Gill84

I met my kiwi husband when we were both working overseas, and after a couple of years enjoying the carefree ‘expat’ lifestyle, we decided to make the move together to NZ. We have since got married, bought a house and had a baby .

I found it quite difficult from the beginning, not having any friends of my own, except my husband’s friends wives. Although nice, they each have their own friends and I never quite fitted in or felt welcomed into their circles (I was never invited to their social events, unless with my husband, and my attempts to organise ‘girls’ dinners/drinks have never been very well received). Same with my work colleagues.

Even after a few years years, I still haven’t made any ‘close’ friends. To make matters worse, I really miss my large circle of friends back in the UK, whom I’m very close with. I’m in daily contact with them, and they have supported me through everything (albeit via texts and social media because obviously they are not in NZ). I’ve recently suffered a miscarriage and it’s really highlighted for me my need to be near to my support network of friends back home. I don’t want to keep missing their weddings, babies growing up, social events, house warnings, group weekends away, etc. My toddler is also a similar age to their children and I’d love for our kids to be part of each other’s childhoods.

I spoke to my husband about how I’ve been feeling (he’s known I’ve felt lonely here) but he is very adamant that we cannot move out of New Zealand. He says he doesn’t want to sell our house, doesn’t like the ‘lifestyle’ and ‘culture’ of the UK (even though he’s only been there on holiday twice, for a total of 4 weeks), and says he wouldn’t find a good well paid job anywhere else. He also says he wants his son “raised a kiwi boy” and “not a British Chav that roams the streets”.

I’ve been crying almost every day for the past fortnight, I just feel so lonely here and want so bad to go home to Scotland where my friends and family are.

My husband says I should remove myself from the social media messenger groups that I have with my girlfriends back home as he says that’s not helping me. He says that my priorities should be him and our son - he says that should be my support network, and I shouldn’t be relying on my friends for that support.

But nothing would make me happier at the moment than being able to pop round to one of my girl friends houses for a play date with the kids, a glass of wine and a good gossip; or a wander round ASDA and a coffee with my Mum.

Am I being selfish? Am I wrong to feel like this? Has anyone else been through this?

Moses2013

Sorry to hear and it's certainly not selfish to have those thoughts, especially if you just feel that way. I've never been in that situation but I would sit down with your husband (without being too demanding:-) and ask him what he thinks is great about your current location. Let him talk about the positive sides and then you can bring up points about Scotland that he didn't like. For example the lifestyle’ and ‘culture’ thing, what does he mean? Is it the location in Scotland, available housing, or is it just because people go to pubs, will he miss friends? At the end of the day you can create your own lifestyle and just because the neighbours in Scotland don't go kayaking, doesn't mean you can't do it (if the location is right).




Once you really know what he likes about New Zealand, then you can start looking if Scotland could offer the same + more for both of you and slowly make it interesting for him.

Justcol

stay or figure out who gets custody and then go home.

I would agree with your OH, get of social media, your living in a dream world that doesnt exist anywhere but in your head

Moses2013

Had a bad day or night? I agree that social media is crap if you read all the negative news and it makes you unhappy but to use it for communicating with friends is certainly not a crime. What's next, stop using the phone to call your family?

Justcol

I didnt say it was a crime but lets be honest, if social media / texting / messaging old friends everyday
is causing that much upset, then only the desperate or a fool would continue.

Robbie2010

If your life in NZ is making you so miserable that you're crying everyday .. then go home!

spouse of scouse

My condolences on your miscarriage, no wonder you've been so upset these last few weeks.

I don't have the answer to your dilemma, I'm afraid. It probably won't help but it's a very common problem among expat communities in every country. One wants to go home, one wants to stay, two totally polarised positions that don't lend themselves easily to compromise.

A few thoughts. Right now might not be a good time for you to make any drastic or irrevocable decisions. Losing a baby is right up there on the list of life's stressful events and will make any pre-exisiting problems so much harder to deal with and see clearly.

I don't think you're being in the slightest bit selfish. What you feel is what you feel, it's not as though you deliberately choose to feel this way. It's also perfectly understandable that you seek the comfort and support of friends in difficult times, particularly so with your recent loss. This is especially true if you don't feel you have the support and/or understanding of your husband.

Do your finances allow a visit home? Could one of your family or friends visit you in NZ?

I can really only see three ways forward.

You and your husband do a lot of talking, make a genuine attempt to understand each other's point of view, and arrive at a compromise/decision about staying/going that you can both live with. It's not an easy option but it's the only one if each of you wants the other to be happy, and if you both feel your marriage is worth saving. If you're both willing, the support of a good, practical psychologist may help to untangle the mess that thoughts and emotions sometimes get into. Clarity is what you're aiming for.

