Lived the dream in NZ but too homesick
 

Hi

Is any body in, or been in a similar situation where you worked so hard to emigrate to this beauiful country and then decided that you missed family and friends so much you could not adjust? We only came here in August last year, and i know it's not long enough, but from the beginning OH never settled (this was his dream orginaly), we missed the support from grand parents with child care, and have felt very lonely at times, i crave a good old night out with my best friend, never been able to do that here, I know it is a different life style, but not many barbies have happened yet. Our son is slightly hyperactive, although undiagnosed, he has had issues at school not concentrating and we think that this whole change has been too much for him. He has seen his parents upset and stressed at times with this life changing event, and i have been working full time initially so was unable to do the school runs, OH was doing that and this was a change for our son. This has made it more difficult for us to cope with the move, i miss support from my mum so that we can have a evening out together, and my son really misses his grandparents.

So we have decided to go back to the UK and have been much happier all 3 of us since we came to this huge decision just hope we don't regret it. Our reasons for coming were more space, better weather, more family time, a better life for our son, but it just hasn't resulted in us feeling any better. We are so looking forward to seeing my parents and friends again. We have recently started to make a few friends and my son has been more settled which I think has been the result of seeing his parents more calm and positive about things.

Anybody been through something similar would love to hear back.

Re: Lived the dream in NZ but too homesick
 

Sounds exactly how we feel, except swith NZ for Aus.

Your reasons for making the move sound the same as ours and the reasons for wanting to go back very similar.

I don't think you can put a timescale on making a decision to return home, I think you know straight away in your heart if it's right. It does take some pressure off when you make the firm decision to return home.

All the best to you and I hope you find back home what you haven't found following your dream.

Re: Lived the dream in NZ but too homesick
 

Hi there, I really feel for you cause I went through the same sort of thing. Its a very long story but the bones of it is that we moved out here and after 7 or so months I just could not settle for all the reasons you have said and more actually. We all moved back to Ireland and instantly regret it. For me, I lost sight of what I moved to nz for in the 1st place and just focused on all the bad things about New Zealand. I felt terrible guilt for leaving my widowed mother on her own. She was super with my children. But in reality, I was not living MY life. I was too lazy to get out there and about whilst in nz to start making MY life enjoyable. I didnt give it enough time in nz. I was also sick of hearing people tell me that i didnt give it enough time. So I just had to do something and that something was leave nz. We didnt last long when I went back and are now back in nz again, almost a year and life could always be better but its still great. I had to be a bit selfish and think about what it was my children needed out of life and that meant leaving my family and friends. I saw a life coach and once my head was sorted, so was my life. Please be very sure your doing this for you and your child and OH and not because of family or friends cause you just never know if your friends might up and leave one day or your family get ill and die. Sorry to be harsh. Maybe could you just go for a holiday instead of a permanent move?

I'm struggling here abit with the friends thing tho so I do know how you feel. I'd give anything for one night out with my best friend too. Friendships take time to make so I have to give time - time. I know some great people here and I'm very thankfull for that. I had a friend in Ireland for every type of occasion (shoulder to cry on, have a moan, talk mammy talk, get raging drunk with etc..) and I'm positive that I'll have a friend for every type of occasion here too. I skype with family and a couple of friends so I dont feel so bad. All those I left in Ireland are still there and i'm grateful that I got all the memories that I have of them. Ireland is still there and nothing has changed. Home is now New Zealand for me.

Also with homesickness, it can really tear you apart cause there is so much to adjust to and with kids it makes it that much harder. When I feel a small bit of homesickness I always remind myself that I was pulled here not pushed and in a day or two I'm right. I vent my feelings with OH or friends or this website and when I'm talked out about it all I usually feel way better. Its still hard tho.

You are probably gonna have to go back to uk and just find out for yourself if you made the right choice or not. No point all being unsettled. Kids need stability and you cant give them that if your head and heart are not happy. I wish you every bit of luck along your journey and hope you find your happy ending.

Re: Lived the dream in NZ but too homesick
 

Thanks chrissystevo

The reasons are more than what I have mentioned, but that is the nutshell, we thought about Oz because my brother lives there in the Hunter valley, chose NZ instead because of the climate and also because my qualifications were easier to achieve in NZ than OZ the later was to take an exam in OZ. I just havnt got the energy to go through the whole immigration process again to apply to Oz, we thought the difference would be A) my bro there B) more affordable housing, C) more local pubs!, employment prospects etc.

