British Expats - Lonely and want to move back

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- - Lonely and want to move back (https://britishexpats.com/forum/new-zealand-83/lonely-want-move-back-905941/)

Re: Lonely and want to move back

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Originally Posted by MrsFychan (Post 12384596)

Shard, she's been here over 4 years, something needs to change positively for her to save her sanity.

At this emotional time she needs support from her partner and not just closed sentences.

She hasn't said whether her partner is being supportive or not. She did say he felt that he and their son should be her focus (her support network) and that suggests something. It's certainly not an easy situation, but if one side is dead against a big move, the other forcing that move can lead to serious relationship problems. Presumably they discussed NZ at length prior to moving there.

Re: Lonely and want to move back

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Originally Posted by Shard (Post 12384666)

Ignoring that your wife is deeply unhappy will definitely lead to serious relationship problems.

What I don't understand is why he's so against moving to Scotland. He hasn't even tried living there. He is just finding excuses why he can't move there. If you marry someone from another country there is always the possibility that the other one wants to move back. To kill this option with superficial arguments and prejudice is really not the right way to solve this problem. No wonder she is online with her friends often.

Re: Lonely and want to move back

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Originally Posted by Assanah (Post 12384723)

Well you don't know if he's "ignoring" or disagreeing. If she hasn't managed to get him to spend more than 4 weeks in Scotland to date, it's fairly clear he's not into it. I haven't suggested Scotland is out of the question, I've suggested it's a very difficult move if one party is totally against it, and given that, the OP might consider giving NZ a bit more time. I also agree with what Spouse Scouse said on the emotional time around miscarriage. TBH I think posters that are egging the OP on to just upsticks or knock her husband back are doing her a disservice. It's a complex family situation which most of us know little about.

Re: Lonely and want to move back

I have been in your situation and I can tell you that I regret moving from NZ on a daily basis.As much as I shake my head every time I read a response from Justcol;)...this time I agree with him .The family and friends that were there for me through social media and phone calls while in NZ were there for me through social media and phone calls once back in the UK (some of them disappeared completely from my life altogether).I probably talked more with some of them while I was in NZ.Everyone is busy with their own life,work,kids that it is easier to send a Facebook message than organising a meet up with someone.I would recommend you find a hobby where you can meet people with the same interests and hopefully develop friendships.I meet quite a few Mums taking my child to playgrounds and playgroups and while I would not consider many of them close friends ,it is good to have a chat and a coffee with an adult while the kids play.You are feeling low at the moment but this will not last forever,don't take major decisions that you could regret down the line.If you can ,take a holiday as a change of scene is good for the soul.

Re: Lonely and want to move back

Hi Gill84,

Sending you a very big hug. I think we might be just down the road from you;) If you'd like to talk please PM me. We came out to NZ last year and settled in my husband's home town of Wanganui. That was a huge shock to the system but I'm slowly making new friends of my own. I totally get where you're coming from though.

As others have advised please seek help from your GP.
And remember - It's good to talk;)

Best wishes to you & and your family

Re: Lonely and want to move back

Hello, I remember chatting to you about Whanganui. Glad you made it over. Whereabouts in Wangas do you live ?

Have you found your favourite garden centre yet ?

I would have seen that as a long way away before I lived in Whanganui and two out of the three nearest large towns are triple figure kms away. That made me feel isolated, a feeling that never really went away.

Hope the OP finds peace.

(Pukekura Park on Boxing Day for a picnic was lovely, followed by an afternoon lazing on Fitzroy beach.)

Re: Lonely and want to move back

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Originally Posted by Snap Shot (Post 12386796)

Hello, I remember chatting to you about Whanganui. Glad you made it over.

So am I - we just about missed each other, didn't we. You were moving back to the UK soon after we arrived.

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Whereabouts in Wangas do you live ?

We're on the Springvale/Tawhero border.

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Have you found your favourite garden centre yet ?

Both Springvale & Wanganui garden centres are within walking distance:) but then I find the whole of Wanganui one big garden centre. Everything grows with such wild abundance here and the air is full of intoxicating smells. I tried growing jasmine in our garden in England and it just struggled - here we've got a huge beast wrapped around our front porch and I sit on the steps at night & just inhale the scent & marvel at the beauty of nature.

