pumpkinlou

Hello,

As it's now a little over 4 months till we leave (although no house sale as is the story for most) I have been asked by lots of people if we are having a leaving party. Now I would love one, as i think it is a huge thing we are doing, very exciting, and it would be a great opportunity to say farewell to friends and loved ones. However, with negative comments such as "people who emigrate only go cos they are failures in this country"!!! and NZ is backwards!! (from father in law) and the fact that they are already almost suicidal at the thought of us taking away their grand-daughters, will it be a recipe for disaster?

How did those of you who have gone handle these things? And those of you about to go, are you experiencing the same??

Thanx

PL

howden40

I can hear no negativity in anything you have written (father in law is only venting his love, trying to put you off for the most selfish of reasons LOVE and you can't fault him for it).

If he hasn't already got one suggest your father in law gets a computer, both of you get a webcam (the ones in England work in NZ), get skype then he can see and talk to his grand-daughters for free via the computer every day if you choose to. It won't quite be the same, but it's the nearest thing. (skype is also free to register)

A leaving party can be a very good idea, it can make the move more 'real' and it's easier than going around individuals as you always miss someone out. Provide plenty of kleenex, invite friends and family, adults and children, your daughters also need to say goodby.

You think your prepared but D-day arrives sooo suddenly, it seems a long way away but you blink and your leaving for the airport, with so many unsaid words.

It's a frightening, exciting and sad experience, but I feel worth it.

No we're not all losers, losers don't have enough points to get here.

Where will you be moving too.

I love in Tauranga, Bay of Plenty, I love it

Hope this helps, if you need advice post your questions, we're a helpful bunch

Pauline

howden40

If you have never used Skype check out thread by himmeus titled Skype-What is it?, I think you'll enjoy the comments particularly the one about christmas

Pauline

pumpkinlou

Hi Pauline

Thanks for your reply. We are coming to Wellington in October.You're right about FIL being naturally selfish. I can understand that. they adore our girls, and vice-versa. But I have got quite fed up of not being allowed to mention NZ for fear of upsetting in-laws. No one mentions it around MIL as she is already too heartbroken. father in law has "joked" he will kidnap girls before we go! He is constantly talking about earthquakes, and that Hubby prob. will never get as good a job (the list honestly does go on).

However, I do try and look at it from their point of view, they don't know when they will see us after October, and it is sad from their perspective. But a BIT of happiness wouldn't go amiss!!!

As for the skype, FIL has already set it up and is talking to the girls on it (they live right around the corner and see the girls loads, we have just got back from a weekend at center parcs with them!). So that will be fantastic as they will get to see the girls as well as talk to them.

I guess my real gripe is that I want to chat to them about how excited I feel, but can't. And they can be a bit OTT.

I think I will go ahead and plan a party, as there will be plenty of people who will want to wish us well. Good idea about the tissues!!

Think I just wanted a moan!!

Louise
xx

howden40

Hi Louise

Doesn't hurt to have a good old moan, makes you feel better to voice what's rattling around in your head.

You only have 2 people you can't talk to, laugh and joke with rest, have a 'girlie night out' or 2 or 3 to get excited over.

We want everyone to be pleased about our move, but they aren't. Not a day went by when one or another of our closest friends begged us not to leave. One in particular a friend of my youngest son's, he was so distressed when we actually left. My son couldn't talk to him from when we left until only last week, I've been sending txts so he wouldn't know it wasn't James.

Feelings settle down.

Only you can at the end of the day control your emotions, be nice to yourself and in-laws, go ahead talk about it but don't talk endlessly, they will get the picture, probably be easier after leaving party.

Best of luck

Pauline

zummerzet_lou

Sounds as though we are in a very similar situation, except it's with my Mum. She won't talk about NZ, other than to tell me that it's goodbye, and that her grandchildren will grow up not knowing her.

I feel terribly guilty, as I know our decision has hurt her immensely, but I simply have to do what I think is right for me and mine for once.

We leave in 10 weeks time, and I'm still trying to get her to consider broadband / skype etc esp as she is computer iliterate and it's going to take a lot of coaching to get her up to speed.

As for the party ... defintely have one. We are, but prob won't invite Mum ... I will see her plenty before we leave, and as she doesn't get on with Dad, nor my in-laws it'll just mean I can relax.

Families eh?