Are you trying to perservere with the move, how long have you lived in Oz?

cheers Abigayle

Re: Lived the dream in NZ but too homesick
 

Hi Abigayle. Good on ya for posting up. I think with all the stuff we've done here, the one thing that always sits at the back of my mind is family and friends. No matter how great NZ is in so many other ways, the fact that they aren't here to share it and offer their support means so much.

I know that if my OH's sis hadn't come out here I don't know if we'd have made it this long. It has taken three years to find a niche, and make any kind of friends who have a little longevity - and as others on here'll tell ya, it's not for lack of trying. On leaving the UK we swore to each other that no matter what was happening, and how we were feeling, 3 years was the time period to give it a good go. Knowing this, I think we stuck at it through some very hard times when it would have been easy to say 'balls to it' and book a flight back to the UK.

I believe that you really do need to give it more time, and look at 12 months as a realistic timeframe. Maybe once you've taken the pressure 'to be happy with the move, and all to be right with the world' off, things will improve. Ultimately - and because I'm a practical sort of chap - it will not be a massive financial burden for you as at least you'll have given it 12 months and a decent go.

Just my view, but good luck in wherever this particular road takes you.

Re: Lived the dream in NZ but too homesick
 

Hi Irish eyes

Thanks for your reply, I think we will regret moving back when we are settled in the UK, but i think this whole experience has made us realise what we had, and to us how important our family and friendships are, my parents are elderly and my father was ill before we came so it was truely heartbreaking when we left in August, since then he is much better with dialysis so fingers crossed will have more years ahead of him. I don't think we are moving back because of family wanting us back although they were very upset they supported us and never made it difficult for us to go. Now though my mum keeps saying i told you the grass was always greener, and as you can imagine i really dont need the lecture at the mo!, but thats my mum. I am faced with the prospect of unemployment in the UK, so that is very worrying, but i have a few things up my sleeve so hopefully will get a job some where. If our feelings do change, we have the returning resident visa until july 2011, do you know what that means Irish eyes we dont even know for sure, we assume it means that we are able to visit outside of NZ until that date but dont know how long for, will have to send a thread asking if anybody understands what this means so we know what our options are.

We are currently living in Auckland and have met afew friends mainly through work but the neighbours, have been very friendly more so recently. we have looked at house prices and to live here we would have to have a bigger mortgage than what we had in the Uk which is so not what we wanted. Like what you said i havnt gone out to explore, we have been to alot of the beautiful beaches around Auckland and had 2 weeks up north for our holiday, but i havnt been to the south island, and would love to visit before we go home. My OH has managed to spend afew days in the south island through work such as Queenstown, Arrowtown, christ church, and he liked the places much better than Auckland. The prospect of winter with no central heating puts us off, and we are so that used to this heat, but it is lovely, and beats old blighty weather.
You have been so brave doing what you did it must have been hard to return leaving everybody again, how long were you back in Ireland for?

We just have to go back and see if we feel better about the Uk.
cheers much appreciated

Re: Lived the dream in NZ but too homesick
 

Hi Wizn Ton

I wish things had worked out and we could stick it out, we just need to go back to the Uk and see how we feel, at least we have the returning residency visa until july 11 so i assume we can return in the time frame if we change our minds. I have heard people say it is easier having some family around them in NZ, glad it worked out for you and your family, enjoy life and cheers
best wishes Abigayle

Re: Lived the dream in NZ but too homesick
 

Hiya,
As far as i'm away the returning visa means you can leave the country for a certain amount of time - not sure if its 90 days or more so check that out. We were gone for about 9 weeks. It was truly heart breaking leaving a second time. I learnt a hard lesson about myself and was ashamed that I hurt my family by leaving again. (it kind of confused my little 3 year old nephew and my brother was not happy but i think understood our reasons) All of my friends totally supported me though and understood our reasons for coming back to nz. My mother thought we were crazy but thats my mother for ya! Wild horses could not have kept me here tho so it was just something I had to do. So I can see your reasons. My OH did not leave his job tho and just got a 12 week leave of absense but we did ship every last belonging back to Ireland. Didnt make it the whole journey as we changed our minds very quickly (I say we but i mean me as OH did not want to leave nz) We were faced with unemployment when we got there and I was terrified that we would be living with my mother for 5 years........ Not sure about the UK but I know Ireland is in a mess with the recession and its gonna take a long time for it to come right! If you fancy meeting for a coffee or want a chat just PM me!