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I would have seen that as a long way away before I lived in Whanganui and two out of the three nearest large towns are triple figure kms away. That made me feel isolated, a feeling that never really went away.

Yeah, I totally get that. Drove me mad too in the beginning, but you just have to change your mindset and accept that what worked in England does not necessarily work here (or in other parts of the world). We drove down to Welly & back on Saturday (leaving just after 11a.m. after I finished work). Would I do that in England? Not unless I was forced too;) But it's doable.

The most frustrating thing here of course is the lack of choice & availability of stuff. Like I'm looking for shoes for our son atm and because he has VERY wide feet it's totally diabolical. But at the end of the day material things never made me happy back in England. Here we have a spacious house with a large enough garden for me to grow stuff. We're looking for a larger sized one so I can grow fruit trees & berries but we're in no rush. I've found my paradise and I'm happy.

How about you Snap Shot? I think you moved around England a bit before settling in your present location. I'm glad you're back working as it's so depressing having to stay at home and there's only so much volunteering work you can do;)

I see that SparkleyDiva has had a change of heart with regard to NZ. I know that I would certainly find it hard to go back to my home country, but even the UK now seems a distant memory. We only ever lived in the south-east so I definitely don't miss the overcrowding & the traffic jams of Brighton. Sure, I have my meltdown moments and wish I could be magically transported to a Waitrose or an M&S. And of course I'll never get that sense of belonging here in NZ. But I've come to peace with that and am just enjoying living for the moment and see what the future brings.

I found a quote recently that perfectly sums this up:
'happiness is not about getting everything you want, but being able to enjoy what you have, even when circumstances force you to accept things you would prefer not to....'

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Hope the OP finds peace.

So do I. My offer of PM chat/meeting is still open. We've been planning to visit New Plymouth for ages so maybe we could hold our Wanganui/Taranaki get together?

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(Pukekura Park on Boxing Day for a picnic was lovely, followed by an afternoon lazing on Fitzroy beach.)

Thank you & all the best.

Lonely and want to move back

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Originally Posted by KOH2 (Post 12386842)

So am I - we just about missed each other, didn't we. You were moving back to the UK soon after we arrived. Quote]

I would have found time to meet up for coffee or you could have come around to the house. We left on Saturday 5th November 2016. When did you arrive in Wangas ?

(I will always remember our last night in Whanganui. We had been to Orange/Ceramic café for dinner, then walked over City Bridge to the Red Lion pub for last orders, then walked back to the Motel near Cobham Bridge under star lit skies and a crescent moon on a warm spring evening. I even saw a couple of fireworks in the sky. One of the most romantic evenings we've ever had in Whanganui. The following morning we awoke to a bog standard rainy Spring Saturday morning ! Back to Orange/Ceramic for breakfast then away to Palmerston North we went. Sold our car to an auction house and they kindly gave us a lift to Palmy airport to catch our Auckland bound flight for final goodbyes to rellies before catching the London bound flight home.)

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We're on the Springvale/Tawhero border.

Good. Lived in Springvale on our arrival back in 2011. I know exactly which garden centre you mean. Good isn't it ?

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We drove down to Welly & back on Saturday. Would I do that in England? Not unless I was forced too;) But it's doable.

Yep, that's right. Used to go to Wellington fairly frequently - the closest I could get to a sanity break ! I toyed with the idea of moving to Wellington but it would have put off going back to Britain which is what I really wanted.

Although now we're back home my idea of distances has stretched. I don't think it big deal these days to drive further afield to see a play or a singer etc. Than we would have done if we still lived in Woking.

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Like I'm looking for shoes for our son atm and because he has VERY wide feet it's totally diabolical.

Shoe Connection are in Palmerston North and on the internet. That's where my husband got his shoes from ultimately.

He doesn't need a wide fitting but Kelly's shoe shop on Victoria Avenue ended up refunding him for the shoes he bought from them because they fell apart within three months.

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I've found my paradise and I'm happy

There's really nothing more to be said.