If only one of you is willing to put that work into your relationship, or despite both of you giving it your best shot there's still no clear pathway to a life together, then it's resignation to a life that makes you miserable, or separation. Sorry to make it sound so stark, but unless you gradually warm to your life there, or he to life in the UK, I can't see any other options.

Some issues to think about regarding separation/divorce are custody of your toddler - if you stayed in NZ would shared custody work for both of you? If you wanted to leave NZ with your child would your husband agree to that?

At the risk of sounding like a broken record please do be wary of making life changing decisions while you're feeling so down. Maybe a chat with your GP would be helpful, it's understandable that you've been so down for the past few weeks but it's not a good way to live.

My very sincere best wishes for the future.

Sparkleydiva

I don't have any solutions to offer and am sorry to hear of your miscarriage, however, reading between the lines and thinking about what has happened, your hormones won't be helping at all. I would also suggest a chat with your GP - there are many of us on here who have been on/or are still on anti-depressants to help with being away from home/not managing at a given time.

I trip back may also help you - I have returned and actually it was a massive error - but we live and learn.

Good luck & take care

barnsleymat

Book a flight back here and come spend a couple of weeks around your old pals, if after that you still want to move back tell your husband you're off and if he doesn't want to join you then so be it.

Life's too short to be miserable in NZ, we know that and that's why we are back.

His excuses for not wanting to move here are pathetic to be honest, he'd walk into a job in the UK and the whole Chav thing is just like thinking all kids in NZ grow up as Bogans.

Don't cut yourself off from Social Media and your old mates, he's only suggesting that to make his life easier.

If you want some advice from someone that has successfully moved back to the UK recently PM me. Some Kiwi's have such a weird view of the UK, it's living in the NZ bubble, it's messes about with their brains.

MrsFychan

Hi Gill

Are you getting the support you need for the miscarriage? please please go see your GP, you can pm me if you want to vent as have miscarriages myself so I know all the emotions attached to it.

I do agree that speaking everyday to UK is not going to help you make a life over here. Maybe draw it back to a couple of times a week. As you have a toddler could you enrol and met mums your own age with similar age kids. I am sure there are also some members here living in and around Taranaki you could possible hook up with or join some local fb groups, Neighbourly and Meet up to get out and have some coffees. Most of the long term friends I have made here in NZ are expats and actually met through BE. Maybe put a post up seeing who is near you and arrange a coffee. thats what I did, even had MOSO coming up to me at a craft market asking if I was MrsF, recognised me from the colour of my hair at the time. Maybe do a search under Taranaki and see who pops up. Esme came over recently if my memory serves me correctly. not sure where in Taranaki you are but think she is in New Plymouth.

I do not think you are selfish, as others have said, its your feeling and to be honest the only person looking selfish here is your husband. He needs to be more open to your feelings and listen rather than put his foot down and not discuss things, he needs to be helping you get a social circle here and be open to a return to UK. Did you discuss the prospects of not getting on here and what you as a unit would do?

Please pm me hun

BEVS

Oh really. Well he's doing a crap job of it right now isn't he.
Take it he doesn't have family and friends then.

No. Absolutely not.
Send the git down to me. I'll sort his utter uncaring thoughtlessness out for him

Seriously. You need to think if this is a type of person you want in your life & he really needs to start thinking more about care and nurture for his wife.

Pom_Chch

Not that simple though is it Matt? She can't just "tell the husband that she's off back to the UK to live" and then up and leave with their child. I believe that's kidnapping if he doesn't agree to it, which by the sounds of it, he doesn't.

Shard

Sorry to hear of your troubles. You're not being selfish with your thoughts, but at the same time your husband has a point too. If you did all go to Scotland, it sounds like he would be the one not fitting in and missing his home country. Once your child starts school in NZ you'll probably be able to make new friends (unconnected to hubby) and gradually fit in more. I think you need to give it at least a couple more years, and see how that goes. And hard as it is, you may need to draw an emotional line in your head with regard to Scottish friends and their kids. That's not to say don't communicate or share photos, but try to stop wishing you were there and wishing your kids were together. You need to be a bit firm with yourself to give your new life the best chance of success. And remember, everything looks wonderful from afar. Sometimes people move back and find treasured friendships have moved on or fizzled out. So try to have a more detached view of things and give it a bit more time.

MrsFychan

Shard, she's been here over 4 years, something needs to change positively for her to save her sanity.

At this emotional time she needs support from her partner and not just closed sentences.

Clappy

I'm sorry to hear that.

I don't think you are being selfish. I think it is quite common for those of us that move here as the partner of a kiwi to find themselves feeling a bit isolated. I certainly did.

Things started to improve for me once I started to make my own friends who were outside my partner's family circle. It took a long time before I started trying to do that but that is another story.

Find people that are interested in something that you are interested in too and go along to something that they set up. I don't use Neighbourly but there are many Meetup groups in Auckland. They can be hit-or-miss but it is the trying-them-out part that was the most useful for establishing a network.