leo0787sx

Hello everyone,

I have been struggling recently with missing family and just wanted to talk to like minded people in a similar situation and found this discussion board. Hope I have the right place.

I have been living in NZ for 4 years and I missed my family to start with but making friends, having a job and having a girlfriend helped lots and I really settled and could see myself here forever.

I haven't been home for a holiday in the 4 years due to money and various other reasons but always planned to. Recently my Dad surprised me with a visit to NZ, his first time here and first time any of my family has come over. We shared just over 2 weeks together and some amazing Father Son bonding that I will treasure forever. When he left I was very emotional to the point of tears, I feel lost and want to go home to England. I stopped myself as I have a job and girlfriend plus two lovely pet dogs, I also know things are never the same when you return, people have their own lives and jobs and you don't see them as often as you think. I guess I am scared, what if it is the last time I see him and it felt like it wasn't long enough. I've been really good for the last 4 years but recently I've fallen apart I also feel ready to look at starting a family and I wonder about having my parents around, I would want them to see their Gran kids and be around. The visit has just changed all my feelings and made me emotional, I hope it is just temporary.

I just wondered if anyone else has had similar experiences or words of wisdom. If anyone would like to share their own feelings. Perhaps you have moved back home to England and then returned to NZ. Thank you.

MrsFychan

Hi Leo, sorry to hear that after a few years you are now missing your family. I think when you or they visit it does remind you how far away you all are.
If you could start to save and make sure that it is just for flights home and not dip into it it will give you something to aim and look forward to.
Do your parents Skype?
My inlaws do but my mum doesn't so the art of letter writing has returned and I must say I love receiving her letters and she says the same. Means I can also pop back and have a bit of a read when the missing hits. I would love to show my mum the night sky here but I know it's never going to happen so we have to make do with photos. I send her a photo book a couple of times a year just so she can see the kids growing.

LauraNotts

I have only been here just over 10 months. I find the homesickness comes and goes in waves. Usually if I sit with it for a few days and let it be then it goes away. I think what you're going through is entirely natural (and sucky) There is no ultimate right or wrong in what you choose to do eventually, be it stay here or go back. You have your one life, spend it in the way that makes you happiest, just don't rush into anything.

bourbon-biscuit

Hi Leo, welcome to BE

There are no simple answers to your heartache but I just wanted to let you know you are not alone feeling like you do. I had my heart broken last year when we had to leave family and return to NZ for good, so I do understand how you feel. The only advice I can give you is that you should try, if possible, to just accept the grief without letting it overwhelm you, and then hopefully it'll fade.

It's a tough time of year to be feeling homesick - can you plan a special weekend away doing something quintessentially Kiwi to lift your spirits?

dannigirl

Hi Leo,

Such a tough situation for you. I don't think anyone who hasn't experienced homesickness can truly understand how difficult and draining it can be. It is so hard and takes up a lot of emotional energy.

I agree with advice given thus far, give the homesickness a bit of breathing time and space. I find if I tend to push it away, it comes back even stronger.

I do think you'll have some decisions to make shortly though. I take it you are in a relationship with a kiwi. Mixed cultural marriages/relationships are difficult when one of you is always away from your homeland or family. You do need to think about the impact of having children away from the UK. Not having practical and emotional support nearby from your own immediate family is tough. Plus feelings of guilt in relation to grandparents missing out is tough too....but you have it wherever you are, so in some ways you have to be prepared for that.

Have you had THAT conversation, the one where you hypothetically talk about whether your partner would move to the UK if necessary.

We have always made decisions based on us as a couple and as our own nuclear family, however we did return to the UK because we missed our family in the UK. What I'll say about that is it does then place an enormous amount of pressure on those relationships to fulfil expectations. In my experience anyway, it may well be different for you as it is your parents. For us it is an elderly parent and extended family, it hasn't been totally straight forward.

I am a kiwi and I thought making the decision to come back to the UK would help my homesickness. It hasn't really. I still have phases where it is very raw and difficult. Some people say that the homesickness never goes away once it starts. Only you know if you can live with it.

How are your family generally, are they supportive of your decision to live in NZ?

Not much help am I, but I know it's not easy!

Bo-Jangles

Hopefully it will be temporary for you; I don't generally suffer homesickness but all kinds of emotions and thoughts are brought to the fore whenever we've had visitors come and go home.

Having visitors always seems to knock me; on the occasions when my Mum has been here I can barely functions for thinking of all the things she said etc. and simply cannot control the tears for a couple of weeks after she has gone. It came as a bit of a shock to me to feel that way to be quite honest and can only describe it as being the same feeling I had when my cat died.

The sadness and heavy heart usually does fade away once we get back into the swing of work and normal life.

Hope you feel better soon.

Sparkleydiva

I would agree with everything said so far. I've been here 6 years, and it didn't hit me at all until about 9 months ago, and unfortunately it is still with me I miss my family - very small as it is and worry about my mum who is on her own now, with dad having died 2 years ago. Not sure if it really goes away, but just have to learn to live with it and if you can't then make some plans for the future...

That's what I'm doing now, and will be moving some point after June next year - that keeps me going

Good luck

leo0787sx

Hey guys, thank you for all the kind words and advice

It is now nearly a month later since my initial post and I am feeling a lot better now I am back into a routine. I still miss my family but Dad is hoping to visit again next year so it might become more regular.

Me and the girlfriend talked about it and she said if I wanted to move to the UK she would too. We are planning a holiday there so we can see how it goes and talk about it together. I do love NZ though.

Thanks again for the responses

davros1984

It will come and go so be prepared for that. Ultimately it becomes too much and you return or you find a way of dealing with it and staying here (or overseas). Good luck

M_and_M

Have a hug....

It's hard. I agree, homesickness comes and goes. Let me tell you a wee story.

4 weeks after I arrived, my mum skyped me to tell me she had recently been diagnosed with cancer. 2 weeks later she died. I didn't make it back in time, I was on route.

I was devastated and immediately said I would come back to England, to be there for my dad. He told me no. Said that I needed to live my life for me, not for him, or anyone else. He has been to visit, loves it and says he understand ps why I live here.

Life has been tough here too, emigration isn't easy as you know. But perhaps you should talk to your family, so you all have an understanding?

I pay for a Skype number (UK based one that he can call, and it gets me here in Nz). He stays in touch just the same as he did in England and in fact my sister and I talk more than we did. It only costs me £90 a year.

Keep smiling. You're in a beautiful country, life is good, you have your health, your family and your friends.