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How about you Snap Shot? I think you moved around England a bit before settling in your present location. I'm glad you're back working

We plumped for Walsall on arrival because the rent was cheap ! We continued to look for work, I had got some temp admin work which ended before Christmas. Within four weeks of arriving in Walsall my husband got a job offer in Worcestershire starting in January 2017 until July 2017 so we moved. Then we moved to Peterborough on the strength of his current job offer. He's working off short contracts presently, so he's got work until Spring 2018 while applying for permanent jobs. My new job starts in Peterborough on 27th November until 27th May 2018.

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it's so depressing having to stay at home and there's only so much volunteering work you can do;)

You've just hit the nail on the head. That's exactly what my problem was.

By the way, what do you do for work if you don't mind me asking ? What does your husband do for work. How is your son settling in ?

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I see that SparkleyDiva has had a change of heart with regard to NZ.

I sympathise. (Personally I am at peace here in Britain. It just feels right. It just feels good.)

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But I've come to peace with that and am just enjoying living for the moment and see what the future brings. 'happiness is not about getting everything you want, but being able to enjoy what you have, even when circumstances force you to accept things you would prefer not to....'

Yep, also I understand, 'not perfect, but perfect for me'

Thank you & all the best.

.

Sorry, didn't mean to hijack this thread

How are things with you, OP ? Spring/Summer in Taranaki/New Plymouth is lovely. Well, to look at, at least.

Re: Lonely and want to move back

not sure if anyone has suggested this already but have you been to the puke ariki migrant meet
http://pukeariki.com/Whats-On/Event-Detail/e/3286/title/migrant-women-meet

Re: Lonely and want to move back

I'm in New Plymouth and would gladly meet you for a coffee and a sympathetic ear xx

Re: Lonely and want to move back

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Originally Posted by valleygurl (Post 12388300)

I'm in New Plymouth and would gladly meet you for a coffee and a sympathetic ear xx

What a lovely, generous offer :starsmile:

Re: Lonely and want to move back

So sad that the OP hasn't returned to this thread since she originally posted. I do hope she and her husband can sit down for a one on one serious discussion without throwing attitude into the conversation. If he is to be her sole support system, as he suggested, then he needs to take off the blinders and really look at his wife's emotional distress and offer ways to help her find a support system outside of the home. Just being a housewife and new mom with only a husband to converse with who is not really sympathic is no way to live a happy and fulfilling life.

Re: Lonely and want to move back

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Originally Posted by Rete (Post 12388444)

I agree but lets don't forget that more than one expat can tell the story of friends and family not been there once they moved back home.There are a lot of ping-pongers that can tell the same story over and over.Also,often takes a while to settle in the role of parents ,took me a good 3 years to start feeling like myself again .

Re: Lonely and want to move back

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Originally Posted by leandra21 (Post 12388454)

I know and I've found that simply by moving cross country. When I return for a visit, I'm just that, a visitor that someone has to make time for. I'm struggling with making the deep south of the US my new home after a lifetime of living on the outskirts of and working in NYC. Having to establish new friends, instead of just acquaintances is a lot of work. And unfortunately, the transplanted newbie has to do all the work.

Re: Lonely and want to move back

I think you need to ignore some of the silly responses you have got on here Gill and I don't think you are asking for relationship advice as many people have been quick to provide. Yes it is totally natural what you are feeling as many people living abroad get this. Obviously the awful trauma you have been through may have amplified your feelings about your whole situation too so give yourself some slack and don't be too hard on yourself. I advise you take some time to let your mind process what has happened to you and revaluate the good and bad sides of you living in nz are. If possible a trip back would definitely help remind you of what the reality of living back home is like. Friends and family mean different things to a lot of people so only you can honestly assess how important they are to you and your life.

If your husband thinks all brit kids grow up as chavs then he really doesn't have a true understanding of living or growing up there - I'm no chav!

Chin up though Gill - it may be painful but there is always a way to make a change or a difference to your life that can make things better. Sometimes when we are faced with leaving what we have we realise what we have to lose and are happier with what we have. Whatever you decide there are always options so don't get bogged down and remember it's always possible to make a change if you want it enough.