Margaret Parkinson

When our daughter told me they were thinking of emigrating to NZ I felt numb with shock but tried my hardest not to show it. They took our only grandson with them and will have been there 2 years in August. We have been there twice and its lovely to see how happy they are and what a good life they have made for themselves. As others have said we have a webcam and speak to them most days, probably more than when they were here.

I think I have mentioned this before. My son in law has opened a butchers shop in Papamoa. There was no way he could have done that here it would have been much too costly and far to much red tape. He has a few customers who come on this messageboard who think I am on commission but I feel so proud of their achievements since going.

www.mysausages.com

I hope in time your in-laws will come round to the idea of you going and be pleased for you. One think I noticed when we were there the children are allowed to stay children for a lot longer. They seem to have a very healthy outdoor life style. It is said NZ is what the UK was like in the 50 - 60's. What's wrong with that ask your FIL. What about your parents and in-laws will they be able to come and visit you?

As for the leaving party my daughter and family told friends it was an open invite and to come what time they liked after 3 pm so people were coming and going all the time. They bought plenty of snack items and most people brought a bottle which is the norm. If your in-laws do not feel like coming then you can say your good-byes privately.

Best of luck,

June.

weejie

My in-laws and my dad are all positive about the move. Infact,in-laws gave us £10k to pay for the move and expenses of NZIS etc.My mum is not. Well,I say not but it's hard to tell as she won't talk about it Whenever I talk about it and our progress etc she just clams up. I'm sure it'd because she is really sad and doesn't want us to go. I am the eldest of 4,my sister lives 175 miles away,both my brothers live about an hour away ( which is not far,but they are male!!) so I am the one who does things with her. She has been quite unwell with heart failure since April 06 and to be honest part of me knows that she will never make the long journey to NZ so when we go it may be the last time we see her I want a party for all our friends and family,basically to get all the tears done in one go but OH doesn't even want to entertain the idea. I think it will help everyone to let their hair down,have some fun and at the same time say their goodbye's in a happy atmosphere,not a sad one. So,Lou go for it,have a party with or without the in-laws. You deserve to have some good times with your friends and time to share all your memories with them before you go. Like the idea about girlie night out,or 2 or 3 Sounds like a plan to keep in mind for when it's my turn.

Phyllis

Yummy_Mummy

Just want to say that after reading all this, i'm into my 3rd hankie!

WOW lots of emotions on here. Just imagining what it will be like.

Although i will have the same problem with my parents. I'm an only child and have 2 daughters. These are the only grandkids my parents will ever have.

I think alot of the agro comes from them caring really, although my parents dont want to talk about it, and dismiss anything i say about NZ, however they also said they will spend 6 months with us each year (just to see the kids)

You have definately got to have a party. If you didnt you would regret it.

Anyway, good luck and hopefully your family will come round eventually!

xxx

Phyllis... How Lucky are you! I wish someone would give me £10k to help.... we would leave this week lol
Still in tears here... This is NOT good... too emotional about all this stuff. And like you say, the thought of never seeing people again. My dad doesnt keep well, so i'm kinda worried about that too, but u gotta live your own life and make of it what you can.

Xxx Carolanne

TheNaylors

Hi,

can totally understand your dilemma and my heart goes out to you & your family, and infact I am dreading if & when the time comes for us to have a leaving party as we are in a similar situation.

We are just starting the actual progress but gave our families plenty of notice as to what our plans where and we encountered problems with my FIL (he is an extremely stubborn man at the best of times), he can only just about bring himself to say "New Zealand" 4 years on! Thankfully though most people have been extremly supportive of our plans.

It is such a difficult time for everyone, and sadly love can be exhibited as bitterness in such trying times for the loved ones we plan to leave behind as I think they think it is a failing on their part (particularly parents). My husband went to speak to his father at the time when things were very difficult and I do have to say, I admire my husbands maturity and patience as my FIL was being quite childish about the whole situation! Things are much better now as they know that if we can get in, we will go!

The one thing that I can't forgive FIL for was his blankness when we told in-laws we were expecting our 2nd baby (he didn't even stop cleaning the pond to look at us!), it was down to my MIL to explain that he was upset and "couldn't congratulate us as it was another grandchild we would take away from him" (exact words!). That hurt!

Like the earlier post by Margaret, I think once they visit you out there they will completely understand when they see how happy you & your family are. The world is getting smaller every day thanks to modern technology and they may even see more of you in NZ than here (I know ours will).

I'd say, have the leaving party and invite everyone, if someone doesn't like it they don't have to go and it will be them that misses out - at least they have the option and it is a perfect opportunity to help build a few bridges.