Re: Lived the dream in NZ but too homesick
 

all I can say Abi is ditto ditto ditto we managed 16 months although made the decision after 10 months OH could not dettle I loved my job so said tough when DS did not settle either the guilt set in it took me 4 months to review the good and bad things for me before I agreed to go home!
We have no returned for family we may as well be on Mars which is why we had no issue going in the first place however the welcome from frieinds and aquantiances has had both of us in tears of emotion (we have been home a month) we have a fantastic rental in rural cornwall OH has a job although I have yet to secure on (which gets to me some days as I am the main bread winner) but DS is happy and settled, the dog arrived last week and is enjoying country life. Things that niggled me before do not now, I look at things in a different light, I am glad we did it it was a life experience but glad to be home!
There is another website full of people returning from NZ called 'expat exposed' some ofthe stories are horrendous and I can say I was lucky. It may be winter here but the sun is shinning brillant blue skies and peace! what more could you want!

Re: Lived the dream in NZ but too homesick
 

we returned from nz just over a year ago after being in nz for 5 years. after about 3 weeks being in the uk we thought what the hell have we done, since then it has been nothingbut hard work living in the uk, i got made redundant, first time unemployed ever and could not find a job rtc, we cant afford to go out, no holiday time, we dont spend a fraction of the time with tehchildren as we did in nz, the weather is as it always is, etc etc etc, we we are planning our return to the uk for next year and cant wait, i feel we are quite fortunate as we have nz passports so the return is easy, for those with residency you can return within 12 months but hade to apply fir a return ro residence visa. its just my humble opinion to say that it i had my time again there is no way i would return to the uk but only as a holiday. i would save up the money hovever long it took and would return for a 3 week trip.

Re: Lived the dream in NZ but too homesick
 

Hi Abigayle

I am kiwi, who married a Scot and lived across there for 6 years before we decided to come out here and try life.

So we have family (close) on both sides of the world.

But like you, I am ready to go home. (UK).


I guess, we are lucky in that we have family on which ever side of th world that we settle (I have often said that Canada would be our switzerland). So we have never factored them in to the equation.


I didn't have a huge desire to come back to NZ. I had left quite happily and created a life which I loved in teh UK.
I didn't ahve the reasons to leave that many others did. We lived in a beautiful part of Scotland but close enough to large towns / airports if we needed that fix.
But my OH had the desire to experience life outside of the UK - and we could.

But after 3.5 yrs we are looking at moving back.

I am pushing the move back - OH doesn't care - he likes both countries (bless).



I guess being out here has enabled me to really look at what I want from life, and what things that we as a family enjoy. The pros and cons list if you like.

Certainly Scotland came up trumps for us.
But it is different for all people.

Look at the reasons that you left the UK.
if you didn't like the town - felt that it was dirty / grimey / crime ridden or what ever - is there somewhere else in the UK that you can live.
Family an hours drive away is far easier time wise and financially than a 24 hour flight.
And also what it is that you are really missing. If it is just friends and family - once you are back again will that fix the problem, or will the original niggles that got you out to NZ come back again.


I know that my OH's biggest worry is that we will become ping pongers - in reality I am that already:rofl:. NZ-Uk-NZ back to UK.
For him it is only UK - NZ
But the things for me that I miss are the culture, history, accessibility - the cost of living, less of a mortgage; career options for me; the landscape; the weather (I will never complain about rain again).

If having made the decision that you are going back at some stage, and there is a real feelnig of relief there, and things feel a little settled, Why not enjoy the time that you have here, get out and see some of the country, and in a quiet moment remember why you left the UK. Forget what you are missing right now, but remember what it was that pushed you to the other side of the world.
That may help you work out if moving back is the right thing to do.

Only you can decide what is right. Others do feel the same. I know of some happy and some not. But it is a personal thing

Re: Lived the dream in NZ but too homesick
 

Abigayle,

We arrived in Queensland in November. We have decided that we will be going back to the UK in August. Until then we will try and get as much out of our stay as we can and enjoy the good things Australia has to offer.

Re: Lived the dream in NZ but too homesick
 

Hi to all who have taken the time to read and thoughtfully applied to my thread!

I am extremely grateful to everyone for the great advice and human approach, helping me to realise that we are not alone in our home sickness and unsettlement, has been very reassuring. We had questioned ourselves wondering why we did not feel as elated and content as we dreamed we would be when we were in the UK preparing to emmigrate. We were so lucky and grateful to be given this fantastic opportunity, when so many people are unable to emmigrate, or are declined for different reasons. We really wish things had worked out and were at home here, and to be honest we have been more relaxed and settled lately and have started to make some friends in our street, which has eased the isololation and loneliness. Since receiving the responses here, I feel a little confused and have doubts about our return, but over all returning to the UK is swaying us the most. I am counting down my days at work so that I can look around NZ a little before we go, we are trying to save all our money at the mo for the return flights dont want to eat into our savings due to the prospect of unemployment.

