't hear from the partner torn by this as they landed and just felt it home & right.

Clappy

Feel free.. I am not going to argue with ANY of it.

MrsFychan

hallie_day - the comments about everything annoying you, I really get.

I have told my husband that if I feel that the bad days out weigh the good days I will leave with or without him. Saying that though it would only be once the youngest,14 atm, has left college and is set a career or travel daughter left at 17 and went back to UK, she is coming back this July but has her own plans which by all accounts, at the moment anyway, doesn't seem to involve staying in NZ for long.
I have this idea that maybe in 10 years time we will go house sitting around the islands and then maybe beyond.

Your travel back to UK should go well, 7 & 10 means at least they can handle quite a bit of the process themselves but also means you won't have time to fret about things as you will be looking out for them.

Bo-Jangles

I totally get it, I remember when absolutely everything used to annoy the hell out of me, especially on the radio; so I just stopped listening. Honestly, it made the world of difference to remove all the whinging right wing 'news talk' bollocks, crappy low budget adverts for erectile dysfunction clinics, mangled words like 'dayboo' and puerile attempts at humour. I am now pretty immune to it, even the Briscoes lady fails to annoy me anymore and that's really saying something. Her voice used to be worse than fingernails on a blackboard to me.

For a long time I was convinced that I was going to end up killed in a car accident due to the crazy driving but it did eventually just become second nature and I am no longer shocked an appalled that people don't thank you for letting them in etc. I think somehow you have to just grit your teeth for a while and try to rise above it, or remove as much as possible of the things that annoy you from your life (maybe husband excepted) and go out expecting the worst and be thankful on the occasions when it goes better than expected.

I hope you can find some middle ground with you husband and you start to find some silver lining in those clouds - it can be all consuming when you're in such a bad space and hating everything; but infinitely worse I am sure when your other half is a Kiwi. Fair enough for him to slot back in with his family but he should not be in leaving you high and dry to cope with this all on your own.

scot47

Carz69

Learn Slovenian. Mix with locals.

Justcol

I don't mind talking about it Bevs, it's life, we all get one go at it. Share your story and it might resonate with someone somewhere and they might take something from it.

Long story short.
I think my ex had doubts before we left and fell into the maybe a move somewhere new will fix it mindset...it never does

Some things didn't come out till it was in it's death throws
she wanted to come to NZ, I didn't. After much pressure I agreed and persuaded our boys it was a good idea.
After arrival she found it hard to settle, knew more than everyone at work, they were all doing it wrong, it's all so backward here...etc etc
I slotted straight in, enjoyed the new friendships, opportunities, slower pace, scenery
Our eldest son went back for University, she started to have pangs, didn't tell me.
She went home to see eldest boy, came back unsettled but said nowt. Turned out she nailed an old boyfriend while she was there.🙄
Feeling unsettled became resentment, the cure for resentment was a 26 yr old mechanic at work.
That was when I walked. She blamed me for being happy and not wanting to go home, like she had never even raised it for discussion. At that point, her being on the opposite side of the world seemed quite appealing. I thought about it for a good while. However following a trip home and a chat with me mam, I realised it wasn't for me anymore. New Zealand was home and I've embraced every aspect of it with a passion since then.

I mentioned it as feelings kept to yourself can easily run riot if you don't raise them with the other half. I don't think it would have made a difference in my case but for others it might.

Anywho, my crap is dealt with, back to the topic

Moses2013

That's the thing and no matter where you are something will always annoy you. People might say that money isn't everything but If you move to a country and are financially better off than before, it's a lot easier to accept things. If you already had a great life back home and aren't really into the local stuff, you will probably question everything else. The only way forward is to accept that it is what it is.

hallie_day

In a Countdown Instore ad today, a grown man said 'biccies' and chippies'.
And a recruitment ad that stated there was a 'possy' going. Position?!?
I'm a project manager / producer in advertising and I'm aghast and how this nonsense gets through.

And as for death by crap driving - I spent my first few weeks in a state of high anxiety about dying in car crashes (not helped by seeing a girl on the road having CPR after her car had was t-boned by a truck) and still feel nervous driving other people's kids. I had to find a route to school with no right turns unless they had traffic lights because I'd wait for hours.

The husband came over tonight to swim with the kids and we had a chat, a calmer one than previous conversations (which I bet the neighbours are pleased about) and there is still a stalemate but he admitted he understands where I am coming from which is a start - to date he has just been defensive.
One of our big hang ups is work as he seems to think it will be straightforward for me to get a job. I had always intended to have a year off but I have started to do some research and spoken to a lot of mums and I'm not very hopeful. I hadn't heard the 'live on the shore, work on the shore' thing, but I can see why. With kids who do sports every night in scattered locations, and a husband who travels, I need to be local and to work part-time. So basically it looks like a teaching assistant on minimum wage is my best option as logistically it will be nigh on impossible to continue in the role I have 25 years experience in. I'm also a Brit, closer to 50 than 40, in an industry where 25 year olds are competing for my job.
We have a roof over our heads and food on the table, but I liked my independence and $20ph school hours doesn't get you that.