Trev and Jayne

Hi Everyone

Just wanted to share my story with you in case anyone has any advice or anyone goes through the same thing to know they are not alone! My partner and I lef the UK in Feb 09 travelled a few months (we are 29 and 36 with no kids) and arrived in NZ in July 09. Leaving home was hard enough with all the 'what ifs' etc but that is exactly what they were and we wanted to give it a go. Well, from then on everything has gone pear shaped. As soon as we arrived my dad who was extremely healthy before I left was diagnosed with terminal cancer, had treatment and I went home in sept for a few weeks to see him. We expected him to have more treatment but while I was there the consultant told him there was no more they could do, he died 3 weeks later at end Nov 09. Im now in the major dilemma of what to do, my mum doesnt have a lot of support here, my brother but not many friends and although she wants me to do what I want to do I know it will be ten times as hard if i come back. And to be honest NZ doesnt mean anywhere near as much to me anymore than it did as I want to be round family and friends, the problem is my partner has lived there before and spent a lot of years trying to get to NZ, it is his dream. There is no one solution and I fear wether we come back here for me or stay there for him, one of us will be unhappy. Has anyone else been though anything like this and offer any advice???

Jayne

shirl

Hi Jayne

I really feel so sad for you and so sorry to hear about your Dad dying. At least it was quick but that is no consolation, my dad took 9 months to go downhill to his death and I sat with him for most of that time. I came to NZ 3 years ago now. Left my mum back in the UK with my brother who lives nearby but my sister lives 7 hours away from her. I still miss my mum terribly as she is now 91 and not in good health but I also feel guilty about leaving her behind to cope with her illness. I wasn't really truthful with her and she thought we were only coming for a 6 month reccie but we were planning to stay here but had I told her that she would never have made it easy for us to come- she didn't make it easy knowing we were coming for 6 months. It is so hard to ring her as she is quite deaf and doesn't hear me so I end up writing to her most times but I ring just to hear her voice anyway. I hope to maybe go back this year for a visit to put things right. It is never easy to make that kind of decision but it is harder still to say what if what if and maybe live with regrets. It is a decision only you can make. It is hard being miserable 12,000 miles away from your loved ones. Not much help I know but in the end it is down to you. You are still young enough to do stuff with your lives - we were in our mid 50s when we came but we had our 2 daughters here one of which has since gone back to the UK so hey I guess that is life. One thing is sure it has taught me never to follow my kids around the world. If I had my time over, I would maybe not have come here knowing that was going to happen. But we are here now and making the most of it. The only thing I know for sure is that we are where we are meant to be at this precise moment in time as I believe in fate and it is quite an adventure not knowing what is around the corner. Hope that helps in some way, at least you are young enough to start afresh somewhere if you want to in a couple of years time when your life is starting to fall into place. Good luck with your decision.

Trev and Jayne

Thanks Shirl, you see I think that as my best option in a bad situation. my OH has done the first 6 months in year 1 of the visa and I have been told that if he (as main applicant) does 6 months in the second year (from july 2010) then we can get the IRRV in July 2011. I dont want to give up the visa but I think the option I feel most comfortable with is to come back and make a life here in the UK for a while again to support my mum and have my own support here but we have the visa to come back and start again when the time is right. My mum is only 65 so when we come back she might come too or at least for visits but it is so soon at the mo for her and for me. My only issue is that my OH hates the UK and I know he really doesnt want to come back and of course I dont want to give him an ultimatum, he would chose me I know but then would be miserable here. There is no win and I suppose time will tell what happens! I know im not the only one who has had this though and we all survive and as you say I think fate has a big part in all this!

thanks again for your advice

Jayne

Dewb09

Oh you poor thing, sorry about your Dad. Its my biggest nightmare being so far away and a family member becomes ill. As op has said you are both young and have lots of years to fulfill your dreams. I believe you should do what is in your heart, I'm sure your partner will understand that right now you need to be in the uk and that further down the line you will look at NZ again. It is a tough one but relationships are about compromise, support & understanding. Good luck with your decision not easy.

Thanks for sharing your story

Dewb x

Justcol

this sounds very harsh but. . . . .
its not "Lifetime worth of bad luck".
You have lost a parent and are now feeling sorry for your mum.
take her advice and live your own life because she knows your
too young to be living hers.

CAN2NZ

You know, losing a parent is tough, I am sure you know that. My point is that in six months time and two years time, your mom and you will be well past the emotion of the moment. Life doesn't stop for any of us and we have to keep moving. You should not let this one event colour the rest of your life. Just put things in their correct perspective and you will be happy.

ibex

I am with colandros, probably you choose your partner with a reason and you intend to spent the rest of the life with him (and not your mother). So look at yourself and your future. There is not much you can do for your mother at the moment (she has to overcome the loss herself) except having crying seance together. Been in such situation with my father in law (and my wife), just unfortunately not yet overseas at that time.

All the best, whatever your decision is.

SueMF

[Hi Jayne,
IHow awful for you and what a difficult decision you have to make. I suggest you take the option of ensuring you get the indefinite returning residents visa by ensuring you are living in NZ for 6 months a year for two years. At least then you can come and go as you please. Then you don't have to worry about starting the whole application process all over again. We are currently in the UK after being 16 months in NZ. We really liked it there but my husband could not get a job. We also have a guesthouse in the UK which we had not been able to sell. We are trying to build up the business at the guesthouse and earn some money and then we are going back to NZ in May for three months to ensure we get our RRV. Then we know we can go back to NZ later when the time is right.
Good luck
Sue

Trev and Jayne

Hi Everyone

Thanks for your advice and support. Im feeling a lot better about it now, as some of you have said I need to love my life and this is what my mum wants me to do. She is eve talking about visiting and if she likes it considering half year in UK half in NZ, too early to say yet but much more positive. I suppose when you are considering a move like this there are ups and downs along the way and when something like this is thrown at you it just magnifies it all. Im staying for a few months to support my mum and OH is sitting it out in NZ for the visa for now, not ideal but we have skype and 6 months apart when we have the rest of our life together isnt a lot in the grand scheme of things!

I suppose what doesnt kill us makes us stronger!!

Jayne xx

howden40

Could have taken the words right out of my mouth.

Your mum is only 65, that's still very young, you have time to consider your options. Both of you have a life to lead, you can't live each other's lives, you can only live your own. Take some time to decide what you and your partner want out of life, don't act in haste. It is so easy to make a decision based on emotions following the loss of someone you love dearly. Act in haste, repent at leisure.

From what little you have said about your mum I got the impression that she would want you to lead your own life, and while grieving for the loss of her husband she may well grieve the loss of your 'freedom', if your decision is based on supporting your mother, rather than living your own life.

I personally would want my children to live their own lives, yes it would hurt me to be separated from them by distance, but it would hurt more if they stuck around just for me.

TAKE YOUR TIME, MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION FOR YOU - ONLY YOU CAN DO THAT, NO ONE ELSE


Pauline