Hope it all goes well for you,
Best of luck,
Jules & Eyan

pumpkinlou

Thank you so much everyone!

Your posts have made me feel a lot better!

Sadly my Dad, who, I was so very close too passed away a few months ago. My mum lives in ireland, and i am no longer talking to her as she caused so much grief prior to dad dying. I have 3 brothers, 2 younger who i also no longer talk to,no fault of mine - they are a nightmare like mum sadly . So all I have now is my older brother Jim, who is fab. he lived in NZ for 13 years, and is planning on returning soon, and is totally positive. My dad was totally behind us going, despite his being poorly for along time, he was unselfish and encouraged me to apply and follow my dream. So I am a bit angered towards the in-laws and feel they are being selfish as they get to see my two daughters whenever they like, living right around the corner. they have not once said a nice thing about us going, it's all about them. And when I think of my Dad, and how unselfish he was, I get a bit miffed.

But, after reading your posts, it sounds like the way my in-laws are acting is totally normal. They are obviously hurting, and feel they are losing those most precious to them.

I am definitely going to arrange the leaving party. I know that it is so important to say Goodbyes, especially to my friends. Yes, a few nights out are defintely required!

Gosh, i feel all emotional now!! Life is tough sometimes isn't it?

Cheers guys

Lou
xxxxxx

shirl

Reading this with interest I was in the same position only I was the MIL/Grandmother. Yes it was very hard when both my girls and OH's and my grandchildren (2 from each daughter) told us within 6 months of each other that they would be emigrating to NZ. We were happy for them but devastated that we might not see the kids grow up. The youngest was only 3. First out was my younger daughter & son in law 2 grandsons. They came to stay with us for their last xmas and I remember it clearly the day she left. She was standing on the doorstep weeping so hard and she says that her feet would not physically move from the doorstep. We clung to each other, tears flowing and hugging each other knowing that when the car disappeared around the corner that we would not know when we would see them again. She left me with a lovely letter and a tape of songs to remind us what great parents we had been and the songs to get us through the bad times. I had also sent a letter ahead to my sister in NZ so that my daughter would get it when she arrived here. It was a letter telling her that I was so proud of them for getting on with their lives and doing something positive for their little family and what better place to raise the boys than in the lovely place of NZ. Next out 6 months later was our other daughter and hubby and 2 grand- daughters. Our goodbyes to them after the first experience was a weekend spent with us in our caravan in Dawlish on a rally. We had a lovely weekend and then we went off on our holiday up the line to the Cotswolds and this was pretty much the same tears and stuff but instead of sitting home crying we decided to take our own holiday at that time and take our minds off it. To cut a long storey short, we were very proud of our girls for having the courage to come to a new land and start over to make the best of their lives. We told them how proud we were and never dreamed we would live here too one day. We had our only son living with us at that time and then he met and married an American and he went to live in Arizona. So there we were sat in UK wondering what the hell are we doing her with the kids all in different countries and so we decided to up and move here as well. After 4 years of the girls coming here we came on a sponsorship route. The grandchildren are still growing and blossoming and it is great to see them all and be a proper family again. Of course we used the webcams to see them every week and so it brings people closer together. What I am saying is that remind your parents that they have done a good job bringing you up so much so that you have the confidence to start a new life in a new country due to your upbringing and that they have shaped you into a strong human being someone to be really proud of. Their anger comes from a place of fear.

Hope that has helped some of you.

TheNaylors

what a lovely story Shirl. Break out the kleenex now!

If everything happens for us like that I will be VERY happy. What you did for your family and yourselves is so admirable and shows such strength in character!

shirl

Thanks for your comments. I think that we bring our kids into this world and want the best for them - any parent does. If my kids are happy then I am happy. However, my mum is 90 this year and I feel that I have broken her heart coming here to be with my kids. She cannot understand that I am proud of them for coming here and she is not proud of me for coming here. Not once has she said I am proud of you and you are doing well. I am trying to break that cycle of thought. I wish she would say well done before she ends her days. Still she is of the old school where families look after their parents etc. She feels like I have abandoned her. Even now the phone calls end with Well you have your life to live and I am constantly being put on a guilt trip. I am conscious to try not to do that to my kids. I want the best for them always. If that means moving to the other side of the world to be happy then so be it. You know the old saying " if you love someone let them go....."

howden40

Sorry June it was me who started the 'commission rumour', decided it's the money you use to see your grandson

The open party sounds an excellent idea, both tiring and exciting.