We are so looking forward to seeing family and friends and looking for a new home, we were lucky to sell our home in the UK wanted to move house just came to the other side of the World to do it! As I said we have to go back and see if we can resettle, we know the reasons for leaving will still be there traffic, rushing about, anti-social behaviour, but as people have said we can look at all the positive things in the UK.

Thanks once again, it is therapeutic getting it off our chests and venting our thoughts we are so grateful for British expats and talking and listening to others.
Abigayle

Re: Lived the dream in NZ but too homesick
 

I agree. What a quality thread.

If BE & all it's members so much as helps just one person no matter if they wish to emigrate, to return to their home country or to move on to another place, then Be has done good.

Karma to you all.

Re: Lived the dream in NZ but too homesick
 

hi guys

I am the OH cheers and thank you for your interest.
It appears that this must be a common occurence or there wouldnt be so much interest.
There are many reasons to stay and go, our son has finally today received the start of help as he has most certainly been diagnosed with ADH
it's been hard coping with emigrating and all that it entails and finding our son went further off the rails due to this life changing event. We expected he may be hyperactive in the UK but nothing was said during his reception year at school, so we thought he was just boisterous, also my wife and i thought it would have caused problems with our medicals if he was diagnosed and i guess put our heads in the sand, and just tried to cope with things instead of seeking for help plus he was only 5.

Its been a fasinating journey through our own psyche to get to this decision to return to the UK. Ironic too as the reasons we left UK are still with us and will return but not as bad when we put our feet on UK soil. I know for a fact we would have settled if we had done this earlier in our relationship when we were far more carefree and tolerent to change in our lives.
I can't quite put my finger on it but the change to kiwi life style has been difficult for various reasons.
Unlike my good wife I dont have much family to miss but my heart goes out to her and our son seeing them lonely.
I move in different circles to my wife and initally was overwelmed with how good it all seemed, after a few weeks in my job I experienced so much hostility I felt I had to leave and I did. The maturity of some of the people I worked with was very questionable and I was even threatend with violence at one stage.
In the UK in my trade, I welcome travellers and would go out my way to help folks pass thru and enjoy the experience. I've worked with many kiwis and OZ folk and found them good honest and approacable in fact i got my jobs thru kiwi contacts in the UK.
I was basicly impeding on a clan thing it seemed, though my skills were appreciated by some, others would go out of their way verbally to make me feel crap, retaliating made things worse.
I have experienced this small mindedness in a few jobs now
moaning pom or pom bashing I put it down to a small isolated culture and somewhat Auckland city mentality among the under 30s.
The youth especially among the pacific comunity seem to have lost their identity in many respects and are embracing the American gangster culture bit like UK culture aggresive and somthing for nothing. I find pacific culture and maori culture absolutely fasinating what the maori have endured at the hands of a few greedy imperialists empire builders has undoubtly shaped their view of this new invasion on there doorstep.
I love reggea music and the pacific interpretation is good, mellow, and has its own identity. I'm 50 but i still love shapeshifter, fat fredys drop. I remember seeing hudu gurus in early 80s so this place is briming with talent and vibe, so why are some of the youth I have met so angry in NZ,
People like Serj Tankin chose to live here there is a reason, so what has England to offer? Probably one of the most freindly nations on the planet especially up north infrastructure, cheap, accessible shops, nice countryside.

The further South and North in NZ I worked the nicer folk were and more welcoming. People don't seem to mention this hostility so hopfully its only me, I'm open friendly and non racist I've worked extensively in the UK in groups like rock against racism and anti nazi league. I'm super tolerent but hey you can only take so much. I currently work with Germans, Irish, Brazilians and Cook islanders oh yes, and a dutch man we dont get no crap they let us do our work we work hard, long hours after the host nation has hit the hay
I havent given up on this beautifull country yet, but if there is a next time I'll head south out of the metropolis that is Auckland.
Finaly our eyes are much wider opened now we've learnt so much about ourselves which will make UK better for experiencing this which has been a good experience overall if fraught at times.
England is no better than NZ but may be a bit more tolerent if too open for its own good. This is just my opinion and personal experience and observation, I would certainly not hesitate to get on the plane and return to NZ but definatley head away from the city.

Lee.